no one wants to be
the seats at the
front of the movie theater
where you only sit
if all the other seats are taken

no one wants to be
late night television
which you only flip to
cause it's better than
infomercials on QVC

no one wants to be
that t-shirt at the bottom
of the drawer, that you
only wear because all
your other clothes are *****

no one wants to be
wanted at three AM
when you're bored
and lonely cause everyone
else is asleep

no one wants to be
used.

I break my back again;
a gymnast I never was,
scoring a 6.5, never a perfect ten,
putting myself through hell because
being flexible for your needs
has always been at the top of my priorities.

but you never were a chiropractor
and my desires were never
even considered as a factor
when you chose your next endeavor

so I just keep bending backwards for you,
nearing my demise
as the life drains from my eyes
and my face turns a deep shade of blue.

Darkness never was my friend

At age five
It was a monster
A monster that
Could eat me alive
If momma forgot
To turn on my night light

At age ten
It was a reminder
A reminder that it
Was time to head home
And get ready for bed
The fun was over

At age sixteen
It was a cloak
A cloak that
Hid me from the reality of my choices
As I took another hit

At age seventeen
It was a reason
A reason to get wasted again
Cause what better to do than drink your sorrows away
In a small town once the sun's gone down

And now,
At age nineteen
It still haunts me:

The monsters sleep under
My bed cause momma doesn't turn
On the night light from 11 towns away

The reminders of all the
Things I should've done today but didnt
Compile themselves in long to-do lists for tomorrow

The cloak lets me hide from the outside
And obsess over all the things
I told myself I didn't care about in the light

And the reasons to get wasted
Are more abundant than ever
Making it more of a necessity
To escape the pressures building up all day

Darkness never was my friend.

I deliberate
You reiterate
It completely exhilarates
Me.
You eviscerate
My heart
From my chest
Like a secret art.
Before I know it
I'm exposed
Nothing left disclosed,
Nothing left to hide
And then you
Roll away, like the tide
Leaving me ashore
With nothing more
Than an empty
Chest cavity,
An abnormality.

As I stand there
In despair
you drift away
To another land
Where another girl
Will just as easily
Give you her hand,
Without knowing
That she'll never withstand
Your ever rolling tides.
And that she'll never be able
To get rid of the pain that subsides
Once you've stripped her
Down like you did I.

I'd cry
But I don't have a heart
To even really feel this goodbye.

this might not make any sense,
but when does our subconscious ever?

we were young. maybe like 13,
and you had these amazing eyes, that just looked into mine and knew everything about me and understood every fiber of my being.

we were at a pool party type thing.

but when all this was happening it seemed like it was just the two of us.

you were dragging me down under water, down down down

but you were staring into my eyes and smiling, and i felt safe.
you wouldn't let me drown

we were trying to find something, well i felt like we were trying to find something, but you were just looking at me. looking into my eyes without a care in the world.

we kept swimming deeper and deeper and i was thinking we were getting pretty deep and should be running out of air,

and i was at the bottom of the pool, still looking for something and you swam away
and pulled two other girls under water but just barely,
not as deep as you dragged me,
and they resurfaced in minutes

for a second i thought you would leave me down there,
but you didn't, you came back just as i was thinking i was really running out of air, but you grabbed my hand and the loss of air didn't seem like a problem anymore.

and you stared into my eyes with those smiling eyes and my eyes were smiling back and deep down i was scared i would drown, but you still hadn't a care in the world. so neither did i

you were pulling me up, up, up
and finally we broke the surface and i gasped for air
and i realized just how out of breath i was

and i was hyperventilating, taking in the air, realizing how close i really was to drowning
and you asked me,
you never came up for air?

and i dont know exactly what i said,
if i said anything,
but it was something like
i was waiting for you to come back for me.

The scar on my thumb,
The one left from
That broken
Dragon figurine
Whose sharp edge
Nearly sliced off
My finger;
Ya know,
The demon face thing
I swore had
Bad karma
But slipped in
my pocket
And brought home
From the party anyway?
Well it stares
At me every night
With its menacing eyes
And taunting smile,
And reminds me
Of the night
That my fingerprint
Was changed,
As was
Our history.
Forbidden kisses
Under my sheets
Cause it won't matter
tomorrow, right?

Well I've been
picking at the scab
Every time
I think of you
and yet,
It's still healing.

Wish I could
Say the same
For my sanity.

Maybe in another place
You're the one
Pining to see My face

Maybe in another time
You're the one
Attempting to write a rhyme

Maybe in another circumstance
You're the one
Wishing to catch my glance

Or maybe, just maybe,
In another place
I'm waking up
In your embrace

Maybe in this other time
We're together
And doing better than fine

Maybe in that circumstance
You weren't such a *****
And actually took a chance

But all these maybes
only exist in my mind
and in this universe
you're still blind.

*******.