Feeling that my life is passing me by
Couldn't do a single thing  I like doing
Trapped in this infinite solace
Let it not be my demise

The sky is darkening
I am rushing
My heart is palpitating
Maybe, it will be raining
I'm getting near the main entrance
I suddenly pictured the notebook with all my dances
I remember everything I wrote on it entirely
Step 1, 2, 3, 4
There goes 5, 6, 7, and 8
I just ate words from the lesson plans I created
Shooting videos out of pleasant messiness
My feet want to move backwards
But my brain says, go, and move forward
Afraid to be late
I want to annihilate everything in the notebook
Put checks and tick marks
to the never ending bookshelves
Wait a second, I should reward myself a booklet
The mirror does not tell me I'm beautiful
The weighing scale tells me to gain more
The clothes I wear scream of looseness
Even eating becomes a chore, for as long as I can remember
Intensely focused on any of the tasks
Go on! Test my patience!
I do not remember its existence!
does not make me surrender
finishing the game makes me stronger
Give me some more, go on! Make me surrender.
As I am writing this, I picture me with you
You who has yet to come
Or You who I haven't noticed
These thoughts of me without You
These thoughts of undying load
They Burden my soul with the nearing truth of lonesomeness
Songs run in my head, ... something that goes, "... I'm wasting away"
"Rise up" makes me wake up
I'm numb of my "BUSY" buzzing like the bees
I cannot even remember my lonesomeness
Each step I make
I move forward, yet backward to the dreams of not having you
Every wave of my hands settle my mediocre acquaintances
How could I let myself be weary, and hurt, and suffering, and accused of many instances.

I acquired more rings today
Guess I'll never have my farewell day
Was it  merely coincidence,
The Higher Being, why, oh, why?
You just saved me from something embarrassing.

April 17 2018

There is nothing happy about death
Why is it that I never feel any sympathy for someone's death?
Everyone will go there
Everyone will falter
One after another
To death, we will all surrender
He could be nothing but good to his family
Well, I do not feel sorry, I'm even kinda happy
Don't let people see you sad
Don't let people see you mad
Reserve your anger to those you care about
Never let those insignificant people see your whereabouts
Now, I will pretend that I did not see or hear any news from this supposed sad event
I won't even say a single prayer, I will not be sad without my consent
No, I'll never be bothered by my conscience
I can sleep soundly, I'm happy
Now, you know, how much losing a father hurt...
I hope you realize and remember how hurt we were when it was our father who was lying in the coffin, and how my mother was hurt
I'll shut up now. I'll post something happy for everyone to see
especially your ill-mannered, abusive, opportunistic family
Yes. I know. People are like this.
They only see what they want or hear.
They only see themselves, especially, in despair
Well, life is unfair
I'm happy that you are all sad and unhappy
I hope that it'll last a lifetime
Go take advantage of some more people
Go be like a leech ******* the gold out of everyone
I hope nothing is left for you
I'm just plain happy that you are all blue.
I won't even say, "BLESS YOU."

Here me out!
**** peer pressure and social life!
Let me out!
No worries! I will shut up!
Missing our connection
I guess, you have nothing but a dying admiration
I sing in silence
You hear me out, say words with eloquence
Guess, I'm never good at saying "I miss you"
... I just said, "Don't talk to me, I hate you"
What a childish reply from me
I guess, your childish nature already died
Never will I hold on to the tail of your kite
Says the other Tori Amos song I used to sing every night
I told myself, I won't care about you
Wait, I just checked my phone at 11:52...
Listening to "Loneliest" tonight
Though, I've never really felt that way
I just feel that tonight, it suits my way
Was it just coincidence?
Why do I always make good music when I think of you?
My feet cramps from crossing my legs
One on top of the other
On top of my crossed legs is my laptop
I keep on writing poetry, I just cannot stop
Help me, please... do not really want to cultivate this plethora of thoughts
My intuition tells me that I should trust it
I will forget you
Though the CD you gave me makes me cry of joy
I know that deep inside, forever you will deny
Right timing?
**** social media, peer pressure and social life!
Goodbye! Surely, have dinner!
Get some dinner for breakfast
Eat lunch at dinner
Say goodbye, never say hi
This poetry is nothing by an expression of my authority
No need for sympathy
Borrowing some words from the song I am listening to right now
surveillance, ambulance
yes, we need an ambulance to resuscitate this dying matter

I'm never in any way affected
i just want to utilize you to make art
What can I do?
You help me throw up art
This poetry starts

Return to me
Even though you have not even been here
See me
Even though you have not yet known me
I see you, feel you, breathe you
Will you see, feel, breath me, too?
So busy with life
I neglect my social life
I will never say never to you
If you will be the one sent to me
I will never ask for more, just be with me, stay forever
Slow motion, that is your effect to me
Come back here, my love, wake me up from this illusion
Saw you at the church
imagining we were holding hands
having dinner afterwards
Ooh, Happy Easter!!!
I see your face everywhere
For you, I will be willing to be better than who I am today
Here me out (I know you won't)
See me (I know you won't)

Longing for connection
Where do I put this affection?
Been waiting ever since that day I started waiting
Still waiting even though someone was there
Grieving while being together
Feeling stuck even before I became free
Negativity envelopes me
I ask myself, why being alone makes me more in touched with myself
I do not know where to go?
where will I meet you?
Should I go to the one loving me or loving you
I hope that someday you will see through me
See that I'm the only one for you