I once had a man in my life
who told me I wasn't hungry
while I was starving
and that I should be a little more fortunate
and think about those who have nothing
while I'm throwing up and throwing away
the one thing we need to survive

but I don't think he understood
how much pressure he put on me
to look the part and act it, too
I guess he never knew
how hard it was for me to hear
that I wasn't hungry, I just "wanted" food
when it was very much the opposite.

I've had people in the past
who i could call my friends
and people who I truly thought would be there
but it's different with you
you know me just as I know myself
and I know you more than you think I do
I sit and watch as you feel the same feelings
think the same thoughts
and look at people the same way
that I know I do
and it scares me
because I would never wish upon anyone
what has been done to me
but I'll never leave you
like you're just so used to
and I hope you'll stay
and we can fight together
this incliment weather

there's a certain comfort
in knowing that you'll fall again
back into that same body and mind
but now, having more wisdom

because now you know the tricks
you know how to maneuver through
the darkest recesses of  your mind
and everyone else's, for that matter.

you could scream
or talk
or whisper
but just remember

just because you whisper the words
does not make them any less painful to say
you're falling.

You have broken every thing in my heart
and you continually break it everyday you exist
you have stolen from me
so many experiences and memories that
could have been different
had you not killed the hope I hung on to
like it was my last breath

you've given me so much pain
that I have to hide from everyday
so that you don't think yourself important
because you certainly lack modesty

you are not allowed to hurt me
you are not allowed to break my heart anymore
and mess with my head
or bring yourself joy from watching me suffer
endlessly over you and your twisted words
that haunt me every day you pretend
like you didn't do a **** thing

I'm telling you
I'm screaming it in your ear
I want you out of my life

you will not ruin the one thing I have
that makes all the pain you caused me
blow away and the one person who
lights up my eyes everyday I'm alive
you will not ruin this for me,
like you've ruined everything else

they come from a place within us that is plagued with hate
where favorite words are worst nightmares
and torturing becomes a daily routine

they bring you here to make you feel
like there is no one else who can save you now
because here, you have no god
and even if you did, he won't save you anymore

you'll dig inside to try and find what you did wrong
but all you'll find is confusion, regrets and ambiguity
you're walking in circles
digging yourself a grave
all the way to the core of the earth
where you swore to yourself that when you're rotting and burning

this will all end

I'll never get over this bitter taste
in the back of my mouth
and the slight burning in my throat
how uncomfortable it feels
and how I hate it when it's there

but when it's gone
I want to feel the slightly off feeling
of having a dull razor stuck in my throat
and acid to wash it down

so I make my way to the toilet
to rid myself of this extra weight
and feel what I've been dying to feel

it's not about losing weight

How the hell could you pick me out of a crowd
and notice my crooked hairline
my slightly larger right eye
the scars on my arms
and call them perfectly beautiful
when all I can see are imperfections
that disgust me in the most painful of ways
because that's me, an imperfection
sadness written in bruises
and you know you can't fix it
but you're willing to try
but I promise one of us will get our hearts broken
because I'll ask you to stay forever
and you can't deal with it

I know that I'm just another passerby
but I have a letter shoved away in my pocket
that is filled with sorrows, regrets, apologies
so I can leave in peace
with someone to know that I was alone
I want everyone to know that I've been abused
by the simple fact that you never said hello
when I needed it the most

every word pushing me closer to the edge
literally being pushed to the edge
of the earth, to my limits, to the grave
and all I can see are low faces
stuck in a useless routine
of living in a filthy world
where we grew up, and learned to be bitter
and ignore the girls who are being pushed to the edge
with a letter in their pocket that screams
"WHY DOESN'T ANYONE NOTICE ME?"
until it's gone to far
and it's all gone

today
I washed away my sorrows
my deepest inner part
to concrete

my eyes were in tears
my stomach turning
my throat burning
my nose running
and a disgusting scent
rotting away in my mouth

but I couldn't help but notice
a lifted weight
a dizzy high
a strange goodbye
to time passing by

as my weight dropped
and all I could do is sit back and watch
as I slowly killed myself
and enjoyed it

This is nobody's fault but my own
and that's the part that scares me
I don't have a story
where I list my triggers
and where it all began
with who
doing what
when
because it wasn't an exact time or place
when I started to see me as too big
and the world, too small
now I'm left to die with a vision
of watching my stomach
rise and fall

Maybe it's the smell of the air
or the stars in the sky
that remind me of those nights
we're you'd ponder life's greatest mysteries
with your 7 year old daughter
and how I'd admire your faith in me
to comprehend the demons of your mind
because one day, they would become mine, too

Or how the wind blows in my face
on a cold winter night and there was something
special about that feeling
because you felt it too

Later we'd spend all day
up on a mountain
by the waterfall
with nature surrounding us
maybe it was the sound of the water
or the feeling of standing on the edge of the cliff
that brought me right back to those days

and how I miss every second

but you left
and now I hate that all I see
is you
when I look in the mirror
or when I think
or when I breathe
or when I cry
or speak

because I can't talk to you, still
without every one of these feelings
rushing back

I don't think, at least
that you think about me
when I'm all alone
spilling out the secrets
that I've hid for the past few months
because I'm supposed to be
new and improved
when I'm really just
stuck in a rut
thinking about what it would be like
to go back in time
and change my mind
I'm really just broken glass
that have footprints imprinted
on the surface of my world
because everyone fails to see
that I am still broken glass
holding up the world
and you
like all the others
walk on my glass
and fail to notice a crack

we're selfish creatures
in a superhuman world
where we **** what we need
in order to succeed

we live by standards
that god cannot touch
where we fail to find
the secrets of our mind

there's so much we don't understand
so much we can't comprehend
but we will pretend
that life isn't a dead end

and we'll do whatever it takes
to get ahead of the game and realize
that mankind
is a world behind
and we're just so inclined
to staying utterly blind

Crowded here
looking through the peep-holes
thinking about
which one of us will get out
like an arcade game
where his mind chooses
like a crane
which one of us he'll let out next
We know we won't be going home
but anywhere is better than here
stuck with the rest of them
left to deteriorate

I've been trying to make it home
but I just can't seem to go
He keeps me here
and makes me fear
the thought that I will grow

The magic is enticing
my heart will never rest
Never will I grow up
this is innocence at best
But is this really innocent?
Am I only just a kid?
I'm hoping for a release from
the world in which I hid.

In this little paradise
away from aging and time
because growing up is not that easy
when the future doesn't shine

So I stay in Neverland  
where happy thoughts will spread
But isn't it a shame
that this all became
just a thought passing through my head

Sometimes I think that we are more than just
blood pumping, eating, sleeping, repeating

I like to think that we’re here for another purpose
other than to just run the motions and ignore the fact that we are just
brittle bones, empty hearts, tired souls, forgotten woes

Understanding is difficult
accepting it is worse
so we settle on contentment
and call it happiness

My heart cracks
my mind melts
my bones shake
all for a love
that will never be seen

my love is all yours
so it could never be mine

but as I feel
emotions like bugs
rip apart my skin and crawl out
in angry patterns
make me weak

I realize that I need a love
that can be all mine

He told me things that you tell me too
How am I supposed to believe you?

I'm small
in comparison
to the love you carry

but i'll never feel its full weight
just like I never felt his.

My problem
is that he, and you
and everyone
feel all of me
all at once
with full force

I give my love away
without asking for any in return

I’m so insignificant
and i’m not new to this feeling

it doesn’t hurt anymore
i’ve grown
used to
fond
and understanding

of feeling like i am nothing

The air is thick
black with smoke
poisoning my lungs
and it's all my fault.

I lit the match
and fueled the fire
for my own selfish thoughts
I am helpless now
moments after it's all burnt down

my lesson--
putting ice on a burn
hurts less than dying of the pain

I forgot my place
so I wandered
and found that
I was searching for
what didn't matter

Not crazy, just confused.
Not ill, just broken.

Everyone's getting better
I'm getting bitter
and I'll be gone by the dead of winter
Dead in winter
Cold heart, cold blood
and I'm running out of time,
Running from my mind
Nothing makes sense
and they couldn't possibly understand
that the winter is home
to just another winter girl.

I cried for you
I tried for you
I lied for you
I'd side with you
Decide for you
Confide in you
Provide for you
Misguided by you
Collided with you
Subsided because of you,
I died for you.

She was just a sad girl
who wanted to change the world.
She pulled from within
the courage and strength she was gifted
until her vitality ran dry
and she no longer felt strong.
She was told the mountains were too high
the jumps, too wide
the people, too numb
the world, too big.
The sad girl who could have changed the world,
let the world change her.

My body is made up of tiny building blocks
stacked together tightly by those who don't want to see me fall.
But my mind sings words that my heart is too afraid to hear
and as I start to sway, the wind hums
with the rhythm that my mind is playing
my blocks shake and the ones who built me try to silence the music
by shoving magic pills down my throat like I'm some fairy tale.
Late at night when the world sleeps,
my music plays softly through the iron bars in which it is caged in.
I start to dance again and I am finally myself.
But my music is nails on a chalk board.
Angry now, rattling my bones
The blocks fall out of place
with every movement and I feel alive.
I remove my blocks one by one
and I lose myself
My music no longer sounds beautiful
because nothing is beautiful anymore
as my body crumbles
and I realize that my dream,
my paradise,
was a nightmare.

Holding it together
was easy when I was with you.
Falling apart
was easier when I was alone.
There was no one
to keep secrets from
except myself
and if I can't trust myself,
I have no one;
And falling apart
is easier when no one
is around to pick up the pieces
Not even yourself

deep, dark, all alone
the ocean swallows nightmares
and catches your dreams

endless wishes lost
to a demon in disguise
closing in on hope

your ocean, so pure
a beautiful suicide
i failed to notice

the ocean lied, now
you're deep, dark, all alone
consumed by the sea

Diamond beads roll off my skin
Sweaty hands and age old gin
Sunshine pupils in candy eyes,
Crying gumdrops and sugarcoated lies.
Raindrops on my fingertips
Poison blood on broken lips
Black and blue painted thick
Cheeks flushed red; a simple trick
**** yourself but stay alive
On your rotting soul they'll thrive.
The shadows of forgotten thoughts,
Who rap themselves around your heart
And suffocate the breath you wished was gone
Turned my sunshine into war

I don't feel better anymore.

She was alive.
Heart racing, blood pumping, chest pounding
You would never know that she was
mind breaking, stomach turning, happiness fleeting.

She was hanging by a thread
expecting anyone to part it
She held on with all of her might
and pushed away those who made her feel vulnerable

But he stayed and he saw
that the cord she thought held her world together
actually prevented her from getting better.

She held onto burdens
like she held onto her thread
and she would swing
and it would suffice.

He sat and he watched as she cried
and screamed and shook
Because one day
the cord rapped tightly around her neck

"Independent and strong,"
she thought.

But she reluctantly called out for help
and he jumped.

The thread snapped and they both fell
together.
She let go
and so did her hurt.

She was alive.

Please don't try to tell me that my love is not enough
And please don't try to save me, I am too broken to touch

My shattered glass is poison to your complex hopes and dreams
When you try to comfort me, I'll place you somewhere in between

My smile drifts like butterflies looking into weary skies
You give me happy lullabies, and I give you my tired eyes

You bloom like May flowers
While I rain down like April showers

Soon enough you'll get sick of the rain
And search for something sane.

I thought you and I'd fit together like a railroad and it's train
But your sunshine-sweet weather didn't fit well with my pain

What a shame our colors couldn't blend
But Black loved every shade of Blue until the end

And while I watched blue search for hours,
He'd never find a love like ours.

I dreamt of a life where I could float
Forever, aimlessly in a vortex of nothing
All alone
Where thoughts run their course
And make me weak.

It's harder to laugh than it is to cry
So I break down and release
The easy way out
And all the shadows crawl out slowly
Whispering words that, too, make me weak.
Silence falls and the world goes blank.
I wake up
And do it all again.

So close, yet so far
Every time I reach inside myself
To feel around for that small piece of hope
Thats growing like cancer throughout my body
I can feel it, aching to be shown off
But I search and I search and it can't be found
Am I looking hard enough?
Am I searching for that glimmer of hope?
Or am I searching for something very different
Like the hate and wickedness that engulfs my heart and gnaws at my bones
Easier to be found and easier to accept
What I want, not what I need.
But how could dark over-power the light?
I am dark
Dark like a new moon night
And dark enough to always shadow the light.
So I wait for the day
When the sun is shining
And so am i.

When I lie and I cry and I just want to die
and I'll say anything just to get by

When my heart grows weak and it hurts to speak
and I struggle to survive another week

When I'm kicked down
I learn to stay on the ground

I learn to keep my mouth shut
and speak through the cuts

My eyes sink in and my head will spin
from lack of the light but it seems far too bright
so I close my eyes and say my goodbyes

Life starts to fade out, that's what it's about

everyone dies, everyone cries, everyone lies
everyone's in disguise, all feeling demise

So we close our mind
because we're too scared to be blind.

We're afraid of the water at first glance
It's deep and cold
We know we can drown
I've learned to wade
rather than jump

Slow and steady
has made all the difference.

Weather like this
reminds me of a time
when it hurt to breathe

Weather like this
reminds me of giving up
when I couldn't live.

Sun shining
Wind blowing
Patches of grass showing
And my eyes watered over
from yesterdays heartache
of giving up
and a time when it hurt to breathe.

I'm cold, but getting warmer.

Cover me in colors
Light up my world
I'm not so strong anymore

Give me your love
I swear I won't let it fade
I don't feel so good anymore

I'm tied together with a kiss
But if you fade away
I won't be ok anymore

I'm sorry that I need you
I'm sorry that you don't care
I'm sorry that I'm coming undone

I can't help it anymore.

Haven't you heard of us?

We are the voices inside your head
We are the sadness in your chest
We are the feelings that you dread

We are the breath that you exhale on a cold winter morning
We are the hairs on the back of your neck
We are your lamentations; we are your mourning

We are the scratches on your walls
We are the evil in your mind
We are the darkness when night falls

We are the dizziness that you feel
We are the hunger pangs when you starve
We are what makes you feel unreal

We are your darkest nightmares
And your worst lies
We are your deepest secrets
And your most jagged cuts

We are everything you fear
We are what makes you curl up and cry
We are what makes you shiver

We are your screams
We are your tears
We are your friends
We are your enemies

Darling,

*We are you.

Four bottles of ***** and 10 cases of beer
And everyone's drinking for different reasons
And I'm alone
With all of my friends
don't you see them?
And I'm spinning
And I'm still drinking
And they grab me and pull me to the ground
And rip me open
And spiders crawl out
I lay there
*And I'm alone.

The monster crawled out from under your bed and embedded itself in your head.
Now you begin to see strange things, you shiver as the monster sings.
It's voice is eery, dark and sad,
it's plans are evil, sick and mad.
You try to run
you cannot hide,
you cry alone
teary eyed.
You're scared, you're helpless, you want to cry.
The monster torments until you die.
But tell me, honestly, what would you do?
What would you do if that monster was you?

The doors are open
you don't know how.
Why did I open my eyes
just to see you die
Why didn't I see it
Unfolding again?
Why didn't you stop me?
You saw me headed for disaster.

Why didn't you open your eyes?
And why did you let yourself die?
I knew that I'd gone too far
but I let myself fall too hard

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

I'd like to know if it was beyond my control
Why did I let you revert?
I just wanted to see you hurt.
But that masochistic state of mind
Is how I let myself die

How does it not hurt me
to cut my own skin and deprive my body?
Why am I sad that I woke up today?
On my death bed still wondering
how much I weigh

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

Back to start,
before I fell apart

Back to the start,
a beating heart.

Back to the start

If only I could just restart.

I didn't try to leave, but why would I stay?
I can't stand living here for another day.
If I'm trying to be different, then I'm pretty much the same
Everyone's trying to play that game.
I've got things to run from and things I haven't done
My friends are all gone and I'm sick of everyone

I've been getting jealous of butterflies
They can go anywhere with curious eyes
But then I've been thinking
And that wasn't wise
If they can go anywhere
Why can't I?

And I start to wonder if wonder is blind
And I wonder what I'm even trying to find
If all I'm trying to do is free my mind,
Then I guess I'm just another undefined eye.

I'll leave here before everything dies
Before I become the demon I've been trying to disguise
Because if I stay with all this mess
Then nothing changes
I'm still
Hopeless,
At best.

To love or to be loved is what is comes down to.
To skip another meal or to not feel real;
for them to whisper and have you know
or have them whisper and it be a secret.
To keep him or lose him
to love and amuse him or
to be stupid and not choose him.
Would it make a difference if my father didn't leave
or if my brother was good and my mother didn't grieve?
If the beats didn't hurt and the words were not true
If you saw everything straight and knew what to do.
If the mirrors didn't scream--If it were only a dream;
To love or to be loved is what it came down to.
Love yourself and be unloved and you'll never pull through.

You could blame it on how she got turned inside out
or you could blame it on who she was.
You could give her pill after pill and pray she's not ill,
but her mind will not subside.
She sees the doors dancing and hear the white noise
She hears suicide calls and it is not her own voice.
She either feels with no choice or feels nothing at all,
everyone knows, but they just watch her fall.
She hits the floor with a scream
still nobody hears.
She's been forced to go on
and swallow her fears.
But the voices drag on, and they all seem so loud--
reprimanding her for being avowed.
So feelings of hate and dread rush back in
the voices scream 'FAILURE', so she'll never win.
She's been told before that she was insane
but they took her away,
and nothing was the same.

Counting calories, telling lies
She'll keep this up until she dies.
Empty eyes, empty stomach, empty heart, empty mind;
What I've become is enough to drive myself mad
Empty, empty, empty. I'm nothing but sad.
So here it is girls, the rumors were true
I try so hard to be as skinny as you.
A monster, A *******, empty, empty girl;
I'm killing myself with my poor mental health.
Starving for beauty, beauty is pain
My head hurts so bad, I'm going insane.
Clutching my ribs, my thighs caving in
They were right--
Anorexia wins.