The last time she saw me naked
I was a child

who would plead for forgiveness by cutting it into her skin
and who you could tell still walked barefoot
through winter and snow near
her best friend’s boat
to light a joint they would put out on her wrist.  

(She said it was beautiful
but I was destroying myself and it was beautiful
like the blood left on a train-track after someone jumps.)

december 29th –  i was a blizzard
infant, had
not gained my first color until the new year

even my eyes went white, were made of snowflakes
even my heartbeat had
a murmur, landed on my ribcage like snowfall

and every three months i give myself
up to my childhood
dye my hair so i stop fading into my white sheets

their threads are stitched from
the breath of ghosts, my mother never called to say
she wished it were hers

now
i only ever believe i have skin when it is
not being touched.

we stuck out our tongues and rested the pills on them
like a congregation receiving communion

then we looked up at the stars
and smiled like we had finally found God

I was supposed to be
the one who had
her **** together.

I was confident
that between us
I would be the one
who would have it easy this year

and it turns out
everyone is doing
     much
            better
than I.

Maybe I can fix the path
that I've been going through

I don't want to be the person
I thought that they would become.

Please
let me succeed.




                                                                                                            CT

My parent's bed makes my back sore
But last night I came in at one
Because my father was gone and
My mother was
Crying

It's not your fault, Dad
But I want to sleep in the comfort
Of knowing what's going on

Don't let my back be sore forever
Don't leave us in the dark

you’ll find me
on the streets
offering love to strangers
reaching out with my arms
with sweet words
bubbling out of my lips
but when you hug me
in relief
at having found me
I will recoil
scream
look at you
with wild eyes
and fear
wondering
who you are
my love
because
like a beast
I am afraid of fire
and I will try to hide it
behind my own flame
which offers no warmth
to anyone
and
you will wonder
where I have gone
and eventually you will
realize that I haven’t
gone anywhere
and you will
leave me there
to fend off the cold
in my own ways
and take your love
to someone not so
much a cowering
beast