i lied to myself
saying i didn’t care
that i felt nothing
that whether you were alive or not
would make no difference in my life
today i discovered why i try so hard
even unconsciously
to handle everything and everyone
to take care of everyone
because i am still waiting
for you to take care of me
me — an adult —
crying like a child
at this truth
mother,
i want you to take care of me
to hold me the way you never did
to peel an orange when i’m hungry and i ask you to do it
to cut my nails
because i don’t know how
to comfort me
when my cat dies suddenly
to stop watching your soap operas and listen to me while i am speaking
to not criticize my friends
to support me in making new ones
to not lock me inside the house
forcing me to see life through my bedroom window
to not hand me a computer and internet
and mistake my silence for goodness
for a daughter who doesn’t bother anyone
i am bothered
and now i am no longer resigned
do you see what your silence did to me?
it silenced me too
closed every door and window
and locked me inside myself
i cannot hate you
that energy
i must use to love myself