It’d be nice to sit outside at 3 in the morning on a summer night with another human being watching the stars glow.
We could sit there for hours, talking about the universe.
Talking about life.
Talking about the mysterious and fascinating wonders of the world.
Then I’d glimpse at you and see your curious eyes look up at the sky.
The same way you look at me in the eyes with your palm against my cheek.
Perhaps we could kiss and I will be able to feel all the star dust building up inside of me.
And together we become one.
A bundle of energy so powerful that even the farthest galaxies will see how bright we shine.
Maybe we could hold hands and I’ll trace every line carved within your skin.
I might even let you see my naked soul, but only if you let me see yours.
We can explore the human body and taste ever fragment of energy within you.
Your radiant soul is connected with mine, and we are connected to the universe.
So you won’t belong to me, you belong to the universe.
To endless stars and endless planets.
So when we look into the sky at 3 in the morning on a summer night, we don’t only see the stars glow,
We see ourselves within.
                                                                                 -j.c.

I once had a dream that I was painting beautiful artwork onto a canvas,
I woke up and found myself tracing over every line carved into the palm of your hands with my fingertips.
You're the most alluring piece of artwork my eyes have ever met.
The sunlight of the Sunday morning was sneaking its way in through the window, giving your soul a radiant glow.
You were lying there still, profoundly in your sleep.
Your chest rising up and down to the rhythm of your breath.
I rest my head on your left shoulder and I can hear every blood cell moving through your body.
Your eyes start to slowly open.
Your smile is the reason I wake up in the morning.
Our eyes greet without saying a word, then our lips find each other and wrap themselves within.
Soon our bodies are so enlaced that we are no longer two different bodies; we became one.
How lovely it is to share your all with another human being.
How lovely it is to see the perfect piece of artwork wrapped within your arms.

How awful it is to lay numb on your bed late at night & think about someone who isn't thinking about you.
How awful it is to dream about someone but wake up alone.
How awful it is to remember everything about someone who doesn't even remember your name.
How awful it is to write about someone who never wrote about you.
Awful, that's how it feels.
Wasted time, wasted years.
How awful it is to sit here and type your name but hitting the backspace button because typing your name gets me nowhere.
This poem is getting me nowhere, and that's an awful feeling.
But it is not as awful as thinking about you.

The way you write about her is the same way I write about you
You spill your thoughts about her beauty
I spill my tea all over the pages that have your name written all over it just so it can be blank again
You planted a seed into my skull the night our lips intertwined with one another
That seed soon grew into a beautiful flower

But you forgot to water it

The flower is dying because she knows you are in love with the other girl
It's fading away, the same way I faded away the next day
But you see, the roots of that flower soon grew down into my veins, down into my tummy, looped in between my ribs
Now whenever I see you, I can feel them sprouting down into my legs & I can feel the tingling sensation on my fingertips
It felt as if I was lying next to you tracing over your scars & tattoos in the dark because I know exactly where they are marked on your body and how your skin gets goosebumps whenever I trace your neck
I can feel the flower blossom all over again, again & again
But I want it to stop growing
I want it to die the same way I died in your memory
The same way you never thought of me
The same way you never loved me
Soon this compelling flower that once bloomed will no longer glow
Although it will still have a beautiful meaning even if its all dried up like someone came & ****** all of its love away
The same way you did to me
I will rip the dead flower out of my skull, out of my memory
I'll do it exactly the way you vanished me out of your thoughts
Then I'll rip off every petal reciting he loves me he loves me not
I kissed the last dry petal away & recited my last words
He loves me not
He never did
He never will
But its ****** up how I still find it beautiful
Because even if you never watered that flower, it still blossomed into a beautiful tragedy.

In physics they taught me energy cannot be destroyed. Energy always has to go somewhere.
So I guess now I understand why I'm so tired all the time.
You took away all of my energy I once had in me.
When I was with you, you transmitted atoms of energy to me, or at least I thought so because I swear to god that I could feel it in the way my face would lay on your bare chest.
Now that you're gone, all of my energy has gone with you.
Somehow I was able to relinquish all of my energy to you, although now I know you never deserved it.
2 years later here I am,
tired,
nostalgic,
suicidal,
and depressed.
Hoping that perhaps someday I can figure out a formula of physics for which I will be able to acquire my energy back from you without hurting anyone like you hurt me.

Holding onto my sadness is much like holding a delicate piece of glass. I hold onto it so tight that it breaks in the palm of my hand. Slowly the broken pieces cut through my skin, making my hand a canvas for the blood to drip off of.
But I don't feel the pain on my hands, I feel it in my chest.
The only thing I can think about is this empty feeling in my chest that has gotten too comfortable and doesn't want to leave.
Its like I'm in love with sadness and happiness hates me.
Lately I've been feeling a little bit crazy.
This is the only emotion I have been able to feel along with nostalgia, despair and all of those other words that are stuck in my throat that prevents me from breathing in fresh air.
I am out of my mind, yet I present an image where it seems like I am perfectly fine.
But then again everyone is fighting their own demons. Fighting their own thoughts. Fighting to not fight with yourself.
And sometimes my thoughts take over making my head hurt and palms sweat.
It makes me sick, but at least I know I can still feel something.

Happiness used to be something I could grasp
I relied on someone for happiness, thinking it would last
But that person saw me directly in the face with a mask
A mask of broken parts that he could not put himself back together
But only because he’s a man does not make him better
Since I relied my happiness on him, when he left I was gone too
I only blame myself for loving you
Caring for you
Giving you everything I had to offer to you
And what did you do?
In return I got lies
You were a fake man in disguise
Thinking if you could get me to fall in love you’d be lucky enough to get between my thighs
Now you’re name is engraved in the blunt when I get high
You see, don’t ever rely
Don’t ever rely your happiness in a guy
Because one day he could leave you in despair without a goodbye
He’ll leave you empty inside
Crying yourself to sleep at night
Wanting to die
And leave an unanswered question..
A simple why?
I’ll tell you why
Because he was brought into my life for a reason, although at first it wasn't clear
He was my first love, and now sadly love is my biggest fear
But I learned from this experience and the end is not near
Why?
Because this is simply life and life brings us many pains
Or joyful memories like when I danced with him in the rain
From that point and on, nothing was ever the same
People come and go
I’m sure that’s something everyone knows
But not everyone knows that no matter what size or color you are, you’re beautiful as a rose
Happiness used to be something I could grasp
I relied on someone for happiness thinking it would last
But I’m in a new chapter in my life and that is part of my past
And I am no longer crying over that *******
Why?
I found happiness
I found it on those sleepless nights
When I would peek outside at 6 in the morning and see the new sunshine
I found it in moments when my friends and I would laugh so hard it brought tears to our eyes
I found it when I fell in love with poetry and I sit down and write, write, write..
I found it in the simple things in life.
                                                                                    -j.c.

I don't want to fall in love if it always ends the same.
Emotions will build up and walls will be broken down.
Hands will be held and inner thighs will be kissed.
Secrets will be whispered and demons will play together.
But then sooner or later I'll fall in too deep.
Like floating into an ocean of despair & wanting to touch the bottom of the floor with your feet but you realize it's much deeper than that.
Then I find myself lost & confused.
Wondering what I did wrong, wondering what I could have done better.
& when I want to say "I miss you" it hurts like hell because I can feel the sting in my throat from the edges of the words that have cut so deep.
And then I lose my mind.
Something isn't right anymore & I can feel the cold projecting from the distance that it has created.
Then at 4 in the morning I feel it in my chest & waves of memories gush out of my eyes.
Drinking poison because it reminds me of the way your lips tasted, similar to the feeling you gave me when you looked into my eyes and I could feel our vibrations connect.
I thought a forever meant forever but it was temporary.
So if it ends this way again then I don't want it anymore because next time it might just **** my soul.

I'm not the type to open up but I let him
Let him in my soul and underneath my skin
Thought I needed him
Like my personal prescription of vicodin
Holding me down with a pin
We both gave a whole new meaning to sin

You were a mistake
But I took it as a lesson learned
You ain't ****
And that I can confirm
I swear I always fall for your type
I need to learn how to learn
As I proceed to old habits & let these green trees burn

But tell me does it feel good? To not give a **** about anyone
Or when I was spelling out scrects on your skin with my tounge
Or when our imperfect bodies laced together to become one
But now secrets I have none

I guess it's the same **** with my heart
Because you showed me how to tear a heart apart
Like you were a part of my life but now I'm back to the start
Expect this time I'm not the one who will be falling apart

There's a mess in my head
Too hard to comprehend
I let the liquor do the talking instead
Because all of my feelings are dead
I depend on these meds
I'm friends with the monsters under my bed
And they told me they're upset
They told me I'm depressed
But I shrug that **** off & I look ahead

What's the meaning of love? I don't know
What's the meaning of lust? Let your mind go
And go with flow
I promise to do it slow
And touch you in places you wish you didn't know
But your soul was colder than a Minnesota snow
But in your eyes I swear I could see something glow
Maybe it was the way I didn't feel alone
Now I'm left with emptiness & I can feel it in my bones
In my mind endless repeating of the words I should've known

Or should I talk about the lies?
Or how at first I was shy?
You were the demand & I was your supply
But **** all that now I see the truth thru my third eye
I guess it was good but this is a good bye

So many broken pieces inside of me, I don't know where to start.
Maybe if I rip my skin open I can untangle my veins and put them back into place.
Maybe if I tear my lungs apart I can scrape off every bit of you that I inhaled.
Perhaps I can examine every bone and count every crack you made and multiply it by every inch of skin your lips brushed on my body.
Maybe if I cut my stomach open I can drip out the lifeless butterflies.
But what's the point anyway?
I can't wash away the memory of you.
No matter what, you'll forever be engraved into my brain.
I try to fix myself by drowning in alcohol.
I try to forget with a midnight smoke.
But I'm torn apart and I can't be fixed.
It's too late.
I'm a dangerous person to love because no matter what,
*I'm always the one who will love you more.

Looking into your iris is like teleporting to space. There is no such thing as the concept time or gravity.
Everything is still, yet moving so fast.
There is nothing. Nothing but absolute beauty & mystery.
It kept pulling me in as I was floating across a map of lost stars & swimming in a lost sea of star dust, yet I wasn't lost.
I knew exactly where I was.
I was with you,  
I was with your soul.
But yet no one exactly knows where we are because the universe is infinite & we are all just little specks of nothing.
But your eyes.. ******* those eyes.
Your eyes are not nothing.
Your eyes are everything.
They have the capability to make a human being discover galaxies that have never been found.
They have the beauty that no one has ever encountered.
Those eyes.. oh man those eyes have their own galaxies of their own.
They hold a world within them that still needs to be discovered.
They make you feel like you're lucid dreaming into
another dimension.
I cannot hold them in my hands, but yet I can feel your vibrations throughout my cold veins & my disordered skin.
Oh how ******* lovely it is to stare into your iris.

Let me leave the print of my lips on your collarbone
Let me whisper my poetry softly into your ear at midnight
Maybe you should let my hands dance on your skin
Let my fingers brush through your hair
Our bodies pressed onto each other
Let our voices make beautiful music
Tell me your secrets & I'll tell you mine
Tell me you love me just for tonight

Just for tonight

& in the morning I'll be gone
The only thing you'll have left of me is the print of my lips
The vague memory of my words
The marks my fingertips left on your body
My scent pressed onto your sheets
The melody of our voices together
The secrets that were told
The secret was, you were never mine & I was never yours.

Loving me is like walking on the shore of a lake while the sun is going down. You can see your feet in the water and the reflection of your face.
Soon you'll find yourself walking into the body of water and you will no longer see your feet.
You'll find yourself deeper and deeper. You'll realize that the body of water isn't as clean as it looked on the shore.
If you know how to swim then your chances of drowing in the waves of the water are slim.
But if you're not a great swimmer then I hope you know how to hold your breath or at least float because you're too far in now.
Take the chance.
I will teach you how to swim and how to hold your breath.
I will take the time to learn everything about you, the same way I want you to discover my waves.
Let yourself go and I promise you I will always love you.
Do not be afraid.
I will be patient and kind as you will attempt to fathom the body of water.
I will caress every inch of your body and I will kiss your imperfections.
All you have to do is let yourself go and I will forever be here for you.

You touched my body but you never touched my soul. You never touched my mind.
The feeling of home in one another started to diminish & I felt homesick.
It's like a burning candle in the darkest room. Bright flame igniting while the wax burns.
All it takes is a wisp of air & the flame goes out.
While you sit there in the dark trying to watch the hot wax go cold & hard, just like your skin after you find out something you didn't want to find out.
After all we both knew we were nothing but danger for one another.
After all we didn't love each other as much as we should of.
We didn't love each other because you never took the time to explore my mind & have a look into my soul.
Oh the serendipity of falling for lust.

Please have the audacity to recite all of the lies you told me with your lips on my collar bone.
Say it all at once under each breath & make me believe that those lies were the truth.
Make me believe that loneliness doesn't exist while your left hand is in between my hair.
Make me believe that I am worth something while your right hand is underneath my shirt.
Tell me you love me like you did back then.
Make me believe that I am not empty inside.
Make me believe that what we had was worth it, even though I know **** well it wasn't.
Make me feel something because lately I have been feeling nothing but pins and needles being struck into my veins.
Make me believe in you all over again, like mankind has tricked us into the concept of time.
Make me believe in something other than darkness because sooner or later I will get lost in the void of my sadness; the same way I got lost in the void of your words.

Her words are sharp & could cut your soul
Her eyes could sting your skin if you look into them for too long
Her hair strands are like soft violin strings that sounds like the perfect harmony
Her thoughts are like a bow and arrow, if you listen to them they could **** you
But when it comes to her heart,
you won't hear a thing
There is no rhythm of her pulse
It is the most silent place on earth
That is why I warn you to never fall in love with her
Don't do it, because soon you'll be the who's heartless with no rhythm in your pulse
Then it'd be too late
She has already wounded your soul
Stung your skin
Your hands will soon feel frigid
Your pulse will slowly start to pass into oblivion
Now there's no rhythm of your pulse.

I realized he wasn't looking for my heartbeat when he had his hand underneath my shirt.

I realized he wasn't trying to explore my soul when his lips were against my collarbone.

I realized he wasn't looking for love when he was looking into the void of my eyes.

I realized he wasn't going to stay when I woke up & there was no one beside me but my unbuttoned shirt.

I realized that you cannot find love in people who only make you feel loved temporarily.

I realized that sleep isn't going to fix all of my problems & alcohol won't mend my heart.

I realized that drinking coffee doesn't make me feel better.

I realized that **** happens & I have to move on because the world doesn't stop for anyone.

I realized that you don't deserve my love in any type of way.  

I realized that maybe you never loved me.. & that's okay,

because now I realized what I am worth & you deserve none of it.

She loves to curl up behind at 3:48 a.m.
She keeps me company everywhere I go.

Some days I feel her presence strongly,
other days I feel like she might evanesce behind me.

Ever since I found her she has been with me, although her finding was a mistake.

& even though she loves me I wish I never met her.

There are days where she grabs me by the waist & pulls me in.
There are days she has her hands around my neck & her grip only gets tighter & tighter.

She takes over my body & hovers over me even on the days I try to ignore her.

She likes to whisper into my soul.  
Whisper things like "You're no good. Why are you alive?"

& I swear there are days I can feel her venom running through my veins as she tries to poison my body, mind & thoughts.

She's depression & I know her very well.

Take a stroll inside my thoughts and you will find a battlefield against self-love and self-hate.

Take a swim inside the trails of teardrops that my eyes have left behind due to the saddness inside my heart.

Take a run through every violet hair strand on my head, the same ones that he ran his fingers through.

Take a look inside my chest that was once in flames due to the voice inside my head constantly reminding me that he never once loved me.

Take a walk across my lips, forehead, nose, and cheekbones; the same ones he used to kiss along with the smell of intoxication .

And most importantly,

take a glance inside my soul and recognize that I am hard to love.
But I will love with everything I am capable of.

I am a tiny universe along with different emotions but I will always choose happiness, but most of all I will always choose you.

I’ve come to realize that the concept of time and how much you love me are exactly the same.
As much as I wish I could hold both in my hands, I cant.

They both don’t exist.

You left traces of venom on my lips
It took away my ability to breathe
My ability to talk
The only sense I could feel was touch
I could feel the venom invading my veins
Slowly your presence began to fade
My eyes were closing
I lost your grip & began falling down a cliff
My corpse landed on a meadow of flowers

I opened my eyes
Realized it was all nothing but a dream
I stood up to take a look in the mirror
My lips were left with your bite marks
You left traces of venom on my lips.

You are wealthy.
Who taught us that wealth is only measured through currency? 

Wealth is not a large number in a bank account. 

The second you were you born into this world you were already born as the wealthiest person. You were given the wealth of life. 
You were given a heart to love
a brain to think 
  eyes to see 
   hands to hold 
    arms to hug
     feet to run 
      lips to kiss 

You were given a chance to breath when others could not even get the chance at life. 

& yes of course, not everyone was blessed to be born with everything.. 
There will always be defects & imperfections but they should not be seen as a negative. 

Everyone who is/was alive was given to opportunity to live. 
We are alive. 
  We are living. 
   We are breathing.

You are reading this 
& for that I thank you. 

But you should thank life for choosing you. 

Every second that passes by cannot be taken back. 
Every second is not promised & too often we take that for granted. 

Look around. 

Think of your family. 
Think of your friends. 
Think of you & how your heart is beating. 
How your body is breathing. 
How your brain is processing these words that are only a combination of letters but yet somehow our beautiful minds can comprehend. 
Think of every happy moment. 
Think of every sad moment & acknowledge it but let it go because that is in the past. 
Think about the roof over your head. 
Think about the food you eat. 
Think about the places your feet have taken you. 
Think about the pillow your head lies on every night where your mind can dream. 
Think about the clothes you wear. 
The soft blankets that keep you warm. 
Think about your favorite song. 
Think about your favorite drink.
Your favorite person. 
Your favorite place. 

Now think about you. 

Think about how incredible you are. 
Think about the fact that there is no one else like you. 
Think about love & how you can spread that more each day. 
Or how you are capable of doing anything. 

You see, wealth is not an object. 

Wealth is not a number. 

Wealth is not an accessory. 

So then what is wealth? 

The opportunity to live & love life.

When a writer falls in love, well, you're pretty much ******.
I have never been in love myself.
I've only thought I was in something like "love".
But I know that when that time comes, if ever, I will love unconditionally.

The reason I say that you're ****** if a writer falls in love is because we never forget.
We don't know how to forget,
All we know is how to reminisce.
Then again, even if you are not a writer this still applies to many.

But the thing is we will write about you.
Whether you were only part of lives for a while, or for a lifetime.
We will write.
Everything.

We will write about the way you hold the steering wheel with one hand on the freeway.
We will write about the way you like your coffee and the way you drink it.
We will write about the way you would sing to your favorite songs and the way you would rap your favorite verses without messing up.

We will write about the little details that you think we have forgotten,
Yet the little details is all we can remember.

You could have hurt us in the worst way ever,
Yet we will still describe as the most alluring human being.

That's the thing about us,
We write about people who sometimes don't deserve to be written about.
We write about places and memories that we wish we could forget.
And here I am, writing about them as if I could release them out of my memory.
I'm pretty much ******..
because I know I'll always write about everything and everyone.
Either with joy or with pain.

When a writer falls in love, well, you're pretty much ******.

I have so much love inside of me that I often tried to find someone to give it to.
Yet it never crossed my mind that the person who needed my own love was myself.
I always wished that someone would love me the way I loved them.
But who knew that all the love I had inside of me could be given to the person looking back at me in the mirror?

I am a universe of its own.
I am a beautiful soul with energy emitting from my fingertips.
I have an aura that's as beautiful as stargazing in Alaska.
I have soft loveable thighs who rub against each other when I walk because they cannot live without touching each other.
I have a contagious laugh and whenever I whisper "I love you" it sounds like the gods put it together to make the perfect melody.
I have difficult thoughts, often, but I am perfectly imperfect.
My hands have a delicate touch that could make you soul travel through the quantum of space and time.
My energy vibrates through the universe with love and compassion.

I am beautiful in my own ways.

I believe every single person deserves their own love.

Who taught you to hate yourself?
Who said you weren't enough?
Who taught you to talk to yourself in such negative ways?

You are you.
You are beautiful.
You are an endless bundle of energy.

Don't talk negatively to yourself because your soul feels it.
Give yourself some love.
Remind yourself daily that you can do anything that your beautiful heart desires.
Accept your flaws and accept what has happened in the past.

Forgive yourself and forgive those who have hurt you.
I know it hurts and I know it is hard.
But giving yourself some of your own love will be the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

Love every inch of your body from head to toe.
You are enough!

Be happy, love life and most importantly love yourself because there is only one of you in this whole entire world and out of everyone you deserve your own love.

Why is it that every night I lay in bed feeling more numb than the night before.
Why is it that I feel the need to smoke just to clear my mind up a bit but realizing that I will always be alone.

Why is it that I hate myself so much but love others more than I really should.
Why is it that I'm always surrounded by people but yet feel so **** lonely.

Why is it that I try so hard to be a good friend but always end up being ignored and unwanted.
Why is it that I try to smile even on my hardest days but my emotions take over and the bags under my eyes appear bigger.

Why is it that I toss and turn in my bed at 4 in the morning craving someone's touch.
Why is it that I have so much love to give but in return I receive none.

Why? I don't know. This world has infinite unanswered questions.
But what I do know is if I had someone to love, and be loved in return, then I probably would not feel this way.

So for now I'll continue my smoking habits to get high and I'll continue to miss someone who's not here.
I'll continue to waste my days waiting for serendipity to appear.

Looking at your aura is more fascinating than traveling up to Alaska to watch the aurora borealis glow.
Looking into your eyes in more fascinating than learning about the galaxies and how stardust forms.

Taking a glimpse into your soul is more beautiful than sitting on the beach in Mexico watching the luminous sunrise.
Taking a glimpse of your smile is more beautiful than meditating in the wild for my body to energize.

Touching your lips is more mesmerizing than laying in a meadow of flowers in the middle of June.
Touching your skin is more mesmerizing than sitting on a roof at 2:16 a.m. looking at the full moon.

You are my aurora borealis,
my galaxy and stardust,
my sunrise,
my meditation,
my meadow of flowers,
my full moon.

And I hope one day I have the courage to tell you..

You said it's just rain..
I said no, its the angels crying from above trying to wash off all of the dirt from the outside of the window pane.
You said it's just rain.

You said it's just the sun..
I said no, its a bundle of hot energy shining its rays of sunshine through the glass windows to make your skin glow.
You said it's just the sun.

You said it's just the moon..
I said no, its a luminous planet that knows the night's secrets & yet still returns every night to guide us back home.
You said its just the moon.

You said it's just the wind..
I said no, its a breath of fresh air moving through your clothes and tangling in between my hair & dancing with the wind chimes.
You said it's just the wind.

You said you missed me..
I said no, I miss you more like the waves miss the shore. I miss you more like the stars lost in the void.
You said you missed me.

I said I love you..
You stayed quiet.
There was nothing left to say but stare blankly into your eyes and say, you're right.
It is just rain.
It is just the sun.
It is just the moon.
It is just the wind.
& its true, I will always miss you more.

Your touch is as magical as a star shooting across the dark sky
Your soothing lips fit gently perfect with mine
Your beautiful soul shines like star dust left behind
Your smile amazes me like watching galaxies intertwine
Your soul, that’s what I fell in love with
Your mind, that’s what I can connect with
Our bodies make beautiful music with each passionate kiss
Your skin will be singing melodies that your lips are not familiar with
I will show you what love is, or rather love will show you who I am
And we will call each other home because we belong within each other
Somehow everything seems to be okay when I’m with you
The fact that you’re flawless and perfectly put together amazes me too
The color of your eyes is a reflection of euphoria
And I crave you
                      you.
                        you.
                          you.
How your strong arms hold me when we’re together in bed
How you know every strand of hair on my head
You’re the best book I've ever read
You’re my favorite letter in the alphabet
The smell of your chest is my favorite scent
And if heaven exists then you are heaven sent
Your aura is a mixture of beautiful colors my eyes have never met
The way you say my name when your eyes meet mine
The way you grab me from behind
The way your soul shines
The way you take each breath when you’re asleep by my side
Your mind, body & soul is the reason I’m alive
                                                           ­                      -j.c.