Now I can’t trust you.

I don’t hate you
Not in the slightest
In fact I miss you

I miss the movie filled sleep-overs
I miss the comedy bits that were ours together, like the ones that you and your brother have now
I miss playing music near you, without the fear of judgement or envy of your own skill
I miss the long talks about our lives, our aspirations, our friends
I miss when we were best friends, when we were brothers
I think I played with your heart in ways that I didn’t mean to do
I think we both lost things that made us click so well
I’m not exactly sure what they were
But I’m hoping, praying, that maybe we can get them back
After all, summer finally came
I love you

When your breaths grow shorter
I’ll tear a hole in your throat
When you grow tired of my voice
I’ll cut your ears and sew you new ones
When your bright eyes run blurry with tears
I’ll take fire to your face until you can see clearly again
I’ll always be here for you
And you’ll always be here for me

It’s difficult to put into words
How much I care for you
How happy your smile makes me
How a phone call of pure silence means so much
How much I appreciate your attempts to improve yourself
How your tiny singing voice rings in my head for hours
How your strength pushes me to improve my own
How all of your little jokes and teases warm my heart
How little everything else matters when I’m with you
Which is why your worrying makes me even more ashamed to be speechless
And instills the same feelings in me

you’re only hurting yourself

I wonder if you’re just afraid of me being happy
So you tear and beat at the things that I care about the most
Not this time.

Dear Rissy-
You are loved, you are intelligent, you are funny
I can’t think of someone more caring and patient than you
Dear Rissy-
Your family, your friends, your past choices;
None of those define you unless you let them
The only thing that should truly matter is you, the real you
Dear Rissy-
You are so strong, often at your own expense
When you look in the mirror you see a morsel, someone who only allows themself to get knocked down
When I look at you, I see someone strong, independent
Fighting the ghosts of their past and their present, and the reality of their own irrational insecurities all at once
You’re constantly fighting the battle, but eventually you’ll have to realize that there’s some things you just can’t do alone
Dear Rissy-
You are so beautiful.
Every single part of you, inside and out
Your capacity for love and compassion shows no bounds, and the sight of you palettes those attributes astonishingly
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone does
Dear Rissy-
I’m not going to let you go.
I’ve made similar mistakes with you before, and my return was one of the greatest blessings I’ve ever recieved
I’ll be here always until you tell me it’s time to leave
Until then, I’ll be here to help every step of the way
Some may call it controlling, some may call it parenting
And I see where they come from
But know that everything I do is to have your back

Love, Charlie