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I wanted to do everything
with you so I could pretend that
I hadn't already

I thought
it would fix me
but that's not how things work

I was still sad when
you touched me
Probably because
I didn't even feel it
and
when you told me
that you loved me
I heard your voice
crack
it's 3a.m. now and
I keep saying to myself
this is just how things work
There was no preparation
certainly no expectation

The airbag skid against
my skin, burning exposed chunks of flesh .

jagged pieces of glass shattered all around me.
carving and slashing into me

Overhead a streetlight sat unharmed almost
igniting the scene like a morbid film.

Crimson blood ran down my face
and flowed like a leaky faucet onto my lap


I think there’s something
about touching death
that makes you feel life
You only wear dark clothes when you're sad
now you're wearing black

My hands are the coldest you’ll ever hold
I think my heart is too

I’ll never be big
or small enough to fit in your arms
                                              I always kiss
   the wrong person goodnight

Now ask me how many times you kissed me
then how many times I actually felt something

          Maybe we are just  a lesson that
has gone unlearned
                        Or maybe I just don't know how to end this.
He is blank stares
soft hellos and
simple strugs

He is the freedom you feel
watching a sunset in mid July

He is your favorite cup of coffee in
an empty shop half past two

He is the prayers you say
before you sleep and
secret you couldn’t keep

He is your hopes and dreams
of getting the hell out of here

He is chaos that is grasping
for order
and the anchor that makes things
sink

He is an unmarked grave
in a cemetery full of headstones
and all of the things at
the bottom of the ocean

He is a room
filled with dusty books
that you will never be able
to read
and the other side of the
crescent moon

I guess some things
you just can’t explain
I’m seventeen now
and I miss my dad
My hands are always cold
I miss your hands
I am terrified that you’ll
find something missing in me
that you loved in her
I feel the flower
you left on your dresser
it wilted years ago
I can’t stop staring at
the shadows on
his bedroom walls
because I take advantage of
the way people feel about me
I don’t want to be
another version of myself
I want you to tell me
you really hate me
because I do too
I can't control the things
that I need to change
and everything I have said
since my thirteenth birthday
sounds like "I'm sorry"
I hate that my silence
is too loud
for you

— The End —