My heart aches for a time.
For a moment in the stream of everlasting seconds.
I hope I lose that time when I miss you.
I thought I was losing my memory.
But then I remembered that if I forget, I'll forget you.
Then it was okay, and then
I told myself to think of nine in place of you.
That number was better than you.
And I wanted my dreams to let me see the number nine, asleep.
But do not wake me up, because I won't forget.
And I can't remember, because you are nine.
And I am nothing, and you are forgotten in the time of nine.

Girl, you've got ****** hips.
Girl, you've got scarred wrists.

We've gotta fix this ******* mix.
Find a way to not, and "cut" that ****

No "please stop"s or watery eyes.
Only "Be strong" and "You can do this".

That isn't the way to be happy, ***.
You know that this is only dumb.

If you think you can't do this, all you have to do is try.
I won't stop loving you if you don't succeed the first time.

I'll hold your hand walking there, and nudge you in the right direction.
Let you go from there.

You might think you need me, but I know you can do this on your own.
And if you want help, I'll help you.

You're strong, you're brave.
You're everything you are, and you're more than you think.

I am a boiling rage inferno. So angry I had to go back over TEN TIMES to make this look 'right'. So angry my face turned red like Tinker Bell's and when someone touched me they burned themselves. I can't let the ******* anger out, I CAN'T LET IT SHOW. They will say calm down, and that's unnecessary. They'll never know how angry I am, was, and always will be. It lives inside me, ruining relations and saying things I wouldn't say. I hate it, and it makes me hate me. I wish I would ******* die. I don't want to hurt the ones I love but, that anger inside makes me lash out with harsh words, and a loud voice. So I hurt myself to punish myself. I hate my ******* self, I wish I could turn in on myself until what is impossible happens: I disappear. I want to crush these bones, and scar my skin. Please hit me with your car, and tear me limb from limb. When I beg do me no mercy, and leave me to your dogs. And when I started writing this I thought it would come out as a rage filled rant. Let me tell you something you already know, it came out as a self loathing run on sentence. But like I care, do you know me? No, and do I know you? No, and I really don't care to. **** me, *******. Especially me, because I'm not worth anything. I'm a ******* waster of space. ******* **** me please.  

Really though. All I want is a hug. And I don't want to die, I just feel like I should. I feel like I deserve to for what I've done. And I'm done, with everything, and everyone. I wouldn't mind dying, and I wouldn't mind living. I'm fine with either one. But I'm tired of dealing with all of this. And I wish I could erase everything that I didn't like and start over again. But I know that's not the way it is, and it's certainly not a good way for things to be. So I'm glad that it's not. But if only it could be like that for me.

Cool foggy nights lit by the waxing moon
Chilled glass windows, and cement
Sharp air that pierces your lungs, which you breathe out as warmed clouds of life
Crunchy leaves, and then months later freezing snow beneath your winter boots
Frostbitten nose, and cheeks that are as red as Old Saint Nicks
Harsh jagged wind cutting at your smooth skin
And oh, does it feel so good
The pain of the cold, it's my odd lover
Raw icy toes, and fingers rubbed on by the frigid chill
And oh, my dear how I love it so
The cold nights sliding into bed, and under the covers when the sheets are cold against your flaming skin
Your bare feet on the biting wooden floors
And the frosty wind that pinches your cheeks
I want to inhale in the intense frost and numb the aching thoughts inside
Freeze them, and stay here so they never thaw
I would be fine with that, killing off my wretched soul with cold
And I would love to freeze my body right down to the bone
Because only then, would I be cold

Some days are hopelessly lost, and the other some are radiantly brilliant. Those lost days sometimes take the majority, but more often than not they are few and far between. Hopeless days fall heavy on our shoulders, and make it difficult to find the shining light of the brilliant days. We take on those days with a stubborn face, and the waves bombard us as they crash into us with empty gravity. We don't take these days as plain sailing, they cause the ships of our minds to toss and sink gracelessly.

Oh, but those days. The effortlessly beautiful days, where you glide through and nothing catches on you. We live for those days, we are alive because of those days. Shimmering happiness floating on the waves that crash against you. The days where you are the beach and the water massages you.  And the sun sparkles down onto you, gently warming you further.

And finally, the days that no one ever told you about. The days that no one ever talks about, because you only want to leave them behind and bury them under the ocean floor. The days where you stagger out of your comfortable tomb of a bed, and stumble into the bathroom. You stare and glare at your mask of a face in the mirror, and begin your day with a sigh. You slowly slide your feet across the floor, scuffling into the darkness. Settling into this feeling of no feeling with a lethargic fall.

I want you all to myself. I know I can't have that. But that doesn't mean that when you talk about these girls it doesn't create a storm inside me. I wish I knew the inside of you so I could see just how much you love me. You say it's a lot, but I don't believe. Because with the pain in my heart I couldn't be loved as much as you say. And I wish I wouldn't feel this way because I want to be happy and I want to be okay. But when you take my emotions for a roller coaster ride I find it hard to try. I want all of you, inside and to out. And all of your imperfections and mistakes. To be mine. Because I love you even when I feel like I don't and even when I probably shouldn't
                                      
                                                                ­               If this is love
                                                            ­         I don't want it anymore.

I'm not here tonight, I've left my body.
Someone else is here.
Making me do all these horrible things.
Why can't I just say goodbye?
I am not me, and I don't think I'll ever be.
When I look into the mirror all I see are the scars, and my empty eyes.
I don't see me, I'm gone.
I just want the war inside to cease, I want my arguing subconscious to hush.
I want every word to be unsaid, and every sound unheard.
Then I'd be me, then I'd be innocent.
Then I'd be peaceful and joyful.
But that isn't going to happen and I need to be strong.
I need to **** in the air, even if it is sharp like the blades.
Even if it hurts, even if I don't want the oxygen to seep into my blood and keep my heart beating.
I need to go on, because I will get better.
And the me I once was is inside somewhere, buried deep under all the skin and bones.
Behind all the dark thoughts, and behind my teary eyes.
Soon I will be me, and soon I'll look into your eyes.
And then I believe that everything will be well.
I will not be fighting a war within myself any longer.
I will not be bleeding blood, or burning skin.
I am not that, and I will leave it behind.
I will leave all the pitch black thoughts, defacing words, and ripping skin behind me.
And I will bury it 10 feet under, and plant the prettiest flowers over it.
So maybe they will become something better someday.
Maybe they will find their way back to me unchanged, but that's okay.
Because I'm strong and I will fight them harder, and bury them deeper.
And maybe even hurt them like they hurt me, but you know what they say.
Hurting doesn't really take the hurt away.