I think I'm a little crazy,
but I'm not the only one.
My lifestyle is unstable.
Waking up early to go to
work after not having a full
8 hours,
drinking monster,
smoking ****.
Barely eating,
and then when you do
it's fast food.
I can't help but think that
I won't be able to do this
when I'm older.
There's no way that adults
live this way.
But I'm 19.
I'm still young.

Today I took my boyfriend
to apply for jobs,
and while he huddled over
his phone,
tediously filling out his full name
and other important info
about 18 times,
I read.
We were sitting in my car
at the park,
the wind was blowing too cold,
so I didn't get out.
I was glad to see that there
wasn't another person anywhere.
I was happy to be with
Bukowski.

I always knew that 4/20
was a special day.
I woke up two minutes after
he said,
I miss you too.
I have nothing to smoke on
today,
but those words take me higher
than any **** I've ever tried.
Or maybe it's because my
20th birthday is a week from today.
Like an early present I've
been waiting for.

I think he was trying
to ask me how I missed him.
Like, as a friend or something else.
I asked what he meant,
and he steered away from the question.
I was glad he did,
because I wasn't sure how
to answer.
I might have to say both.

I wonder how he misses me.

Waiting is the worst part.

Waiting to clock in,
to clock out,
for a response.
Waiting for pay day,
to sleep,
to smoke a cigarette,
or a bowl.
Waiting for that minute of
happiness during a day that
feels like it's never going to end,
yeah, that's the worst part.

Isn't it funny that I spent
all those months chasing down
every old black BMW
that crossed my path,
hoping to get just a glimpse.
Even though,
I knew where to find you.
But that's because up until
almost a month ago now,
I thought I would never
be able to see you face to face
again.
And maybe at the time,
that was true.
But I'm glad it isn't now.