It's interesting to me
That I assume what I know
Is common knowledge

Yet, most people don't understand what my words mean

They don't know what it means to both love
and hate yourself

They don't know what it means to give everything to others and have nothing for yourself left

They don't know what it means to feel so engulfed in the unforgiving tides of life yet feel so detached from reality

What a world they must live in
I want that

In and out

Hold for 7
Release for five

How beautiful is that
We do this naturally
Without though

How powerful it is when we realize
All that we could discover
With though

We hold onto more than we realize
Refusing to release it

Resentment
Bitterness
Anger

Can all be released

It begins with a choice.
How long are you willing to hold onto the past
Are you going to allow it to corrode your future
Will you contaminate your joy

I know it hurts
Growth is uncomfortable
Yet, beautiful

The slightest sound
Reminds me that my soul is bound
No longer profound
I am silenced

The abject emptiness
My heart cannot support the weight
of this
heaviness

I wonder
On the nature of things
Lucretius

My constant wondering if this is it
I can no longer sit

Around and be idle to this idol
What is it that I am choosing to be?
Is this me?
Is this what I am meant to see?

Of where I've been
The halls I've wandered
The solitude encompassed in the empty rooms
When I am alone with me

My past,
My memories
I try to ignore her
But she demands and audience
With herself

Who am I to deny
Her of her own being

This is not a poem I have written for you
This is why you are confused

I am my own muse.

As the world stands still
You notice some things

They may be about yourself
Or others
Hell, maybe even society

Everything wants to be seen
The trees beg for your gaze
The wind craves your acknowledgment
The sun desires your company

We become emaciated to the routine and struggle of success
And getting to where we think we want to be

To the point where we lose ourselves in where we are
We don't step out and question

We don't question
This will be
The downfall of humanity

*******.

You think you know me?
You think you know what I'm here to inevitably accomplish?
You think I know who you are?

I don't know you
You don't know me

You are merely a concept people have derived from the crevices of their mind to justify their unhappy lives
They never fought for what they wanted
They succumbed to the ideology that one day everything will turn out fine

What if it's not fine?!
What then
Will I say it was my destiny to be unhappy?
Will I say it was my destiny to choose the wrong ending for my life and achieve nothing?

You're so **** obscure
I can't see through you the way you see through me
I can see through anyone and anything
but somehow you are still a mystery

Why do you determine my value?
How dare you dictate what I'm meant to be
How ******* dare you look down on me and not help me.
Where are your famous notions of "spiritual guidance"?

You are supposed to represent everything I will achieve
Yet you keep it a secret?!
Why are you so **** selfish
You watch me face this pain
You watch as I dive into the bowels of uncertainty
Silently, all-seeing
Not one word do you unearth from the corrosive housing of your trap

Do you really know what I'm going to do more than I do?
Maybe that's why you irk me to no end

I envy you
I envy your ability to know more of me than I know of myself
I envy your certainty
I envy your detachment
I envy your logic
I envy
you

How dare you remain silent in my most tumultuous times
How dare you hold back

I will fight for what I want
Even if I don't know what that is
I'm not going to use you as a crutch
I'm not like those who succumb to the tides of nonexistence
I exist and I have a choice
You can not take that from me

But you know what the funny part is?
No matter what I do
What I decide in the here and now

Inevitably it will all be you.

I am trying to fit into this mold that creates everything and nothing
I'm so concerned about others I don't even check in with myself

Have I eaten? no.
Have I slept? no.
Am I happy? no.

My facade.
Oh, how we love her.
No, we love what lies deeper than her

Her soul is beauty
Her strength soothing
I don't think I'm better than anyone else
I am worthless
The emptiness I feel inside is counteracted by the love I pour into others.

I give
I give
I giv
I gi
I g
I

until there is nothing left

There is nothing left of me
What am I doing
Why am I so concerned about others when they don't give a **** about me.
No one appreciates my love
They don't feel it the way I feel it
Why do I give myself away so freely?
Why am I so ******* damaged
Why does he still love me?

I conjure this false sense of being there for everyone
But who is there for me when I'm broken?
Shattered
Beat down




Empty.

What am I here to do?

Confused by the aching pain in my chest
The disorder
The confusion
The intangible reality that presents itself to me

what do i choose?
how do i know if it’s the right choice?
what is the right choice
who am I?

This should not be so confusing

Should I do what’s best for me?
What about the repercussions
What about my family

What about love?

Love
Who knee it would chase me down
knock me off my feet
and rip the air from my lungs

Love hit me like a freight train
Do i get up and fight? Or do i just lie down and take it

Take it?
Take this pain
Take this emotion
Take this drive
Into the unknown?

Why is this so scary
I have never felt with this before
I’m so good at calming others
Helping others
Yet myself?
I know not where to begin

What is going on
Everything i once knew is uprooted from my imagination
My mindset
My focus
My determination
my
perspective

They’ve all shifted to accommodate a new possibility
New opportunity
New reality

Should I leave?
What am I doing here?
Was I really going to get where I thought I wanted to be
Am i settling?
Who am I
Do i like who I’m turning into?
who am I turning into
What will these decisions provoke

The real question is
Where do I go from here?