It felt good to lay down
next to him and know
that I didn't have to
get up.

To fall asleep with him there.

He calms me down and
makes me smile
and tells me I look so cute
when I'm mad.

He doesn't even have to tell me
he loves me,
because he shows me every day.

I think about that conversation
we had so long ago now.
When you told me that you
wanted to apologize and that
I was one of the few people you
wanted to make right with.
You told me you wanted to
start a family,
start a life.
So why didn't you ask me to join you?
When things could've happened.
When I would have said yes.
I don't think I've ever had
someone say to me,
I want to start my life with you.
and mean it.
And the funny thing is,
he was so close.
But it was still not close
enough.

I have to complain a little bit.

These below freezing
temperatures,
icy roads and snow
are the things I fear the most,
and I knew it was coming.
This is why I was pushing so
hard, and not letting it go
when we were fighting about
him getting a job.
Maybe we would have a place
together by now,
or maybe he would be the one
that has to drive every single day,
and run his car to the ground.
I mean, it's been over a year.
And we've only talked about it
a few times.
To be honest, I hate it.
I hate all of this.

Today,
while cleaning
my car,
I vacuumed out the spot by the
ash tray and uncovered
a tiny purple ring.
It was put there two years ago
by one of my best friends.
Suddenly I actually remembered
her doing that,
and countless good memories
came flooding back.
I actually stopped what I
was doing,
and couldn't stop saying
wow!
Driving around,
jamming music and
"Cruising for dudes."
Talking about boys,
sneaking beers,
and smoking ****.

She spent some of the best
days of my life with me,
and she was the best,
best friend I've ever had.
I miss her.

I rang in the new year
with you all over
my dreams.
I guess,
the boy that I spent
a year wishing I could
forget,
is coming with me
in this one.