have a teddy bear.
I sleep with him 365 days a year and I sometimes get separation anxiety from not holding him in my arms. He has came on countless vacations with me, countless car rides, and countless sleepovers. Countless times he has watched me paint my skin in the morning till I washed it off at night, countless times he has watched tears stream down my cheeks while my breaths stagger uncontrollably. After one incident, one “are you okay?” one bad day and you are in my head.
The first time you spoke to me was the first time something other than my teddy bear stopped the tears instantly, so I don’t think you can come close to imagining how I felt when you swallowed the poison and took a chance at death. The first time you spoke to me was the first time I read someone’s future like an open  book and darling,
This is not where your story ends.
I have seen the daughter that you will one day cradle in your arms as she breathes lightly through butterfly lungs and flamingo lips. I have watched the stars form on her cheeks,connecting her universe to yours as your love for her explodes into a supernova.
And darling you are going to love her the way I love you.
I have watched a girl ride into your life on a moonlit path and slay the demon that we call depression, and I watched your fingers intertwine the way your future will. I have seen your sister who you will love the way I love you, and I have seen your mother and your neighbor and your best friend and your dog all whom you will love the way I love you.
But darling, I’ve also seen the blades.
Ive seen the days when you start to think that slicing your arms so deep that the metal dances through your veins is the only answer but I am here to tell you that it is not. I have read chapters of your life that you didn’t even know existed; pages that you thought the author left blank because of a sudden, tragic accident.
But darling I promise,
This…
is not your ending but a start to a new beginning

Grow up.
Forget the pill bottles; no more slicing up your wrist pretending that everything was your fault. Get rid of your unhealthy addiction because your addiction was him, and thinking about it is like acid being injected into your veins, it will eat you alive.
Grow up.
I can’t, because growing up means I have to give up, and giving up is on my mind more frequently and it’s like time is racing past me and I just need to; slow down or stop time but my mind can’t stop thinking because you’re everywhere I go, you’re everything I see like you’re tattooed on my non existent eyelids preventing me from sleep. I can’t.
Grow up.
Forget about your past, don’t think about your future and live in the present. There’s better things than what you see through the transparent cracked glass, I promise. The glass is just your own allusion[d] mocking you that you're the last one to realize that fast is as slow as slow is too fast.
Grow up.
How? How do I grow up when I fell in love with him easier than children believe that their parents will stay. When the intoxicated screaming over runs the central control and it consumes every life form, eating away every white blood cell I have left in my body.
Grow up.
I’m finally admitting to myself that I’ll grow up, but living, now that’s different. I’m still debating if I really wanna live or am if I’m pretending, pacing around with a pencil drawn fake smile while my lifeline remains at zero. But I’ll grow up, because growing up is easier than seeing him everyday and feeling my heart stop as if I’m one second closer to death. I’ll grow up because every blood cell I had left slowly dissolve into something a little less then being alive. I’m growing up because I don’t know if I can continue down this twisted confusing path any longer by myself.
I’m giving up.
because I have nothing else to lose

I don’t think you care that daddy had too many drinks that night. His intoxicated soul enwrapped me with bruises and scars that will never go away.
I don’t think you care that ***** got locked out of my room, and I feel more guilty than everyone because I was not there to protect her.
I don’t think you realize that my biggest insecurity is labeled with a capital DAD entangled in my toxic heart.
Who said dads were supposed to be there for you?
My dad was at the kitchen table telling us to eat or else.
My dad was the dad who would rather chose a bottle of Gin over his family.
My dad was the one who lit the fire in my lungs, clattering up the debris, making it hard to breathe.
In all honesty, I never really learned how to breathe.
I was taught by hyperventilating cries, red puffy eyes, where everyone lies, to black and blue oceans covering up my spine
I was taught by a collision in my brain, because I can’t help the dagger that’s stuck way too deep from misfortunes and misdirections.
I was taught that no one but myself could be trusted because sooner then you know it, you might be the one jumping off the edge.  
Even with all the alcoholic rivers leading up to my room, from all the red stains flowing down my limbs.
Flows.
Did you just enjoy the flow of the venom that you injected into your veins?
Did you enjoy becoming a monster?
Did you enjoy the river flow that with every wave drowned us a little more.
Did you enjoy never becoming my father.

You left me alone in the debris of your thoughts. You set me on fire and just let me burn,
just like the rest of the useless things in this world. You kept shoving pills down my throat like xanax, synthroid, zyprexa and klonopin just to get me to change who I really am, but I don’t even know who I am.

You kept telling me that I’m not good enough,  that I’ll never be good enough. So I can’t get through a day without telling myself that I’ll never be able to succeed  anything, that I shouldn’t even try. That’s probably why you left.

My life was a lie upon many that I never chose to accept,  because you said you loved me. You said you wouldn’t leave this time. But you saying you love me was just a figment of my own illusion because the next day you were off with some other girl.

I won’t lie and say I’m fine because I only have 182 bones because you took my rib cage out just to get to my heart. I won’t say that my brain doesn’t think about you anymore because my memories of you takes up 2.6 petabytes of my mind, it’s overflowing.

I drank every night just to eradicate you from my mind.  I had a system overflow and I wasn’t aloud to reboot myself, I wasn’t allowed to erase you from my life.  In my life we were perfect but in yours we were just a nervous wreck  and when our bodies collide all you could think is how to end it.

I guess you were never worth the brutal beating,  or the left over beer bottles scattered around my room. Because now I can finally say I’m over you…  Or at least I think.

seven years.
Seven years and nothing has changed, you’re the same person just with an unnamed face.  You told me you would change,but that will never happen, because I can still smell the alcohol even when you’re miles away.
You knew what you were doing, but you never stopped. You kept destroying her every move as if you claimed her,
She was not yours to claim.
You acted as if you were the hero who saved me but instead you were the hideous monster who hypnotized my eyes. You told me that you would stay, but I can’t help but notice that I still have a flinch as if you’re still hitting my face.
“Please stop”
I can’t take it
It was never fun living in a nightmare, so when I finally got some help, you decided to follow my every move until you made me think it was my paradise in disguise.  
And if you ever asked me If I forgave you all I can say is I saw the word caution when I saw you the first time, but my mistake was when  I crossed the yellow line,
I never took the procedure,
I didn’t think to follow the steps I needed to take to make a perfect family again.
I never thought for a second, that you would change me so much.
I saw the fire in your eyes as if you let it overtake your body.
Just one droplet, one more and everything will be just fine,
But it wasn’t
I saw her for the first time coward in the corner terrified,
of her own spouse.
I saw my sister with tears in her eyes, and I felt bad because I couldn’t support her, I couldn’t wrap my arms around her, I couldn’t pull her close,
I couldn’t do anything.
I felt useless.
You told me to do things that shouldn’t have been done, you told me to do this and you told me to do that and all I could do, is follow your instructions.
To think we used to be a big happy family, the kind you see on T.V and now were stuck in hell just trying to play catch up, trying to run faster than the other. Trying to beat out the rest.