Salvation means different things to many people
Reared by a single mother
Abandoned by a deadbeat absentee dad
I am confused and angry
Now am I supposed to feel them
I have no mentors
Or anyone in my life
That cares enough to teach me
How to be a woman
My life didn't come equipped
With an automatic pilot
For a successful life

What I had growing up was
Religion
Not beliefs but principles
1Kings
2Kings
James
Ecclesiastics
From Genesis to Revelation
To the 1 and 2 Chronicles
Corinthians, Peter, John
From sunrise service
To afternoon fellowship
To young to realize
That mother's salvation
Isn't mine

Sitting in church
8 hours each Sunday
Praising the Lord
At the top of my lungs
To the top of my voice
Being baptized at the age of 5
Well before I even understood why
Didn't make me a saint
No amount of bible study
Ushering or participation in church
Could save me
Or the congregation
From sin and all evil

The chasing of the wind
Repentance
What was the point in asking
Seeking and praying
For forgiveness
Yet not changing ones ways
Or taking on bad habits
That were sinful
There was no point
Everything is meaningless

Thump- thump thump- thump
Thump- thump thump- thump
Heart beating so hard
I check to see if it is leaving a print
Sweat pouring down mii face
Hands shaking with fear
I pray to myself hoping that somehow
This all works out in mii favor
......
I pick up the gun
And wait for my turn
The room is so quiet
I can hear his eyelashes hit his face
The face that's covered with a slightly confident smirk
The face that's smiling at my fear
The fear that's evident throughout my entire frame
......
He holds his gun up
Aiming directly at my chest
Fear has engulfed me as I sit ****** with fear
...click
.......
Nothing...
There was no bullet
I'm still here
Now it's my turn
I take a deep breath
Hoping that neither one of us had to die but knowing that one of us will be leaving this world tonight
...click
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
He's still here
He survived
....
Our chances are slimmer now
Only five chambers left
One of them holds our fate
One of them...
....
It's his turn again
Snickering with a glare in his eye
he aims the gun at my head
Is this the end of me
Am I about to die
No time to think
...click
.....
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Once again I dodged the grasp
The grasp of deaths cold hands
Once again I survived
Once again....
......
The chances now are slimmer than before
Only four chambers left
One holds the bullet
One holds our fate
One holds....
.......
Mii turn has come once again
Once again I have the power
Once again I can take his life
....
I aim
Slowly I curl my finger around the trigger
I pull, and...
......
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
He's still here
He survived once again
Once again my life is in his hands
....
He aims at my head
My life flashes before my eyes
Flashes at the speed of light
I see my childhood
My teenage years
My...
...click
......
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Chance of survival
I'm still here
....
Three down and three to go
I wait anxiously
Its my turn again
I pick up the gun
And I aim it at his chest
I pull the trigger and...
....
Nothing
No bullet in the chamber
Nothing
No smiles, no sweat,
Only anxiety  and fear
....
He picks his gun up
With two chambers left
I see the smirk on his face
I know that this just may be my end
......
He aims
He curls his finger around the trigger
He blows me a kiss
And pulls....
.....
Aaaahhh!!!
The pain searing through my body
Like fire, burning my insides
Its as if I've been tranquilized
The image before my eyes
Fades slowly and I know
I've been hit
......
I grab the bleeding patch
The blood seeping threw my shirt
I hold on as firmly as I can
Slowly I lose my balance
The gun clanking
Falling to the ground..
......
I see you walking away and I can't let you go
I reach out to the gun
Grab it
Call his name
And pull the trigger
Now on my last breath...
......
Seeing him fall
Head thudding against the floor
I sigh and fall back with my last thought being
What a bad game of Russian Roulette

Hahaha look at her rolls hanging over the top of her pants
I know she looks disgusting.
Sitting in the silence...just looking at myself I try to figure out
Am i ugly? How am I ugly? Why am I ugly? Am I dumb? How am I dumb? How do I look disgusting? What makes me look disgusting? Am I disgusting?
I try so hard to answer these questions but the only reason that I can come up with is because you said so... Not because I'm genetically formed with such deformities. Not because I suffered a horrendous accident. Not even because that's how I feel.
The violent words tear at my skin like nails ridding of a great itch
Your opinions eat at my emotions like a hungry shark feeding on fresh prey
Are they opinions or are they facts. Are they meant to hurt me or to help me.
Its all so vague...unclear if you will nothing makes sense
In other words I'm imperfect
I'm imperfect in your eyes as well as others
And you may be right
But if I may I'd like to voice my opinion
I've nearly racked my brain
Trying to come up with answers to all of my many questions
And the only answer that I seem to come to come up with
Is that I'm like this because this this is how you see me
You see me as a disgusting fat slob...
But why is the million dollar question
Why do you see me like that
Is it because its true
Or is it because that's how you see yourself...
Is it because you see yourself as a pig but because you wanna fit in you blame it on the next vulnerable victim
You try and lower my self-esteem to raise yours
Only thinking of yourself
Never once thinking that I am a reflection of you
That just because I'm ugly on the outside means I'm ugly on the inside
But honestly I'm not
I'm actually beautiful inside
Come on take a look
It'll only take a second

I dont know what happened
One minute we were happy
The next minute we were fighting
We used to know each other
Now its like we are total strangers
With us it was like seeing double
Now its like 1+1-2
No one is ever around
If I'm here you're there
If you're here I'm there
And its like there's a force field
Around our hearts
No one gets in and no one gets out
And he isn't in
We don't sleep in the same bed
We don't sleep in the same room
We barely even sleep under the same roof
You're always in someone else 's bed
And I'm always home
You're always on the run
And all I ever run for is the phone
Thinking that maybe it's you on the other end
But it never is
Always going off to talk on the phone
And all I can do is stare
Because I know that I'm not making him happy
Leaving home early and either coming home the next day or not at all
It hurts but what can I say
Other than its a job that I'm failing at
Making you happy used to be a breeze but now its a chore
I can give it another shot
But what if it doesn't work
Then what
I can't bring myself to beg
And I refuse to change who I am for him
I should probably just give up
But what if I give up and he's only doing this to make me jealous
Then what
Why happens then
Maybe I will try
But I don't know him anymore
Its like he's a picture
That I can't grasp the concept of
Is that my problem
Is it because I'm unattractive to him
Or is it because he's fallen out of love
Could it be that he was never in love
No one can possibly fall out of love that quick can they
No...
I don't know
I feel non existent to him
I feel useless and he doesn't even notice
Its as if I am a beautiful bird
And he is the scientist
The one who studies my kind
The one who parades us around to other scientists
The one who makes sure that I won't get away
Simply by clipping
My pretty wings

Let me out of this cage
That man calls low self esteem
I will not travel down the road of
Down trodden dreams
I will lift my head up high
High up to the sky
Where only God presides
And there will I survive
I will praise the one who made me
And love the ones who hate me
I will not settle for less when I am truly greater than the best
I had this thing called life and then I dropped it
I had this this called love and let it slip through mii fingers
Burst into a stream of tears
The tears that wash my hurt down stream
And opened my cage of
Low self-esteem

Please go away now
Please leave me alone!
I dont need you
I can make it on my own
So get out of my head
Dont haunt me...please
I won't go where I'm not wanted
I won't stay where I dont belong
I won't sing
When my song isn't wanted
I won't speak if I don't have to
I won't speak if I'd rather stand
Why walk when I could run
What part don't you understand
Please go away now
I'm walking out the door
I'm going to take my freedom
What else can I want more?

I do not recall the day
When my hand stumbled upon his
Like a lost puzzle piece
Among countless others
I don't remember that sincere sensation
That filled my soul
As I looked into those cool brown eyes
That looked back at me with such passion
The infinite hours discussing our dreams our hopes
Till the morning hour light shines through the draperies
The dearest words of affection
Whispered sweetly
That made my cheeks scarlet with delight
I dont recall just exactly what went wrong
We were...picture perfect
I dont remember ever thinking that it was my fault
I don't remember that pointed dagger
Spearing my heart
To let it shatter against the floor into a million fragments of love
Scattered upon the ground like the fallen leaves
And like a wounded soldier
I fell
And cried soft tears of anguish
I dont remember ever finding another
All I remember now
Is just a shadow
This shadow of true love