I like riding the bus at 8:00 am
when the windows are foggy
(I only ride in the back, on the first floor)
I thought about your birthday
coming up
I've been shivering
I can't tell if you passed through me
like a ghost, again
or if its the AC blaring on my legs
or the man's fingers I'm pressed into
I like riding the bus at 8:00 am
but I still squeeze my eyes closed at the train tracks
the AC gets a little less bearable

I know you better than anyone
so why don't I know you at all?
blonde wisps of hair used to fall into your eyes
almost transparent, angelic
now your roots are brown
and your hair falls in messy spirals away from your forehead
out of the way
I can see the blue in your eyes and it scares me
you used to look at me so tenderly
we thought about distance and the space between us
you asked me about everything
now I see exhaustion in your features
it is not the lack of sleep
I know you better than anyone
so why don't I know you at all?

I'm staring at a dead flower
I won't throw it away
It's still bright yellow
only the edges are tainted brown
and it's delicate petals are
floating in murky water and
the leaves are greying
and crumpled
the stem dripping over the rim
of the vase, pathetic
I won't let it die
come back come back please

I had a moment
I let my head rest on a cheap cotton sweater
I watched clouds shaped like pigs and birds
and I let you draw patterns on my arms
on my knees

I let ***** ***** sand
get caught in between my toes
big pebbles finding their way in between
the soles of my shoes and the bottoms of my feet
the rain water pouring down my shirt
hugging you hugging you

your cigarette smoke in my face

I sat on the blue upholstery
bleary eyes and messy haired
cool air blowing on my legs
my shoulders
thinking about the future and
asking for his number

big red fleece
big yellow wind-breaker, no hood

I only thought about you twice
maybe three times

I am ALIVE alive alive a li ve
I am stepping on dewey grass
and my hairs on my arm stand up
if I'm out past 6pm

I am screaming for you in my sleep
i know because little parts of my heart
break off and float out through my nose
and into your bedroom
but you toss and turn and
your comforter forms a little shield
and my heart pieces go to die

i am so very alive
I have short hair and short legs
and a big big crooked nose and
all of these things make me alive
and I am breathing in and out
and with each breath i am saying
come back im sorry I am saying
i didnt do anything but im sorry
i am saying it's just like last time
i am saying oh well

i will launch my heart pieces
in every direction and hope
and hope and hope
someone opens up their blankets
and lets me come in
with a brief little mumble and
an arm wrapped around my waist
"assert yourself"

I                 you                   if
have          are                     I
seen           so                      could
my            destructive        I'd
sister          you                   rip
be              have                  your
called        no                      filthy
every        self                     hands
ugly         control               away
name       I                          from
in             saw                     her
the           the                      beautiful
book        switch                image

it is okay not to have plans
it's okay you have spent m
any nights lone before toni
ght do not cry not now he
didn't notice a change but
it is there is is a glowing em
ber and when you cut off th
tips of your hair you cut off
a little tiny bit of desperation
i mean it you look better i m
ean it the change is there and
it is okay to acknowledge it a
lone it your bedroom it is oka
y to steal a beer from the lock
ed pantry and drink it alone a
nd toast yourself it is okay to h
ug yourself and laugh to yours
elf you're still ADMI R A B L E