liquid
substance

rocks
substance

smoke
substance

can’t remember
substance

which substance?

abuse
abuser
abusie

abooozie
*****
abuse

fill up my cup
abuse

fill up my pipe
abuse

fill up my syringe
abuse

fill up my veins
abuse

fill up my heart til it’s beating hard enough for me to feel alive
abuse

feed the mermaid in my kneecaps with glitter liquid
abuse

any kind
abuse

to make me forget
abuse

just want to use
abuse

to make me forget the pain
when he lays hands on me
lays his own
abuse
on me

someone once told me, substance abusers are weak
face your problems head on
why do you need to see stars before you wake up
why is coke your coffee
why is whiskey your orange juice
why is **** your pancakes

and I say
if I am weak
then how come I can cling onto the clouds

perhaps, if I could live to be 1000 years old
I will have clinged to the clouds long enough for them to get sick of me

but for now, those clouds are my demons
and I’ve never loved the color red
so much

your moustache is ******* disgusting. do us all a favor and get rid of that ****

2. your “I don’t date” **** gets old really quickly. you’re not “avant garde”, you’re just a ***** who hides his feelings. good luck with that in the future.
3. *** is not an obligation. my body is not a commodity. I do not owe you a *******. my lips are sacred, my tongue is a queen, my ***** is a ******* throne. your peasent ***, is not near worthy

4. you can not buy happiness. unfortunately your daddy taught you at a young age that a new car can fix any problem. unlike you, when I’m 40, ill be earning just enough to get by, but won’t need gin to fill the gaping hole which your money can’t fill

5. karma, is a *****. in fact, karma is the biggest ***** you will ever meet. 

6. I am not weak because of my depression. I am not weak because of my sobriety. in fact, my sobriety is the reason my depression is gone, it is the reason my wrists are clean, it is the reason the train tracks I had on my arms have faded to a weird looking tan line.

7. I loved you. 

8. loved. past tense.
9. I thank you. you have rid me of darkness. you have emptied me of hate. you have filled me with nothing but the sweet, sweet taste on my tongue from cursing your name.

10. you will never, find anyone who will treat you as good as I did. I opened my fists for you. I let the flies that were lodged between my fingers free. I made you laugh. *******, did I make you laugh. 
11. you made Chicago my favorite city. the wind whispers your name at every moment and I’m forever reminded of the person I left behind. 

12. I memorized your lips like the keyboard I type on.

I’m forever wondering if you bothered to memorize mine.

I want to have dipped my fingertips into eternity and fingerpainted my heart with it.
2. I want to have shoved my fingers down my throat enough times to rid myself of self-hatred.
3. I want to nail the palms of my hands to the Big Dipper. I want to sleep among the stars, and allow their light to cover me like thick blankets. I'd like to learn the simplicity of the galaxy's effortless beauty.
4. I would like to create a vaccination to save children from the growing plague we call "adulthood."
5. I would like to create a vaccination to save adults from it, too.
6. I want to fill syringe after syringe with glitterglue and stab them so far into my veins that my heart becomes a disco ball.
7. I want to become the temple that you come to to pray.
8. I want to become what I will be without fighting to the finish line, and I want a canopy of fireflies hanging from the bone of my skull.
9. I want you to tell me that you are in love with my ears, so I can cut one off, become Vincent Van Gogh and make you miss my ear like I miss the twinkle in your eyes when you tell me you love me.
10. I want every freckle on my skin to become small islands you can lose yourself on.
11. I want to change the views on "skinny" and "fat" and remind the girl made of only bone that once upon a time I was made of only bone too. Then, I found cupcakes.
12. I want to spin the world upside down and yell "Look ma! No happiness!"
13. I want to pass on my DNA and create something that I am actually proud of for once.
14. I want to make my life worth more than just a poem, or a picture, or a forgotten memory.
15. I want to stop the hands on a clock from ticking past midnight to preserve the saying "There's always tomorrow!", because once that clock strikes twelve another tomorrow will be gone.
16. Most importantly, I want to have filled the hole in me with something other than ***.

And I want to fill the hole in you with something other than half-fulfilled broken dreams.

your obsession with your hair
2. the optical illusion that water looks solid but is really not
3. the sunrise
4. the pitch black of night
5. ice water
6. beautiful black girls
7. autistic children
8. a good beat
9. the number 9
10. the color grey
11. spelling grey as "grey" not "gray"
12. the smell of schools
13. stars
14. floating in water without getting wet (air mattresses, boats, etc.)
15. the cold comfort of the night
16. my laptop
17. a deep conversation with someone who understands
18. chemistry
19. simply sweet style
20. cool sneakers

So here I am.
    Within your heartstrings.
     I like to think I flow through your mind like blood flowing through your superior vena cava.

Constant;
And non-chalant.

And there you are.
                    Rolling and rolling and tumbling around the empty train station in my mind.

Like a tumble ****.
Where did you come from?
Were you ever really mine?

What is the color of my eyes?

Grey, like the clouds.
At least that's what they tell me.

But you aren't here very often and only sometimes do you come around with your talent of using words to your advantage even though I'm the only person who sees through your fake persona and too long brown lucious hair.

But this one's for you.

Just like the one I wrote when I first started but that was a different story.
That had a different meaning.
A different message.

That one said;

"I love you."

This one says;

"I still do."

we were just small children so we didn’t quite understand what father meant when he said

“mother is sad”

we continued our games and make believe stories and waited for mother to be happy

and when we were young, sad just meant someone stepped on your picture

or they ruined your sand castle


and in 2 seconds it was over

the deeper I fall into my depression I find my mother
I find her ghouls and her ghosts
her corpses

I find her dark eyes in my dark eyes every time I look in the mirror
and I find her hatred for everything, including me

I find new ways to torture myself
my mother

“you have your mothers eyes”


we also have the same disease

the only difference is, her demons won
mine don’t stand a chance