Scattered thoughts empty mind
Devils workshop but devil to who
Evil is only evil when its bad to you
To those who benefit is this still true?

They tell you whats good whats bad
What you feel in your heart is it the same
A preprogrammed machine but we still think
Blessed are those with the courage to question

Why do some things not make sense

it started with a long drive
It continued with good music
a tragedy twisted the tale
and it ended in a sky full of stars

more stars than you’d ever seen, you said
the air was cold, as it was crisp
lightning shuddered the sky from a distance
Seeing the skyline of the city from afar
I can’t remember the last time
I saw something so beautiful
I breathed it in deep, holding onto the memory.

You let me fall asleep
As you took the wheel
Taking me right home
Look, its another sunrise!

is it not such a muddle
to attempt at pretending nothing comes to feeling  
when all that is desired is protection from
unable to simply unfeel the past stings

I doubt you’ll see this but
I want you to know I’m thinking of you
I want you to know I wish I could be there
To hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay

I may not feel the way I used to
But id do everything in my power
To try to ease the pain away
However I’ve learnt I cannot help
So it pains me to know I should stay away

I just hope you know
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To help you feel a little better
To show you that there’s hope
To take comfort in this weather

I’m here for you
Even if it seems like I’m not
It pains me deeply to stay away
But I’ve caused enough harm
Take care, my dear Essam.

The storms never last forever
You’ll find your four leaf clover
Till then, if its all I can do
I’ll keep praying for you.

One last time, how will I choose to spend it
I can choose me, or I can let the moment
Take over reality, and get lost in time
Would that make me regret?

I leave in less than 24 hours
We have even less than that
How do I want to spend it?
Putting myself first?

Keeping my walls up?
Or tearing them down
And seeing how flying
Can feel like falling

You’re walking towards me
Eyes shining bright with glee
Excited, I clutch the wheel tightly,
So the answer is I guess we’ll see

Peace, a simple yet meaningful symbol
To some it is calm through a storm
For others it is a ray of hope
To a few, a hippie stereotype
To us, it meant forever, or
At least it did

Those three lines enclosed by a circle
Such an odd little symbol, isn’t it
I often wondered how it came to be
And mean so much, to so many
I guess it’s just funny

Its been so long, I almost forgot the story
About how we promised forever no matter
What came between us, pain, loves, glory
Solace, we’d have each other when it got cloudy
You committed to it, so it seems
But only with your words and body
I might not of done the same but my
Heart was in it all the same

I wonder if it ever hurts when you look at that
Symbol, even the one burned into your body
Or is it just me, who sees it in everything
Even though I did not do as we promised
Maybe if I did, it would mean a little less to me

Funny thing, memory
It seems to serve you well
Maybe if I burn some light
Into me, it will try as well
Maybe I’ll forget all that I want to
Just like you already do

Maybe you’ve made up another story
To cover up that little symbol of joy
One that you’ve somehow believed
I’ll take comfort in knowing that we
Once knew, that peace was ours to be

I’ll take comfort in knowing there’s
A little piece of the old you in there
the little peace symbol you swear
An undying place where you care

Even if it only exists in a few inches
Of skin that’s been burned in
I’ll take refuge in there
I think my friend’s still in there.

…for what, exactly?
One day you wish for tulips
The next its climbing volcanoes
Another it’s lazing with cabernet
Maybe seeing the skylines from above
How dare you even try wish for love?

I once read that if you truly want something
You need to make space for it to have being
Space for it to grow, nurture, breathe
Maybe I misunderstood what that was
Maybe leaving myself empty wasn’t the answer
Maybe not trying to fill it with busy thoughts  
Maybe not quieting my hopes, wants, dreams.

Oh simple mind, how easily you’re mistaken
You want the tulips, hydrangeas, lilies
Yet also the mountains, waterfalls, trees
And the comforting embrace of a home
Didn’t you learn, my dear?
You can’t have it all

I think I exist in a place called a dream
Born there, grown up in a daydream
In a place where fairytales take heed
I hear the sound of quacking ducks, and geese
Maybe its my refuge to seek comfort in
A world that exists only in my mind
Alice in wonderland, no wonder you were kind.

But whether it’s a fallacy in my mind
Or something that unfolds in this dimension
I’ll accept the insanity if it brings me there
I gleefully accept that any day over
The mediocrity they try to feed me
You see, the thing is,
I still believe.

I still believe its out there
I still believe my love is mine to give
And one day I’ll receive it too
Without sacrificing the lilies
Nor the mountains and tulips
Should that drive me to insanity
I happily accept the calamity.

I’ll keep waiting
I’ll keep believing
I’ll keep giving
Most of all,
I’ll keep loving.

I kissed another man yesterday
He wasn’t you, but does that matter?
Do you even care? I doubt it…
So why do I feel like this?

I let his lips sink into mine
I allowed it, heck, I kissed him back
My mind immediately rushed to you
But this felt good, and lately
I don’t even know where are you

You’ve been missing, missed
Work, you’re busy, business trips
It’s not like there was something
Why does it feel like times changing?

I miss you, dear eternal
Maybe I imagined thats what
Your lips would feel like
If I ever got to kiss you

Here’s a man that’s sweet and kind
We dance, we talk, but I’m not blind
We’re new here, seeking refuge in the other
Its convenient, and he smells of sweet lime

Is this wrong? Am I hurting you?
God, I wish you’d care about this
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so
Crazy for missing you for missing
Something that never existed

He pulled back and asked me
Was that okay? I smile and say
Yeah, that’s definitely okay
He intertwines his fingers with mine
I breathe out a deep sigh
Wishing those hands were yours

We had a lovely evening
Kisses, caresses, soulful tunes
Dancing however we felt
I felt quite free, we
Laughed with a lot of glee

I told him I’m not looking
For anything or anyone
He said its okay, I still like you
That’s a dangerous game

I like him, that is still true
But, dear love,
He’s just not you.

I will miss you
Oh, I will miss you so
a longing I feel now
even with you so close

alas I will look back
with sadness and joy
reminiscing how you
after an eternity
made me feel
alive
once again.

for that, I am grateful
and for that,
I will miss you.

who are you
what on earth are you doing
doesn't he love me?
am i that desperate for love?
do i need it?

maybe i am too hollow for this
it will hurt to leave him
it will hurt very much
but I need to salvage my self-respect
he did not take it away from me
but i am letting it

why
why am i doing this to myself
why am i doing this
you are just
trusting everything he is saying
but how much do you know is the truth
you are
letting your guard down
lower and lower each time and now
have only so much left you
have concealed
what if once he has seen it all
he leaves you open, scarred
vulnerable.
he loses nothing

you are bare, hurt and betrayed
once again
can you really bear the pain
i dont like to be put down
yet he is so real with me
is that not good
to gain feedback criticism and learning
at the expense of what
i am falling in love and hence
i am afraid
afraid i will be blinded
******* and bound in shackles
enslaved to this man whom
all i can say is
he is kind
and he is a good man.

is that enough?
what if i lose myself
i can not afford to do that
never again
but will i, with this man
it seems so likely
is it on me

i must be strong
i must be strong
i must be strong
what i want
is just as valid as what
anyone wants and more importantly
what he wants but his is all i care about

what i know and see
is just as valid as what he can see
my perspectives may not be as
experienced as his
but they are experienced differently
and experienced nonetheless

if i need remind myself these thing already
am i already being dominated
subconsciously
if he has already hinted at parting ways
how can i stick around to see if
he will break my heart
i feel out of control
it is new
i am afraid

afraid enough to leave?
one that does indeed keep me happy
maybe i am simply being silly
all can be talked about
but there is this voice inside me
screaming

reminding me to always
remind myself to be careful
so very careful

yet all i want to do
is likened to standing at the edge of a
cliff beside a waterfall onlooking a
crystal clear lagoon
take a deep breath which will be the only certainty i have, the air in my lungs
and jump.

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

trees, I see myself in a forest
I breathe in the smell of leaves
Yet I simply closed my eyes in concrete
While you fell asleep on my shoulder

So many questions arose the first time
Direction, definition, purpose, intention?
And manifested itself into solidified anxiety
Man oh man did that terrify me

No, I won’t let this taint the beautiful space
I know how hard I worked to get to this
Breathe, in, out, we’ve got the strength it needs
****, alright so we’re doing this

Shame and embarrassed, I looked down
Do you want me to sit somewhere else you asked
Its okay, I can just look away as I say
Breathe, this can’t be that terrifying

So I asked you, I asked you
Every question occupying my mind
Bluntly, no sugar coats, in its rawest form
And I told you, I told you
Every answer clouding my mind

And with that, I felt so free
And with that, sleeping on bean bags had
Never felt so restful
And with that, anxiety free
Love is felt just with a hand under my head

It feels so good to be free
Tied to less than a week
But yet,
I am free.

I smell the trees
As you rest peacefully.

I'm trying to find the right metaphor for the storm
but I ended up mumbling your name.
I can hear your bones break like thunder.
I can hear your cries against my windowpane,
thousands of miles from where you are.

You never thought I would stop running but I did.
I still remember the day when you beg my heart to settle down.
I still remember our little dance in the terrace,
two young people in the night,
experiencing forever in twelve hours.

You were the reason why I feel sad over the sound
of singing crickets and heartbeats.
You were the reason why I stop leaving things unfinished.

A friend called and told me how you're doing.
I wonder if your scars still hurt when it rains.
I want to cover your shoulder with words and moonlight until it softens.
Until you stop putting your hand on your chest at 2AM to keep it from howling.

I don't remember what type of storm you are anymore,
But I still remember you when it rains.

I cannot feel this now
I cannot feel this now
I do not feel for you
maybe if I keep saying
it will become true

hold me, while I
break and
fall apart,
won't you?

why do I do this to myself.

I’m trying to hold on
I really am
So much effort into it
But where is it all going
I’m tired, so tired

It’s funny how easily
I can fake a smile that
Everyone believes
Funny, a word I
Like to use instead
Of sad

Once again, well aware
That all of this makes no sense
So much to be thankful for
Others, hell I, envied being here
So tell me why is this unending
Darkness consuming me

I’m fighting it, I truly am
But I am tired, so tired
Of feeling this empty
Can I just let the night
Wash over me, till I
Cease to be

A cowardices crutch they say
The urge to flee, run away
Another venue, the same sorrow
This rabbit is tired of her burrow

Dear lord Please
Let me know
When its finally
Time to go.

Maybe then I’ll get to see
You again in heaven
Or maybe I won’t
Who knows

I want to believe that
You’re right here with me
That you’ve always been
You just feel a little distant lately

Maybe I’m just holding on to you
Because maybe you’re the only one
Who could ever love a broken soul like me
Is it so wrong that I want to give up
Just so that I can be with you again?

I need you
I miss you so much
I feel so alone in this world
I’m losing my mind
I need you
I’m not as strong as you said I was
I need you

To everyone else I am just a stranger.
To you, I am your daughter.

I was calm, peaceful, content
Then you came along an it was lively
As time went by it just turned to anxiety
It peaked, the anxiety overwhelmed me
And then, once again the depression set

You’re the last one I thought would trigger this
Feeling worthless, empty, without meaning
Fun metaphors we made A & B, thinking
That someone who’s B could never hurt me
I laugh from the depths of this well
Maybe with this echo, there’s a way out

I worry, I worry so much once again
You’re so stiff, all of them as they led me
I wanted to say, I know, I wish I could relax
The pain I feel inside barely allows me to move
Let alone twirl and dance the way I used to love
Even that has been tainted by you
Yet I am not angry, just void of feeling

I worry, I worry so much its all crashing down
My time, my mental space I sacrificed
To think I could make a difference in someone
I was just sabotaging myself concurrently hurting you
Man, how I wish what I did brought some benefit
Maybe then I could sleep in peace

Now I might not have a job anymore
I might not have a home
I might have no friends
And I might have no direction
I might have absolutely no one

These were my choices
This is my karma
Ive lived before and I can live again
So comes, as so goes

But hey, maybe I’ve still got me
And I guess that’s worth something
Even if everyone thinks its not.
So comes, as so goes

I’ll find another sense of meaning

Yes I am pushing everyone away
Yes I hurt everyone close to me
Yes I am shutting myself in
Yes I know no one can help me this way

This is the only way I know how to feel
This is the only way I know how to be numb
I’d like to believe my doors are soldered shut
I just wish someone would care to knock
Let alone break them down
You hear the screams
They’re just tears

I don’t bite, I promise