Hello, good boy.

I remember how you always listened.
You held my secrets close.
I told you the twisted words that rolled off my tongue,
And you never flinched.

I remember how you always heard.
You were a diligent friend.
I taught you about the planets, the Earth, the stars,
And you never left.

I remember how you took your time.
You never were too quick.
I hurried you sometimes, restlessly waiting,
And you were always patient.

I remember how you showed your power.
You knew when to choose your battles.
I smiled at you, the second-in-command,
And you ruled kindly.

I remember how your wise soul showed,
Your eyes never hid it.
I was always transfixed, trying to find out who you’d been,
And you told me you were simply... here.

I remember how I read to you.
You always seemed embarassed,
I spoke the word of fables gone, your herd gathered round to hear,
And you casually stood apart.

I remember how I failed you.
You unceasingly forgave me.
I messed things up, I was angry with you,
And you always showed me it was okay.

I remember how I cried to you,
You always let me do it.
I did not succeed, I learned atrocities,
And you brought me endless comfort.

I remember how we struggled together,
You always gave 110%.
I didn’t always believe it; I gave less myself,
And you never stopped trying.

I remember how we were imperfect,
We both failed at times.
I lost confidence, you misstepped,
And we always worked past it.

I remember how my memory fades,
I still cannot express you.
I try to grasp what little I have,
But you transcend words.

I                                          enough.
  don’t                        good
          care              are
                for     you
                    now

im scared when im with(out) you
im so scared
i love you.

thats all i even know anymore.

i love you.

does this even make sense?
do i even make sense?

i love you!

but how can something so beautiful last?
how can something so lovely be perpetuated forever into infinity and beyond?

forever and ever amen.

i believe the universe is fundamentally good.
i believe you are, too.
i believe this is.

but im so scared.
ive never loved anyone like this
im scared when im with(out) you.
i love you.

will you always love me?
if you dont, that's ok.
i mean it's not but it is because you'll be ok and i will too someday but i love you now and i want to love you forever and you can never ever know how i feel because it's like im stuck watching a never ending film reel of our happiest moments and youre just a movie, just a story for me to tell other people about forever and ever amen and i hope it will never end.

i love you.

im scared.

i love you.

Tonight, I'm falling in love with myself.
I will study her hands so closely,
I will marvel at each line.

Tonight, I'm falling in love with myself.
I will hug her body so tightly,
I will be so glad she's mine.

Tonight, I'm falling in love with myself.
I will love the way her hair falls,
I will cherish all her time.

Tonight, I'm falling in love with myself.
I will want her sense of humor,
I will smile at how she's kind.

Tonight, I'm falling in love with myself.

I balance myself
   so delicately
on haves and have-nots.

"What do I have that you do not?"
      this gives me life; purpose.
I have done what you lack.

"What have you done that I have not?"
       and suddenly the world falls beneath my feet.
I am not so good as you anymore.

I balance myself
   so delicately
on haves and have-nots.

I tried to preserve you in a glass jar against my better judgement.
So here I am, sitting across the table from the phantom form of you.
Would you like some tea? No, I shouldn't entertain your presence.
I would like some tea, but you'd never invite me over, would you?
Oh how I wished it so, how I tried to manifest you into reality.

I always knew you were doomed to remain a fairy tale.

Against my better judgement I tried to preserve you in a glass jar.
So here I am, sitting across the table from the phantom form of you.
Would you like to leave? No, I will still trap you here.
I would like to leave, but you'd like that too much.
Oh how I wished I could, how I tried to leave you behind.

I always knew you were doomed to remain a fairy tale.

The glass is cracking, you are escaping, finally escaping.

I would like you to stay, I would like to leave, I would like to preserve you in a glass jar.

I miss what I never thought I'd miss:
cicadas chirping
phantom insects
now crawl from the air vents
when the sun rises
dust is but dust.

I recall what I never thought I'd recall:
the city
walking up and down its streets
now running in my mind
when the alarm sounds
all is illusory.

I feel what I never thought I'd feel:
memories so real
leave me be, leave me be
I miss my home
where is this place
is it right?

I miss what I never thought I'd miss:
thoughts are swirling
I cannot understand
why here, why now, why this?
I have found my happiness
I have found it.

In you, I see something
It reminds me of peace.
Hands remain tangled,
After we’ve fallen asleep.

Forlorn figures fade
Faithlessly away.
And my faithful frettings
Found moorings in faraway fields today.

In you, I feel something
It reminds me of warmth.
If ever you need flour,
Please knock at my door.

Ancient ancillary angels
Are visiting me now.
And my divine daydreams
Discover a home in delightful dallying about.

In you, I find something.
It reminds me of love.
Mayhaps it’s too hackneyed
But it feels blessed; from above.

How I long to give in to the mortal pleasures of the flesh,
Yet lusting for the release of the physical world I exist,
Paradoxically halted by my own humanity.

Am I this name, this face, this soul?
Is this body inseparable from me?
I look at my digits and exalt in their beauty, these vessels which carry me through life.

How I wish to ascend to the heights of consciousness,
Yet praying for the escape from this eternal solitude,
Perpetually stunted by my own humanness.

Am I this heart, this blood, this mind?
Are those people inseparable from me?
I look at their digits and exalt in their beauty, those vessels which carry us through life.

How fleeting, how trivial, how small everything is.
How permanent, how significant, how immense everything is to me.

Here I sit, trapped in a tunnel

Or maybe I am walking, prodded unkindly by the hands of those behind me,

Pulled forward by the wrists of those who came before,

Stuck in a game of tug-of-war where I hope to resist but I can only give in,

I fear that I will never win,

And the end of this tunnel is so far away,

I do not know if I can make it another day.

So here I sit, trapped in my tunnel.

I wore my Sunday best,
I am ready to shed this year.

I bore sorrows through eyes as yet unharmed,
I know better now.

I learned love and love learned me,
Now we sit hand in hand... most days.

I put myself into a box,
I pulled myself out again.

I have enjoyed it all,
As time turns everything golden.

Am I doing you justice, o 18th year?

I was told that 19 is an incredible age to be.

Now I am on its precipice.

I think I will jump with both feet first.

O Lord, my God
Would you consecrate my lungs such that the air I breathe be holy?
O Lord, my Savior
May each shuddering breath be yours; Divine.

O Lord, my God
Would you consecrate my throat such that the water I drink be wine?
O Lord, my Protector
May each desperate swallow be yours; Heaven.

O Lord, my God
Would you consecrate my palms such that the ones I touch be angels?
O Lord, my Guide
May each careful stroke be yours; Blessed.

O Lord, my God
Would you consecrate my soul such that my deeds be pure?
O Lord, my Shepherd
May each deliberate act be yours; Transcendent.

and here comes the rain
        
        it
        
drips
        down

the
       petals

leaving the damp contrails of its journey behind

       falling

ever
      so

slowly
        
almost achingly so
    
     it

still
     brings

life
    to

all
    it

touches

and despite the teary-eyed greenery it leaves behind

it makes the whole world

beautiful

Do you mind that I might seek you out?
I am not certain what this feeling is, this glowing fire that I have lit inside of myself.
Sometimes I hope that it might consume me entirely.
Yet I strike the match such that it burns just enough to pleasantly warm my thoughts.

Do you mind that I might think of you?
I am not certain why this feeling is, this divine light which I myself have cast upon you.
Sometimes I hope that it might fade into nothingness.
Yet I stoke the embers such that they may never turn cold.

Do you mind that I might wonder about you?
I am not certain how this feeling is, this burning sun which sets often and not at all.
Sometimes I hope that it may warm you as it does me.
Yet I stare into the flames such that they begin to fade without my intervention.

I sit at the base of a tree, and it is summer.

Here is gold streaming through the leaves, dappling the ground with sunspots.

I look past my boots into a pasture full of souls.

Here are Aesop's Fables by my side, drawing familiar faces close... or pushing them far.

I feel the warmth of this heaven before me.

Here are joys and tears and adventures both big and small.

I hear the sound of a river tangling and untangling itself among rocks and sediment.

Here is James Taylor reminding us that this old world must still be spinning 'round.

I know you are here with me, even though I do not know you well, I have not met you yet, and you are my best friend.

Here is my past and present and future, and I feel our first kiss and the secrets you kept safe and the night we lay on the rocks under the stars and the only time I remember you holding my hand and how loudly we sang in the car.

I will live here, I will die here.

Here is my happy place.

This is a contract!!
Why won’t you give me my end of the bargain?
Make me feel loved, make me feel beautiful.
To you, what am I but a distraction from your stress?

This is a contract!!
Why did you even sign it?
Give me your time, give me your concern.
To you, what am I but a friend?

This is a contract!!
Why won’t you fulfill it?
Offer me your care, offer me your words.
To me, you are wonderful.

Sometimes the mirror speaks to me.

Shh... listen closer

Can you hear?

Sometimes when I walk by, it speaks in tongues I once did not understand

But now I speak the language fluently.

‘Not good enough, not good enough.’

Sometimes when I speed past, it grabs me, shaking me urgently

I must know this information now, not later!

‘Look at yourself. Just look. What happened?’

And now it has me trained. I stop whenever I pass it, for I know it wishes to speak.

Sometimes I even talk back.

Sometimes I simply walk past.

Until it calls me again, declaring in its mocking tone:

’We need to have a talk.’

Here we lay, victims to a divine and unyielding power.
Yet in another land it is I who stands on the precipice.
I do not fear, I do not love, I do not long in this, my creation.

Here I lay, at peace in a world of my own making.
I may finally ascribe divinity to myself.
I do not hide, I do not reach, I do not withhold in this, my creation.

do you remember when i asked if i could kiss you?
it felt like the time i stood on that rocky ledge and couldn’t jump into the water below because it seemed so high.

do you remember when i told you i like you?
it felt like the first time i rode that roller coaster and made it over the biggest hill (without throwing up, too!)

do you remember when i asked you to lunch?
it felt like the time i took a deep breath and got in that rickety old plane just to jump out of it and soar through the clouds.

do you remember?

i do.

i feel nothing, but in the best way.

the absence of artificial asinine archaic and endlessly echoing internal emotions.

all is well here, all is well here.

i feel nothing; no worry.

this peaceful presence propagating powerful pleasantries within a quiet mind.

all is well here, all is well here.

i feel nothing; no longing.

the first fantastical hiatus from forceful fateful phantoms gripping at the heart.

i feel nothing; no anger.

this incredible introspective break with inimical irate iterations intruding upon this space.

all is well here, all is well here.

i feel nothing, but in the best way.

We had just met.
You told me that you were tired of your roommate,
So I came and saved you.
We sat in the stadium and talked.
The way the stars illuminated you was incredible.
The air felt electric and I never wanted it to end.
This evening I will not forget.

We had just started.
I told you that I was still nervous,
So you came and saved me.
We sat in the drive-through and laughed.
The way the lights touched you was magnificent.
The world felt okay and I never wanted it to end.
This evening I will not forget.

We had just begun.
We were both so certainly uncertain,
So we came and saved each other.
We sat in your room and smiled.
The way you were so close to me was overwhelming
The room felt so comforting and I never wanted it to end.
This evening I will not forget.

We had just confessed.
We were both so incredibly happy,
So we continued to love each other.
We sat in your car and listened.
The way you sang was beautiful.
The moment felt so transcendent and I never wanted it to end.
This evening I will not forget.

These evenings I will not forget.

do you remember the music?
cavernous halls swallowing us whole
i watched as the dancers climbed to the heights
the peaks, the sorrows of man which dwelt among us.

do you remember the feeling?
sonorous sensations surrounding us completely
i heard as the echoing sentiments sang so sweetly
the swells, the careful connections forged between us.

do you remember the music?
it is raging, the river, it is rising and we are together
we are together, we cannot be separated and here we are
sharing this moment sharing this time feverishly preparing
crescendoing into glorious, exalting infinity!

and now it is over.

but do you remember the music?

I have built unto you an empire,
Do not leave, I entreat;
Stay here for still longer.

These halls which I have made,
Dwell in them, I beg;
Remain here for some while.

I have built unto you a castle,
Do not depart; I urge;
Live here for such time.

These turrets which I have drawn,
Linger upon them, I beseech;
Rest here for this spell.

I am tired.
I am tired of being force-fed lullabies
By those who have forgotten how to sing them.
I feel as though I am immune
But what do I know?

I am tired.
I am tired of those who long to sleep being kept awake
By those who close their eyes easily every night.
They feel as thought they can carry on
But what do they know?

I am tired.
I am tired of wanting to protect those whose eyes are pink with exhaustion
But discovering that I, too, am wiping the sleep from my eyes.
They tell me I lie
But what do they know?

I am tired.
I am tired of saying that I will change,
That I will pull the blanket over those who have had it ripped from their grasp,
That I will sing the lullabies that have gone unsung for far too long,
That I will stay awake while others finally get the chance to sleep.
I tell myself I am wrong
But what do I know?

O, come now my brothers.

Come weep at the river that I myself have dredged.

The toil, no, the fruit of my labor is borne.

Unto you all who may reap its rewards.

O, come now brothers.

Your sweet notes I hear, crying out.

Watch as I slice myself open.

And turn the river red with blood.

somewhere in the past, I am looking on You for the first time.
You make me smile, and we walk for far too long.

somewhere in the past, my palms are sweaty for the first time.
Yours are too, and we laugh about it.

somewhere in the past, I am hearing You laugh for the first time.
You are so beautiful when you laugh, and it makes me happy.

somewhere in the past, You are holding me for the first time.
You are so comforting, and every time we're together, I don't let go.

somewhere in the past, we are falling in love for the first time.
You are everything, everything, everything, and I am obsessed.

somewhere in the past, we are watching our show entwined.
You are forever and ever and ever, and I am content.

somewhere in the past, we are planning our future.
You are in a wedding dress in Washington and Oregon and Colorado and I am so lucky.

somewhere in the past, we are still together.

I watched the roofs of the buildings
The turrets, spiraling
Fresh August.

I closed the window
The noise, overwhelming
Metallic singing.

I lay in the bed
The city, wailing
Blanketed shouting.

I woke in the morning
The ground, sinking
Unstable standing.

Nineteen revels at nineteen!
First, how can I be so old?
Second, how can I be so young?
And how can I possibly navigate the world?
Fourth, what if my inside doesn't match my outside?
Fifth, how do I ask for wisdom?
Sixth, not a question, but an enunciation: I am beautiful!
But what if I'm not beautiful?
Eighth, remember when I was eight?
Ninth, I'm not sure I do. But maybe I do.
Tenth, the next decade is coming for me soon!
Eleventh, I rather dread it.
And how do I handle loss?
Thirteenth, is thirteen unlucky?
Fourteenth, it doesn't seem so.
Fifteenth, I am the same distance from fifteen as I am from twenty-three.
Sixteenth, I've only been driving for three years.
Seventeenth, I've only been driving for three years?
But I feel so capable!
Nineteenth subsection a. the world is so large, so unknowable, and that is scary.
Nineteenth subsection b. I will revel in it.

When I grow old, I shall put seven cents in my pocket and give it to strangers.

I shall embark upon a journey and peddle soft, warm words that fill empty bellies and soothe tattered psyches.

I shall set up a travelling stand where the only currency we accept is memories, used and reused and sold bottled up fresh in old cans of soda.

I shall become known and unknown, even unknowable as I weave my way through threadbare mountains and ribboning streams and sing gentle songs with whatever words you’d like to hear.

I shall collect river rocks, smoothed with time and ancient expressions which I will attempt, futilely, to divine.

I shall carry all of my compliments in the stitches of my shawl and discard the insults on the ground, crumpled bits of refuse decaying in my wake, then pull my garment ever tighter such that the cruel litter may not reach me at all.

When I grow old, I shall find seven cents in my pocket given to me by a stranger.

The happiness falls like rain
Only to drip through my outstretched fingers
Turning to the inevitable, inimical, immutable mud of you.

I dredge through this monotony so often that it becomes routine
The muck which traps me so wholly feels natural
It flows like a river.

And then I remember you and I am frozen
The boulders which obstruct my path double in size
And I slip beneath your filth.

all it seems i can do
is focus on what wasn't
i didn't get to hold your hand or kiss you.

i wanted to watch you ski and hike the flatirons.
i wanted to meet your friends and family.
i wanted to last, at least for a little while.

all it seems i could do
was focus on what wasn't
i didn't get to take you out or touch your face.

i wanted to bring you to my mountains and tease you about yours.
i wanted to introduce you to my friends and family.
i wanted to last, at least for a little while.

all it seems i can do
is focus on what wasn't
i didn't get to tell you i love you or...

i didn't get to.

i just didn't get to.