Up
                  shot Up

they did not know each other though

                  Up said it made him feel a man

There is no good to the Up side of this

                  Up in his prison cell

                  neither felt Up neither down

                  Up shot himself.

Truly, we are wonderful creatures,
drawn to light's undulating swells,
Sailors enthralled by the pushing sea's great shuddering
We honor these bright particles by our  presence

Yet we burrow away, mole men and women for
Our most primal act, instinctual to the muscle
But still insulted by vanities.
(The consequence of consciousness,
I suppose) you instructed, "Turn off the last light"

Do you not wish to admire me?
The tender swell of brain and breast sloping to meet
Crags of hipbone jutting promiscuously below
the natural waist, natural beauty
Wasted by electricity's end

I want to take delight in your body, your ****** tongue
Quell the minor indiscretions of the day and
Give willingly to honesty
My ******* two moon over campus, your hand the sky.
If the peering leaves won't judge,
The least you can do is look me in the eye.

Is he easily moved? Truly?
Or am I too smart for him?
I would hope so...that would make me smirk delightfully.
Maybe I ...affect him?
I would hope so. I would.
He looks at his world and I look at mine, I try to see his
I would hope he'd try to see mine
Sometimes he needs a muffle.
I can only dream
Maybe his dreams will join mine and together we'll make fire
my air would feed his fire
he would burn me up
but I would let him.

4am 4am 4am….
Leftover stonedness
Lonely memories
I can’t figure out what I miss.
Think it’s the calm comfort of tuning out
Even though the tuning out slowly murdered me
Drift beyond
Drift away from everyone
I fear people.
Sometimes I feel like everyone else disappears in the world
Or that they can’t touch me
Like I’ve never been touched.
I don’t think I’ve ever been touched.

The computer glows and I have to be quiet.
My mother is sleeping in the other room.
She’s stressed and hurting
Guilt notifies me that I haven’t helped her enough.

I don’t know if I feel like dying but I feel like becoming mute.
If I can learn to ignore everyone, I can ignore pain and let down expectations
Sweetie eyes and a tall lean lover.
Dark expression knowing my soul
Loving and *******
Soul to soul
Skin to skin
Breathe with every breath.

Today was heart wrenching
I woke up thinking of her
She's all I think about,
And it's because of my birthday.
As it gets closer,
I get more distressed.
I grow older.
She will never age.
Time continues,
and she forever remains frozen in time.
Pristine and pure.

Breathe.

It hurts.
My soul, heart, everything
Knowing things I wish I didn't.
Maybe then ignorance would truly be bliss.
Maybe
Living life not regarding
the sorrows of the world.
I'm not that lucky.

It hurts not knowing why,
why the world was so cruel
And she found no comfort in it.
Not knowing,
What made that moment her last.
That hurts the most.
I ache to know the answer.

It doesn't end there,
My family has not yet healed.
Mom constantly checks on my sister,
hoping she hasn't chosen the same fate.

This scares me.
I don't know how to help them heal or even myself.
Physically I cannot help anyone,
and they in return cannot help me.
I am alone.
I am nothing.

I don't want to hate her for what she did
but sometimes I curse her for it.
Cursing her for making so many people hurt.

Hurt is such a simple word.
it helps to explain how I feel physically,
but more importantly how it affects my mind and heart.
I like simple words that get to the point,
that anyone can understand
Like when I say my heart hurts,
Because it is not a physical pain, no
It's a pain much deeper
and will take much longer to heal.
A scar will be left, yes.
May that scar never fade.
If it ever did that memory of her would fade with it.

I never want to forget her.
She was such an important part of my childhood.
She doesn't deserve that.
She deserves to stay ingrained in my heart.
I just hope that when the time comes the resentment will leave.

She did no do this to hurt me.
Repeat.
She did not do this to hurt me.
It's true. She had no intentions of hurting those she loved.
She did it to free herself.
That's hard to accept.
But one day I will.
One day..

I am mentally unstable.
My emotions are polarized and unpredictable.
That scares me.
I liked being happy,
now I feel guilty.
Guilty for enjoying life,
when others can't.
I want to be happy again.

Reminder:
I feel pain,
I am alive,
I feel pain,
One day things will get better,
but not now.
Now is not the time,
I am not ready.

I take people's time,
I am selfish.
I need help.
I need too many things.
Not material,
Something much more powerful.
Reminders that life is worth living
I am not alone.
Everyone is alone
But not always.
I can ask for help,
when I want.

I want to take the hurt out of my heart for simply a day,
and place it on a pillow.
Walk away and live.
Come back and return to the sorrow.
I simply want a day
A day when she will laugh
And I will listen.

I miss her laugh.
I am selfish and kept her laugh.
I am not sorry,
I loved that laugh.
I miss her.

I am alone.
Breathe.

I am alone.
I am not okay.
I need help.
I will forgive.
I take time to heal.
Maggie did not do this to hurt me.
Repeat.
She did not do this to hurt me.

The beat of my heart,
Has the rhythm of love,
Harmonized by the breath of a girl,

A girl with eyes blue as the sky,
Blue like the ocean water,
That danced beneath our last summer,

Let winter come,
Let the days pass by,
I want the snow to return,

My heart will say beating for you,
In the rhythm of love,

The deepest of reds.

If thine eye offends thee
pluck it out....

War offends
my eye.

All my
senses
defiled
*****
disemboweled
by the
abomination
of war.

My mind
disregards
denigrates
reneges
warps time
destroys values
alters psyches
lays waste
to my
conscience
of hope.

Mine eye offends me
the complicit witness
complacently
ambivalent
turning deaf ears
to groans
of the wounded
wails of the aggrieved
silence of the dead;
shutting doors
to sanctuaries
where refugees
seek safe houses,
locking factories
where men seek work,
level homes
where women nurture,
strafe playgrounds
where children laugh,
raise cities
where people
learn to be human,
immolate mosques
where
God's Children
cry out to the
Beneficent One.

Mine eye offends me,
my gut sickens,
to witness
the slaughter
of innocents
droning on
no angels to save
the million Issac's
savagely smashed to bits
by a Tomahawk's blow.

God's vengeance
escalates
the celestial ledgers
dripping red ink
from excessive
collateral damage,
people reduced
as objects used
to secure a loan
indeed an ARM
on a real time
American nightmare
whose reset rate
is mounting body counts
and massive budget allocations
protecting undisturbed flows
of corporate profits
valued in barrels
of imported blood.

Mine eye offends me
an innocence lost
Veritas vanquished
life is devalued
humanity debased
compassion defunct
empathy a twisted satire
an indelible weakness
incidental hostage
to the torridness
of the lurid play
of savage nations
projecting will,
a devastation
of action.

Mine eye offends me
the message of
sweet Jesus
a way of light
transformed into
biblical justification
agitprop verse
stoking blood lust zeal
for apostate infidels
sons of Abraham's
unworthy spawn,
of Hagar the *****
******* child Ishmael
turned out again
from tribal tents
of an absentee father
from an unfriendly
paternity.

This black *******
an abomination
in the sight of Allah
celebrates
a zeal to ****
unholy disciples
yearning to fill
banana crates
with body parts
draped in
drab Hijabs
decorated with
satanic verses
from a
Holy Quran
carved with
bayonets
of self righteous
Crusaders
armed with rifles
inscribed with
Gospel verses
on deadly gun
barrel stocks
to ramp the passion
of the righteous Crusade
against Godless apostates.

Mine eye offends me
as I witness
the **** of
corporate mercenaries
churning bereaved
Blackwaters
beholden only
to shareholders
gobbling spoils of war
to safely exit
to private vomitoriums
to expunge the excess
of gluttony
only to
quickly return
to engorge themselves
at the public troughs
again.

No constitutional
restraints
save the
strict guidelines
of holy
corporate governance scriptures
ruthlessly enforced with
golden carrots
of multi-million dollar
stock options
and the brutal stick
of shareholders divine right
to quarterly dividends
and above average
equity returns.

Corporate warriors
anointed by
holy oil
proffered
by capitalist shamans
and US Senators
conferring
jurisprudential deferment
on civil law
recusing them from
any behavior
to recognize the humanity
of captive insurgents.

Mine eye offends me,
as the flag
draped coffins
of returning
servicemen
and women
continue to pile
on the boiling tarmac
of Dover Air Force Base.

Tearful salutes,
folded flags
and mournful dirges
of prerecorded Taps
are small compensation for
shattered families,
and a wasted life,
unnecessarily spent,
criminally sacrificed
in a pointless conflict
in service to a lie.

Mine eye offends me
as I watch
my country's soft parade
of growing militarization
xenophobic fear
compelled patriotism
salute and goose step
to the flash of sword
and the sound of guns
and the glittering
medals of valor
adorning the chests
of a nations warriors.

How barbaric
are we?
allocating
overstuffed
apportionment
of weapons
and armories
while
people are
foreclosed
forcing armies
of unemployed
Joads
to ride
en masse on
an Acela Express
to a crowded
poor house
a listless journey
on pock marked
highways
arriving at
dreaded
destinations
to defunct
townships
offering
empty factories
and closed schools.

Screaming in silence
I scratch at my eyes
with numbed fingers.

Matthew 18:9

Music Selection:
The Doors, The Soft Parade

Oakland
3/17/10
jbm