I think our world is inherently good.
But I acknowledge, somewhere between stardust and god, that things got a little messed up.
And I believe in angels both winged and upright
Ya see, some walk with two feet while others take flight.
Simultaneously, they are in this beautiful mess.
I call it a scarring fight

There's something effortless about lips stained with wine.
   Like a guilt-free, hall pass to unfiltered minds. My bartender poors liquid confidence into my challace of courage. It  soon shuts up my "almost" verbage. I think he's magic, he looks concerned at my face, but really I'm just staring in awe of the grace. It's nice to finally know how it feels to not hesitate.
  
There's something spiritual about long, interstate drives. The thinking that occurs is the lyrics on his mind. Sometimes I cry, often I scream, other times I laugh to feel, just for once, a little lightly. I drum on the wheel and hum with the bass. I know I've felt God, once or twice, on that **** interstate.

I hardly finish poems. I guess I like the idea of things lasting forever. This is why I can't burn bridges, so I leave it all to the weather. It's unrealistic, see this I am aware, but I've always liked pretending, for it keeps me less bare.

I’m the Romeo
You’re Juliet
Caging my Ragin’ heart
For two arrests
forcing me to choose
between poison and cigarettes
A tsunami of aquaphobiacs
Singing tides of lullabies
to insomniacs
while the bitter ******* drown in the river
Welcome to the clan of un-forgivers
I see junkies sitting in their stoops
racing with the clouds
and ole man Johnny riding his two wheel pick up
to make minimum wage working for privileged clowns
-we call them millennials-
Irony almost as similar
As a tsunami made up of aquaphobiacs
Or the tides singing lullabies to the insomniacs
before they drown in the river
Welcome to the clan of un-forgivers
Pouring rain
my umbrella broke
lightning strikes
I have metal bones  
Writing lines
my ink explodes
Sometimes we’re left to shiver
When we meet the clan of un-forgivers.

Your nature, overwhelming.
With the exception of your “Big Easy” vibes?
For now, let’s accredit it to your welcoming charm.
The one that told me it was normal to have a sleepless night.
You turn saxophones into soft lullabies
And celebrate a selective variety of anything.
You have alcoholic tendencies.
And privacy really is an illusion with you.
You do not have strangers.
Family is what makes sense.
You’re beautiful.
Unique.
Eccentric.
And blue.
You’re comfort.
Fun.
Inappropriate.
Sin.
You’re love.
Beautiful.


You are my sweet New Orleans.

Sandbags
weigh down the young lovers
they bloom every summer
like the magnolias

My compass
and your North Star
undiscovered
we plant our seeds
in the rich soil of kindness
in hopes it blooms for others
like the magnolias

The summer heat
only bearable
when you’re the mosquito
biting my veins
so they pump blood rapidly
when our green eyes meet
Every summer
my love blooms for you
like the magnolias

I would call this a virus,
Definitely something you don’t describe as alright..it’s
Infectious, unnecessarily a mess…it’s
That cold and rainy day you lock yourself out of the car
While the umbrella is locked in the house

You can no longer fathom being in this limbo land between those two shelters
Limbo: the type of nothingness that exists when there is no rooftop made of mom’s forehead kisses
You can’t allow the world to let you feel that type of cold again…so dismiss this
Because this world can make you feel whole again.
But I would still call this a virus

Because everyone contracts it at some point in their lifetime
But there are only a few who are purely mute about carrying it
Not seemingly aware of it
They infect multiple people, definitively uncaring for them
This virus is a fickle *****

Statistically there’s a 98.732% chance that it can make you feel like ****.
Oh wait
I didn’t admit to this
It’s the virus

It’s been attaching, penetrating and assembling in my brain
Preparing me to fit into this perfectly squared peg game of mundane *******
I am a ******* carrier of this mischief


I’m the ******* host
I am this virus
And I let the virus parasitically invade, like spreading almond butter on my toast
It seeps in the pores and spores of all living things
Hi, nice to meet you, I call myself a virus
****, wait sorry that wasn’t me  
Personifying the virus from it-to he-to him- ya see- he
He’s now attacking my bloodstream
Contacting old friends like a telephone ringing
He’s contracting old wounds, from old dooms, I used to cry about in my old room
-Like the memory of calling mom from my locked room when she was four states away, crying because I felt shame and blame, because Dad told me they only fight about me…I’m the reason for their divorce…but I’m only ******* 8-

Recalling that memory, now older, I know it wasn’t all it seemed to be
There’s an awareness you acquire when you feel close to our maker
The virus tries to push me in the other direction
But now, I can confidently say, my cuts don’t bleed on anything but paper 

Let’s still call him a virus (if you’d like)
And now I really don’t mind it
Because it is in all of us
It is in all of you

It CAN punch, bleed, hit, yell, keeping you sickly ill til your pride is crushed inside calling for help
Embrace and be aware of the fact that it is in you

With this virus
You must understand that being a carrier of this thing gives you 98.732% chance of making others feel like ****
But….
You better ******* choose to be
The 1.268% chance of the virus that won’t
Because the choice is yours

It’s going outside on a sunny day or staying in to feel the sluggish pain
Because sadness is sometimes comforting
Don’t do it anymore

We numb ourselves into perpetual delirium
With routine, fear, and small-minded bigotry
We allow ourselves to come accustom to the lack of exhilarating
We binge watch and binge drink ourselves into binge eating because
Life’s too boring without binge seeing through that dark tunnel

We have a ******* virus
It’s called perpetual delirium…
Some call it a euphoric glee
Only because that definition allows you to embrace your routine
Not hate the routine
See the difference between perception and reality?
And your next store neighbor tommy says its okay to cry yourself to sleep because he does it willingly
And what that means is that there is too much  
Comfort in numbers
Fact: unhappiness is less scary when everyone is feeling it
Fact: that is some unnecessary, humanistic behavior *******
Because we’re too weak to blame ourselves for creating it.
This unhappiness, this virus.
Are we fooling ourselves? We’re ******* psychotic
When will we wake up from this infectious disease?
You have the ability to wake up from this infectious disease
You’re the 1.268% of euphoric glee
I see it in your sparkling eyes

Wake yourself up from your perpetual delirium
Because you are the anecdote that cures any lack of equilibrium
In our universe.
I call it 1.268%-vaccination
1.268% of no medication.

People are looking
You are all looking at me
And I’m staring at you
Hoping
You gain something from this interaction
I assume you are happier than you lead yourself to believe-
So let yourselves believe and see those capabilities
Because
I, too, am fragile, hostile, accomplished, and mad
We’re inappropriate, seductive, obnoxious, and sad
You’ve got a heart of gold that weighs 1.268 ounces
And it’s the size of your iron fist
You are people
I am people
We are people
Let’s get out of this perpetual delirium
Because it’s a virus, and once you get it…the infection won’t miss.

She has a bowl of wintergreen mints next to her rocking chair
Ms. Maggie May rocked back and forth with each creak and squeak of that **** chair

When I got off the school bus
she motioned me over
And she said, "child I've noticed something about you"
"Yes Ms May?"
"You walk with your head held high and look every adult in the eyes..."
"Yes Ms May?"
"But you never walk home with the kids your age, I never really see you play?

"Leads me to wonder if you're okay
I've watched you grow and seen what your smiles can do to a room of miserable Alexander's and their horrible rainy days
But have you ever made yourself smile?

Oh child you take yourself so seriously
but oh so easy on the others around you
If you continue on this way I fear you won't remember how to be okay in this great big world of insane."

"Ms. May I don't understand what you're saying, momma always told me to be sweet to strangers"

"Yes child it's important to be kind and generous to others
But
Those muscles around your mouth
Those prescious lips
Those are yours"

"This is what you do:
Make others happy by simply being you but don't you dare smile unless the effort is personally true"

I took a handful of winter mints, and nodded "Yes Ms. May"

Jiving around this town
with **** curves
and
**** curls
we're moving around the globe
trying to keep up with our flashing lights
looking in mirrors
that never give us feedback
but we are constantly looking-
on a hunt
but I would like to call it an adventure
trying to make it fun
simplistically simple
we are
not what we say we are
but what we do
embrace these flashing lights
I want you to smile so big for the camera
it hurts
I want it to hurt for you to be this happy
it's quite simple
this life

Ya, I said you
Mr. One hundred and two
Experience bleeds from your scars
While wisdom falls from your youth

Listen, young ten
How many friends?
Are you sharing your toys?
Among everyone's win?

Hello, odd teen
How is the ****?
You have time to find yourself
Don't rash this thing.

Hi, "adult"
Is it all figured out?
Fake it til you make it
To fill your doubt

For us
  For you
For them
  it's four times the trouble
The shame
  it seeps within
We blame
  To play the game
But it never helps us win
  and sometimes I think
We have no idea
You have no idea
I have no idea

Today feels like a
No coffee
Rain drizzling on
My hair,
Frizzling
Mid September
No
Sept-somber
But not sad
Just tired
Kind of day.

Your sheets are calling you.
Go get some rest sweet child.

My friends,
today is the day!
Cast your nets into the sea
Let gravity pull you in the wrong direction
float freely with the worries of tomorrow
on yesterday's shoulders

My friends,
tonight is the night!
Dance between the stars of Hydra
Make your way to the north star
stop on the way
to say hello to your childhood fears

My friends,
this morning is THE morning!
The greatest of all mornings
(until tomorrow)
Take it by the jugular.

This is our universe.
Let us dance in it's glorious vastness!

This is not a hopeless love poem.
Are we mutual lovers?
do you wish, so very badly,
to be infected
by a love
so toxic
that it hurts?
I'm in love with feelings
and I'm in love with you (yes you)
Love is patient
*** is coming alive
but I need to know it's real
I need someone to teach me
This is not a hopeless love poem.

Humans are very adaptable creatures
We find a way to accept the chaos we live in
Tiny men, with blue ties and leather brief cases
Running around like chickens with their heads cut off
Just trying to keep their heads above water
Our hearts learn to beat at this rapid pace
Our threshold is compromised for the bubbling blood
That boils in a *** we call our veins
Our bodies are sacred
In a way that's not religious
In a way that's not respected
But we misuse
With tear and toil, we treat our limbs
Our muscles
Our pumping hearts
Like utter ****
Because that's what this world can do to you
But that's not what you can do for this world
You owe it to yourself to breathe.

No one ever knew
No one ever knew
No one ever knew
I called up the doctor
Told him to staple me up
I called up the doctor
Told me the stitches wouldn't be enough
Don't you see?
Your skin: sewn with fine thread
My skin: punctured with fine metal
Your thread has seeped in
And
My staple have fallen
But the doctor says I need stitches
But the prescription says my skin cannot handle it
I just want to hold you without falling apart.

They're safe. Now, you can come off duty. Put your guard down solider. If they come looking, direct them towards my innocence.

You're a blind man's      bluff - trying to hide from someone you've never seen. The garden is now bear, but I saved plenty from the spring.

I promise there's a heaven for the dead, imaginary friends. Sometimes the weather man lies - tomorrow won't always be gloomy. Two steps forward with the possibility of falling in.

You're a blind man's      bluff - trying to hide from someone you've never seen. The garden is now bear, but I saved plenty from the spring.

Get your kicks on, with the kids from the burnin' room.  Ignition is key and waking up is vital. And remember what I said about the weather man and his gloom because all we are is a blind man's bluff - trying to hide from someone we've never seen
And if you start saving now, you'll remember, that when the gardens bear...you saved plenty from the spring.

Adapt to the true feeling of discomfort
Do what you're afraid to do
Flee in the direction of unknown
And never stop

"Everyone knows you wake up at 5, drink some water and take some ibuprofen"

Nature has taught me not to waste a day
Death has taught me to not be scared of change
Mother has taught me to never give up
Step father has taught me it's okay to **** up
My dogs have taught me selflessness
While lovers have taught me the opposed
Education has taught me that it's all a game
Work has taught me that people never know

What does the world teach you?

On Christmas Eve I looked out
And,
Through the window,
Were some trees
From my position,
In my cave,
It was overwhelming me
On Christmas Day,
I climbed a mountain,
A steep trail it has been,
But
When I reached the top of my journey
The trees looked like tiny men
Below me they were
No longer a threat
Like a new and loving friend
But when I climbed down
Step by step
The trees remain men
The lower I go
The bigger they get
And that is quite okay
This pattern,
I've come to realize
Is quite a mockery

Gimmie that hat of yours darlin’. Let’s race up ladders to the top of the book shelf. I crave meaningful conversations so I outgrow this awkward stage. Like those comfy sweat pants I outgrew, the ones I never wanted to take off. They were too **** comfortable. I think you might be the one to buy me a new pair of comfy sweatpants; force me out of the old hemlines. Baby, this cliché is crazy and all those teen poppy songs never felt so true. Rip these hemlines off, force me into a new; let’s learn to climb these ladders together. And once we get to the top, let’s learn to fall because nothing hurts better than falling for you.

Do you ever feel like your sitting at home
wasting your life away?
constantly getting updates
always connected to the outside world
we can never get away
and
we always know what everyone is doing
it's overwhelming me today
sometimes I find it hard
to get this thinking out of my head
I need someone to come in
and refresh this space
teach me how to be
show me your face

We ALL have demons
no more focus on my ****** thoughts
immense focus on anything is not good
extremists never succeed
because they never understood
so let's say a big
"*******"
to the thoughts that keep us awake
they aren't even tangible
so why allow them to gain?

I'm searchin'
I'm searchin'
I'm searchin'
constant confliction
between physical handicap
and a paranoid mind
Am I really hurt?
or
Do I have too much time?
Is my brain depressed?
or
Am I just a talking hormone?
This anxiety I feel
What do I need to prove?
nothing
so why panic?
Take you're time to soothe
It's okay to feel crazy
It's okay to be crazy

When you're the only kid in class who forgot to do their homework
you're scared
When half of the class, including you, forgot to do their homework
you don't care
Why is it comforting to fail with others?
We all get the same grade.

There was once a girl named indigo //
And there was a Christmas tree she wanted to chop down
She possessed all the tools to complete this task
She received a saw for chopping the wood
She picked up the saw and got on her knees
But then something peculiar happened //
Something so ******* strange yet entrancing at the same time
// The tree
began to grow backwards into the ground
the roots became a seed
and life became counter clockwise
counter clockwise of insanity and greed
Bluejays swum while cod fish flew
Her world got kicked over by the bully from school
She wanted to shoot everything because nothing made sense any more
More than anything she just wanted to be
But the subliminal messages she couldn’t read
While supercritical people just watched her bleed
The alphabet no longer went from A to Z
/and there was no such things as vowels//
without vowels she couldn’t write poetry
and without poetry she had no oxygen
her world was no more
it was all in code
it was so ****** up it was like watching the liveliness come out of her father’s throat
Oh wait, I didn’t tell you
Indigo watched the liveliness come out of her father’s throat//
Indigo became a synonym for insanity
the tornado spit her out like a beautiful waterfall
instead of ******* her in//
all she could do is fall //
but//
she can’t breathe
and she’s being compressed
she can’t see
she’s understanding less
she’s trying to act what society classifies as normal
but it is a useless approach
she is climbing in gym class, but without a rope
yet the rope is a noose
She is over analyzing herself into a hiatus space
Where it’s not actually hiatus but filled with chaotic mace
The mace is getting sprayed in her retinas
But she can’t see anything
Regretin the
Upside down world she created
Life stuck in reverse not tolerated
Revolving in ways that make her isolated//
But maybe if she stopped//
Stopped
Separating the separated
Decided to educate the educated
And learn to not under estimate the estimated
Then she too could feel that feeling again
but
Indigo can’t feel
And
She says
Hit me
Punch me
Kick me
Shoot me
Just do whatever you can to make me feel
Feel this feelingless life so I can begin heal
She wakes up and opens her eyes and now she is blind
The chaos has turned her heart into a mind
And mind into the heart
Where brain waves pump blood instead of intellectual parts
And her car won’t stop going in reverse but she is still pushing it forward to start
But it’s stuck
She’s stuck
Help indigo she’s stuck
All I want is for indigo is to be what she is:
a deep captivating blue
and I want her to captivate the blue
like the ocean captivates the white part of the waves//
the part that crashes the hardest at mid day
and I want the wave to push her over
PUSH ME OVER WAVE
HIT ME
PUNCH ME
KICK ME
SHOOT ME
MAKE ME FEEL AGAIN
MAKE ME THE CAPTIVATING BLUE
FORCE ME-TO-CAPTIVATE-THAT-BLUE
AND MAYBE MY BRAIN WILL TURN BACK INTO MY BRAIN
AND MY HEART WILL TURN BACK INTO A HEART
WHERE IT DOES PUMP BLOOD INSTEAD OF INTELLECTUAL PARTS
AND I’LL LEARN TO READ THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES PEOPLE SAID TO ME
AND I’LL EVEN APPRECIATE WHEN I BLEED
EVEN IF SUPERCRITICAL PEOPLE WERE THE CAUSE OF IT AND NOT ME
And I’ll learn to breath, I’ll learn to breathe, and I’ll learn all over again because
After all, all Indigo was, was one thing:
A deep captivating blue.

You asked me to tango
(yet again)
and I always accept.
Willingly, you lead me
in the direction of neglect.
This is how it always begins:
you ask me to dance
I can't say no
you lead me astray
with too much control
And I
A coward
for letting you win
but this time
it's different
because my soul will always live
So shake it off
again and again
because you never mattered
except to teach me what did.

hey you
...I feel it too
the panic at two AM
deprivation of sleep
but your dog needs to be fed.
work - funny joke
school...never quite on time
but we have to keep going
so the stars stay aligned
and each one sparkles
with a different light
shimmery whites to
metallic grays

Nothing has ever felt so backwards
each day I take a step
and every two days I take two back
I think I'm over you
I'm totally ready to move on
then someone asks me how you're doing
and I say I don't know
then I have to tell them why I don't know
then I realize
how fragile it all is
how, so suddenly, I don't know "how you're doing" anymore
exchange of words once threaded with love
suddenly turned into no words at all
the next day rolls by
and I'm doing fine
then another friend asks
"how's he doing?"
then I feel it again
like a little pen sticking my gooey heart
pressure on the chest doesn't last long
but I feel it
and that's when I take two steps back
when I realize I still care.

Hasn't it been awhile?
I'm sitting in this coffee shop on magazine
To the left of me is a man
He has dark hair
A long sleeve button down
Worn out jeans
White crew socks
He's wearing a pair of New Balance tennis
He looks nothing like you
But
Y'all have the same shoes
Yours were a little more worn
And obviously older
But I thought of you
It made everything a lot less colder

All we do is consume
Constant consumption
We want attention
When we're not needy
We want food
When we're not hungry
We ask for money
When we don't need it.
But sometimes we do
And that's okay.

Car door slams
Gate opens
Keys jingle
Breath stain on the door window
from my yellow, fluffy friend
rain barely drizzling
foreshadowing the day's intent
listen to music
do some homework
eat
fight
sleep
wake up at 3
write a poem
and feel a little weak.
Wake up the next day
drink your coffee
go
for time is just a number
and fate is yours alone.

Seldom do people say "I'm satisfied"
nothing is ever enough
Because humans created time,
they deal with the burden of "interrupt"
We're never able to finish
We say we were stopped
When really that could have no effect,
but we created clocks.

At a young age they teach us that lightning looks like a geometrical line.
It's shape is a perfect kind of disaster with diagonals defined.
but when we grow up
and we're stuck in the storm
we find it impossible
To measure
A light so worn.

The grieving process is strange:**
step 1. the shock factor: Your heart sinks inward upon itself, because you can't believe what you hear, as if it is a fiction book on a shelf, nothing you read is quite clear.
step 2. Vent to everyone through texts and tears. Set the shameful Facebook status you'll regret in a year.
step 3. Make your "jaded soul" a thing to the naive ear, then feel ashamed of that self critique for it was two severe.
step 4. Cry in the bathtub to Rascal Flatts.
step 5. Talk about it too much.
step 6. Realize it is okay to still care, just be honest.
step 7. Don't let their self pity through drunken visits be misunderstood, they may still care but doesn't mean you should.
step 8. cry some more
step 9. lose yourself
step 10. find yourself


and do it all again.
Because this life is about hope
don't you ever think it's the end.
Doors start where houses stop and lovers always win.

And each day you think it will get better
And each day you rip off a feather
A feather that helped you fly.
Once upon a time I was able to soar
Soar through the darkness and fly
Fly through the haze
but
Now it's pretty foggy
and this high plummets,
Plummets into a blurry daze.
Hurt by words,
the impact was too heavy.
I'm the survivor who made it
but your water broke my levee,
and I can't escape.
My wings don't work anymore.
All my feathers are gone.
I plucked them all
Indirectly, because of you
but, nonetheless, it happened
and I don't know what to do.

Her heart sunk down into her chest
It rolled inward on itself
the pressure became too much
and life became deceiving
a weight, dropped down on a heart
that couldn't stop bleeding
he knew he was in the wrong
and never could explain
he tried to answer all her questions
so she couldn't feel the pain
but none of that worked
and every night he tried
she said the beauty's in the attempt
he said his tears are running dry
emotions are at a standstill
everything feels the same
routine made him hurt
but only she felt the pain
he drank that fifth of ***
because it was all he could feel

They value oddity. In contrast we value uniformity. We criticize and tear people apart as if they don’t fit in. We belittle people’s well being by telling them they aren't the right kind of strange, as if being strange has ever had restrictions. Nonetheless, this place is different, very different and I kind of like it.

I drank a lot of wine
And told myself that, in a year,
This wouldn't matter
And it won’t
Hope doesn't mean happiness
But
Hope can give you happiness
Eventually