I'll never know if any of it was real
I do not feel like it was
I do not want to know
I do not know if being used
or fleeting sincerity is worse

I love you
not because you try to pick up the pieces
you allow me to do that on my own
you know I am too prideful to ask for help
you stand along my side and hold me as
I fix the distress I have gathered over time
and when I drop my needle and thread
you are patient

you are like my hometown
I know every backroad-
the roads whisper from time to time
I'll walk down memory lane
with small smiles
"do you remember when-"
although that's all you are-
my hometown

everyone outgrows their hometown

maybe you'll find home in the silence
or comfort in the canopy of the trees .
the soft coos of the wind bring peace .
you'll call it home and never want to leave .
but for I... this freedom has been relished for
simply a nightfall with many more to come and
stories to be told . It never disappoints ; the home
I found in this silence is irreplaceable...

living often lies in between the memories
or at least the things we think are memorable
but often those things will stick with us
the things we truly miss are the things
that slip our mind the quickest
the common places
the things we had done so many times
we just forgot
the things we eventually took for granted

she woke me up by kissing me
slowly.
all over.

for a second, she paused.
"I am going to keep kissing you until you wake up"
she warned.

with my eyes still closed, I smiled and told her
"I guess you'll have to keep kissing me forever
because I am not waking up"

and without hesitation,
she said "okay."
as if the thought of forever didn't scare her at all.
as if kissing me was all she wanted for the rest of her life.

and she kept kissing me.
slowly.
all over.

covered in sweat
I plopped onto the hardwood floors
what felt like hundreds of boxes
all done in a few trips
small cobwebs in the kitchen
and dust in every corner
although daunting
there was you
and every day ahead of me
laid out like a golden brick road
a house
a dog and cat
a healthy life partner
all in a brand new city
I smiled
the first of many

I know why the moon chases the earth
with the smallest rotations -
staying far but never quite moving on
the pull is just too strong to leave
waiting for an eclipse just so they can pass
each other one more time and remember
who they used to be

in one given moment
it all began to make sense
with your chosen words
I could see clearly what you wanted
it was all the precious pieces
it was repulsive but
looking now
I think it will be just fine

I have a garden in my mind
a forest in my heart
an ache in my chest
from love torn apart

orchids so pretty
bluebirds up above
only these orchids have thorns
and the birds do not resemble love

you said “push through”
so I grab those orchids
and hold them tight
reach up to those birds
despite their great height

I am gifted with ****** hands
and pricked fingers too
but this pain is familiar
it reminds me of you

I take back those flowers
dried up and bruised
from bluebirds who plucked
and hearts that they chewed

I placed them in a box
and I taped up the lid
I put them away
in a place well hid

with no more to feed from
the birds have now fled
I’ve patched up my holes
where lilies grown instead

often times I can not feel my own existence
it makes me feel rather numb
other times I really want to die
those thoughts remind me I am alive

and if I could do it over again
the only thing I’d do is find you sooner
so I could love you longer

last laughs have never been my guilty pleasure
but recently - I smirk
I did not wince
I do not know which I like more
I sat and read over the same words
ones that are hard to believe
not because I don’t believe you feel them
but because I know you felt that
way about yourself far before I came along
so recently - I smirk ,
I did not wince

I do not feel guilty

I did not wince

"is there anything in my teeth?"
"no, but they sure are perfect"
you sure know how to be a kiss-***
I scoff but smiled- it kept me calm
I love how you care about the things
you know that are important to me
"hey mom, there is someone I want you to meet"
go big or go home, right?
you two spoke for hours
I've never been so happy to be the third wheel
a few mojitos too deep
I couldn't help but admire
the two women I love the most
love each other.

I missed this

here

I have everything I will
ever need to live a life
that is just as precious
as the pages as this
book we have written together
called truth

here

often times I wake up sweating
still stuck in my nightmares
ones where I rather die then
remember those experiences
they leave me still for hours in
a pain more agonizing than grief
I was strong enough to leave
although I am still fearful
combing gravel out of wounds that
I never asked for
now I have to prepare myself
for the conversations about the
scars that are left

I look back on what you wrote me
3 years ago
often in bittersweet fashion
the things you said about "staying open"
and it took me that amount of time to get there
3 years
it hurt like hell but I did it
I hope you are proud
I am nothing like I used to be

she smokes blue american spirits and has a tendencies for a few bar fights
her smile makes up for it though
a whole lot of attitude but even more heart
some would say a lover and a fighter
she goes quiet sometimes but
it just means she’s soaking in life
she loves her family, the beach, and quality time
all in a bittersweet way
she plays cold but the truth is told at nightfall
heart beating honest conversation
to show we are both strong

strong enough to love

and if the multiverse is real
then there is one where you are still here
there is one where I stayed a little longer
one where I said “I love you” one last time
one with a few more gas station slushees
one with another glazed eyed smile

I made the 116mi drive alone
in silence, yet there wasn't a quiet moment
walking the street brought nostalgia
although I had never been there before
I could see it as a place you and I would
go every year - special occasions
as I walked in, I could not recognize myself
I don't think I could see us with this life
in this life, just not the one we painted
at least not as one.

I asked for a table for one.

It has been two years without you
you may not be the one I walk
down the aisle for -
but you'll be the story I tell
my daughter after her first heartbreak
the story of a girl I lost too soon

I told her that she looked pretty today.
she scoffed and continued on with doing her
makeup in the mirror.
her smile slowly began to inch upon her face
beaming back at me in her reflection.
pools of hazel, honey I am home.
she cared so much...
her sovereignty lied in the depths of words
--commonly not mine.
I often wished she could see herself
the way that I saw her.
it felt like it was always 13:1
a constant losing battle
I knew I wasn't going to be enough

"I know she's gone but I hate her"
she said so confidently-
I'm not sure if she was looking for agreement.
little does she know there is a little piece of you
in every single thing I do that she holds so dear.
there's a part of you in every song I listen to-
you know, the ones that she'll have on repeat.
as they fall, it makes my own all the more justified.
I would fall for me too-
after all
I fell for you.

your idealization was questionable
your actions went on to prove my point
therefore I am not stunned by the
person you have become

frequently - I am not present.
although, every time I-
fixed your hair,
rubbed your back,
held your hand,
clasped your necklace,
wiped your eyes,
things I have done for
myself -
countless times.

I was there.

I’m better although-
it comes and goes as everything else does
sometimes I still cry when I eat by myself-
especially when I’m sick
something I used to enjoy so much
I cry
not because I feel lonely but-
because it reminds me of February
I know it gets easier
but it doesn’t change the fact it is hard
sometimes I will film it
it makes the time go by faster
I watch them sometimes
watching the tears become just sad faces-
that turn to half smiles til there is nothing left

slowly but surely I began to set myself ablaze
all to keep you warm-
I struggled but you would never know
I consider pride my best friend
I cannot be angered
as I did not speak
therefore silence
led by peace

I am still learning how to speak up when I was hurting
I tend to take these things and turn them on the people
I love and care about the most...

soul spilling cash shelling
water wrecking—
I speak to the fears that live in
the basement of my heart
we are quite cordial
although they’ve become strangers
as I explore this new life cracked open
“don’t you miss it all”
it’s hard to miss a life I never truly knew
I accept these faults although
I do not live with them
with new favorite spots
healthy habits
and personal “quirks”
I peel back a little bit of skin everyday
I choose to share my fragile moments
because I know…

I am strong enough to let someone in

I find it ironic we both believed we weren't
enough for each other in our own ways -

I stood up to go on a night stroll
overwhelmed and anxious
you insisted on coming
you knew it was something I did by myself
although you came- you were silent
with no pressure to perform or explain
you held my hand and kissed my shoulder
an hour and a half went by and you said
"we are here... whatever it is.. we will be okay".

I yearn to be with you... home
yet it is the most petrifying place to be...
with you
I hold my breath as I tiptoe down these
old mahogany steps
hoping my head can make it to my pillow
so I can survive another night-
only then will I have
some sort of peace.
there are few nights I go to sleep famished,
afraid of what will happen if I were
to speak my mind to you
I cannot fill that space
every ill-mannered thought you possess
has already taken a seat at the table
consuming the you that I once knew
and I am again left unfed...
expected to stay another night

the easy choices are that.. easy
I like me when I am by myself
others do too whether they know it or not
It’s pretty often-
nearly everyday
I know that what I seek is from within
so I pull my search to a halt
I make the easy choices
“hey, we need to talk”
I like me when I am by myself
others do too

I want to get better

I can feel the presence of a person in
the room before I even open my eyes.
it often makes it hard to sleep at night.
I can not have a roommate.
I do not have a roommate.
I have always flinched a little harder than I
should -even as a child
I actual prefer to drive in silence
I hate for music to take the
space of my thoughts.
I check my watch four times
one for time
one for heart rate
one for time
one for heart rate
I am timid around alcohol
I retrain from partaking,
it reminds me of February-
I do not like the month of February.
I check my mirrors four times.
center, right, left, center
I write more than I could ever say.

add it all to the list
I know I will
the
enlightenment -
the
demonization -
all the way to disgust
I am not as strong as I once was

I once pride myself on my ability to be unreadable .
maybe I still do , who knows .
there is this comfort in not having anything to lose ,
or so it seems .
but there's this thing in your smile...
I've never been one for reassurance but those two words were all that I didn't know that I needed to hear .
there is solace in knowing that I can feel .
maybe I don't want anyone to feel it the way I do .
your laugh makes it all undeniable ; I can't help but look and wonder where you've been .
how was life back home? any cobblestone roads?
I'll wear my heart on my sleeve and try
maybe you'll help me get the confidence I fake .

"good morning pige"
with a soft kiss on my forehead
I opened my eyes to see you in uniform
ready to leave for work
4:47am
I closed my eyes for what felt like
a few minutes
6:51am
I put on my sweatshirt
and leashed sadie
I went to the kitchen
you brewed my tea...
I stepped out the back door
to the beach and felt myself melt
I haven't felt so safe
to be fully known and
truly loved

I played in the woods today
I sat myself on a board and grabbed what came to me
the picture I created is irrelevant
the time I spent in this spot is prime
for an hour I messed with
sticks, twigs, weeds,
and what looked like to be old flowers
as I just played, I noticed this is something
my younger self would have enjoyed
back then, I wouldn't have been so much
on the cleanliness of things
now, I use a stick to smooth over the
dirt to save my hands from filth
as I resurfaced, I felt high
I felt in the earth
an hour went by while I was away
only with her
I think about life at times
thought about the next thing
to stick in the ground
then thought of nothing

as time passes and I heal
I end up more and more angry
looking back at the things I once

tolerated

and the places I once called

home

“I say you do it”
something I never thought I’d hear
come out of my mother’s mouth
“we don’t know what tomorrow looks like..”
and it made sense
sometimes I wish it didn’t
I don’t know what tomorrow will look like

and every day that went by
I felt like I was selling my dreams
everything vanishing before my eyes
there is a thin line between
comfort and complacency
for I have never sat still
I rather not find out

It is no longer a battle
I used to have to convince myself
people say follow your heart
my heart says

don’t respond
don’t look
don’t answer

I didn’t
I don’t
and I haven’t

for a very long time actually

and when it crossed my mind
I don’t have to convince myself
my body tells me no
it tells me in the empty stomach feeling
the ear ringing and small tremors

it reminds me of crying on the floor with my mom- she held me tight
I wanted to die, I begged to die that night
it hurt far worse the second time around

hurt enough for me to let go

my heart, mind, and body decided it was time

I think it is more of laying in bed with a person
you are no longer in love with and searching
for every reason to stay as they each
dissipate before your eyes...
everything once admirable now sending
you into a deep dark you've never discovered.
knowing all of it I stay,
I know sooner or later
I'd turn into you..