I am fainting
I am trying
My bones are showing
and I am dying

So before I take
My very last breathe
refer to my poem "The River"
And maybe then, I can rest.

I am broken
I am beaten down
Maybe now I..
am the one who cannot respond

Throw me this way
That way too
But I won't tell a soul
Because I love you

I wanted to start this off
With something I had in my head
…but once again
That is off and gone to bed

I will never forget
And before I can even speak it
The words you said

Oh  "Benadryl,
And a bottle of liquor! A hot bath…"
I’m getting sicker…
every day since

But here I am
Sitting…waiting…listening
Not because I need you (though I do so desperately)
So I can know you’re home safe and glistening

And he said….
You know what?

I
Am
Done
Writing
This
For
The likes of…
HIM

I have been destroyed
Beaten down
I don’t know what to do
Because before too long, I will too, drown.

Goodnight.

No.

Sitting here
Scared to death
Watching Suits
Just to calm my breath

Panic panic panic
I will not know
Till I *** on that stick
And if it’s negative…

“You need to pack your bags and go.”

Music education
My dream and I made it
But how can I do it
When my self worth falls down a stream

Stream of leaves
Stream my ***
Throw my food against the wall again
Tired of it…so feel my wrath

Grab me
Shake me
Throw me
Scream at me
...be the lover whose only other love knows who you aren't tired of and hopefully it's not me

…

Accept you will not face it

…

So I will continue
Starving
Fainting
Dying
Is that not what you wanted?

so let me die

The mother, so carefully
She planted her precious seed
A beauty of her own
With a life she wanted to lead

Slowly each day
The little girl grew
An old soul she was
And everyone knew

With each passing year
She flourished in the rain
She thrived in the sun
But the years brought pain

Her soft petals
Her sweet smell
Made her vulnerable
It was easy for them to tell

Easily neglected
Comfortably brought down
Her heart weakened
So she wilted and frowned

And turning to the rain
She hoped it would guide
She listened to it closely
But the rain also lied

Her mother watched
As her sweet flower grew cold
Her petals, they browned
And far too soon, she grew old

All she had ever wanted
Was to finally be free
Free to dance
And herself to be

The night began
All dressed up and ready to go
And the final step
Was where the night was to blow

He put on her favorite songs
And poured the first shot
It seemed after seven
Was where she forgot

Everyone has their own story
Seemingly they loved to share
But how do they know
When they weren’t even there?

She woke up alone
Cold, ***** on her bed
A swollen black eye
And a pounding dizzy head

From this day on
She’s had to pay the price
But she didn’t want any of this
The night was going so nice...

No one really cared
There’s not even a chance
Alone, cold, and scared
When she just wanted to dance

It’s a house
Yes.
And lately, finally, it’s home

Broken? maybe
Exhausted
Ruined
Beaten
Dead
What else?

But still, it is home.

And you, you’ve been my escape
From all the screams and tears
All the broken pieces

You became my home
To take me away from home

And just like my own,
We are now
Exhausted
Ruined
Beaten
Dead.

I could leave
But why...why would I

when all I have to do
is watch the setting sun in that backyard filled with sunny, mocking memories

when all I have to do
is run my fingers through your hair
and stare into the eyes that manipulated me for so long


And I’m at home

I shove those metal doors open
At the very moment I shove away my cares

I step out onto the pavement
and stand stunned
as the sun hits me in the face with a big hello

I kick off my beaten, off-white shoes
And run to the soft green grass
Scrunching it between my toes

I look up at the flag
I pledged to every day
And watch it wave in the wind
And I wave goodbye

And then
the car pulls up
inhale
exhale
cry
smile
sprint
jump in
laugh
scream
and burn out of there
Drive me away
Away from the end

Because this is the end I've been waiting for
To finally arrive at my beginning

Red

Oh sweet red wine
I love to feel you
Drip down my throat
Make me love the night

Liquor
You’re so harsh
Send my chest burning
Burn me
Until I can’t feel my skin

Until I can’t feel anything

Make me spin
Until I can’t see
Until I can’t see their face...

I don’t want to remember
Dear wine,
*****,
Tequila,
Whiskey,
***,

Whoever you are...
You’ll get the job done

Thank you for all that you do

Make me forget

I thought I knew....
Or at least I pretended to know,
Who you are.

Today, I woke up
To the sound of your mistakes
The beating and screaming
The laughing and sneering

The shock and disgust
Sends me running
Puking

But now...
Just let me in.
For the shock is over
And I’m ready to understand

Let me in.
Swallow me whole
Let me crawl
Under your skin
Never to breathe again

Let me swim
For God’s sake, let me drown
In your toxic blood
that has poisoned me for so long

And let me get lost
In the fog that crowds your mind
Never to see the light again

For I want to know
Every part of you
Even if it kills me

When the day has finally come
That I am kissed by death
Promise me one thing
As I take my last breath

Don’t let me waste away
Rotting into the earth...disgust
Burn me and set me to flames
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Spread me in the river
Where the water will always flow
Let it guide me through the land
And the world I used to know

Let my grave be the river
I promise it's for the best
Let me always be moving
for I never want to rest

And may you come back to the water
Should you ever miss me so much
Feel the river brush against your fingertips
And you will feel my touch

So you did what you did
And here we are
I am forever broken
And you seem so far

You want to heal my heart
The one you filled with hate
You want me back
But it’s far from too late

So the least you can do
Is just...this
Tell me about her
The one that you kissed

The one who gave you
Everything I could not
Is she really the reason
We always fought?

Tell me about her
What does she wear?
How does it feel
Running your fingers through her hair

Go ahead, you can tell me
How does she smile
Did she make you laugh?
Make you last for a good while?

How does it feel
Brushing her skin
Is it soft like mine
Does it hold passion within

Does she smell like flowers
Like you always said I do
Do you know her inside and out
Like I thought I knew you

Does she get excited
When a good song comes on
Do you actually sing with her
When she sings along?

Does she ever
Just want to dance
Did you actually dance with her?
Did you ever get the chance?

Does she burn holes through your eyes
When you make a dumb joke
Is her heart
One you ever would have broke?

Just one last question,
I promise its the last one I’ll ever ask you...

When you looked into her eyes,
Did you ever see me?
I’m sorry if I ever got in the way
Don’t worry now. You are free.

You may think I’m weird
For staring
Staring at the wall
The floor
Or that imaginary spot in the air

But I’m not

I’m watching something
Something so much more


A movie

A string of scenes
Of my life
Of what happened
What I wish happened
What I wish didn’t
What I dream will happen
What’s actually going to happen
What I want
What I need
What I’ll have
And what I won’t have

What I could’ve had
What I let go of
What was taken from me

What I’m left with

Left with nothing
Nothing to go for
Nothing to hold on to

I’m trying so hard
To look for something to grab
A reason to keep me hanging on

Keep me
Or I’ll should leave

Okay.

Here we go.
-
-
-
-



Yes.
I'll add them up.
Yes,
I'll check in
Every
Single
Day

Yes,
I'll force it out
When I've backed down
To get
"Back On Track"

And then
When I go too far
I'll put on
The cover ups
To hide
what's not there

So cold
So chilling
Was that room
Frigid to the bone
When exposed

So hot
So scalding
Was that water
Enough to smell burning skin
But it never seems hot enough
To burn away those memories

So dark
So confused
Shadows blended with the black
Is that cloud,
That one right there next to me,
Floating under the surface,
My burning hair
Or my blood

Every time this happens
I feel it
Right, here

Every time
What seems like a layer of warm linen
Grows over my heart

But I fear
Because the longer my heart's in there
It forgets
How to be exposed
Like before

And I fear that day
When all of this goes away
When all layers at a time
Are ripped apart
And there
Lays my exposed heart

What a shame it is
That I expect that day
But expecting the worst
Is the way

I watch.
And I stare,
I gaze upon you as the sunlight's
rays of gold,
Shine down on your ill, fair skin
And reveals the stark contrasted hills
Upon your cheeks

It pains me
As I ever so desire
To offer you the land
The soil
Through which you so greatly need
To thrive
And fill in the great distance
From the bottom to the top of your hills
But for now,
Exist
As much as you can
Under the sun's limited energy
As a fragile flower does

And it pains me so
To watch, as the months go by
And the castes shadows
Beneath your every bone
Sinks
And falls deeper into darkness

Willowy
So small
The non-existent
Kind of tall

Shadows
Of bone
Darkening
Her fair tone

Weak
Yet alive
Just enough sun
To thrive

For anything
I am there
You need me
You have my care

In no time
I give you my hand
No waiting around
I'll help you stand

But when I'm battling
Stuck in the black
Where are you
Please, come back

I just need a little
Help, I think
Pull me out
Before I sink

But you just say
"I don't know"
But, I know you do
So why so low?

Why won't you please
Please just try
I don't understand
You tear the tie

But...






I think...

I'll ask this crow.
This dark black bird
He'll know

He tells me
All I need
Drains my blood
Does the deed

He's tapped in
To my own head
I put him there
By the brain he is fed

This is what I have
Since you never tried
I brought him out
No longer will he hide

I know
I've made a mistake
gotten my hopes up
hope is so fake

I want it gone or else
it'll hurt so bad
want to **** hope
the hope that I had

but I will always have
it won't leave me alone
it's already taking me apart
if only I had known

you can't stab hope
hope can't be shot down
tried crying till it burns
but hope doesn't drown

no no, you have to wait
what a joke
hope only kills itself
hope will have a stroke

until then, it waits
feasts on your pain
eats you to the bone
sanity it will drain
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
hang in there
-
-

Walking with you
Through the grass
Just for a few
Before you pass

Though the sun's rays
I said I'd stay strong
Squinting eyes of tears
We only have so long

Would it be better
Not knowing you were to go
But it's too late
I already know

So now we walk
Last moments together
I'll be okay
You can't stay forever

But deep in your eyes
I watch them turn grey
Gripping your hands
As they slip away

Yeah, I'm fine
I will always tell you
Never believe me
It's the only lie that's true

I'm surrounded by light
I try to keep it on
But up in here
It's already off, it's gone

I never knew
It'd be this hard
Every time I'm alone
The wound is etched and scarred

I wish I could tell you
I don't think you know
The rip, it tears
Every time you go

I reach out
I'll go above and beyond
But it only pierces deeper
When you don't respond

But don't worry
No burden to you
This isn't your problem
I just wish you knew

For now, I keep my hands out
I'm capable of keeping control
Arms stretched fingers spread palms up
Waiting to be grabbed, by just one soul

But the longer I wait
The older time grows
I. Keep. Sinking. Down.
Where insanity shows