trees, I see myself in a forest
I breathe in the smell of leaves
Yet I simply closed my eyes in concrete
While you fell asleep on my shoulder

So many questions arose the first time
Direction, definition, purpose, intention?
And manifested itself into solidified anxiety
Man oh man did that terrify me

No, I won’t let this taint the beautiful space
I know how hard I worked to get to this
Breathe, in, out, we’ve got the strength it needs
****, alright so we’re doing this

Shame and embarrassed, I looked down
Do you want me to sit somewhere else you asked
Its okay, I can just look away as I say
Breathe, this can’t be that terrifying

So I asked you, I asked you
Every question occupying my mind
Bluntly, no sugar coats, in its rawest form
And I told you, I told you
Every answer clouding my mind

And with that, I felt so free
And with that, sleeping on bean bags had
Never felt so restful
And with that, anxiety free
Love is felt just with a hand under my head

It feels so good to be free
Tied to less than a week
But yet,
I am free.

I smell the trees
As you rest peacefully.

Yes I am pushing everyone away
Yes I hurt everyone close to me
Yes I am shutting myself in
Yes I know no one can help me this way

This is the only way I know how to feel
This is the only way I know how to be numb
I’d like to believe my doors are soldered shut
I just wish someone would care to knock
Let alone break them down
You hear the screams
They’re just tears

I don’t bite, I promise

I was calm, peaceful, content
Then you came along an it was lively
As time went by it just turned to anxiety
It peaked, the anxiety overwhelmed me
And then, once again the depression set

You’re the last one I thought would trigger this
Feeling worthless, empty, without meaning
Fun metaphors we made A & B, thinking
That someone who’s B could never hurt me
I laugh from the depths of this well
Maybe with this echo, there’s a way out

I worry, I worry so much once again
You’re so stiff, all of them as they led me
I wanted to say, I know, I wish I could relax
The pain I feel inside barely allows me to move
Let alone twirl and dance the way I used to love
Even that has been tainted by you
Yet I am not angry, just void of feeling

I worry, I worry so much its all crashing down
My time, my mental space I sacrificed
To think I could make a difference in someone
I was just sabotaging myself concurrently hurting you
Man, how I wish what I did brought some benefit
Maybe then I could sleep in peace

Now I might not have a job anymore
I might not have a home
I might have no friends
And I might have no direction
I might have absolutely no one

These were my choices
This is my karma
Ive lived before and I can live again
So comes, as so goes

But hey, maybe I’ve still got me
And I guess that’s worth something
Even if everyone thinks its not.
So comes, as so goes

I’ll find another sense of meaning

*******
*******, for asking me to open up
*******, for using that as fuel to shame me
*******, for hurting me exactly where I begged you not to.

***** you, for pretending soft voices and nice words are compassion
***** you, for taking my words out of context
***** you for acting like you understand and then changing your mind
***** you, for making me feel seen for a moment before turning me into a villain

You praise me for the compassion I gave
For the shame I was without
The empathy I scraped from the bottom of my soul
Hoping, praying maybe this person will give this to me the moment I need it
You silly girl, haven’t you learned your lesson
People always turn
They don’t just leave you empty,
They take everything they can salvage and then some
Leave you with absolutely nothing but self hatred, when you were just fine
And still make you the villain

And you say you have love to give
Stop ******* kidding yourself, silly girl
The only love you’re ever going to receive is the one you give yourself
Why do you still hope that what you give could be returned?
They only know how to take, how to hurt
And then say that you were never there

When will you ever learn your lesson
That’s what they all tell me to do,
Why do you care Kisha?
Why do you do so much for them?
I see pain, I see pain I’ve felt and I want to make it go away, because no one did this for me
Maybe it will bring some solace, some good
Stop ******* caring
I wish I ******* knew how.

You say you hurt
Well good. The care always goes to those who are asking for it, showing their emotions
You’ll find another one to care for you
And I’m stuck in this dark empty hole

Where no one sees me
I’ll stay here where no one sees my pain
The place Ive always been in
You shamed me even for that, ha!
Show your feelings you said
****** *******.

Make me the villain, go on
Do it. I dare you.
You’ll just be another one who’s never seen me
What makes you special?
Join the crowd
We’ll host a party.
At least I’ll be laughing
No one’s sleeping tonight

Let this cruel nature seep out again
I’m ready for you
And let me remember this every time I enjoy the pain I inflict onto myself
So sweet, don’t think twice, ah yes
This is exactly why we do this
I’m never letting someone tell me otherwise again
How foolish, from fools who have never seen me
To tell me how to live?
Ive got one thing to say to you
*******.

…for what, exactly?
One day you wish for tulips
The next its climbing volcanoes
Another it’s lazing with cabernet
Maybe seeing the skylines from above
How dare you even try wish for love?

I once read that if you truly want something
You need to make space for it to have being
Space for it to grow, nurture, breathe
Maybe I misunderstood what that was
Maybe leaving myself empty wasn’t the answer
Maybe not trying to fill it with busy thoughts  
Maybe not quieting my hopes, wants, dreams.

Oh simple mind, how easily you’re mistaken
You want the tulips, hydrangeas, lilies
Yet also the mountains, waterfalls, trees
And the comforting embrace of a home
Didn’t you learn, my dear?
You can’t have it all

I think I exist in a place called a dream
Born there, grown up in a daydream
In a place where fairytales take heed
I hear the sound of quacking ducks, and geese
Maybe its my refuge to seek comfort in
A world that exists only in my mind
Alice in wonderland, no wonder you were kind.

But whether it’s a fallacy in my mind
Or something that unfolds in this dimension
I’ll accept the insanity if it brings me there
I gleefully accept that any day over
The mediocrity they try to feed me
You see, the thing is,
I still believe.

I still believe its out there
I still believe my love is mine to give
And one day I’ll receive it too
Without sacrificing the lilies
Nor the mountains and tulips
Should that drive me to insanity
I happily accept the calamity.

I’ll keep waiting
I’ll keep believing
I’ll keep giving
Most of all,
I’ll keep loving.