The music beats like a trembling heart
like a baby bird, naked and ugly
fallen and trying to fly.
The pen scratches, my favorite one
spilling green blood
on the cheap white notebook's skin,
my immature secrets
into a listening ear.
I strain forward, to the east
incessantly
thinking of someone.
Maybe this obsession has gone far enough.
I thought it would fix me, be good
to think about someone else for a while.
But it was too much, in the end.
My best friend said, "A crutch
will only make you weaker.
And eventually, it will break."

Are you happy now? You always loved
being right.

I'm looking for someone
but I don't know how to phrase it

This week I will pull off the impossible
I will write the greatest cases ever written
I will pull up my GPA
turn in the greatest transcendentalism essay you'll ever read
finish my APUSH
pull off wonders in AP Chem.
Ah, the life of a student
in a highly competetive, tightly-knit arena
going for the win.

Little things like drama
and social tension
just seem to fade away when you reach out
higher, harder, faster
Research, speed drills, caffeine
Lose weight, forget to eat
Gain weight, forget to sleep
But I feel fantastic.
No more emo *******
finally, after too long, I am *passionate.

This is
me,
standing before the crowded room, exhausted, uncertain, offbeat
the sound of applause at my name
the face of my friend as I
step forward
look around
and begin.

This is
looking out over a group of 600 high schoolers below me
taking in a breath and feeling it liven my lungs
feeling tall and powerful and free
and home.

This is
awards ceremonies at one in the morning
standing on a stage before 600 people, stepping forward
hugging the friend who watched me read, striding up again
to take the prize for my team --
my family.

This is
realizing that some time in the last six hours I have fallen in love
with my opponent
as he steps forward to claim his prize

This is
smiling so hard my face hurts and hugging strangers and feeling okay
This is
reading poetry for a room of strangers
This is
realizing that my voice has not failed me.

All the poems I see are sad.
I hit shuffle for the hundredth time,
Hoping not to see the word "gone" or "pain" or "alone."
Once again, I am disappointed.
Yes, I get it.
We turn to poetry when our souls are darkest
To release our insecurities under anonymity
To see the yellow lightning bolt shouting,
"Someone cares!"
Into your darkness.
And this is all right.

But there is also joy in this earth.
There are weird moments when I feel happy
Even though I don't have a boyfriend
And my best friend isn't talking to me
And it's grey and bleak outside.
In these moments of inexplicable happiness,
There is just as much poetry
As there is in the moments
Of inexplicable sorrow.

No more nostalgia!
I will not sleep tonight
There's too many books to read
Too many friends to make
To many things to say and regret
And make up for
Before I die
Or grow up
I am flying down the steel tracks of my life
At a thousand miles an hour
Memorizing speeches and vocabulary words
Hugging strangers
And being me.
There is no time to hang off the end of the caboose
And stare at the things I didn't see earlier.
I want to stand with my arms out,
Feeling the wind wash me away.

When not being sad makes you confused
You're doing it wrong.
Let yourself be happy
Give yourself permission
To define yourself now
Instead of trying to figure out who you are
By what you have done.

I don't have an answer to the question
"Who am I?"
Right now.
But I don't care, because for now
I am free.

Humans are weird things.
They’ll do anything
say anything
trust anyone
just to believe they can change.
From what I've seen,
no one is truly happy with who they are.
And why should they be?
We’re only human, and that means
fallible.
Inconstant.

But still, they cast around
for something greater
brighter
more perfect —
a king, a country, a God --  
to make them better.
And every time I look at humanity
in dismay
and lose hope in their goodness,
I also see the way they reach for the sky,
through song and art and love,
the way they aspire for new beginnings.

And I find hope again.

Happy New Year.