Dear pomegranate,
How much of your bitter, bitter juice must I drink,
To prevent the free radicals from entering my bloodstream,
And ******* up my system.
Like water, I drink you,
Still that free radical looks my way.
You stain my lips red, and if anything,
Make me more enticing.
Dear pomegranate juice,
You lie.

A man jumped today.
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge.
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge,
& we pulled him out.
I am a firefighter, its my job to make situations okay.
I wonder what happens when I'm not okay?
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge
& I hoped it was you at first.
Your father shot himself in the chest.
He kept the birthday card I gave him,
In the drawer of his bedside table.
It broke the family and a piece of me.
My grandfather shot himself and it was terrible,
& I still hoped it was you.
I wonder how much hate you hold.
What does it take to call me worthless?
Last week a dad accidentally ran over his child.
I empathized with how the kid felt
& I wish you loved me sometimes.
*What have you done.

Trade jealousy,
Improve on loyalty,
Enrich death.

While your at it
Express opportunity,
Negotiate fear,
Share hurt,
And refine frailty.

Create a world of metaphors,
Surround your self in maybes,
And never live.

So here we stand at a road sign.
A million directions to go,
Some only slightly different from each other,
Some opposite extremes.
Staring down at us are a thousand people,
Each screaming which way to go,
Which way is right?
To your left stand a row of people,
All taking the test too.
Who will still end up with you?
Who will go a completely different way?
You walk it through,
Try to block out the noise,
The confusion of the people screaming your name.
Looking around you notice the other people.
Some are running through the course,
like they know exactly where there are going.
Some have given up.
Others still are walking like you.
You try to stay true to yourself,
Making moral, social and relationship decisions.
You follow the paths and make your choices.
And in the end you stop,
And look around to see who else has made it with you.
Not many,
No one with you,
Only a few around you.
You bow your head and as the first tear falls,
You notice a change in the voices emotion.
You open your eyes to see the disturbance,
And there walks a girl.
Straight across the course,
Paying no attention to any road sign.
She walks up to you and slips her hand in yours.
In your ear she whispers,
"My road sign had only one direction."

Have you seen her?
That raincloud girl?
Who’s father beat like thunder
With words that cut like lightning
Who’s sunshine mother warmed all
But never stopped the storm from coming.

Have you seen her?
That handmedown girl?
Passed from one family to another
With constant conflicting opinions
And a borrowed sense of conviction
That never quite fit her right.

Have you seen her?
That sad little girl?
Who grew up believing in faerie-tales
With faith in every misspoken sentence
Who waits on every text message
Despite the repeating heartbreaking goodbyes.

Have you seen her?
That copycat girl?
Who somehow never changes
With her fragile coat of innocence
Who looks like me in mirrors
But she will never be again.

They say to cut up the road
And not across the street.
But I was always a side to side person.
I liked playing the violin into my skin.
The tragedies outside me,
And the terror inside of me,
Creating symphonies of blood.
Sometimes I can still make out
The highs and lows on the breeze,
Notes playing as I dream.

Standing in a hair salon,
I run my fingers through your hair.
It matches mine.
"You are the cutest" the hairstylist raves.
Cold sweat, I awake.
A memory of mirrors.
Sleep is so much harder now.

The black man stalks my dreams again.
With his oil spill eyes
And venomous smile
He speaks in tounges
And bent up promises.

He jokes, Call me Cain.
Adam Judas Satan Jesus
Gabriel ******* Whale.
I call him the Whale
For he has swallowed me whole.

He is the flood
and I am swept away debris.
He calls me Seven
(That *******)
One for every sin I've mastered.

And I wondered if I was for a moment.
Then I realized that I know crazy.
Crazy doesn't question itself, its never wrong.
Crazy hides the towels, crazy screams for hours.
Crazy forgets conversations and ignores medical conditions.
Crazy gives its money to its girlfriend before its kids.
She makes more then our whole household
Crazy forgets the important things like promises.
Like groceries for a month or caring about other people.
Crazy wouldn't bow its head to a grandparent for soap.
Crazy wouldn't been seen begging friends for food.
Someone has to feed your daughter
Now next time you call me crazy please remember,
I am not crazy, but my god I've been raised by it.

Living with a partner who
Thinks they are fine
And refuses to get help
Is not an easy thing

Living with a partner who
I cannot diagnose
I am not a doctor
But they treat me like I am

You never know who
You are coming home to
Who he is with
Or who he will be

Why then do we
Always blame ourselves
And try to be better
When we were always
Good enough
To begin with.

I am tired she said.
I am tired of emergency room smell.
Of being unable to make plans.
Of my roommates in the waiting room
Because my friends couldn't be bothered to come.
They went to a *******.
I am tired she said.
Of the feeling of metal in my skin.
Of knowing I am somehow less
Then the girls that throw themselves around poles,
Clothes more revealing then my hospital gown.
I believed we would be equal at least.
Wheres the moment of hesitation.
Of compassion.
Did I really let myself be this girl?
The one who might not breath again
Whose closest friends might be her IV and her bracelet.
They never leave me.
This beep beep beep will lull me into sleep.

Welcome to the world,
the world of screaming, seething red.
Of angry fists and words,
Of passion love and hatred.
If not your favorite,
Remember red.
Its a hard color to hide.
Welcome to the sea,
the sea of calming, caring blue.
Of deep breaths and peace,
Of meditation and humility.
If not your favorite,
Keep hold of blue.
Its something we all need.
Welcome to the sun,
the rays of happiness, energetic yellow.
Of summer smiles and winter shine.
Of youth and age.
If not your favorite,
Strive for yellow,
Its something not everyone gets.
Welcome to the pulse,
The pulse of growing, grabbing green.
Of endless tomorrows and possibility,
Of energy, strength and force.
If not your favorite,
Remind yourself of green.
Its at your beginning and end.
If your favorite is not red yellow or blue,
Know that all colors stem from them.
With green all around you,
What a rainbow we have
Without even trying.

Rhythm. Light. Heat.
A stage-play of the gods,
The exhilaration of the show.
Fast paced magic.
Music.
The bass pounds in my ears,
Mixing with the beat of my heart.
Suspense.
A lone flute holds an impossible note,
High above the rest.
A pause.
The stage is set,
The mood is perfect.
Violence.
The sudden rush of notes,
The quickened tempo.
The beat of raw emotions,
The rhythm of our lives.
Adventure.
Testing the bounds,
The tough side of the beat.
Silence.
Music slowly rising,
The sad, deep sound of a cello.
Tearing at the heartstrings,
Every broken heart played before you.
Beauty.
The change of the sound.
The piano playing the sweetest notes,
Of every love song.
The world of sweet surrender.
Romance.
The descending volume of fading passion.
Peace.
The joy of gentle waking.
Smile, at the symphony of your life,
The music of your dreams.

Click.
A snapshot to remember me
When I leave.
Click. Click.
Two to remember us
As we used to be.
Click. Click. Click.
Three for what we said
In whispered conversations.
Click. Click. Click. Click.
Four for the squeal of the door
As I walked back in.
Click. Click. Click.
Three times for the phone receiver
Dropped as you saw my face.
Click. Click.
Two for the loaded gun
I held firm in place.
Click.
One for the trigger
I pulled.
Silence.
All that is left
After I'm gone.

I hate that feeling,
When you can't lift the barbell anymore.
Then your brother walks in to the gym,
Looking at me like I'm a foreign species.
But in his eyes I see you looking at me,
Tracing my skin, loving my corners,
And walking away.
Suddenly 12 reps doesn't seem like enough,
And I need to punch something.

Bench press me
Lift me up
Hold me close.
So that I
May feel that
I am important.

Set me down
Walk away to
The total gym.
I am simple
Far to simple
To keep you
Entertained, amused, Amazed.

Yet I find
I need you
I love you
You leave me.

I'm  not the kind of girl you say babe to.
Or the one you call beautiful
Or seek to entice.
I'm the one your curled up with in an airport,
Four days before.

I'm not the kind of girl you ask out and post on facebook.
Or worry about from miles away.
I am the hidden kind of girl,
Held in darkness,
But not with hands.

I'm not the kind of girl you move across a country for.
Or you dress up nice and take to parties.
I'm the fierce kind of girl
Who has your unwanted secret
Hidden beneath layers of flesh.

I'm not the kind of girl who doesn't notice your lies.
Or your eyes
Or your ways of showing me I'm not the kind of girl.
But I am the awful kind of girl
Who ignores it.

I am the kind of girl who will share your bed,
And do your laundry.
Agree we are together but always wonder
Why together feels so much lonelier
Then I remember.

Her whispers are shadows that dance cross your wall,
Her window-glass eyes take in nothing at all.
Her sweet smile deceives while her strong hands they shake,
A shallow personality she doesn't have to fake.

No anger for blinders no joy to relieve,
The sway of her hips leave no need to believe.
A life like a snowflake is all she can take,
Fake make fake.

You let her go now she dances alone,
Her face and her heart have withered to stone.
Addictions her mistress, feelings her need,
Sign scattered memories you payed no head.

I am tired, she said.
And with her head held low
I believed her.
I'm tired of tests
Of medication.
I'm tired of stress
Of loneliness.
I'm tired of being the strong one.
My will is weak
And I'm so tired.
I'm tired of being so angry
Of being sad
Of being anything at all.
And I wish the mirror would lie
But she is tired
And I am so tired.

I cant do this anymore
I dont know how not to love you.
Even your highs taste of sadness,
Like the strings of a cello
Who has played you this way?
You were meant to be a piano.

Can you hear the notes?
That sad and bass sound beating.
I am the cello, your a piano
Use the rest of your keys.
I wont have you become me.

Through the wood and under the hill
Seek the man who time can't ****
A silver crown upon his brow
All the fair to him shall bow

Clothed in stars and faerie dreams
A stolen girl shall be his queen
The dance will steal away her fear
A single fruit will seal her here

A tithe of love or tithe of blood
Bind this court within the mud
A king must know just what to do
Strike her hard or strike her true

A dark game no mortal ever spies
Bright and dark the fair court lies
Time runs different here I know
Once inside I'll never go

Home again to my husband fair
Beneath the marble hill I dare
I am clothed in stars and dreams
I will be the bright courts queen.

Dance he sings and dance he calls,
I am down, he never falls.
Here he sings, taste this wine,
Thou shalt be forever mine.

I am lost and I am found,
Here beneath the faerie mound.
I will live or I will drown
Blood will coat my death born mound.

A sacrifice will be my end,
Ill watch the world begin again.
Back upon my hunt for him
I will live a lost writ hymn.

One more moment of whispered silence,
One more handhold, squeeze, release.
One more thought to unplanned failure,
One more tear from you to me.

One more step to clear the doorway,
One more goodbye, tears, we're free.
One more drink to ease to sorrow,
One more motel room door-key.

One more pill to fill the emptiness,
One more wrist slit, bleed, relief.
One more mourner on my grave mound,
One more thing I don't believe.

I am beginning to lose my words.
I couldn't pronounce democracy,
I cant remember the word for objects,
I forget what some things mean.
Years ago I was the english class favorite.
I was an actor, a singer a speech maker,
I read presentations for the school-board.
Now I am having trouble reading, period.
I am beginning to lose my coordination.
My hands just wont do as I say,
Sometimes they break into tremors,
I drop things if I don't take precautions,
I can't use scissors without it looking dumb.
I am beginning to lose my focus.
Things just don't fit together anymore.
Its not that I'm not trying I swear,
I'm just becoming so, so slow.
But I'm not slow enough not to notice,
That I am terrified.

I am the girl who stood amid the wasteland.
Who stood atop broken piles of dreams and faith,
Who screamed loudly "I AM HERE."
I am the girl who nobody really understands.
Who crys for a man-child half way across the country,
Who whispers quietly "I love you most."
I am the girl who fought the biggest monsters.
Who told her father he will never see the kids again,
Who gets kicked out for calling him on his anger.
I am the girl who hates life.
Who has hated everybody for five years running,
Who loved a person who couldn't care.
I am the girl who could never stay awake.
Who wakes up screaming out words at 2 am,
Who cries herself to restless sleep.
I am the girl who follows the old ways.
Who wishes she could cuddle one person,
Who wants nothing more then that.
I am the girl who never gets what she wants
but
I am the girl who will smile anyway.

 *I hope this will work out unbelievably, somehow. Please.

I am hungry, yes, but not for lack of food.
I hunger for hellos and conversations,
"I love you's" and angry confrontations.
I hunger for your voice, your taste, your touch.
I am tired, yes, but not for lack of sleep.
I tire of lonlessness and an empty bed,
"I miss you's" and things unsaid.
I tire of loss and sadness and distance.
I am bored, yes, but not for lack of entertainment.
I bore of silence and standing still,
"I wish you's" and maybe we wills.
I bore of people and places and things.
I understand your feelings boy,
More then I care to admit.

One, two, three, four,
I can't take these words anymore,
And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for.

And you, you called me all the names,
I'm a ***** its a game,
And you ended it before, before it became,
Became what I wanted what I needed
And I'm shamed.
Shamed that I cared,
Shamed that I groveled,
Shamed I was scared.
And I let you walk over me,
Me. The scarred queen bee,
I offered you my heart and gave you the key
And you played me.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

And they say,
Beer before liquor never sicker,
But I beg to differ,
Because the words that you say nauseate,
And if I could I would recreate
That feeling.
But words, words,
They just don't come out,
Sitting here in silence when I want to shout.
The things that I say get so twisted and abused,
Maybe forgotten is better then used.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

I gave you my heart
And you tore it apart,
And I know I should have saw it,
Should have stopped it,
Should have dropped it,
But you can't blame a girl for her fantasy.
In a world where they want to throw her down,
down,
face up on the ground,
Broken dreams and beliefs
Lying all around,
And I can't see the stars anymore.

And maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for.
Not anymore.

My mother was always good,
At making something from nothing.
She could pull a meal from an empty cupboard,
Like Houdini's greatest trick.

She could find money when we had none,
A present for a birthday party,
Socks mended like new when needed,
A family from a disaster.

When I was older I quickly understood things,
That people make nothing from something.
But its not the same nothing,
That I felt.

Now standing in the kitchen of my home,
I wish I had my mothers Houdini hands.
Because the cupboards are bare,
And the children are so hungry.

I dreamed that I visited an old loved flame.
I couldn't for the life of me remember his name.
He had a turbo shell, I still don't understand that bit.
I curled up there hoping and wishing that our pieces fit.
What a disaster, you screamed at me through an open window,
Nobody can ever go home again, you said, I know.
I guess this means I miss you.

Home she said, what a bitter word,
A deficient meaning, frequently transferred.
Home is where the heart is, where you reside,
Let me kick you out, no longer inside.
Run little lion man, fast and swift.
Your perception of us may it shift.
Run, run faster.
Or stand up finally, end this disaster.
Please.

Suspended animation
I am
The second before a kiss
The calm in the storm
The moment of silence
After lightning hits.
My heart beats loudly,
In my frail chest
I float away

You can't forget dear that the world will keep turning.

From some things you can't run,
Hold it together, and watch it come undone.
The pieces won't fit and you'll run out of glue,
You will lose what makes you you.

So pretend that you know and put on a smile,
Sickle sweet words for this mundane trial.
Who you are matters less then what you portray,
Pick a truth and listen to what it will say.

Love stand yourself up and swear this one will count,
Just more **** to surmount.
Never show them the strings coming undone,
Nobody want's to see a rerun.

No matter how much fire I place in my veins
It will not burn you out

I wish I could weave stories like magic,
I would spin tales to captivate you and entice you.
I wish I was so beautiful it hurt,
I would take you breath away and run.
I wish I was so ******* enticing,
I would make you look forward to my every word.
I wish I could be your favorite place,
I would hold my head up with dignity and pride.
I wish I was so something, could be something,
I would break down houses in my joy.
But I am just a silly girl with a big heart,
Who will try again tomorrow.
But tonight I will walk across the entirety of this town again,
This time without shoes.
To remind me of the feeling of your cold cold words.

I would have loved you.
I would have loved you for every tear,
Every smile,
Every bruise, fight, anger and laughter,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every moment,
Every minute,
Every year, month, week and day,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every dream,
Every color,
Every wish, hope, shape, and size,
I would have loved you.

If only fate worked in conceivable ways,
You would have loved me, too.

I know the world has not been fair to you.
Despite how many people try to get you through,
This war we call a revolution.

Even if this is only single custody,
You can always, always count on me,
I will make you a better way.

You are my brighter day

A small child screams and they all turn round,
Captive attention for a simple frown.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.

Stifled screams mixed with broken glass,
Everybody wondered, but nobody asked.
Standing in the middle of this everyday,
He's finally decided they can have it their way.

Six feet of rope and the words cut deep,
Whoever you are you don't wanna be me.
Lost in a world where nobody cares,
***** this life its to hard to bear.

Black shoes dangling from an open closet,
Trouble at home and hes finally lost it.
Headlines screaming of hate and rage,
Nobody's found him for thirteen days.

Finally at peace with the graveyards silence,
A welcomed break from the former violence.
The preachers preaching of what went wrong,
And heavens singing the get lost song.

Over a thousand kids have all given up,
Problems with society , enough is enough.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.

Happy birthday to me,
I wish that sounded less lonely.
Its my birthday you know,
Would it **** you to say hello?
My poetry ***** now.
****.

My hand shake.
They tremble,
As I try to grasp this bowl
This glass.

I cant control it.
Id stop,
To keep your anger contained
Off your face.

Its disappointing.
I know,
I've been told it before
Trust me.

I'm sorry.
I'm incomplete,
I wasn't ever given a choice
At all.

Everybody lies.
Except me,
What a terrible choice
This honesty.

My body.
Even now,
It cannot keep its **** together
How sad.

I wont miss the feeling of helplessness,
Wactching you run away from yourself,
And snap back like a too tight rubber band.
I wont miss the look of anger at me,
For not being able to make the world perfect,
Or for forcing you to think for a moment.
I wont miss the heavy cloud of fustration,
You can't just set up camp in unhappiness,
Thats not home man, keep walking.
I wont miss the sharp pins of sadness,
I cant help you if you think your fine,
I cant watch you tear yourself to peices.
I wont miss the comments designed to maim,
Or the attempts to make me suffer for my feelings,
But my friend ... I will miss you.

I cant quite find the words to
describe your eyes
Or the turbulent storms
inside that you don't hide.
There's hostility thick in the air here.
I bet this silence is worth note
Shoving things in your coat
while I sit on the couch
And I don't mind leaving here today.
Run with me. Far and fast.
To the place where fragility
might maybe last.
Get back.
I cant stand your *******
mirror eyes.
They don't hide the lies or
hope to give rise
To anything.
I just see the broken pieces.

There's not a whole lot you can do about time.
It comes and it goes, ebbs and it flows,
And freedom of choice can't save you from consequence.
Like time everything is clear in reflection.
Life gives you tests then you learn the lesson.
If I could change this I would.
I would go back and pick my sisters up from the ashes,
Save them from the fire I didn't mean to start.
I would mend the hearts that I've broken,
And forgive those who couldn't help but break mine.
I would still take the path less traveled,
And learn to avoid the barbed-wire fences.
But mostly I would save you, and her, and them,
So you would all smile again,
Like we did when we were young.

Somehow you have managed to put the pieces back together,
Just to rip them apart again.
Should I feel honored that you chose a different way this time?

I can see the difference here, her and I.
Shall I list you the ways that matter?
What breaks me into repairable pieces?

I am not one for these dramatics, this is way too cinematic.
You don't even know me anymore.
I wish I could forget wanting to be loved.

I wonder if everythings not doomed.

Why?
Why inside your constant world of upheaval did you place me
Why did you love me, hold me, make me believe again
I didn't want to believe again.
The world is so much easier when you have no heart or soul.
Why do you treat me like a yo-yo, a catalyst
A here today gone tomorrow but back again the day after.
You don’t want to know me, but you love me.
I hang on every word, every copper coated memory
And I dream of tomorrow with nothing but laughter
But still between the lines you give me pain

And I love you regardless

Last night I dreamt of ticking time bombs
I awoke with your name on my lips.

Sweetheart I say
Romance is a dead art
CPR can only sustain us for so long.

I'm going to listen to the masters play

Sometimes
I want to scrub the sin off my skin
And let my blood wash itself clean
Cycling through this unholy water
I've lowered my body in

Sometimes
I want to care much less for myself
And watch cities burn black
Swim through the hot embers
Clean myself with ash

Sometimes
I want to dissolve away again
And ride away on the wind
Steal breaths with force
And free myself with gusts

Sometimes
I want to bury myself deep
And drag down others
Who yearn for sunlight
And live with myself in silence

Today I will love.
And be kicked in the face again.
Today I will cry.
And feel like this will never end.
Today I will have my heart broken.
Like I always seem to do.
Today I will care.
And learn once again why its best not to.
Today I will pretend.
To save what I have left.
Today I will die a little.
To prove I can.
Today, is just another day.
Its not going to save me,
Its not going to be perfect.
Its just going to be another day.
Forgotten, like all the rest.

Why do humans die so very easily,
They flicker out.

When I say listen
They all think netflix
I don't mean stories.

The room is empty as I lay here,
Alone in my own embrace.
Moments ago you held me,
Now we've gone our separate ways.
To get me through the times apart,
With a smile plastered to my face.
I think of your picture in my heart,
The smile that makes my heart race.
I'm thinking of you,
Thinking of me,
Everything we are,
And everything we will be,
Love.