and if I could do it over again
the only thing I’d do is find you sooner
so I could love you longer

as time passes and I heal
I end up more and more angry
looking back at the things I once

tolerated

and the places I once called

home

and if the multiverse is real
then there is one where you are still here
there is one where I stayed a little longer
one where I said “I love you” one last time
one with a few more gas station slushees
one with another glazed eyed smile

I’m better although-
it comes and goes as everything else does
sometimes I still cry when I eat by myself-
especially when I’m sick
something I used to enjoy so much
I cry
not because I feel lonely but-
because it reminds me of February
I know it gets easier
but it doesn’t change the fact it is hard
sometimes I will film it
it makes the time go by faster
I watch them sometimes
watching the tears become just sad faces-
that turn to half smiles til there is nothing left

sand crusted eyes and auburn tint hair
honeyeaters chirping outside the window
“you’re not the same bloke you used to be”
I feel a drenched wetsuit graze my face
“you just going to stare at me? get up!”
she opens all the living room windows as I stretch out upon the couch
the hardwood floors are lukewarm
I can smell the saltwater from here
I almost forgot what the horizon looked like
“grab your board, I want to show you a spot”
she said as she rushed out the front door
I could hear the pajero start from the kitchen
I scampered down the stairs and tossed my board on the upper racks
as we drove, we traced all the familiar roads
filled with the sweetest memories
the music faded in and out with small static in between- it felt almost feverish
we rolled to a stop on a questionable trail
she could see the confusion in my eyes but I knew I could trust her
we began the hike of what felt like forever
upon surfacing from the trees
I saw what I only thought I’d see in my dreams
so captivating- I stopped and stared
the sand felt like cloth and the water was flat
“all the legends start here”
she began running to the water and I trailed close behind
and for a split second we were 10 years old again
racing each other to the shore
she always won anyways-
we paddled far beyond the outside
the sun began to break the horizon
we sat and watched as it reflected on the water
I brushed my hand upon the surface
It was like touching a painting
I felt weightless
I closed my eyes
I could feel the warmth upon my skin

“I guess you’re a benny now”
“I guess I am”

there was a bit of silence that past-

“are you alright?”
“yeah, it’s just good to be home…”

It is no longer a battle
I used to have to convince myself
people say follow your heart
my heart says

don’t respond
don’t look
don’t answer

I didn’t
I don’t
and I haven’t

for a very long time actually

and when it crossed my mind
I don’t have to convince myself
my body tells me no
it tells me in the empty stomach feeling
the ear ringing and small tremors

it reminds me of crying on the floor with my mom- she held me tight
I wanted to die, I begged to die that night
it hurt far worse the second time around

hurt enough for me to let go

my heart, mind, and body decided it was time

the easy choices are that.. easy
I like me when I am by myself
others do too whether they know it or not
It’s pretty often-
nearly everyday
I know that what I seek is from within
so I pull my search to a halt
I make the easy choices
“hey, we need to talk”
I like me when I am by myself
others do too

I have a garden in my mind
a forest in my heart
an ache in my chest
from love torn apart

orchids so pretty
bluebirds up above
only these orchids have thorns
and the birds do not resemble love

you said “push through”
so I grab those orchids
and hold them tight
reach up to those birds
despite their great height

I am gifted with ****** hands
and pricked fingers too
but this pain is familiar
it reminds me of you

I take back those flowers
dried up and bruised
from bluebirds who plucked
and hearts that they chewed

I placed them in a box
and I taped up the lid
I put them away
in a place well hid

with no more to feed from
the birds have now fled
I’ve patched up my holes
where lilies grown instead

“you’re seem more gentle now”
not longer out of fear
not in a cry for protection or to be a haven
but in the most observant way possible-
I have become softer than before

I realized I didn’t need to “loosen up”
I will greet you with a mouth full of barbed wire
until you learn to stop approaching me
with your hands
I am not a fantasy
and I am especially not yours
anger does not save
but boundaries do

I enjoy all the moments her and I have captured
I feel at peace in her presence  
although sometimes when you look at recordings of us together-
you can see my fears..
when I coward
when I flinch
she’ll often cry-
it fills her with disgust and rage
to know that’s all my brain has known
it’s simply an instant reaction
the nightmares and sweats -
it leaves me skittish to most  
everyday is a little bit more healing
together and apart
as we trace the scars left and kiss them anyways

she smokes blue american spirits and has a tendencies for a few bar fights
her smile makes up for it though
a whole lot of attitude but even more heart
some would say a lover and a fighter
she goes quiet sometimes but
it just means she’s soaking in life
she loves her family, the beach, and quality time
all in a bittersweet way
she plays cold but the truth is told at nightfall
heart beating honest conversation
to show we are both strong

strong enough to love

and whenever she kisses me goodbye she traces all the parts she tells me she adores
starting at the bridge of my nose-
kissing every beauty mark I have on my face
going down to my neck and to both sides of my cheeks crossing over each of them again
I can’t help but smile and blush
kissing me once more on my lips
before we stare at each other just a few
seconds longer

I wish this goodbye was simply goodnight

you are like my hometown
I know every backroad-
the roads whisper from time to time
I'll walk down memory lane
with small smiles
"do you remember when-"
although that's all you are-
my hometown

everyone outgrows their hometown

sometimes that’s all I remember
the purple and red lights
***** before noon
and empty pill bottles
people liked me the most back then
I sometimes think that was the problem
they liked me the most
I don’t think they ever knew me

being sober gets quiet

I like this life

the sober one

soul spilling cash shelling
water wrecking—
I speak to the fears that live in
the basement of my heart
we are quite cordial
although they’ve become strangers
as I explore this new life cracked open
“don’t you miss it all”
it’s hard to miss a life I never truly knew
I accept these faults although
I do not live with them
with new favorite spots
healthy habits
and personal “quirks”
I peel back a little bit of skin everyday
I choose to share my fragile moments
because I know…

I am strong enough to let someone in

It has been two years without you
you may not be the one I walk
down the aisle for -
but you'll be the story I tell
my daughter after her first heartbreak
the story of a girl I lost too soon

often times I wake up sweating
still stuck in my nightmares
ones where I rather die then
remember those experiences
they leave me still for hours in
a pain more agonizing than grief
I was strong enough to leave
although I am still fearful
combing gravel out of wounds that
I never asked for
now I have to prepare myself
for the conversations about the
scars that are left

“I say you do it”
something I never thought I’d hear
come out of my mother’s mouth
“we don’t know what tomorrow looks like..”
and it made sense
sometimes I wish it didn’t
I don’t know what tomorrow will look like

covered in sweat
I plopped onto the hardwood floors
what felt like hundreds of boxes
all done in a few trips
small cobwebs in the kitchen
and dust in every corner
although daunting
there was you
and every day ahead of me
laid out like a golden brick road
a house
a dog and cat
a healthy life partner
all in a brand new city
I smiled
the first of many

last laughs have never been my guilty pleasure
but recently - I smirk
I did not wince
I do not know which I like more
I sat and read over the same words
ones that are hard to believe
not because I don’t believe you feel them
but because I know you felt that
way about yourself far before I came along
so recently - I smirk ,
I did not wince

I do not feel guilty

I did not wince

here

I have everything I will
ever need to live a life
that is just as precious
as the pages as this
book we have written together
called truth

here

I'll never know if any of it was real
I do not feel like it was
I do not want to know
I do not know if being used
or fleeting sincerity is worse

"is there anything in my teeth?"
"no, but they sure are perfect"
you sure know how to be a kiss-***
I scoff but smiled- it kept me calm
I love how you care about the things
you know that are important to me
"hey mom, there is someone I want you to meet"
go big or go home, right?
you two spoke for hours
I've never been so happy to be the third wheel
a few mojitos too deep
I couldn't help but admire
the two women I love the most
love each other.

I missed this

"good morning pige"
with a soft kiss on my forehead
I opened my eyes to see you in uniform
ready to leave for work
4:47am
I closed my eyes for what felt like
a few minutes
6:51am
I put on my sweatshirt
and leashed sadie
I went to the kitchen
you brewed my tea...
I stepped out the back door
to the beach and felt myself melt
I haven't felt so safe
to be fully known and
truly loved

I want to get better

I stood up to go on a night stroll
overwhelmed and anxious
you insisted on coming
you knew it was something I did by myself
although you came- you were silent
with no pressure to perform or explain
you held my hand and kissed my shoulder
an hour and a half went by and you said
"we are here... whatever it is.. we will be okay".

I played in the woods today
I sat myself on a board and grabbed what came to me
the picture I created is irrelevant
the time I spent in this spot is prime
for an hour I messed with
sticks, twigs, weeds,
and what looked like to be old flowers
as I just played, I noticed this is something
my younger self would have enjoyed
back then, I wouldn't have been so much
on the cleanliness of things
now, I use a stick to smooth over the
dirt to save my hands from filth
as I resurfaced, I felt high
I felt in the earth
an hour went by while I was away
only with her
I think about life at times
thought about the next thing
to stick in the ground
then thought of nothing

I always drove
it provided a sense of control
you in the passenger seat
but I always missed out-
looking at you-
studying the features of your face
deciding which freckle was my favorite
so when you ask me
"why do you keep staring at me"
and I reply "I'm just looking"
I am catching up from all the times
I didn't get the chance to

although you almost killed me
you gave me a reason to live
not the life you wanted-
but one where I am truly myself

and "just like that"
I was back where it all started
I could feel their hands engulf me
the pulling getting needier and harder

"****"

I am not satisfied often but-
with their hands around my neck
to me, there is a constant craving
one that I will be a **** for
I grasped
I could feel my vision going out
there is something invigorating-
I could feel everything slipping away
but all I could say was-

"harder"

closer and closer to the line
that I hope you would cross

I want the pain to match the kind I have in my head

the kind with-
swollen eyes
bruised faces
****** lips
and sore hands

please,

harder

in one given moment
it all began to make sense
with your chosen words
I could see clearly what you wanted
it was all the precious pieces
it was repulsive but
looking now
I think it will be just fine

living often lies in between the memories
or at least the things we think are memorable
but often those things will stick with us
the things we truly miss are the things
that slip our mind the quickest
the common places
the things we had done so many times
we just forgot
the things we eventually took for granted

740 days
17760 hours
1065600 minutes
63936000 seconds

I knew I felt off
it was the day after
I should have known
I forgot...

"how'd you know? who told you?"

"no one, you just look different now"

I remember frantically calling you
every what if thought on my mind
it was very much unlike you to not answer
I came up the steps to the house
I could see you dancing with my mom
from outside the living room window...
hearing laughter and shrieks of happiness
I had not seen her smile like that since I was young
my mom still talks about you sometimes...
sometimes I think she mourns more than I do

I think we are all still healing from it

"are you doing alright? I haven't heard from you in a while"
my mother texted me and I finally realized
when I enjoy my life - proud of the life I live
I capture it like it is the first time
text, photos, videos, phone calls
whether I have done it a million times or not
photos on trails and outlooks, the smallest good news,
phone calls that last for hours and hours
"hey mom! look at this! look what I did!"
sometimes even videos to pick out my outfits
others would say a bit naive
October rolled around and I realized
it only took two for me to no longer be proud
no text, no photos, no videos, or calls
I was no longer me

I look back on what you wrote me
3 years ago
often in bittersweet fashion
the things you said about "staying open"
and it took me that amount of time to get there
3 years
it hurt like hell but I did it
I hope you are proud
I am nothing like I used to be

add it all to the list
I know I will
the
enlightenment -
the
demonization -
all the way to disgust
I am not as strong as I once was

often times I can not feel my own existence
it makes me feel rather numb
other times I really want to die
those thoughts remind me I am alive

the hardest pill to swallow is realizing
that people who don't get obsessed with you
right away means they aren't looking for someone
to make them feel good
this means they're actually looking at you for you
who you are
then you realize that everyone who got obsessed wit
h you immediately was just because of how
you made them feel
not because they actually loved you

I made the 116mi drive alone
in silence, yet there wasn't a quiet moment
walking the street brought nostalgia
although I had never been there before
I could see it as a place you and I would
go every year - special occasions
as I walked in, I could not recognize myself
I don't think I could see us with this life
in this life, just not the one we painted
at least not as one.

I asked for a table for one.

and every day that went by
I felt like I was selling my dreams
everything vanishing before my eyes
there is a thin line between
comfort and complacency
for I have never sat still
I rather not find out

I love you
not because you try to pick up the pieces
you allow me to do that on my own
you know I am too prideful to ask for help
you stand along my side and hold me as
I fix the distress I have gathered over time
and when I drop my needle and thread
you are patient

your idealization was questionable
your actions went on to prove my point
therefore I am not stunned by the
person you have become

slowly but surely I began to set myself ablaze
all to keep you warm-
I struggled but you would never know
I consider pride my best friend
I cannot be angered
as I did not speak
therefore silence
led by peace

I am still learning how to speak up when I was hurting
I tend to take these things and turn them on the people
I love and care about the most...

she woke me up by kissing me
slowly.
all over.

for a second, she paused.
"I am going to keep kissing you until you wake up"
she warned.

with my eyes still closed, I smiled and told her
"I guess you'll have to keep kissing me forever
because I am not waking up"

and without hesitation,
she said "okay."
as if the thought of forever didn't scare her at all.
as if kissing me was all she wanted for the rest of her life.

and she kept kissing me.
slowly.
all over.

I yearn to be with you... home
yet it is the most petrifying place to be...
with you
I hold my breath as I tiptoe down these
old mahogany steps
hoping my head can make it to my pillow
so I can survive another night-
only then will I have
some sort of peace.
there are few nights I go to sleep famished,
afraid of what will happen if I were
to speak my mind to you
I cannot fill that space
every ill-mannered thought you possess
has already taken a seat at the table
consuming the you that I once knew
and I am again left unfed...
expected to stay another night