nobody knows the real me.
the me that hurts, the me that hides, the me that cries alone, the me that sacrifices, the me that cares.
but no one would understand me anyway,
hell i don't even understand myself.

i used to think i was suffocating inside of a deep green forest where all i could see were pine trees, gloomy fogs and different paths to take.
sometimes i felt like i was in the bottom of an ocean suffocating and drowning in my sorrows as i let the water control my body.
other times i felt like i was suffocating in fire---in my childhood home that burned down.
i still feel like i'm suffocating now,
but i don't know whether it's the forest, the ocean, or the fire.
sometimes i believe i'm simply suffocating in the silence of my reality; who i am today, who i'm going to be tomorrow, and who i was yesterday.
i'm scared for what the future holds for me because the past took a part of my life that i will never forget and receive back.
i don't think i'm interested in living this life anymore because i barely survived the past, how will i survive the next?
i won't make it out this time.
i just know it.

it's been twelve years since my life changed..
since they changed me.
then why do i still feel seven years old?
and why does the pain keep on growing stronger?

there's so much anger that i carry,
so much sadness,
and so much of the person who i used to be.
sometimes my life doesn't feel real
but the more i distract myself
the longer i can ignore that i'm unhappy in my present.
the distractions numb me so majority of the time i'm fine,
but now the distractions aren't working and i'm forced to face what's wrong.
i do and don't know what's wrong.
i know it's not my fault why everything in my life is destroyed,
but i can't keep blaming what i said i've forgiven.
how do i move on

even though we haven't spoken in 172 weeks
you've been the only person that's crossed my mind.
there's still a wave of memories i have with you that won't wash away
and i don't know why.
they feel like a stain,
YOU feel like a stain
that i can't get rid of.
maybe your scent is stuck in my head since we used to lay near each other.
or maybe it's your voice that i can't unhear that's holding me back.
perhaps it's your eyes,
i remember always being lost in them.
but i do know that
i can't move on.
and i do know it's because of you,
i just can't let it go.
i can't let you go.
i won't let it go at all.

it's not that i worshipped the ground that you walked on
or the comforting words you could tell a thousand times.
it's that you are the reason why it felt so real,
why we felt so real.
you could never choose me in a heartbeat,
but even when both of our worlds are crashing down,
i'd push you off the part of the mountain about to collapse,
so that i fall and you won't.
would you save me too?
or would you save yourself?

despite the fact that you treat me horrible
despite the fact that you remind me everyday i'm a bad person because i don't do YOUR job
despite the fact that you abandoned me as an EIGHT year old child
despite the fact that you blame me for being the daughter of your ex-husband
despite the fact that you treat me like a stranger under your suffocating roof
despite the fact that you love your new kids more and your new husband more than my father
despite the fact that you look down on me and my brothers for being the children of your ex-husband
despite the fact that you don't trust me
despite the fact that you said you don't love me
despite the fact that you keep threatening me
despite all of it...
i still found ways to love you more.
but like you said: you'd never believe me because i'm a liar.
would i still be a liar when i'm no longer here anymore?
or are you just too blind to see that you never raised me and i turned out to be a great person without needing you?
i need you, but i don't need you that much.
i was my own mother anyways