A shocking revelation, not so shocking revelation has dawned upon me and I realize I am not aligned with simply male or female. I deviated from the socialization of female and I am now deviating from male socialization and roles. I am deviating because the performance of gender doesn't do me much anymore except back pain and bruised ribs. The performance of male or female as a trans person is often unrelenting and empty. Performing has made me hyperaroused by those perceivimg me, anxious about failing my performance and getting sexually or physically assaulted, and has honestly not done me anything good in the past year and a half. All I get from that is being gendered "he" and even that isn't really affirming. I suppose it's better than She/her but it's all in the same if it's binary.
My existence cannot be boxed into either or.
I feel as though my experience with gender is always transforming and adapting to what's most comfortable.
Being a binary trans person felt comfortable because it was the only viable option from female. Now, performing/being perceived as male is not making me comfortable.
I don't want to die a man. I don't want to die a woman. This doesn't even take into consideration how I'll always be perceived as A or B. Gender is confusing. I identify as genderqueer, but also "not available."