I am falling
back to where I used to be
except
you're not going to be there for me.
It hurts
knowing I was in love with an illusion
of what I thought you were,
knowing I am in love with a ghost,
knowing I am in love with someone
who doesn't exist.
It hurts
because I am still seventeen
and you were my friend
and you used me
and I'm still naive enough
to think that maybe you'll call
or maybe
I'll come home one day and see your car
and I'll see you
and you'll tell me it was a mistake
and you'll say you know what you want now
and you'll say you want me,
and you'll say you love me.
I guess I'm just deluded, right?
Stupid,
Psychotic,
Blind.
Let me tell you this:
I never wanted anything but you,
but you never wanted anything
other than my body
which I gave to you.
But it wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough for you.
*******
for making me feel worthless again.
*******
for making me think you were my friend.
*******
for not coming back to me.
I thought you were an angel
sent to save me,
to put me back together again.
I thought you were a masterpiece.
I thought I found God when I kissed you.
I thought that above all,
you would keep me safe,
you would protect me,
you would care about me.
But no,
you broke my ******* heart.
*******
for breaking my heart.

When we walk back to our rooms,
Talking about what we’ll do in our lives,
Once we’ve grown up and grown out
She says to me
‘It’s ok.
You’ll get a job easily because you are English
And you are white.’
I don’t have a reply
I want to show her the nights I spend studying, coffee induced, trying to make it to deadlines to get that grade
Believe me
There is nothing in this skin colour that can achieve that A, that job or that degree
Yes
I know I am lucky
My family history may not hold your exact pain
But tragedy is also in the ancestry of all of my forefathers’ names.
Does she know that her family earns more than mine?
That if our bodies were painted
hers would look gold
And mine would look off white
Like the old Vauxhall left around the corner
Broken and damaged
Doing its best to still run
It is spray painted white
Of course it works.
I am tired of being made to feel guilty for being the colour of milk bottles.
All lined up,
We are freezing into frosted shadows
Like we deserve the cold
We have been thrown into a snowstorm and told it does not matter if we are lost because at least we are not seen as different.
How can I tell her that snowflakes are all naturally unique?
All different shapes and densities and depths
I could only be whiter if I was dead
A corpse
Would I still be entitled to the world if I wasn’t even around to live in it?
We are told to celebrate difference
And I am in total agreement
But since when were pale shades considered nowhere near as important?
I can’t even be thankful that I was born in this gender
Because being referred to as a ‘typical white girl’ is a personal offender
Offended, offended
I know we are sick of political correctness
But why do manifestos of equality make feel like I’m worth less
In no way am I saying my skin colour makes me better
I am saying we should not target people for something they have to live in forever
We are all born into varying shades of brilliance
So why attack anyone?
Do not resist this
Do you think colour-blind people give a **** about anyones’ races?
It is not about looks or image or even faces
It is about heart and mind and love and affection
So why is my skin colour the only thing that grabs your attention?
Just last week there was an article written stating
That white working class boys were doing worse in the tables
Than any other race in the United Kingdom
Is this because we teach that white working class boys are entitled to everything
Except for an education, except for the freedom
To be proud of their skin colour, themselves, their entire culture
Instead we tell them
At one point in time
You had it all
Complete power and look what you did with it
How can they ever learn to trust themselves if we keep reminding them of what their great great grandfathers have done?
This article entitled them ‘the problem’ with British schools
As if budget cuts and institutionalized bullying isn’t what’s at fault at all
The villain in films often wears a mask – does he do that so you can’t see his skin colour?
So you can’t see that there is good and evil in all of us no matter how dark or pale you are
Do not make a villain of yourself
Do not make a villain of me
Please teach your children it is ok to be whatever skin colour they are born in
Tell them to wear it like their favourite dress or their favourite tie
Tell them they look good, that they suit it
Please teach them they are worth the world
Please teach yourselves, it is ok to be white.

Keep your hands away, don’t look at the thick of my hips, I don’t feel small enough for your love today.

- S.G.

I place my hand on your bare

Stomach and you **** because its

So cold,

I would kiss you

But I know you don’t like

The taste of blood and ***** mixed,
I also know that the thick purple bags under my eyes turn you off, you’d rather watch me get a full nights rest than **** me now,

I’m pathetic at best yet you still love me, and the longer you stay the more I feel sad for you, but please don’t ever mistake that for a wish that you’d leave

You’re the glue that holds my bones together and I’d collapse into dust without you.

- S.G.

I’m an apparition; nothing but black and blue skin,
coffee stained teeth, and cigarette smoke

You’re nothing but tired eyes, lanky elbows, and a hollow chest;
but that doesn’t make me love you any less.

- S.G.

I'm afraid to write about you because
Ink makes me feel everything,
And everything feels so much more real
When my cursive words smudge up against
The side of my hand and stain it blue
As my pen races to keep up with my heart

But it can't be real,
Because I thought I was moving on,
I thought I was growing up,
I thought I knew all of this was
Foolish and starry-eyed

I thought, I thought, I thought
But maybe I need to stop thinking
And just let myself feel;
Feel the butterflies you put in my stomach,
Feel the pure bliss you infuse into bloodstream

And maybe I don't need to know everything,
Like exactly what you're thinking
Or exactly how I feel
Or how all of this is going to turn out

I guess what I'm saying is that
Everything isn't always going to be clear,
I may come up to "two roads in a yellow wood"
And not be absolutely certain which one I'm meant to take,
But I do know that whichever path I choose,
I'd like to be able to scan the trees and smile
Because you're there walking alongside me.