We’re sitting in your car at 10 pm
listening to dubstep coming from the dashboard

And you are in my mouth breathing heavily with raised hips


And baby don’t leave me with this gun
This game just isn’t any fun without you and your leather coat

There's a knife in your pocket and its making me bleed

So tonight ill have to leave you alone

Its been almost a year
and I still can’t forget the way it felt like a graveyard to kiss you

I’m still trying to get the taste of dirt and formaldehyde off of my tongue

and according to a recent poll taken by me
I miss you more than the legal limit

so tonight I’m calling the police in hopes they will arrest me  

another broken heart taken off the streets

We talked about people dying last night
and how I watched them do so

and I couldn’t help but to laugh at the memory
and you were laughing too

and maybe that makes us kindred sociopathic spirits
or maybe it just makes us afraid to be vulnerable
so we look at death and then we laugh like we aren’t really scared

and you shoot animals from your bedroom window
and I have to admit youre a pretty good shot

As Jim Morrison put it-

“come on baby light my fire”

Well consider me burnt

I am the embers of a dying flame
I am an ashtray in your heart

I am the curl of smoke on freshly lit incense

I am light
I am light

I am bones in a field

I am a solitary crow

I am smite
Baby, I am fading light

I’m throwing up on myself in the bathtub
and chain-smoking these Newport box 100’s because I need this nicotine but I could stop if I wanted

I have more willpower than any one person should be allotted
but that’s just the way it is

and I smoke them three at a time in hopes sometime soon this can **** me

its strange to say that I don't know you
when I was under you just a week ago

and you have that tattoo on your neck of the Bayside emblem
and when I traced It with my tongue you moaned in my ear
and you smelled of sour diesel and Marlboro reds and Budweiser

and now im a little partial to that
because that smell is seared into my sinus

and in the morning I would struggle to find my clothes
wrapped in the sheets and try to sneak out of there
before you could grab my wrist with tattooed arms

and whisper “stay, please”

so this is me sneaking down your steps in my socks
and tiptoeing past your Christmas tree
and opening the iron gate in front of your walkway
and this is me driving away in the rain at 6 am

because I should not be sleeping with a 24 year old man when I am 17

I get sad too quickly and I wish I could change that
I get angry and I jump to conclusions like a summer time diving board

Its 4:30 pm and you still haven’t spoken to me
but I saw a conversation that you had 2 hours ago with your ex girlfriend and I never thought I would hate someone
who lives in a different country so much

she's never even kissed you so why does it matter to me
I like to lie to myself
and convince my brain I have more than enough confidence
and I think I might have tricked my eyes but the mind just isn’t as easy

I hate you (don’t leave me)

I've never tried this hard with anyone
and I think that's because I am more desperate
than even I would care to know

I think this (us) could really be the end

you know like we could be together forever

after I **** any other girl you’ve ever spoken to or passed on the street

yeah I think we are really meant to be

You tried to talk to me or get me to look you in the eyes
so I kissed you too roughly to get a single syllable out

and when you gasped for air and answers I put your fingers in my mouth because you always say it turns you on more than anything else

but I just wanted to turn your brain off this time

so we fumbled in the backseat of your jeep
and watched for headlights coming up the street

and I kept my mouth busy
because honestly I lack the ability of knowing what to say

please don’t make it ******* me

My mother once threatened me by saying she would cut off all of my hair like I guess she knows what my weakness is
and I think I’m like that biblical story about Sampson
All the strength is gone if I lose my hair

I wish I could tell her all the reasons I ever lied
but I can’t anymore so to my sisters: may the bridges I burn light the way

in 8 months I’ll be officially gone so just keep that as a little reminder
to be good you don’t ever want to end up like me

I spend my days with my head in my hands

and ever since I was little I’ve known I would die at 27
and I tell everyone I get close to
and they always look at me like I’m standing on
the edge of a building when I whisper this and maybe I am

and there’s a white lighter in my pocket for my autopsy
just like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix

but maybe all I really want is someone to save me before I happen to fall

I feel like I've been in air tumbling to pavement for years
and somewhere in this time I've caught fire

So now I wonder if I'll burn out or break all my bones first
And if I'm being honest it doesn't really matter to me anymore

Its funny that you should mention me ******* your blood tonight
its funny you should say you would cut your forearms open for me
if it wasn’t going to leave scars

like I didn’t know drinking blood and razors were about sexuality

its funny you should mention any of it
because tonight was the first night since the beginning of October
that ive cut myself open just to watch my carcass BLEED

so I wonder what you'll say when you see me in two days
and you find that ive created slits in my skin
that go from shoulder to wrist on both arms

will you ask me to cut one more just so you can put your mouth to it
AND QUENCH YOUR THIRST

I have guts- they're just defective
The graffiti in the bathroom stall makes no sense
I think I wrote it when I was drunk on ***** 2 weeks ago

I broke my favorite ring on purpose yesterday
I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've been sober for too long and now I'm paying for that

I skipped a party so I could sleep
Or talk on the phone with my boyfriend
I kissed him on Tuesday
But I'm still not sure what he looks like
can't commit his profile to memory

He seems more like a ghost than I do
Are we lovers fading from view
Is this when we start walking through walls

I ran into someone today on purpose
To make sure I didn't pass through them
To make sure I wasn't invisible

Sometimes I feel like a seagull in a parking lot

I haven't had candy for weeks
I deprive myself food so I feel like I have space to speak

My heart is a silent buzzing
Hand to chest there is no beat
Blood pressure nonexistent
Nurse tried 4 times to get a reading

Can only take blood from one arm
Veins too tangled around knotted scar tissue

Two summers ago I deflated my body like a popped beach ball
They patched the hole and filled me
I have yet to learn my lesson

When I turned 13 I convinced myself I hated everyone

Dogs are scared of me like a fish to a shark
Maybe they can smell cold blood pumping
Can tell there is something off about me

I have eyes like power lasers

I know why people don't talk to me
Look but don't speak
Don't touch without permission

I have ruined 37 lives like a curse

I am a contagious disease
You brought me on yourself

I feel like frostbite and sandpaper

I will not fix you
I will flay you open

I am contagious
But you already knew that

Saw it in my bones the first time you ever met me

I like how you don’t tell me why you go to court
like I can't know your secret

Like there's something in you that you don’t want me to find
a part of you that I don’t want to meet

I told you I was evil over the phone and you laughed and I didn’t
and then you paused and got real quiet and said

“Me too”

Oh yes im so concerned about what poison this cigarette will bring me when just two hours ago I dropped my speakers into the water
in hopes of electrocuting myself

but instead I just drowned 200 dollars
I always try to break as many rules as possible while driving
because I have this fantasy about a cop ******* me

or maybe just because I like the idea of getting away with things
I'm not nearly as complicated as you'd like me to be

and I'm sitting in 14 inches of ****** water from my slit wrists
so ask me why I'm laughing about this
like I'm finding the shine of the razor funny

I don’t ******* owe you anything

and I haven’t eaten in two days
I wonder how long ill keep this up this time
last time I nearly died

so ask me why that was the happiest time of my life
when I fainted daily and lost 40 pounds in 3 months

Don’t tell me its impossible or that I look healthy
because I make you have slit wrists as well

I have 4 butterfly knives and im okay with using them
just ask all the things ive buried in the woods behind my house
just ask me how I feel after kissing these poison frogs

and life is no longer a ******* simile

I haven’t left the house in a week
and I take three baths a day to keep me from feeling *****

so please tell me what that says about me

and you thought being a starving artist sounded romantic

I don't let my emotions out
not to anyone I've ever met

and most would describe me as cold and uncaring

My counselor let slip she thinks I could be a killer
Personally, I think she wishes I would
so she can write a book or something
Ah, the world of psychiatry

Sometimes my anger slips out like a tunnel of rage
and I let go on anyone who stands in my way

that’s why I stopped carrying a knife
and why I stopped thinking about dead things
and the way those animals felt in my hands while
taking their dying breaths

and the way their eyes looked
Like something I've seen in the shadows of my bedroom at night

like something I see in my smile and the sharp corner of my left canine when I cut my tongue on it last May

you could say im crazy but I'd probably just laugh
and then continue sharpening my razors

and my mother found my pistol in the living room air vent
and I almost shot her then

But here I am just writing this poem
and do you ever wonder what I really am

everyday I wear all black
and red lipstick really compliments how pale I am

I change my hair color constantly in hopes no one can ever really know me

and I never use my real name when meeting someone
I have 6 aliases and I use them all

and last year I deleted my Facebook
and now I have a twitter by the name of Wednesday Hayward

and two weeks ago I snuck into your house and left no DNA
and I wonder what you'd say if anyone knew my real name

Im about as subtle as a gunshot wound on a Thursday afternoon
and everyday when I wake I forget how to use my feet because
you were the bones in them and now you are missing

one day will I be able to say your name without sounding like
***** in a wastebasket in an office

without sounding like a dead deer carcass in a stream

last spring you took me to the park
and we walked the trails and layed in the pine needles
like nesting phoenix and I think you burned me on purpose
well I have yet to rise from those ashes

all I ever did was ******* love you

remember when your parents went out of town
and I spent the night in your bed and when I woke up at 11 am

I saw the sunlight streaming through onto your face and oh my god
you were just so beautiful

remember when we got drunk and spent the night
in your backseat after you threw up 3 times in the street

do you remember
do you even remember me

I think of you at least 7 times a day
and I always thought you were all I ever needed
but here I am now

learning how not to need you

Life is tricky to me
I like to call it science
and I am ready to believe in anything that might be able to give me sustenance like star signs or mythical monsters or

You

When I went to sign up for college I sat in my car for an hour
with the windows up and no air conditioning in the middle of august because I wanted to punish myself for my weakness called anxiety

im really very good at punishment

just ask all the friends I've lost
because I tried and succeeded at ruining them
and then couldn’t hide my smile in the inevitable confrontation
that followed

I told my counselor I would have rather done time than do
community service and she couldn’t hide her shock
and I asked her what did she really want from me

what does she really know about me besides what I let her know

I know that her middle name is Carol and shes 37
and has a little boy because she always drinks out of a cup that says mom and shes always twisting her wedding ring
and she likes black heels and she never gets her toes done
but she does her nails every week at the place two blocks down

I know because ive staked her out
and at Kroger she heads straight to the vegatables and she never eats meat

and she will never know whats really bothering me

I wrote you a poem and all you said was “I love you!”
and I need a whole lot more than that  

Did you know Marilyn Monroe was borderline too
and what did that leave her besides a suicidal mess I do not look up to?
But I guess she did **** JFK so there's that

Today is valentines day and I didn’t say anthing to you about it
because I know you hate February 14
because 2 years ago you had that major surgery

You didn’t talk to me until 4:20 today
and that was only to laugh about the timing
and it's really hard for me to not tell you that I wanted to **** myself today but instead I wrote 5 poems and drank too much coffee

and **** I would really **** for a cigarette right now that
I have to use my charm to get
because im only 17 but somehow
I always “forget” my ID and wear a low cut shirt
and flirt openly with the 40 year old indian guy across the counter
just so I can get my illegal nicotine

I wonder what my mother would say about that

I think the movies ruined my life
I think you ruined my life

I think im sick
I think you made me sick in the head when you left

I think im nuclear waste in a biohazard zone
I think my arms are going to fall off

I check for cancer every day in hopes I have it and
I won't have a reason to live or maybe something more along the lines of
an excuse to say I want to die because
I have this stupid body I'm stuck in

and all I've wanted to ever do was see my bones
I used to think I was in love with the female body but now
I know I'm just in love with my own

for the past three years I have been slaving to the whiteness of my bones
I have been trying to **** myself so I can be cut open

I've been looking at my blood like
I'll finally find the poison that is inside of me

I just need a culprit to blame for this disease that floats around in my skull and wakes up all the dreams I never wanted to see
I just need a reason

I talk like poetry and
I move like a mistake most people don’t understand me because
I speak in similes and metaphors

I speak like coffee is dripping out between my teeth
look I'm doing it here and I don’t know how to stop

I question like a demand and
I have no excuses for the way I move

Maybe I'm just ready to blow the twin towers down again
Maybe I'm ready to crash this body like an airplane

You are cold tile in summer
I am bare feet

The sun rises and dies for you daily
The moon watches you sleep
Watches dreams from deep underneath eyelids

Irises like cliff diving
If you look down you cannot breathe
I wish to be the air caught in your lungs

Skin beneath my fingertips
Softly yielding
We are the last two on earth
I would choose no one else to be lonely with

I am drawn to you like a moth to flame

Desire like a trick candle on a birthday cake-
There is no burning it out

Smoke curled from your mouth like ribbons
I wished to be your cigarette
If only for the chance to be close to your lips again

I want to breathe you in
Have you lingering on my tongue like melting candy

When I was little I thought happiness was a magic potion
Now I know happiness is a feeling
Caught in the gaps of my ribcage
Only to be discovered with the x-rays that are in your touch

I am in deep blue water
Feather light
Using thoughts of you to keep me afloat

There are flowers sprouting from my heart
Your touch holds my bones together
You are a skeleton made of stardust
There is magic in your breathing
I find myself longing to inhale it

The first time we had ***
(Or made love as you like to put it)
I choked you

And if you really want to make love then you need to
close the door on me and use a triple deadbolt
I am incapable of making love

I am hot water on the burner on the stove bubbling over
and if you don’t want to get burned you need to put a lid on me

I wrapped my hands around your neck while I was on top of you
and I watched as your face changed colour
and your mouth opened and closed like a fish flopping on deck
but there was no air to breathe

And it was really making me excited until I realized that you liked it
so next time I held your throat with one hand and
bit your chest so hard you started to bleed in a few places
and for some reason you got off on that too

But when I asked you to spank me I got four tiny slaps
and then you held your hands around my neck gently
and told me that you couldn’t bear to hurt me because you loved me

So I guess that goes to show
You will get no love from me

I hate when my counselor that I’ve seen 8 months
asks me why I shaved off part of my hair two weeks ago
like maybe I just wanted to and
this isn’t about Freud
now where are my test results

Sometimes I hate being so dependent on what axis my personality lies on like without a name for myself I will fall to pieces

And she delivers because no one refuses me for some reason
like they are afraid of something in the bone structure of my face
or in the hollow of my eyes

and she reads me what ive known since the day I turned 13
She reads me what I've known since I strangled
my cat in the woods when I was 14

She reads me what ive known since I stole
all my mothers pain medication and sold it when I was 15
She reads me what ive known since I was caught by the police at 16  
and didn’t bat an eyelash at the prospect of it all
because somehow it doesn’t matter

She reads me what ive known since I crashed
my car into a store and laughed
Since I totaled my car into a ditch at 90 with
no seatbelt and caught air and walked away
invincible because I cant get hurt

since I ran over my dog and played in its blood
and then made myself cry when I called my mom
and blamed it on an innocent guy

I’ve known what I am

but she is worried about putting a label on me
like maybe im not a sociopath or narcissist or borderline
like she doesn’t want to be the one to blame if shes not right

Call me evil
Because I am

Grandmother veins wrapped like seatbelts around necks
Head first through windshields
Arms reaching around their tombstones

Worms playing hide and seek in kidneys
Gutted pigs in slaughter

Faded wreaths
Fake flowers
Streetlights

Disappearing children
We are fading with each step
Dust in the wind
Dissipating

Happy birthday whispered
Baby wings on *******
India ink burned

Who do you belong to
Who gave you the key to unlock your shackles
Fly from the car

Yellow caution tape
Siren anthems
Resounding death rings

My professor is looking at cars on a white projection screen
I am wondering why it was worth my time to come today
Bought a book for $260 so here I am

The boy with a Mohawk and
Chiseled cheekbones looks at me
I always catch him glancing back 3 rows

I don't know the colour of his eyes
But I know the exact bone structure of his jaw
and the way he tightly clenches his fist until the knuckles are white

He makes me wonder what I am
To know that I want nothing more than
His hand colliding with my face
What does that say about me

My professor is an old man who can't walk without a cane
He shows us his ****** art he is so proud of
We are all in rose colored glasses
That does not go away no matter our age
And that is probably the saddest thing

everyone is posting videos
forgetting science
and trying to burn snow
well *** holes it’s called sublimation and
******* for not liking my picture I posted 26 minutes ago

where else is my poor narcissistic soul going to get my ego boost from
I have 34 likes and I need at least 50 to feel like I can be deemed fuckable by the general public
please help me

and you posted a picture
and I liked it and so did your ex-girlfriend
and I ******* hate her and how she can relate to you
and she knows what an IV to the heart feels like and I don’t
but you make me wish I was ill or near death just so I can feel like maybe just maybe we can lay in opposite hospital beds

Sometimes my hands get really itchy
like my bones are trying to crawl their way out of
the skin that entraps them

I get really nervous when I can’t write
You speak in riddles and you're making me crazy

And last night I told you that if hell was real
According to Dante there are 7 levels
and I think I belong in all of them

And we talked about heaven
and you said that you think heaven could be here on earth

And I laughed and said maybe in bits and pieces
but I think my heaven is all chopped up

And then it was silent for a long time
and I realized that you were subtly saying
that it felt like it was heaven with me

Maybe I just shouldn’t speak but I want you to realize is
I am all dark and sin
I am rust on your shine

I heard you got hit by that train on your 17th birthday
Smoking **** on the tracks
Too bad it was only my dream

I wish the fall onto concrete left scars on your face instead of scrapes

I wish the cops caught you that night
Or the night after that
I would have wanted them to lock you up

You threw away the key to my heart
Pressed it flat like a keepsake penny made by machines
I wish I died when I crashed my car for the third time in a year
I know you wished I hadn’t walked away
Wish you weren’t the first person I texted

It has taken me nine months to start getting over you
Its been 5 weeks since I last cried in vain over your memory
It has taken the touch of six men to scrape you off of my skin

I heard every seven years all of your cells renew themselves
By 2019 you will have never touched me
I find some sort of peace in that

It has taken me nine months to think about loving someone else
But here I am
three weeks into a relationship and I'm doing perfectly fine
without you

I still know your middle name and the sound of your laughter
But somewhere I have forgotten your favorite color
I remember where all your hidden freckles are
But I have forgotten the weight of your skin
I could draw your bones on canvas with my eyes closed
I could not color your eyes in or the shape of your lips

I suppose I’m getting closer to forgetting you altogether
There are still remnants of you
Like 2 year old gum stuck to a sidewalk
Is it ever really gone?

Now when people think of us
They think of us as separate people
They pair you with the girl who salivates on your arm
Love was never the mistake
You were the mistake

Im stuck here with burn holes in my thighs
With vacant lonely eyes
I used to call you:
H o m e.

I should have never let a boy matter so much
I am made of stardust and rot
Never should have let you in
You never made me feel as special as I did to you
Dropped me in your kitchen when things got too hot
Looked at the shards on the floor and didn’t bother to sweep me up
Never thought about gluing me back together

You always said you didn’t know what youd do without me
But you do know
Today is six months with the girl you supposedly love now
Her name still makes me shudder a little
and when I saw you last I cried for 20 minutes
It burns me in unseen places to look at pictures of you two together
It burns me to know I am not the one you want

You were wearing my favorite black leather jacket
And the minute I saw you walk out of the hospital doors
Something in your face made me shift in my seat a little
Like two stones grinding against light pressure
I took your frame in mine and could tell you had been crying

I'd never felt such raw emotion when you kissed me
You tasted faintly of salt
Like tears had freely curled in the edges of your lips

When you sat in my car and held my hand while you spoke
I had never heard such raw emotion
You told me that the recesses of your mind
played out death
Every time

It was then that I almost understood how crippling your
Disease is to you
I can't feel your pain but I can see it on your face

I think if I could ever truly love someone
it'd be you

The problem with loving an artist is it appears beautiful
You get endless sketches of your hands and eyes
On coffee shop receipts
You get scribbles about the endless abyss of your love
Written in the margins of her class lectures
You will receive long tight embraces and soft kisses that
sometimes feel as if she is trying to swallow your scent
And that's all okay for a while

The problem with loving an artist is it gets ugly
she'll smoke too many cigarettes at 4 pm on the back porch while
She mumbles to the sunset about another day gone
You'll find her in bed at 8 am with pages of sad ramblings
Clutched in hand even in sleep
She will skip meals so she can revise the same four words
Until they are the same as originally written
She will ask you to listen to a different song every day because it
"reminds her of you"

Eventually you will find her with paint and blood
Curling into the drain
But she will shut the door on you
And when you question her about the razors you found in her nightstand
She will take them from you and say
"This is how I make my art"

And for the first time
You will read the poetry on her wrists
And you will be unable to say what she needs to hear because
You are not a poet
You do not know how to make words into love
You do not even know if you want to stay when she calls you

"Muse"

I finally died on a Wednesday night

My dad was in Atlanta with his family
But that’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way it will always be

My mother was at her boyfriend’s house 15 minutes away
Starting her new life
The one where she tries to forget about me
Maybe if she keeps redecorating his house
She can find a way to hide me in the corner
Collecting dust and spider webs
My picture on the wall hidden by a sea blue curtain

And my siblings were in his basement watching TV
Probably fighting and getting ready to sleep
I never knew that every time I refused dinner or a movie with them
I was sealing my fate like my coffin lid

I was born on a Wednesday evening
5:15 pm at 4 pounds
I entered this world early and that’s how I left it

I killed myself on a Wednesday

I left behind cabinets full of pills I always said I would take
I left 19 notebooks of half written poetry
A few finished paintings and pastel scribbles
And a bowl of almost empty cereal left in my drawer

I left with scars on my body and burns

I left three bobby pins in my boyfriend’s window sill
Locks of my hair still in the kitchen trash
Lighters and pipes still hidden under my mattress

I left my bath water in the tub, turning cold as my body
***** socks crumpled in the corners of my sheets
I left my favorite shirt on my floor

I left my books opened
Underlined all the words I never could say aloud
I kept my favorite CD in the player in my car

I left my toothbrush out and my window open

I left an unfinished prophecy

Why don’t you ask your hairline where I’ve been
My fingers have been on your scalp in all of my dreams
You’ve been nowhere to be seen
I’m not sure what I expected but it wasn’t this
I thought I saw you today
I saw you in the lanky legs of the boy next to me
I saw you in the freckles across the bridge of someone’s nose
It’s strange to think that you’re not here
Your memory never left
It still swallows me at night
You are in the back of my eyes
All black and white

Did you really expect love from a girl who
compares herself to gasoline
But do you really want a girl who dreams of
lost things every night to love you
I eat chocolate frosting out of the jar
And I always bring a gun to a knife fight
A back alley stabbing with gold bullets
Do you really expect someone who sleeps
With her boots laced and bag packed
To be capable of love
I have mirrors in my corneas so when
I look at you
It appears that you are the only one I've ever seen

And lately I've been reading all these things
about people being blind and still
having hope and praying to god

Like maybe I can instill some of that into me

Like maybe if I can find some feeling of normalcy
if I find a joke funny or
some lyrics that really speak to me

Cause here I am with two good eyes
when I've got my contacts in and two
working hands that I have yet to do good with

I used to want to help the world but
now I think I only wanted the attention

I feel less connected each time I come home
Our dogs only bark at strangers
But I've never gotten into the door quietly
My mother and I orbit the house like planets
We crashed by chance four years ago
And we've been in pieces
Drifting farther into the space
That is in our bedrooms
Since that moment
I have started to feel like a ghost
And I can't breathe unless
I am completely alone

it is 4:56 am and you went to sleep
two and a half hours ago
but I'm sitting here going through all of your pictures
reading comments left from girls who are
so much prettier than me

it's hard telling yourself "do not get attached"
when all I want to do is sew myself to you
weave my veins with yours until they
take root and start to bloom in your bloodstream

a lot of the time I want to poison you
make us an even more twisted modern tale
of Romeo and Juliet

you say all of the right things but it is never enough
I want to burn the love letters on top of your funeral pyre

a lot of the time I dream of killing you

You never once asked me to save you
I guess I just took that upon myself
The first time I put my fingertips under your shirt you trembled
There were bandages and scars underneath

Things you’ve never let anyone else see
Things you were scared to show me

All I saw was milky white beauty
Muscles and bone
Strength of the more memorable kind

No, you never asked me to save you
I don’t regret trying
But during all of the 2 am phone calls
I spoke with my face buried in my pillow

I told you my secrets one night
Not all of them
But enough to make you run away into the sunrise
They’ve been caught in my teeth ever since
I threw them up and didn’t wash my mouth out
I don’t feel ***** when I really talk to you
You didn’t wash your hands after you touched me
He always did

You whispered my name
Moved my hair around in your hands
Said my name aloud while your toes curled
Knees on hardwood floors
I never felt it
Too preoccupied with pleasing you
Nothing more beautiful than your half closed eyes;
The way your lips part to let out a low sigh

Counting the days with you like stars in the sky
I hope they are limitless and shining
I hope our love will be a galaxy

You stood in front of me
Naked in soul and body
I kissed the freckles on your chest and lower
I kissed the scars on your stomach where they cut you open
Where they pulled parts of you out when you got sick
You may not be whole
But I plan on making you feel as if you are missing nothing

You say you are ashamed of the marks
9 years of pain
The blood transfusions
The multitude of pills waiting on the counter
9 years and 2 months of pain
Months in the hospital
IV’s in your arms dripping what you couldn’t make
And all that lost weight
You still aren’t fixed
I tell you that you are perfection
I will love you through everything

With my face twisting I tell you about my pain
The scars curling like ivy on my forearms
Wrist to elbow
Elbow to shoulder to thigh to calf
The days I spent crying instead of living
And how the hospital makes you want to die
About all the pounds I shed into thin air by not eating
We both dehydrated when we lost 40 pounds
We’ve both been so close to death we tasted it
Felt cold fingers wipe the sweat from our brows

I ask myself how I ever breathed without you
Without the help of your lungs
Please don’t pull the plug

We had *** the first time we met in person
I bit your bottom lip so hard it was still raw a week later
I told you I was sorry
You said you felt no pain
It only showed how I thoroughly enjoyed you
That was the first time I felt that I was making love

I want to ride my skateboard down the contours of your legs
Make your body a half pipe
A park only for me

You lit my cigarette when we stood in the snow
“pretty girls never light their own”

I love the way your eyes look when you are trying to be worth something
When you are excited;
Happy
When you are looking into my eyes while you are inside of me

You opened my car door for me
You watched me leave as the snow fell harder
And then you stopped me and pulled me out of my seat

Kissed me hard because I had to go

Kissed me hard in the snow

It felt like a summer night in July and all I wanted was you
Snow turned into fireworks in a field at night
Fireflies dancing

You go to church sometimes on Sundays
A lot of times you sleep instead of going with your father
I still don’t think I'm getting into heaven
I used to drink blood and eat flesh too
Never felt any better after kneeling in that red velvet pew
I would stare at the sunlight coming through the stained glass
And think about ******* Jesus
I’ve heard a lot of voices but I’ve never been haunted by the Holy Ghost

There are freckles on our back
Mine from 3rd degree sunburn two summers ago
I told you they were beautiful
I still don’t know if you believe me

The first time we talked on the phone
You told me you loved someone who didn’t make you happy
All I wanted was to be yours
You told me beauty radiates inside of me
Beyond that of the moon and stars

I don’t believe in heaven or hell
But I think there is something magical waiting for you