trickling up the spine
slipping down the throat
consumed like sweet candy
when really a suicide note

unaware of its power
unaware of the threat
it is misunderstood and ignored
its meaning never met

swimming in the stomach
burning through the mind
pulling at the ovaries
its the only of its kind

shredding through like paper
bleeding past like wine
the lost are now forgotten
the lost are now mine

like a blue bird on the first day
she sits and stares at her prey

snow falls gently on the wet sand
the wind and the water hand in hand

she screams and scowls and gasps for air
with strands of long flaxen brown hair

floating in the waves she forgets naught
closer to shore are the memories she fought

then she remembers the times that she hated
and not too longer all was faded.

alone i sit in peace
alone i sit in forgiveness
alone i sit in love
alone i sit in harmony

alone i sit in hatred
alone i sit in betrayal
alone i sit in confusion
alone i sit in denial

alone i sit in silence
alone i sit in sound
alone i sit in darkness
alone i sit in a crowd

alone i sit today
alone i sit right now
alone i sit forever
please get me out somehow

she thought that when she closed her eyes the world would be better
she thought that good would fill the bad
that happiness would fill the sad
she thought that the world would glow with smiles

she thought that if she closed her eyes the hurt would be sweet
she thought that the beatings wouldn't bruise
that the names wouldn't sting
she thought that her lids would shield her from pain

she thought that imagination could overcome reality
she thought that if she told herself everything would be okay, it would
but her eyelids didn't shield her
and her words didn't heal her

and the world remained untouched
and the beatings still bruised up
and for the first time she saw
the ring of fire encircling us all

sometimes you're left there
just thinking about it
about your life with it
about your life without it

tears stream down your face
you reach out, aiming for it
grasping that piece that has been
missing for so long

but it loosens your grip
it eases your fingers and tickles your palm
teasing you for falling for it
mocking your lack of reality

how could it be
that something once so close to the touch
is now so far away?
a distant and fading memory of change and hope

how could it be
that something so good, so sweet, so tender
could beguile you into thinking you actually had a chance.
a chance to be something new, something fresh, something beautiful.

tossing around. over and over.
I grab my clock
4:06 am
what now

I can't stop thinking
my mind is filled with confusion
confusion about love
about life, about me

who am i? i ask
why does my true personality have to be so unattainable
why does it have to be so absolutely true that not even I
not even my parents or friends will understand

I want to run to the root and tell the world who I am
no. i tell myself, its too late
**** it. i say, who cares now?
no one.

I grab my shoes and barbour and climb the stairs toward the gates of hell
the gates of freedom, of insubordination, of truth
with boiling blood oozing, seeping, crawling and consuming terrified souls

I grasp the thick walls that prevent me from the end
the coarse black paint rubs off onto me
I smear the charcoal onto my face
i yell. i cry. i scream.
but still, no one hears me.

the apple tree sits
staring at me
watching my every move

her branches reach out to touch my flaxen hair
combing out the tangles with her withering limbs
her leaves form a braided wreath
with fragile pink blossoms embodying my innocence

her knots form a kind and gentle face
the corners of her mouth turning up to assure me of hope
her crevices are filled with love and life
my only friends. my only family.

"patience" she says
and so i wait. and so i watch
waiting the blessed day of forthcoming

"patience" she says
but I can't wait any longer
my crystal blue eyes are beginning to discolor and my hair is beginning to fall
time is running out

I break from her withered limbs
I break from her benevolent smile
I break from her hospitality and materialness that nursed me back to health
only to fall into a deep abyss of incompetence and insubordination

childish and juvenile acts that were not nursed by the fruit of eden.

I run back to her warm bark
begging for forgiveness
only to taste the now bitter apple.