he is the gun in my mouth he is the flames in my hands he is the pills on my tongue he is the smoke in my lungs he is the alcohol falling down my throat he is the sin I didn't want to make.

How to act okay when I'm not,
how to smile like I mean it when I don't,
how to laugh like it isn't fake,
how to live when I want to die,
how to sleep and then still wake up.

you are like
broken spines and
bad nights.

I think
you're still burning
in my lungs.
I think
your hands are
still
tracing my skin.
And I don't think
you are ever
coming
back.

Childhood,
Father's always angry
mother's always drinking
hurricanes ripping through our kitchen
hurling raised voices down the hallway
walk on eggshells,
tread softly now
watch what you say, don't forget to
think before you speak,
don't say the wrong thing
don't be the wrong thing
Never forget to look for the warning signs
don't leave your fear upstairs.
my brother and sister,
they made you proud, good grades
happy minds (is a happy mind the key to parents love?)
pretend I don't exist, it's funny
how invisible you can become.
saw a fist go through a canvas once,destroy the painting
Everything is always being ripped apart around here,
excuse me while I hide,
I won't speak of this
It'll become another memory blocked out
hidden inside my brain.

I'll be forever
lost,
drifting
in a sea of stars.

If we could be honest about motherhood
how many mothers would tell you
they were made one well before their time?
How many would tell you that postpartum depression doesn't have an expiry date?

My children,
they were not born from kindness
they were not born from loving men,
instead
trapped in a maze of lies and fear
six feet deep and 8 years long
it may have ended but
how long will it take to fade from my mind?

my children
are my world-
metaphorically and literally,
my days a repetition of the ones before and
I am overwhelmed, overstimulated,
alone, alone.
But these thoughts are not made to be heard
so I'll put a smile on my face
and pretend that everything is fine.

I'm not yours anymore,
pushed you away because I didn't feel worthy of your love but
my heart still skip beats like when
you miss a step on the stairs,
or you're driving too fast and
go over a bump in the road.
My fingers still fit in between the
spaces of yours, like thread
fits through the space in the needle.
My tongue still knows the way
your name rolls off it, as
easily as if I were saying my own.
My mind still takes me on a
rollercoaster of thoughts that
are made up of every image we
have, like when you look at a
photo album where, in every picture,
you're smiling with eyes full of love.
My lungs are full of your breath
when I open my mouth, like they
usually should be full of your own breath.
My lips don't close around the traces
of yours when I light up a cigarette,
but God I wish they did.
My waist is untouched, but your arms
used to wrap themselves around it.
I know I still love you, like when you
see old couples still together and in
love from years ago.
I know I would love to have the courage to tell you that
this was all a mistake, you're the only one for me,
we've intertwined ourselves so greatly that
I am you and you are me,
now you're gone, I can't breathe.
I know our names still cross the others mind
I know our hearts still hold a place for
each other, like reserving a table for two, for forever.

I miss you.
I miss you.
I miss you.