i wish i was whole

i wish i was the first thought

i wish i could do it on my own

i wish i knew the way

i wish i wasn't a rotten liar
                   but
wishes dont mean anything

60,000 thoughts and feels a day and none of them turn into anything

does everyone feel like this?
like their organs are being juiced and crushed by the fist of the universe and all the weight in the world is sitting in your heart

or am i abnormal? am i different somehow? did i come out the wrong way or did something happen after that? can it be reversed? I WANT TO FEEL NOTHING and be exactly like the 'normal' person i picture in my head

i want it to tear me in half and sew me back up and lay like a blanket wrapped around me

i want to feel nothing and everything all the time and i want it to hurt me

i want to feel perfect and rotten and beautiful and wrong and pure

i want to peel myself open and let something that can FEEL inside

i want to feel the sting and the warmth and i want to understand

i dont want it to keep feeling like a whirlpool pulling me in until my lungs and mouth and eyes and soul fill with water

i want to feel comfort in existing and i want to feel like i can unroll from my armadillo shell and let the vultures tear apart my delicate underbelly

i need it to let me live and breath before it becomes too much for the scraps of me to bear

i want to know that it's going to happen and to feel calm when the waves take me towards nothing and everything forever

i want to feel the pain and the rust crawling up from somewhere inside of me and letting me go

i know that i will never eat a star
but i think that they are
c r u n c h y

i don't know what is wrong,
but something about eveyday existance
                                                                      just feels off.
i dont know why
                                         but i know something has changed.

i want out
i need out
but im stuck
no one can help me but myself
its boring here
she knows im stuck
but she doesnt care

trapped
stupid
lost
confused
im all of the above
but everyone thinks im
smart
collected
clear
free
so i cant get help

i had a dream
my face melted like a candle
my soul was a wick
and when the wick ran out
i died
it made me cry
but the end seemed
so sweet
oozing
like honey
when you touch it, it sticks
so delicious
i craved it
but
just like honey,
it came so slowly
i couldn't bear it

the world is hot,
my body is cold.
my heart is hot,
my throat is hot.
my brain is cold.
im panicking.
i dont know.
i dont know.
i dont know.
i need to speak,
but there are no words.
im scared,
but not fearful
i cant hear anything,
but the silence is so loud.
something is wrong.
i can feel it.
but i know,
i cant fix it.

i need coffee
to wake me up
to think
its  necessary
coffee
gone cold
like her blood
frozen forever
useless
now theyre both
in
the
trash

they say im sick
because we arent the same
just because they're sane
and my mind is on another plane
just because theyre plain
im stuck here
with only my mirror
to show me
that i am inferior

i didn't mean to-
sorry
oh
sorry
i dont know
sorry
i cant
sorry
sorry
sorry
             i say it so much it starts to mush
to  blend
to become montone

color
          like ink
spilled on my skin
                                I
                          ­­                   didn't ask for you to treat me this way.  


                                     different.
   but i know, always and forever, this will be.
            
whether black, brown, or native
             you are a costume, a worker, or simply a joke.
    crazy, insane to think.

it will always be there
     ingrained in the earth itself
the blood of these people, the works of men long gone.
horror. injustice. malice.
dont just wash away.
'can i touch your hair?'  'you're so much darker than me.'

because i am brown.

i will always be brown.

you will always be white.

there will always be difference

drip
drip
drip
drip
drip
cold
drip
drip
drip
drip
drop
drip
drip
­drip
slice
drip
drip
silence
drip
peace