I miss my
baby.
I wish we could
just live together
already,
so we never have to
be apart.
I want to spend the
rest of my days
with him,
have babies that
inherit his smile,
and take his last name
as mine.
I'm so in love,
I'm blind,
and all I want
are his arms around me.
Love

   Love

Love
                 Love
      Love

I should be doing
homework,
but all I can think
about is you.
It makes me feel guilty,
but dangerously excited.
You are like tripping
without eating anything.
Falling,
even though I'm sitting down.
You are like dreaming
although I'm awake.
You are my sunshine
on this cloudy day.
And I can't wait
to spend my time
with you,
and escape into
the moment.

Sometimes you
learn the most when
you stop paying attention
and start listening.
My professor said
something in the middle
of her lecture that caught
my attention so much,
I wrote it down.
the cause of all suffering
is desire.
If only I could
stop my heart from
beating, every time
he says my name.

I look horrible
today.
I have huge dark
circles underneath
my eyes,
and acne covers my
face like splattered paint.
I don't sleep enough.
I'm always awake,
driving some where,
working,
or seeing my boyfriend.
I live off of
coffee, cigarettes,
and ****.
Always trying to
stay energized,
while I get a buzz.
I knocked my coffee
over at the Speedway
this morning,
and ran away.
I smoked a joint
before I went in..
don't judge me.

One of the hardest things
in the world
is sitting across from
some one you once
exchanged I love you
with.
Catching up and
pretending not to
remember what it felt
like to kiss them.
Every time I fall
in love again,
each time leaving
is harder
than it was before.
I never really remember
why these people left
my life,
or why they even entered
in the first place.
But it's always bittersweet,
when you walk away
with your heart
in your throat.
So, smoke a cigarette
and try to convince
yourself that you don't
love them anymore.

And it'll be okay.
For now.

I look for you
every time I go
to Speedway
before class.
Hoping to see you buying an
extra large coffee,
and then smoke
a cigarette in my car.
I want to laugh with
you again.
It was like we never
stopped.
I could live off your
encouragement,
and your smile.

I just like to know
how you are.

Underneath this
sunflower sweater
and sweet blue eyes,
I am a ***** grungy
rebel who loves the taste
of trouble and ***.
That's why I cut my
hair short,
it ****** people off.
I like to smoke cigars
and know that there's
a hickey under your
shirt.
Whips and chains
excite me,
black hair and
dirt bikes, danger,
and drugs are my
secret desires.
I like staying up
all night,
drinking cheap beer
and doing things we're
not supposed to.

I am all of these things,
but you may never know.

Oh the memories.
They hurt like
some one just jabbed
me in the heart.
I am longing for
last summer,
all those long nights
spent with you,
listening to Alt-J,
looking at the stars.
Ow.
I wish that the memories
could come like a laugh,
easy and good.
But usually I just
feel out of control.
Because I know that
all we will ever be,
is a beautiful memory.

I think I just found
the new title of our movie
-xo

I'm sorry I got high
and my fingers can't
stop writing sentences
about him.
But he is my muse.
The perfect amount
of true insanity,
in this corrupt universe.
And I just wanna tell him
everything.

He's drinking again.
He is receding,
falling,
and lost in his
own damaged
heart,
and out of his mind.
He had a light
when I saw him
for the first time,
but it has gone out,
the rooms are dark
and he is gone again.
But I still knock
on every door and window
begging to let me in.
Because even though
he's bad for me,
he is the most real
thing in my life
and even if his
soul leaves this earth,
this connection
will never end,
and
he will never leave
my heart.

Yesterday I
took him to
the hospital.
When I showed up
at his house he
was shaking,
and I could tell
he was in pain.
We got lost on the
way there but it
turned into a
fun road trip.
I laid my head on
his shoulder in the
waiting room,
and we played
I spy,
as we waited for
the doctor.
They said that it
was nothing serious,
so we ran to the car
when we were released,
and pulled into
the Taco Bell next door.
When we got back to his
house we got
high with the clouds,
and landed in his bed.
We had a perfect day,
that I never wanted to end.
And I fell even more
in love with the boy
I took to the hospital.

If you really
knew me,
then you would
know that
I'm a slob,
a tornado.
A lazy stoner who
can eat an entire
bag of Doritos in
one sitting.
And yet,
I'm a hard worker,
I get **** done.
You would know
that I'm shy,
until I fall in love
with you.
That I'm a little
slice of crazy,
wrapped up in
heaven.
If you really knew
me,
then maybe you'd
love me.

Sometimes I
really think I
have anger issues.
I freak out too often,
and don't know
where to put
my rage even
when the problem is
solved.
Maybe that's why
I pull my hair out
and chain smoke
like I'm in some
mafia movie.
I'm crazy and
I'm sure of that.
I just wish I could
control it.

Here I am,
sobbing into my
sheets,
because he turned
off his phone.
He won't even
talk to me
anymore.
I am worried.
I am sick,
what if he's dying
and I am not
going to be there.
I don't know
what to do.
I wish he would
just answer the phone
so we could start
over again.
Just pick up.
Just text me back.
What am I supposed to
do now?
I'm afraid I won't
make it through
work tonight.
Because all I wanna
do is throw up
on my shoes.

I wanna smoke
cigarettes in the
bath tub.
Lie on my bed
wearing nothing
but a robe.
Spike up my hair
just because I can.
Drive on the little
amount of gas
I have, just to see
how far I get.
I wanna eat breakfast
at the Waffle House
tomorrow morning
with some one,
not say a word and
have that be okay.
I want to dye my
hair black,
because I don't
think my current
situation is me.
I want to smoke
**** all day
and blow my pay check
on cigars and bad food.
I want to wake up
one day and for once,
actually have all of
these things that
I want.

We were sitting on
the floor of his laundry
room,
in tears as I was
trying to end it.
But all I wanted
to do was kiss him.
So I scooched closer
and I did.
He asked me why
I did that and
the answer was easy.
I said,
I love you.
So we smoked a few
bowls and talked for
a few hours,
and we ended up
in his bed.
We spent the night
kissing, and
crying.
Making love and
making up.
It was all just
a mis-understanding.

I have a problem
with falling
in love with things
that don't last.
Like this cigar
that kisses my lips.
It's already
half-smoked and
I'm already disappointed.
It's kind of like
my relationships.
Delicious and satisfying
at first,
until I inhaled
too fast and it's
almost gone.

I can't do this anymore.
I know you have problems
but I do too,
and Im not strong
enough to carry all
of this weight,
for you.
You say you love me,
but you don't show it.
You say I'm the best
thing in your life,
although I am never a
part of it.
How can you be
my shoulder to cry on
when you're the
reason I'm crying.
I have tried my best.
But that's all I have.
I have nothing left
to give,
nothing left for
you to take.
I am so sick of
feeling this way.

I
   Just
  
              Want
To
Be

           Happy.

There's a photo
that hangs in his
living room.
It's of a little boy
with big brown eyes,
and crazy dark hair,
he's smiling.
I know it's him.
Although I have never
asked,
and he has never told me.
As I left today
I realized I have
never seen him that
happy before in my life.
He left all his joy
behind with his childhood.

It's the moments
when we are
holding hands
in the store,
as I help him
pick stuff out.
When we're dancing
in the car to the radio,
and kissing at every
stop sign.
When we're making love,
and when he gets me high.
That's when I'm happy.
I love this boy who works
with me at Burger King.
In so many ways we are
very different,
and he makes me crazy.
But when he says,
I love you baby
I melt once again
and everything is okay.
We are okay.

I literally just
have to keep saying
good vibes right now,
otherwise I'm going
to scream.

I felt that old feeling
I used to get when
you are around.
Positivity.
Happiness.
And how appropriate
that we ran into each other
on such a nice day.
After all, you are my sunshine.

Hello Sunshine.
I saw you again today.
I was driving by the
Speedway and you
were wearing a
blue bandana.
I hope it was the one
you got from Bonaroo.
I remember how happy
it made you.
:)

Today I found out
that my boyfriend
has cancer.
Well, it's forming
in his body.
Stomach.
They gave him a
few pills and sent him
on his way.
He didn't even want
me to know.
Said he didn't want me
to freak out.
But I didn't.
He keeps saying
he's going to be fine.
It's fine, it's fine,
it's okay.
And what happens
if it's not?

I have to start over.
Almost two years
of writing
for nothing.
My heart is broken
in a way,
that those poems
that I poured my
life into
will never be published.
Everything I ever
wrote about Iowa
and my sunshine
is gone.
But I was told that
it was creepy and disturbing.
I can't even express myself
any more.
I don't even know if
I want to any more.
I am officially depressed.