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  Dec 2018 Rebecca
i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.
Rebecca Feb 2018
i just woke up, but three hours before me you are still soundly sleeping.  i can’t stop measuring heartbeats and gauging miles across torn up road maps, where each space in between whispers a breathy i miss you that can barely be heard.

i keep pacing around so much, that my floorboards have walked the distance between me and you, forming fault lines that go absolutely no where, no direction.  my ceilings have been stared at so intensely that i long to feel you staring right back at me, but only feel my eyes being absorbed into an eternal black space above me.

its adventure and madness, and if it isn’t, then its too sane to be true love for me.  my heart is now an empty void, and who knew that these miles between us would only destroy.

i pray every night to the stars that you’re happy and i hope they shine my prayers over you as you sleep.  and when you wake, i envy the sun for getting to kiss your skin everyday.

the world keeps rotating, time keeps ticking, and you’re still not here.  your love filled every crack inside my body, discovered parts of me i didn’t even know existed, and played symphonies on repeat in my head. tick tock tick tock, feeling things i have never felt, don’t let go, can’t let go. never.

inhaling like the way your arms embraced me. exhaling like the way i pushed you away.

when you look into her eyes, do you hope to see me in their reflection?  all I’ve stared at is the stars from my windshield when i drive, the sidewalk and my feet as i walk, the computer screen as i rot out my ******* eyes, and a bunch of other god awful boring **** ******* **** **** ****.

i am the one waiting on you.  and i always forever will be waiting.  i swear to you, i won’t ever stop waiting.  i say it every **** day to every person i meet. “yeah my ex-boyfriend from L.A. i’m running away with him one day forever.”  every ******* person.

you are my ticket to the better life i need to live.

i wish i could reach you and touch your hand, but you blocked my number.
“hey” “hey! how are you” “i miss you” “help I’m ****** up” “i miss you” “i need you” but nothing ever gets delivered.
you’ll never hear my cries for help.

where have you been? where did you go?

i know you’re forgetting about me and there’s nothing i can do about it.

where are you? the guy who would take videos of me doing my makeup in the bathroom mirror? the guy who kissed my forehead as i slept? the guy who traveled miles and miles just to kiss my lips?
where is he?

remember those moments during the days leading up to when we met again in new york city? how everything just felt so right and meant to be over simple text messages? we didn’t even have to be physically with each other to know it was meant to be

i miss the way your finger strokes my cheek, but i also miss the way your hand grabbed my hair from behind.  i miss the way you curl your arm around my waist, but i also miss the way you pushed my wrists into the mattress.

so many miles.

maybe this isn’t going to happen.
i keep telling myself it is, but maybe I’m wrong, maybe i’m crazy and delusional.

you are the forbidden fruit.
i bit into you once and tasted your sweet taste and lived with you in that moment.
but now you’re gone and all i have left is certainly no garden of eden.

a life barely worth living

what if it stays like this forever? what if it never rekindles again? what if we never meet again? what if i never get to stare into those blue eyes again? kiss those soft lips again? feel those hands around my waist again? run my fingers through that hair again? what if i stay this way forever? no one falls in love with me ever again?

what if i’m unloveable?

let’s be honest. this feeling’s never leaving.

i’m having my doubts.  maybe you don’t actually feel the same way i do, or the same way i felt.
maybe you love every girl the same, but to me it was the most love i’ve ever felt in my entire life.
maybe i was played.

i don’t know what to think anymore.

“find what you’d die for and live for it”
then i guess what i’m living for is you
each and every day.

i know you’re somewhere.

“no jumping from the pier,” said the manhattan beach sign.
but i jumped anyways.

i dream of you.
i dream of you rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
or walking briskly in the open air of boston.

i dream of a little girl.
i dream of combing her hair every day
half of me and half of you
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly embodying your kind heart.

i dream of the louvre.
i dream of the first moment my eyes met yours.
i dream of our forever.

i dream of being the perfect version of me.
i dream of my wandering heart settling into yours.
i dream of us.
i dream of you.

nothing seems to change. i am stuck.
nothing but old high how are yous where my head spins at each thought of your shining face.

one minute you’re riding your bike around the block to your best friends house to go to the local town pool.
the next minute, you meet the love of your life in paris at only 16.
the next minute, you lose the love of your life somehow and everything seems to blur.
then suddenly you’re stuck in this blur. nothing moves anymore.

it’s getting colder, but i’ve been frozen ever since i left you.

my brain is mush. i can’t even think anymore.
or maybe i think too much?

how did i end up here?
i don’t know where i belong anymore. new york city’s lively streets? los angeles’s aura on the beach? parisian café’s sipping coffee? boston bars with the music blaring? pennsylvanian countryside wandering the forest? dead?

what does she have that i don’t have? what is it about her that he likes?
is she smarter than me? more intellectual than me? he finds her interesting and stimulating to talk to?
or maybe she has more money than me? has a large fortune waiting for her? and they want to be rich together and soak up in each others richness?

is he in love with her the same way he was in love with me?

please don’t just be a memory. you’re more than just a memory. i am more than just a memory.
our story is more than just a memory.

dial tones are my least favorite sound.
it’s the only sound associated with waiting, or at least what i can think of.
dial tones are all i hear when i try to reach you.
i can’t even make a phone call without my heart plunging into my stomach, forcing me to think about you.

i wish i could snap my fingers and fast forward into another world where you and i never parted.

I DIDNT WANT TO HOLD YOU BACK from all the energy that DARTED from your fingertips.
i let you go so the WORLD COULD SEE THE LIGHT SHINING FROM YOU and so you can soak in the world’s energy right back
in hopes that one day we’ll have absorbed so much life that we can find more life in each other again.

i can’t pretend this didn’t happen.

once again, you have entered my time zone and have entered my mind. the strings between us have shortened and i can feel them pull and strain as my heart pulls toward you. a lingering presence of your restraint still haunts me and has me wondering if you even still love me at all.

please see beyond your restraint and reach out to me with open arms. please recognize my good intentions and never-ending love that goes above and beyond what we think we are capable of loving.

sirens of your toxic spirit blaring all throughout the east coast once again and i can’t help but listen to their alluring call. a game of tag across the time zones. tag you’re it.

time keeps on ticking and the earth continues rotating, but i have halted. the universe has spoken to me far too many times through its catastrophic blows towards me. i have decided that i no longer want to be a victim of your continuous presence and diminishing universal energy.

i pray that this is the last time i ever write in this document, or at least hopefully not for a long time.
but you see there lies my problem again: time. i keep praying that you’ll come back, if not now, then later, but later is too far away and i am tired of this eternal suffering.

no more.

in order for the universe to come into alignment with me again, i must let go of the already-happened past, let go of the god-only-knows future, and embrace my current present state.
an ongoing poem of my thoughts since i left you.
  Nov 2015 Rebecca
Jaxton Tyler Redmond
It didn't happen all at once, it was like a slow simmer. Or maybe even how a sunburn appears, it may have even felt the same. It was like a constant sting that burned every time we tried to fix it hurting oursleves more and more as time passed. The hollow feeling throbbed every kiss felt like a gut punch and I wasn't ready to fight you. We had the world and then suddenly we didn't. How could a love be as bright as the north star yet die out as fast as a birthday wish is made. Promises made of forever and happy ever after were spun and I swear to god ive been so in love with you that I look at you with pure love while all you'll ever look at me is like a friend or another notch in your tally board. I swear to god every time I said I loved you I meant it, there was such intensity behind those words that I am the one paralyzed unable to get up. Its like I am the one who was holding the gun but you were still the one that shot me bringing me to my knees begging for a little tenderness. It was like a slow simmer or maybe even how fast the summer disappears.
Rebecca Dec 2014
we are people composed of completely different chords and varying levels of volume.  i play one way, you play another.  i go up, you go down.  never syncing, we end up sinking.  spitting up all my regret, your noise level grows hushed and mine rings tones of a plea for you to stay.  crashing, clanging, booming, ear-splitting.  stay, stay, stay.  finding myself sitting still and still sitting with a buzz trapped between my ears.  the past has passed, but you haven't forgotten a single note.  nevertheless, my song still echoes over, "come home, come home."  just please give it one more listen before you completely fade out.

  Dec 2014 Rebecca
sometimes i wonder if god keeps a record
of all the times i have been left,
all the times i have been unable to leave.
i wonder if he thinks to himself,
"when will she learn?"
as if he feels my heartache too.
i picture god with a furrowed brow,
hunched over a typewriter,
beginning me again and again,
a mountain of crumpled paper at his feet.
but somehow -
he always ends up at the same point in the story
where i am all ****** palms
and half-hearted hallelujahs
propped up on bruised knees.
spitting up blood & teeth at his feet screaming,
but he doesn't answer.
and i catch myself wondering if the silence
is his way of punishing me for making a deity out of you.
after all, the bible says he is a jealous god.
i could've sworn there was a verse somewhere
that said you weren't allowed to love anyone other than me.
but now that i think about it,
i probably took it out of context.
if i could add a parable to those already existing,
it would be how your chest
felt like church under my head,
and how i thought to myself,
"this is how it would be if he loved me back."
or how you fled my bedroom like a crime scene.
i am still bleeding.
i won't tell you how many times
i cracked my heart in half
trying to be what you wanted.
how my lips on your skin felt judas.
now i am waiting for god to begin me once more,
hoping he'll leave you out of the plot this time
because i don't think i could stand to lose you again.
see, rumor has it he knew you'd leave
and has been trying to make it up to me
since before we'd even met.
my song is one of repentance.
the wood finish from abandoned pews
rotting under my fingernails.
i made sacrifices you didn't ask for.
i have never known
whether my inability to abandon people
is more a strength or a weakness
but so far everyone i've ever loved
has turned into an exit wound,
and myself into a flickering no vacancy sign.

- m.f.
Rebecca Aug 2014
does my voice still echo in your ears before you sleep at night?
as you lay your head down, i'll be whispering in the bottles i finish as a form of communication hoping that i'll reach you,
but i don't think i have or will anytime soon.
do you dream of the paradise where we met?
because every time i throw the finished glass bottles into the ocean, i hope they will wash up on the sand that we stood on.
i feel as if you're with me when you're not;
as if your presence is with me in every sip, but i need to stop swallowing alcohol and start swallowing the truth.
you're not coming back.

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