I’m falling through the holes in your soul
like grains of sand through fingertips  

we always think we have found someone so beautiful
and it makes it hard for us to see the ugliness that is behind it

there is no pearl being formed in your shell, my dear

and I suppose that should make me afraid

but I haven’t been scared of the dark
or big bad wolves
or boys with a few stitches in their brains
for years now

so just ignore the dripping knife I have in my hand
and please don’t follow the blood trail into the woods

some things are better left unknown

haven’t you ever heard ignorance is bliss?

Kiss me with my lips that look like blood pooling
and eyes that look like an exit sign

Sitting on the back porch licking a popsicle
the color of your essence slowly with eyelids closed
and careful movements

I am a snake charmer
a deadly woman
and I am 12

you want me whispering stardust into your ears
and you’re trying to make yourself see it as wrong

But I am all want
I am need
something about me is saying please

I am silk sheets
a sunny day breeze
and I am 12

the edges of my blonde hair comes to the
third vertebrae in my spine
and you want your hands curled in it

you want me like
I am water to the flame that rests in your tongue

you’ve never read ****** before
but you swear I'm the one
Vladimir Nabokov had in mind

In fall I met a boy who had blue eyes and dark hair
and he towered over me thin and strong

and he had wheels for feet but wasn’t a rolling stone
no, that was always me

he told me he loved me with the lights on

and we became helplessly entangled in each other’s limbs
like we were turning into the jungle itself
until it got colder and we were ripped apart
-
in winter I met a girl who knocked the wind out of me
and my lungs have never quite been the same

she would read me poetry as we laid in her silk sheets naked
drinking coffee and she would light my cigarettes

and she taught me how to jump in head first
and how to be charm boys
and how to love *****
and more importantly,
her
-
in spring everything so tightly wound began to come undone
and love became more complicated

and in the end I had to choose whom I loved more
and even now I still question the faulty loyalties I had

and I catch myself driving by both of their houses
feeling unable to control my lungs
or my razor sharp memories
-
in summer the boy with the blue eyes who was my moon
started loving a little girl and we haven’t talked since

and while I waned he waxed
and I hope to never see him again

and the girl who was my rising and setting sun
kissed me for the last time in a smoke filled room

and I lent her my shoes and shirt
and I still think about her every day
-
It's been over a year
and I am still unable to allow these two people out of my head

like a guilty conscience that will never let you rest
and all I can think is

imissyouimissyouimissyou

like it is engraved in my heartbeat

I never planned to drop out of high school
but I never planned on wanting to **** myself either
so that’s just how it goes

And now I’m in college a year early
and I’m watching everyone around me getting into
serious relationships and having babies
and actually graduating with full scholarships to real universities
and moving in together like real grown people starting real lives

and here I am still missing you
still going to counseling every week
and failing my second semester worse than the first

here I am having to consider if going to a
mental hospital for 6 months is really the only thing ive got left

my mother says when I get out I could really start my life
you know, have real relationships
and not do drugs or have promiscuous ***
but what does she really even know about that

am I about to find out why the caged bird sings?

I turn eighteen in a little over 7 months
and I really don’t want to spend the time leading up to that
having a prescribed time to eat
and take my medication
and when to go to sleep

this isn’t how life is supposed to be

people say it isn’t easy
but killing yourself is seen as cowardly

well, we didn’t even have a choice of whether we wanted life or not
we were just put here because we won the race

so don’t talk to me about cowardice

I got my first tattoo when I was 15
and the feeling exhilarated me
and to this day the buzzing of the gun excites me

and even to this day the sound of your voice creates something inside of me

and last summer I had 4 people in my car that I later totaled

and we were smoking **** in the park
because we bought three blunts at $5 each

because we went down to southeast
and copped them from the black boys playing basketball in the street

and that was back when I still got paranoid about things

like smoke coming out of the car windows at night
and things like my mother knowing the redness in my eyes
wasn’t from my contacts

Here we are in the tunnel of a yellow slide at the park
with clumps of smoke falling from your mouth like mud
but I shouldn’t be surprised at that

we sat on your porch
and the veins in your arms were just asking to strangle me
and if I’m honest with myself I would have let them
because I couldn’t imagine a better way to end myself

and after work one day I went to the maze near your house

and it was raining warmth out of the dark sky

and I pulled the petals off of all the roses
and threw them in the air and let them rain down on me
because I needed to feel beautiful and dramatic for just a minute
after such a long day

and you watched from your car

because I was just a stupid silly girl that you didn’t want to get caught up in

I feel more comfortable in this vessel of mine than I ever have before
and I suppose I have you to thank for that

because now I can walk without seeming like a question mark
and trying to blend into the wall

I can walk without looking down like an apology
so this is me saying thank you

but now I realize that I don’t need you nor do I want you

and I am happy with the sense of freedom that comes with that

you weren’t special until I made you so
and I didn’t realize my worth until we were walking away from each other

and once, back when you were good
and I still believed in you

we climbed the roof of a school and took pictures
and I didn't want to jump off  

and I scraped my leg before we started doing graffiti

and we heard the sirens from two miles away
so we dropped the spray paint and ran

and I guess they were warning us in more ways than one

Hurry now
"Something wicked this way comes"