I said in the beginning
That I would stay neutral
Lose my voice
My mind
My heart
So no one would hate me
So I wouldn't make mistakes

But I make mistakes every day
And I know at least someone out there hates me

My body is punishing me
For the change in weather
Just like what my mind did
The months after we were together

I rebuilt myself with help
From nothing and everything
But my heart still beats for you
And trust me, it's terrifying

Frustration from this hopeless love
Can never be fully diminished
If there was a blue flame, it's red now
Against everything I've wished

Although I crave a companion
To embark on this treacherous journey
I'll always have your ghost near
So why bother trying to be happy?

I don't need it
I don't ******* need it
Strip the flesh from my bones
Maybe then I can bleed it

The torment from past decisions
Letting emotions become my demons
Hiding within myself the only key
To accepting that I'm just a person

I can bleed all of it out
So people know what I'm talking about
When I tell them I understand
That I'm in that same pit of doubt

A moment I did not attend
A loss I still can't comprehend
A lifestyle I unknowingly defend
But always will up until the end

Sons always protect their mothers
And this one is just like any other
If I am a reincarnation of another
I will strive to be like her brother

By being there when others are not
Bringing back hope when it was left to rot
Showing you can still love after having fought
For something that should have never been a thought

When she needs to rant about school
Describe how her new quilt is "so freaking cool"
Worry her outlets aren't proper fuel
To a fire that consumed every other tool

I will be there to remind her, above all
That it's perfectly normal

My eyes are imaginative
At least the ones in my head
They don't look for anyone else but you
Even the back of my eyelids
Still paint your face with ease
The songs I associated with you
Only use teamwork and build lies to my heart
You see
My emotions are horses
Galloping, grazing, and resting with joy
But always alert to danger
Wait
My emotions are never alert
They fall for girls with pretty eyes
Soft voices
Gentle frames
Touches so hot they melt my skin and soul
But my mind keeps the center cold
For when you come back into my life
So it lies to my heart
"They will only break you down"
"They hide their fangs well"
Whipping it back into submission
I want to gallop
To sing and dance
To love again
**** my paranoid and delusional mind

Pull back
Stop trying
It's not working
You're slowly dying

Wait for her
Focus on your life until then
Your back needs to relax before
You try to bend it backwards again

But don't show frustration
Insecurity or loneliness
She doesn't deserve that treatment
Be just as independent as she is

Make your mind focus on your life
You can still be interested but not clingy
You aren't on the ******* Titanic
Just a low-class and broken down dingy

Wait for her to respond
Even if it's just for new plans
Don't let your mind be the devil
For these idle hands

Stub your toe on the border
Of what my words have constricted you to
Everyone else updated their passports
And took the nearest plane in view

They build and shelter
But ultimately suffocate
So why is it that you stay?
Not making an attempt to relocate?

I arrange my words like a foundation
Thinking at any second you'll tear it down
But you've been using your love as adhesive
Working alongside me without a sound

You don't see our life
As an overfilled notebook
I've been fabricating your opinion
When trust was all it took

I spread my words messily now
Like a kid enjoying chocolate too much
Fear of departure is absent now
All I can look forward to is your touch