I’d rather go up up up
than deal with myself.

I’d rather be on cloud nine all the time
than sit here, lay here, wanting to die.

I want to be up in the stars
gazing and wishing for things that are ours.

I’d rather go up up up
than deal with myself.

I can’t help but
want to be
where it’s raining.
Right now.

I can’t help but wonder
how you’ll dance,
oh how you’ll dance with her.

And I can’t help it,
but desire fills me
when I see you.

I needed someone safe,
like springtime.

I fell in love with you,
summer rain, summer dew.

I fell like leaves in autumn,
pieces of my heart, you caught em.

My cold tears had fallen like snow,
I really loved you but it’s time to let go.

Please hold me
close to your chest.

Let me hear your heartbeat,
you do the rest.

Wrap your arms around me
in a super kind of hug.

Rub my aching shoulders,
the ones that shrug.

Please just hold me
is that too much to ask?

Hold me and let me,
let me be your only task.

“I would never leave someone so amazing”

You already did,
when you left him,

only for me to catch him
     and never want to let go.

tears landing
too softly
on the pillow.

music, background noise,
because silence
provokes my deadly thoughts.

as I cry myself to sleep,
still, I think of you.
I try to imagine your voice.

it’s much better than my lullaby

She had hoped to never see me again.
Yet
Here I go.

Wednesday,
I get to see my shrink.

when I was little,
we had blue carpet in the living room.

it was soft and almost deep,
like a sea to a 4 year old.

I loved it.
but as with all good things apparently,
it had to go.

when i was a clumsy toddler
of course you caught me when i fell.

when i had grown a little,
i remember well,
you held onto me while we slept,
so i wouldn't fall off of the couch to the blue carpet.

now, as I'm older,
you don't catch me as much.
Thank you for not always catching me when i fall,
but rather helping me pull myself back up to stand when i land.

i think that's maybe more important.

I remember
sitting in the
Green! grass with you.

I remember laughing,
tumbling,
falling into your arms.

I remember falling too
often, only to have you
catch me.

I remember the nights that
my curtains looked
like mean old monsters
so you let me sleep with you
and your wife, comfortably
between your talking pillows.

I remember you watching over me,
letting me explore and live,
as I so shamelessly do.

You're still there for me,
but in this way, it's different.

Now you're there, thirty minutes away.
Now you're there to see me off to my first dance,
from another man's house, and only because you had driven
yourself there.

You're not there anymore and it isn't your fault.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy with how our lives have turned out, but I can't help but wonder what life would be like to come home to just Mom and Dad.

trace my spine.
crash your lips upon mine.

take me away,
darling so divine.

break that clock,
we don't need the time.

for a moment, a second,
you are all mine.

there are more than 100 Billion stars

and yet

you shine brighter than them all.

I take photos so often
         that
people often chastise me for it.

click

But who am I to blame,
when the sunset is
way more colorful
than my darkest nights?

Who are you to chastise me
for wanting a bit
of this beautiful moment,
selfishly, for my own?

click

I need more film.

spooning, the perfect lay.
legs criss-crossed, overlapped
     in every which way.

lonely, but comforting
tip tapping and
warmth from the laptop.

the latter, that's reality.

I'm only typing this

because the sound of the keyboard

is soothing to me.

aren't you lovely?
Except, I already know what
you'll say.
You'll deny what I tell you.

Maybe you're humble,
too kind.
Or maybe you just
have stardust in your eye.

tip tap tapping of a keyboard,
       hours better spent.

her mother's dad told her to go,
       so there she went.

so lovely and eager to please,
       sacrifices ((time with her son.))

a beautiful woman and mama
      simply working to hear "well done."

As I sat in the cold hospital gown today, I couldn't.
As I sit, now, in a comfortable curl, I still cannot.

It'll come, in time, as most things do.

All I want to do
is talk to you.

but I have to scold myself
because

I know it’s no good.

All of these love poems

they’re all for the same person.

That person has three initials.

Just as most do.

Shhhh, lovely it’s you.

I can’t speak these words to you.
I’ve tried.

I love you so much and


I’m terrified.

I honestly feel like being dead.

A death, like sleep.
Clouds!! to rest my wary head.

Yes, myself I want to ****,
none of you want to hear that, but still.

Sweet nothings whispered in my ear,
perfect things we’ll only hear.

          W a r m t h
so much warmth, legs tangled together and arms wrapped ‘round. I’m high enough now, can’t touch the ground.

Take me to places I’ve never been before,
you give me love, I’ll give you more.

Moonlit dances under the stars
nighttime love that’s purely ours.

Love me like the rain,
dance with me, make it go away, the pain.

Hold me sweetheart, in the calm, in storm
only you can keep me warm.

caress me.
run your rough hands up and down my body.
kiss my full lips, absolute bliss.
pull me impossibly closer and stare into my eyes.
smirk and say things, only for me, under your breath.
grab onto me and pull me around, swaying me in a dance of lust of our own.
steam and passion on ragged breaths that are few and far between.


then.

hold me close.
whisper “I love you”s and sweet nothings into my ear.
sleepy smiles that no one will see because it’s too comfortably dark.
wrap your arms around me, protect me, keep me warm like only you can.

please
love me.

He’s simply the beat,
or is that my own heart?

He’s my music,
stuck in a trance.
         He is my music.
          Oh how I love to dance.

Swaying my hips to and fro,
he is my happy and I want him to know.

I thought that I’d never not apologize,
or hate myself through countless cries.

But now!!
I find myself thanking you for making me strong. For helping me move on.

I will no longer apologize.

All around me there are pieces of forever.
But I like to stay clear of those (they scare me).

Surrounding me are rays of morning sun,
reflecting themselves upon the morning dew.
((Not enough for you)).

For us, we have patches of midnight.
No pieces of forever. No morning sun.
We love in the darkness,
the quiet, with only crickets to chirp stories.

We love at the beginning of every new,
we love at midnight before morning dew.
We love with the moon, smiling in the sky.
We love with the stars, gracing the night.

Patches of midnight are special you see,
patches of midnight for you and for me.

I will never be enough for you.
No matter how sad that is,
it’s really true.
You’ll keep going back,
running fast,
setting hearts under attack.
No, I’ll never be enough for you.
I’ll never have her eyes, the deep ocean blue.
Mine will always be brown,
I’m sorry that’s not enough for you.
I’ll never treat you like she has
and I’ll never intentionally make you feel bad.
Yet, I’m not enough for you.
You keep playing my heart strings like a violin,
everything starts to go great,
but it always falls apart again.

Too bad I’ll never be enough for you.