i was once told before that i’m the kind of girl who deserves to be complimented. when i asked what kind of girl that is, i was told it was the girl who flies under the radar.
i don’t know exactly what that means but i don’t think it’s a bad thing.
i think i'm a girl who doesn’t want people to notice her, for fear that they will see all the flaws that she herself already knows. a girl who doesn’t talk with many people, because she has already had too many people come into her life just to decide it wasn’t worth it, leaving her wondering what she did wrong and what is wrong with her. a girl who you never see talking to a boy, as she has already had her heart bruised far too many times to try again, just to try and fail again. a girl who's seen reading, as reality is far too cruel and dangerous of a place and she would rather die a thousand hero’s deaths than face someone who has a harsh word upon a sharp tongue. a girl who is always smiling, even though she’s broken inside and refuses to show anyone the parts of her that hurt, fearing she'll be hurt even more than before. a girl who keeps to herself, thinking she is intruding and will be unwanted. a girl who is teased and laughs it off, secretly wondering if those teasing remarks are true and if that is what people really think of her.
is that what a girl who flies under the radar is? every word rings true for me. maybe i simply am a girl who flies under the radar. a girl who is invisible

it's almost 2 am
i'm on the floor
curled up
in the green blanket
the one you lent to me
it's been washed
but i'm smelling it
in hopes that it smells like you
because i miss you
i want you next to me
but you're there and i'm here
and there are tears in my eyes
with the green blanket around me

people call me beautiful
but they don't see what's underneath
that's who i really am
ugly thoughts, ugly person

it's hard to believe
another year has come and gone
i used to call you daddy
i now call you dad
you have accomplished so much in 51 years
traveled the world
europe, asia, africa, australia, and north america
despite growing up in a small town
married for 22 years
two daughters turning 18 and 20
you have helped me through life, one step at a time
so, to the first man i've loved, thank you
you have accomplished so much
and have so much more to accomplish

It’s nights like this that really get to me. The nights where nothing happens and you can feel something in your soul. There’s something there, lurking and you’re not sure what it is, but you know that it can’t be good. I can feel it now. It’s there, almost taunting me. I have to turn up my music so that’s all I can hear, not even hearing the buzzing of my phone against the wood desktop, not even the keys clicking as I tap e-a-c-h  i-n-d-i-v-i-d-u-a-l  o-n-e. I have to block it out or fill it with something. Something other than sadness and pain. Because I know that’s what’s going to happen if I dwell on it and I know that something is not what I need or want. I can tell what’s going to happen: that sadness is going to come and take me away. I’ll be swept up and carried away until I can’t tell what direction up is or my left from my right. I can’t listen to sad music either; that’ll only make it worse. Because I know what will happen. I can’t let that happen to me, not again. I have to distract myself, otherwise, I’m a goner.