the more i open up to love
the more i remember
why i do not allow myself its folly:
what they have had
and what they shall want,
i have never been privy to
and i can not give,

for my hubris is
to feel love and to want to give it
but not be fortunate enough
to make one reciprocate;
i was broken before.
or i would argue
i was made to break.

i love you,
but it is the worst that i can do—
to burden you with yearning,
my love is nothing but pesteration.
you deserve the world,
and even more of it;

i apologize for my frailty,
but if the day comes
that i find myself worthy to love:
i hope you accept
this gift and cherish it;
i seek of nothing in return.

yet, in the end,
i could only hide
the myriad of things
i want to say
in words, haphazardly,
and hope you see

what it was
that i had to tell.

interesting to see
how i grew up and came to be;
what i wrote, how i spoke.
no one euphemism fits
yet i shall try to describe:

like a reptile that shed its skin and kept it,
like a keepsake, which at one time was cherished
but now left to weather by the windowsill.
like seeing the scars
from the wounds you know you dealt yourself,
ones you still call beautiful despite all the horror.

it's the closest to seeing how angsty and in your head you were,
how you felt everything, even the nothing,
how you so desperately wanted to crawl out of your skin,
and you still sometimes do.
you read those words and feel like
those words were never yours.
but they are.

at least now you know you've changed;
not where you wanted to be,
but farther than where you once were;
and that, i think, is beautiful.

what transpires here
are things that have just arrived;
none of them kept baggage,
or maybe some.

might i be given
the benefit of the doubt?
why must i still hear
the very same demons?

saying too much
or too little;
or both,
different on each ear;

why must the dark
feel like soothe,
when those who i call home
fear it?

maybe time will yield,
and to good things, tell;
what there is to triumph,
what stars are there to align.

I guess, it's selfish:
Not going back where it first began.

So I shoot blindly, in the dark,
Hoping that anyone would remember.

I have never been complete,
But i feel like a part of home is here.

06/08/17

Red ribbons.
Such as my thread of fate is malleable,
They toy with it.
Twist and bend and cut.
To their desire;
Without consideration of me;
Or what I would feel
To them, I am obsolete.
To truth, I am obsolete.
I cannot be saved.
I have accepted that fact.
All that's left of me is to suffer.
Good riddance.

What they are is unbeknownst to me.
What I am is unbeknownst to them.
They do not see the sadness behind the smiles.
They do not see the broken soul inside.
And I ponder if it is for the best.

"What makes you think I'm so special?"

If I would sail the stars,
I'll take you with me.
If I could get the world's fortune,
I'd give it to you, too.
Too bad

all i can do is write,
words that tell how ugly truth can be,
or so i choose to think;

all i was asking for,
was another soul to see;
but i guess it was otherwise;

now it's clear,
it was never friendship,
but rather obligation;

pity that eats from the inside,
a guilt that never tires;
a guilt that you don't deserve;

it's hopeless praying to the stars:
they might shine even if they're dead,
how would it reach the heavens?

is it my selfish cause,
to ask for one broken to stay,
even if it cries to leave?

is it my cowardice,
to think that there's no way;
but the easy way out?

maybe the angels are deaf,
or better yet, blind;
unless the light shines, it's nonexistent;

how i wish the ground would swallow me,
but i'm guessing,
even the ground would gag on my choices.

Come, little light,
Shine your brightest.
Come, little light,
Go and do your best.

Yonder, little light;
The future you aim to reach,
The vibrance of your days,
The radiance that you preach.

Yet you fret, little light,
For the darkness that covers thee,
Yet you see, little light,
How the darkness swallows me;

You hurt, little light,
You flicker and whimper
Until you shine;
Shine dead.

Be brave, little light,
Shine in the midst of oblivion;
Yet be one wise,
Don't venture the darkness alone;

The light of many,
Illuminates south pole north;
Yet never drown,
In the light of the crowd.

Come, little light,
Never be afraid;
Flicker, but not burn out,
In the strife that reality brings about.

You look into my eyes
and I allow;
Although I know through it
you look at yours;
I'm nothing but an object:
Something to get what you want.
Never the one desired.
At a loss for words,
Beaten up by distractions.
I'm tired but I can't yield;
The world never cared
for unannounced rejects
like me.
The only way I can escape
is to die.
And I can't change my mind.
I'm sorry.

I've always been lost:
In my thoughts, in actions;
So it seems, a wanderer I've been.

I've strayed no matter what be the cost,
No matter what I face, endless prosecutions;
More than meets the eye, I've seen.

A conflagration in frost,
Nothing more than a raging vexation,
Of the extreme, nowhere in between;

The words I've used, I've disgraced,
Of no form, of no beauty,
Such of that my carelessness;

Such of the wrist vandalised, razed;
As for the love turned pity;
Such for resolves, spineless;

As of the words, played,
As the truth grow vague yet dainty;
This is to the reality I digress.

The irony of the doubt
Of the one that came out of my mouth

Is that this head won't make flowers out of words
Or gardens out of stanzas;

That when these hands write or type
None would be so quite the hype,

That words would be just words:
They are, yes, but the irony is that it still hurts;

When I said I can't make more out of a word,
My head sabotaged me, albeit absurd:

I made flowers out of words
But, out of nowhere, it'd hurt me:

For the thorns of the rose I plucked,
From the garden I thrashed, crocked,

To the truth that the one I plucked the rose for
Would do none but to abhor;

Now I cry, knowing,
What the irony of the doubt would sing;

How I'm bound to fool myself with words,
And hurt by them, soon after;

How this heart would endlessly flutter
Over love that is destined to falter.

In the sea I dived in,
I feel so little;
Compared to the other fish,
Grand, and loved:
I stand in a position far from them.
The currents wash me out;
I swim a death wish.
I mistook the ocean for a sea.

I wish you could know how much I regret who I became.
Not because I'm fazed by the good sides; it's for what I want:
I want to belong.
Not a very warm thing to say but, it's what's been missing. I think.
I wish I can drown what I should've.
I wish I can be someone's best friend.
I wish I had someone to openly talk about everything.
I wish I had the heart to say no.
I wish I had courage to tell everything I feel.
Not like this.
I wish I wasn't this ******* weak.
I wish I fought when I wasn't able to.
I wish I can stop hurting myself.
I wish someone was here for me.

And although there may be people like that,
I wish I'd feel they're here.

I wish I can be okay.
But I'm not.
And I've learned I never will be.
But knowing is different from accepting.

Here it is, I'll try to write,
This blocking thought I'll try to fight;
So ****** up yet not of spite,
I'll try, even if I'm scared it won't go right.

It's been a while since I had to write;
Words that may be lies; words that may be right;
It's been a while since I let it out,
Emotions not of joy and not of spite.

—

I'm sorry:
To the words I don't give justice to;
To the words painted meaningful

*But end up lackluster.

You are a star:
Shining bright in the darkness;

You are a star:
Your brilliance astounds me;

You are a star:
In this pitch-black room, you light me up;

You are a star:
*Out of my reach.

I might **** up again.

I want to know if you still remember me;

...

I might ***** up again.

I want to know if you still care;

...

I might cease,

I want to know if I still matter;

...

But in the first place,

I meant nothing, haven't I?

Everyone expects a clear explanation
Just cause they don't see the scars
Nor the pain that burns in my throat
Or how bitter everything tastes in my mouth

Everyone thinks I make it up
Just cause I can stand
I wish I could just lay down and give up
But I won't, because you still won't believe.

Everyone thinks I am a liar
But if I drank the whole bottle
How would you feel?
If I fell limp and lifeless?

Everyone says my words are empty
Just cause they can't carry the weights
Why pretend to care?
What gain will you have from it?

Everyone says I'm wrong.
But none of them know I know.
Everyone wants to knock some sense into me.
But none of them know I have more of it than them.

Everyone thinks of me differently now
Everyone thinks of me, deranged;
Everyone thinks so since I continue to live;
I wonder if I grew languid.

Everyone has their words to say.
Everyone has their censures to tell.
How cowardly of me to hide in these words,
Without a voice, without a resolve.

I wonder if you knew what burden I bear
I wonder if you felt how ugly is the ugly
I wonder if you felt sympathy without a hidden agenda
I wonder if I—

I am a coward,
But you wouldn't know that,
Because I am a coward.
Through my thoughts and words.

I am a coward,
Silent when I should've been loud;
I am a coward,
Doubtful when I should've been proud.

I shall bring shame to my family,
As some of them have brought mine;
I shall bring shame to those who surround me,
Those who said I shouldn't give up on the line.

I will be selfish,
I will be foolish,
I will be fiendish,
I will try to end it.

I have seen the ugly,
I have felt how ugly.
I have seen your sorrows;
Yet I have not faced mine.

Now I am a coward,
Keeping the things I should've said,
Nothing more than a coward,
A lost cause better dead.

Don't blame yourself,
When you come see my grave,
Put your fake face on the shelf,
For once don't be a knave.

For those I will leave grieving,
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough;
Maybe you did start caring,
Started caring but not enough.

I am a coward.
Put none on faith,
All alone, a *******,
Alone and lost and frail.

I am a coward,
To let myself be conquered,
By sickness and my thoughts,
By circumstance and words.

I am a coward,
Without saying why;
I am a coward,
To leave without saying goodbye.

I am a coward,
To end abruptly my own strife,
I wish you would forgive me,
For giving up my life.

To those who see these words,
May my omen bring you a sign;
Don't be alone, or at least try;
Don't repeat what mistake have I.

I am a coward.
It took me so long to let you know.
I am a coward.
Hopefully this goodbye isn't just for show.

Is it that you forget me,
Or is it you try to ignore;
Is it that you think I'm already better,
Or is it that you think I am a lost cause?

I have been here countless times already,
Yet none still ease the pain;
Qualms of grief and guilt,
Screams of help but none so inviting;

I'm still in this mess,
I'm sorry for dragging you in;
But I have no one else to go to;
No one wants to stay.

I just hope I pass by your thoughts,
Reminisce the pain,
How we hurt together,
Unknowingly but with consent.

Then again I guess I hurt you more,
Maybe that's why you would not rather.
I guess it's my fault but I still need you;
Please don't forget to remember.

It kills me;
A random thought,
Of madness,
Of sadness,
Of guilt.
Nothing more than a coward,
Afraid of facing demons;
Became one.
Indifferent towards himself,
Sympathetic towards others.

It kills me;
What hope I say,
Is hope I cannot hold on to.
I drag you down, unknowingly;
I tear you apart.
Just like what I do to them.
I'm sorry.

It kills me;
That we see each other without saying a word,
A broken record in repeat.
Getting close but I guess never close enough.
A movie nearing ******,
Yet never there.

It kills me;
How I can't say a word,
When it's all about to explode.

I'm sorry;
I doubt you would even feel the same;
If I told you,
Would you still see me the same?
It kills me.

I ponder
If you knew how much you meant;
I wonder
If you know how many tears I spent;

I know
It's a dumb thing, so feeble;
A stow,
Of feelings so much but none evil;

It's hard,
Trying to make sense of a love so brittle;
It's awkward,
We talked so much yet so little;

Wait, I forgot,
I'm the only one who knows it;
That's why it's all for naught,
Because you will never feel it;

Love,
Love that shouldn't be here;
Love,
Love that I fear;

Love,
Love that I just keep in store;
Love,
Love that could never be more.

If you see these words,
You'll just flow astray;
If you see my words,
*I know you'll go away.

All it takes
Is a random conversation
To make me feel like
Anyone cares

All it takes
Is "hey";
To make me know
You still care

All it took
Was a single happening
That made me feel
Broken

All it took
Was someone so close
Doing something so bad
Making me so wasted

All it took
Were deafening fights
And whispering threats
To make me silent

All it took
Was a single "are you okay"
To make me budge
About the way you saw me

All it takes
Is a single conversation

All it takes
Is for you to see how deformed I am
For me to push you away
I'm sorry

All it takes
Is for me to cry help
For you to finally know
But never come

All it takes
Is sharing the truth
Then just leaving me
To make me feel forgotten

All it takes
Is a random happening
To make me want
Something I cannot control

All it takes
Is a few pills
To make you dizzy
Into the sleep you've waited for

All it takes
Is a few slits;
Pain to make you feel
Alive and dead at the same time

All it takes
Is a jump on the seawall
Or a glug of bleach
To end your suffering

All it takes
Is fear to know
And fear to live
To die.

I'm here again,

It's me.

Again with many words,

Few messages.

A voice so loud,

Yet inaudible;

A resolve so strong,

Yet so spineless.

Again I'm overthrown by my weakness,

Again I turn to my drugs.

I wish that'd be the worse part of it all.

I lay at the couch half-sleeping, half-awake,

I lay my head down, I lay as my body ache,

I lay down and to there I see

A hand pulling mine;

Thrashed to the lobby.

Found me at the bathroom,

Still with breath cut short,

Left to me was rapport I hope so much to abort;

Body left helpless, body failed a last resort.

Now I write, barely sleeping, barely awake,

Life threw with everything at stake;

I can never unfeel the unspeakable things you've done,

I can never remove the handprints you have left upon me;

I can never undo the chaos you have left to run,

I will never forgive how you moved me.

Breath cut short,

Innocence left shorter.

Once. More.

I write this with little force,

Autocorrect guiding my words;

Inhalers keeping this curse at bay,

Blades making blood flow.

I think of now with little hope,

Without a saving grace;

I think of now, a pitch-black room

With no one there but my demons.

Flurry of words seem to gush out of me,

As I hyperventilate;

Grief grows larger as they don't notice,

As these fingers grow numb.

I don't know how much I'll last,

Might as well collapse,

No matter how much I say I'll die,

I'll just live some time again.

But now it's worse.

...
...
...

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Try to find,
My matching tiles;

Put them all together,
See the figure formed;

...
If I was ever fine.

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Lay to wonder,
As to where which should be;

Lay to ponder,
As to how it should be;

...
As I am in disarray.

Pick me up,
Piece by piece,

Tear me up,
Little by little;

Conclude your volition,
Accept the frustration;

...
**I am a puzzle without a key.

I wish I'd just fly away,

Lead astray by the skies;

Soaring higher and higher until I just explode.

I wish I'd get tied to make me grounded:

Soft enough to sway,

But strong enough to stay;

Moving to the whims of the breeze until I just explode.

But instead I'm just filled with emptiness.

Unable to speak my censures.

But I float.

Drown me, but I'll float;

And float—

And float,

Until I get swept away.

I wish I'd just explode.

I've found a soul I've known before;

A soul I recognize yet one I am not familiar with;

A soul I've had a glimpse on,

A soul of a poet.

As I know your secret, I'll keep it sealed.

I hope you keep Mine as well.

We're all poets;*

We all ride our tunes.

Must it be this painful?

Eluding salvation;

Looming over but never in reach,

Ordinal mess;

Distraught.

Red, painted red;

Amidst a room tinted pitch-black;

Must it be this unbearable?

A burning feeling in my chest,

Thrashing.

Incandescent rotting;

Cut and bleed;

Cease and desist.

Analytical confusion;

Torn to shreds with an order.

Hapless;

A fuzzy head thought full yet thoughtless,

Roaming an abyss so quiet

Stars can be heard gushing through the wind.

Inevitable pleading;

Salavation, eluding.

Fazed;

Blacked out.

Woke up with scars,

Left from mindless spurs.

Yet blamed.

Though it is my fault.

I still don't know why I do this.

Now I'm just dragging other people down.

I try to make up for it;

The more I do the more I'll drag others deeper.

The more I become honest the more I destroy.

Erratic slashing,

Woken up by a stinging pain,

A nostalgic feeling.

Blacked out.

*Fazed.

I wish you'd say something;

I wish you'd say the words I'm dying to hear,

I wish we'd talk like we used to,

But we won't.

The more I try to push it,

All the more that I'll destroy it;

A friendship.

I don't even know if I mean anything at all to you.

I wish I do.

But that's a request near to never.

...we haven't even spoken yet.

Here's to hoping it won't **** me deep inside;

"...hey"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*"√"

I know we've never talked in person;
Dumb, right?
Though once we open the chatbox
We'll talk like long met acquaintances

I know I've said a lot of spontaneous ****,
You'll patch them up with yours;
The moment you typed those random words
It instantly meant something to me

I told you when I wanted to die.
I told you that would be the last.
Yet you peered through me,
Saved me from something I thought I wanted.

It ought to be awkward;
A way I can't fathom,
Yet you talk like nothing's changed;
Comfort I needed.

We talked boring days and sleepless nights,
We talked shows and music,
We talked about lives,
We talked about us.

"Hey"
"Eyyyyy"
"Thanks for keeping up with my ****"
"It's cool I talk about random **** too"

"Hey"
"What's up?"
"I hope I'm not botheting you"
"Hey, it's okay"

"Hello"
..."hey"
"gotta go"
"wait, I—"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*Never mind

I wish I could've put
A capo on 4
So that we can sing the tune
That felt so real before;

Or maybe it should've been
The capo on 7;
The pitch when we fought
And decided to call it even.

An unlikely key,
A capo on 3,
Can't decide if I should be relieved
Or hurt when you left me.

I wish I should've gone
Like the capo on 1,
An unfulfilling venture;
A bitter Love's run.