A man jumped today.
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge.
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge,
& we pulled him out.
I am a firefighter, its my job to make situations okay.
I wonder what happens when I'm not okay?
A man jumped today off the railroad bridge
& I hoped it was you at first.
Your father shot himself in the chest.
He kept the birthday card I gave him,
In the drawer of his bedside table.
It broke the family and a piece of me.
My grandfather shot himself and it was terrible,
& I still hoped it was you.
I wonder how much hate you hold.
What does it take to call me worthless?
Last week a dad accidentally ran over his child.
I empathized with how the kid felt
& I wish you loved me sometimes.
*What have you done.

I am the girl who stood amid the wasteland.
Who stood atop broken piles of dreams and faith,
Who screamed loudly "I AM HERE."
I am the girl who nobody really understands.
Who crys for a man-child half way across the country,
Who whispers quietly "I love you most."
I am the girl who fought the biggest monsters.
Who told her father he will never see the kids again,
Who gets kicked out for calling him on his anger.
I am the girl who hates life.
Who has hated everybody for five years running,
Who loved a person who couldn't care.
I am the girl who could never stay awake.
Who wakes up screaming out words at 2 am,
Who cries herself to restless sleep.
I am the girl who follows the old ways.
Who wishes she could cuddle one person,
Who wants nothing more then that.
I am the girl who never gets what she wants
but
I am the girl who will smile anyway.

 *I hope this will work out unbelievably, somehow. Please.

There's not a whole lot you can do about time.
It comes and it goes, ebbs and it flows,
And freedom of choice can't save you from consequence.
Like time everything is clear in reflection.
Life gives you tests then you learn the lesson.
If I could change this I would.
I would go back and pick my sisters up from the ashes,
Save them from the fire I didn't mean to start.
I would mend the hearts that I've broken,
And forgive those who couldn't help but break mine.
I would still take the path less traveled,
And learn to avoid the barbed-wire fences.
But mostly I would save you, and her, and them,
So you would all smile again,
Like we did when we were young.

One, two, three, four,
I can't take these words anymore,
And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for.

And you, you called me all the names,
I'm a ***** its a game,
And you ended it before, before it became,
Became what I wanted what I needed
And I'm shamed.
Shamed that I cared,
Shamed that I groveled,
Shamed I was scared.
And I let you walk over me,
Me. The scarred queen bee,
I offered you my heart and gave you the key
And you played me.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
If I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

And they say,
Beer before liquor never sicker,
But I beg to differ,
Because the words that you say nauseate,
And if I could I would recreate
That feeling.
But words, words,
They just don't come out,
Sitting here in silence when I want to shout.
The things that I say get so twisted and abused,
Maybe forgotten is better then used.

And maybe, maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

I gave you my heart
And you tore it apart,
And I know I should have saw it,
Should have stopped it,
Should have dropped it,
But you can't blame a girl for her fantasy.
In a world where they want to throw her down,
down,
face up on the ground,
Broken dreams and beliefs
Lying all around,
And I can't see the stars anymore.

And maybe you were right,
And I can't win this fight,
When I don't know what I'm fighting for.
Not anymore.

I hate that feeling,
When you can't lift the barbell anymore.
Then your brother walks in to the gym,
Looking at me like I'm a foreign species.
But in his eyes I see you looking at me,
Tracing my skin, loving my corners,
And walking away.
Suddenly 12 reps doesn't seem like enough,
And I need to punch something.

My mother was always good,
At making something from nothing.
She could pull a meal from an empty cupboard,
Like Houdini's greatest trick.

She could find money when we had none,
A present for a birthday party,
Socks mended like new when needed,
A family from a disaster.

When I was older I quickly understood things,
That people make nothing from something.
But its not the same nothing,
That I felt.

Now standing in the kitchen of my home,
I wish I had my mothers Houdini hands.
Because the cupboards are bare,
And the children are so hungry.

Welcome to the world,
the world of screaming, seething red.
Of angry fists and words,
Of passion love and hatred.
If not your favorite,
Remember red.
Its a hard color to hide.
Welcome to the sea,
the sea of calming, caring blue.
Of deep breaths and peace,
Of meditation and humility.
If not your favorite,
Keep hold of blue.
Its something we all need.
Welcome to the sun,
the rays of happiness, energetic yellow.
Of summer smiles and winter shine.
Of youth and age.
If not your favorite,
Strive for yellow,
Its something not everyone gets.
Welcome to the pulse,
The pulse of growing, grabbing green.
Of endless tomorrows and possibility,
Of energy, strength and force.
If not your favorite,
Remind yourself of green.
Its at your beginning and end.
If your favorite is not red yellow or blue,
Know that all colors stem from them.
With green all around you,
What a rainbow we have
Without even trying.

I am tired, she said.
And with her head held low
I believed her.
I'm tired of tests
Of medication.
I'm tired of stress
Of loneliness.
I'm tired of being the strong one.
My will is weak
And I'm so tired.
I'm tired of being so angry
Of being sad
Of being anything at all.
And I wish the mirror would lie
But she is tired
And I am so tired.

Have you seen her?
That raincloud girl?
Who’s father beat like thunder
With words that cut like lightning
Who’s sunshine mother warmed all
But never stopped the storm from coming.

Have you seen her?
That handmedown girl?
Passed from one family to another
With constant conflicting opinions
And a borrowed sense of conviction
That never quite fit her right.

Have you seen her?
That sad little girl?
Who grew up believing in faerie-tales
With faith in every misspoken sentence
Who waits on every text message
Despite the repeating heartbreaking goodbyes.

Have you seen her?
That copycat girl?
Who somehow never changes
With her fragile coat of innocence
Who looks like me in mirrors
But she will never be again.

Trade jealousy,
Improve on loyalty,
Enrich death.

While your at it
Express opportunity,
Negotiate fear,
Share hurt,
And refine frailty.

Create a world of metaphors,
Surround your self in maybes,
And never live.

You can't forget dear that the world will keep turning.

From some things you can't run,
Hold it together, and watch it come undone.
The pieces won't fit and you'll run out of glue,
You will lose what makes you you.

So pretend that you know and put on a smile,
Sickle sweet words for this mundane trial.
Who you are matters less then what you portray,
Pick a truth and listen to what it will say.

Love stand yourself up and swear this one will count,
Just more **** to surmount.
Never show them the strings coming undone,
Nobody want's to see a rerun.

One more moment of whispered silence,
One more handhold, squeeze, release.
One more thought to unplanned failure,
One more tear from you to me.

One more step to clear the doorway,
One more goodbye, tears, we're free.
One more drink to ease to sorrow,
One more motel room door-key.

One more pill to fill the emptiness,
One more wrist slit, bleed, relief.
One more mourner on my grave mound,
One more thing I don't believe.

Bench press me
Lift me up
Hold me close.
So that I
May feel that
I am important.

Set me down
Walk away to
The total gym.
I am simple
Far to simple
To keep you
Entertained, amused, Amazed.

Yet I find
I need you
I love you
You leave me.

Dear pomegranate,
How much of your bitter, bitter juice must I drink,
To prevent the free radicals from entering my bloodstream,
And ******* up my system.
Like water, I drink you,
Still that free radical looks my way.
You stain my lips red, and if anything,
Make me more enticing.
Dear pomegranate juice,
You lie.

Her whispers are shadows that dance cross your wall,
Her window-glass eyes take in nothing at all.
Her sweet smile deceives while her strong hands they shake,
A shallow personality she doesn't have to fake.

No anger for blinders no joy to relieve,
The sway of her hips leave no need to believe.
A life like a snowflake is all she can take,
Fake make fake.

You let her go now she dances alone,
Her face and her heart have withered to stone.
Addictions her mistress, feelings her need,
Sign scattered memories you payed no head.

I would have loved you.
I would have loved you for every tear,
Every smile,
Every bruise, fight, anger and laughter,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every moment,
Every minute,
Every year, month, week and day,
I would have loved you.

I would have loved you for every dream,
Every color,
Every wish, hope, shape, and size,
I would have loved you.

If only fate worked in conceivable ways,
You would have loved me, too.

Destruction,
Like a wild storm she rages,
Free, unlike us locked up in cages,
We don't even know what her name is.
But to be her,
We would have to give away what we worked for,
And cried for,
And gave away our pride for.
Damnation,
Shes fleet on her feet,
And should you have the chance to meet,
Quick, grab her.

The room is empty as I lay here,
Alone in my own embrace.
Moments ago you held me,
Now we've gone our separate ways.
To get me through the times apart,
With a smile plastered to my face.
I think of your picture in my heart,
The smile that makes my heart race.
I'm thinking of you,
Thinking of me,
Everything we are,
And everything we will be,
Love.

So here we stand at a road sign.
A million directions to go,
Some only slightly different from each other,
Some opposite extremes.
Staring down at us are a thousand people,
Each screaming which way to go,
Which way is right?
To your left stand a row of people,
All taking the test too.
Who will still end up with you?
Who will go a completely different way?
You walk it through,
Try to block out the noise,
The confusion of the people screaming your name.
Looking around you notice the other people.
Some are running through the course,
like they know exactly where there are going.
Some have given up.
Others still are walking like you.
You try to stay true to yourself,
Making moral, social and relationship decisions.
You follow the paths and make your choices.
And in the end you stop,
And look around to see who else has made it with you.
Not many,
No one with you,
Only a few around you.
You bow your head and as the first tear falls,
You notice a change in the voices emotion.
You open your eyes to see the disturbance,
And there walks a girl.
Straight across the course,
Paying no attention to any road sign.
She walks up to you and slips her hand in yours.
In your ear she whispers,
"My road sign had only one direction."

Today I will love.
And be kicked in the face again.
Today I will cry.
And feel like this will never end.
Today I will have my heart broken.
Like I always seem to do.
Today I will care.
And learn once again why its best not to.
Today I will pretend.
To save what I have left.
Today I will die a little.
To prove I can.
Today, is just another day.
Its not going to save me,
Its not going to be perfect.
Its just going to be another day.
Forgotten, like all the rest.

Click.
A snapshot to remember me
When I leave.
Click. Click.
Two to remember us
As we used to be.
Click. Click. Click.
Three for what we said
In whispered conversations.
Click. Click. Click. Click.
Four for the squeal of the door
As I walked back in.
Click. Click. Click.
Three times for the phone receiver
Dropped as you saw my face.
Click. Click.
Two for the loaded gun
I held firm in place.
Click.
One for the trigger
I pulled.
Silence.
All that is left
After I'm gone.

Rhythm. Light. Heat.
A stage-play of the gods,
The exhilaration of the show.
Fast paced magic.
Music.
The bass pounds in my ears,
Mixing with the beat of my heart.
Suspense.
A lone flute holds an impossible note,
High above the rest.
A pause.
The stage is set,
The mood is perfect.
Violence.
The sudden rush of notes,
The quickened tempo.
The beat of raw emotions,
The rhythm of our lives.
Adventure.
Testing the bounds,
The tough side of the beat.
Silence.
Music slowly rising,
The sad, deep sound of a cello.
Tearing at the heartstrings,
Every broken heart played before you.
Beauty.
The change of the sound.
The piano playing the sweetest notes,
Of every love song.
The world of sweet surrender.
Romance.
The descending volume of fading passion.
Peace.
The joy of gentle waking.
Smile, at the symphony of your life,
The music of your dreams.

A small child screams and they all turn round,
Captive attention for a simple frown.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.

Stifled screams mixed with broken glass,
Everybody wondered, but nobody asked.
Standing in the middle of this everyday,
He's finally decided they can have it their way.

Six feet of rope and the words cut deep,
Whoever you are you don't wanna be me.
Lost in a world where nobody cares,
***** this life its to hard to bear.

Black shoes dangling from an open closet,
Trouble at home and hes finally lost it.
Headlines screaming of hate and rage,
Nobody's found him for thirteen days.

Finally at peace with the graveyards silence,
A welcomed break from the former violence.
The preachers preaching of what went wrong,
And heavens singing the get lost song.

Over a thousand kids have all given up,
Problems with society , enough is enough.
A teenager bleeds and nobody sees,
I think its time to pay attention to me.

Should I just close my eyes?
And pretend,
Pretend like everything is okay,
Everything is all right.
Walk past the places,
Forget the faces,
Conversations meant only for T.V. shows.
Burning bridges as I go,
Dust in the wind,
Corner to Corner,
Roads I'll never walk again.
Lies I never doubted,
Truths I cant pretend,
Must I begin again.