There was something flighty in your nature
How you avoided certain subject's
Its like your veins were on fire
Burning for something more than
this

And, well, umm I get that I really do
But I never felt like running
From something
that wasn't
chasing
you

So before you crap your pant's
Or spread those wings and "fly"
Remember you cant
outrun

you cant outrun the sky


And when you shake your head and say
your just looking for something more
Remember
The journey of a thousand miles
Begins when you have left the door

So don't hover in the doorway child
Or make a lucky run out "back"
There are something's you are afraid of
That don't always
attack

So while you're looking through the peep-hole
and checking for monsters under your bed
Remember some monsters
Only exist inside your head

And its okay to be afraid child
I'm sure we all are everyday
But sometimes you gotta stay and fight kiddo
Sometime's you gotta *stay

I heard my brittle bones breaking in your hands
As I collapsed
collapsed
I thought I was made of steel
Or rubber
something that bends.
But never
breaks
Your hands were not comforting they
seemed all too steady
and your voice
was too robotic
When asking me to
Breathe
How could you ask me such a thing?
At a time like that?
have you no heart?

I don't cry in-front of people
You could've had the decency to leave me broken
On the kitchen floor,
So I could carry on saying that
"I never really cry..."
as a testament to my strength

But you had to grab my bruised wrist's
and push denial away
"Shhh..its okay."
  I could've held on a little longer
Had I known
You weren't here to
stay

"I feel sorry for you."
His voice was never one to mock.
It was always gentle, non-judgemental. (where's the catch?)
It didn't stop me from laughing anyway.
"Why?"

"It must **** to go through life too scared to really give a **** about anything."
(no really where's the catch?)

I admit, I lost my wit, there was nothing I could think of to say.
My tongue rolled around in my mouth looking for lost words
Checking behind every tooth to see if they were hidden there.
I managed to cough once to see if any were lodged in my throat.
But all I could think of was how
beautiful
he looked in the moonlight
the only thing giving light to his eyes, half a cigarette
I wondered then If the burning stump gave his eyes that red tint
or maybe
he was born with it.
******* on his cancer stick.
Maybe that's were he got his words from
I should start smoking too.
Maybe
"The world isn't so black and white, you know?"
He had a way of making the truth sound poetic
Like it did on that hill, by that creek, under that moon
By the burning cigarette
all I could think to say was
"The truth is only pretty in certain light"

I dreamt that a filthy mouse
Somehow climbed into my mouth
As I tried to pry it out by its tail
And somehow in this dream
I ended up chewing this filthy thing
That got stuck on my teeth like toffee
How disgusting
How disgusting

So I sat down to write by a window
That looked over this beautiful sunset
And every time I wrote a word
A crack in the glass would appear
I grew so frustrated that I thought
**** it I'll write anyway
My mistake
The window broke
And I got ****** into this deep dark hole
Of nothingness
of nothing
With the taste of the rotting mouse in my mouth
With the words flowing out all around
The things I couldn't say
The things I couldn't write

Stu-stu-stuttering
Under those beautiful shadows
Near edgar street
Halloween, light lamps
pumpkins
Sh-sh-shaking hands
You looked so
broken
shattered

"You haven't been yourself lately."
"Well maybe I have."
"No no no this isn't you."
"Maybe it is, maybe im just sick of pretending."
-"Have you been eating?
When's the last time you had a goodnight's sleep?"
"Why does it matter..."

I wanted to remember how the light illuminated your cheekbones
But made those shadows under your eyes darker
They seemed to taunt your face
Dancing around producing fearful images
I was surprised you were still awake
What a beautiful mess you looked...
What a beautiful mess you looked like

"Y-you-you think the world is a beautiful place dont you?"
"I think It can be." You looked haunted.
"Yeah, for those who sleep."

My mother said I had my fathers eyes
I always thought I kinda looked like a bug
But not in that
Strange-insecure way
Just in the way we stare at lady bugs when were kids
And we don't judge them,because they just are
Before we learn to be afraid
And start calling them "insects"

My mom also said, drugs were the best thing that ever happened to her
to the world
to society
A teenage girl in a woman's body
Forever sifting through history
The never ageing blue eye'd hippie;

So I set out on a journey
to somehow find what she said was so great
I swore to myself that I would be the next drug
And do what it takes
To change the world
   To change society
     To be the best thing that ever happened to my mother
        The eternal hippie

I also think the women in my family
Have this uncanny knack
At finding these beautiful
wrecks of men

Her last boyfriend blew his brains out
  I was three and thought we painted the walls

Steven was her boy toy, with an artist's deep dark eyes
  I used to watch him paint
   He'd drink a little too much
   watch a little too much ****

She found him in his car
And then Brett
Who was the whitest thing we saw
Blonde hair and white eyes
  Well by the time we got there
He was already gone

So she says to me "Honey, don't make the mistakes I made, these weak men,
    well they aren't tortured artists, tortured souls, just misguided little boys."

     I haven't been able to quite shake that curse off
  I guess its something in the nature
  In the way that we walk
    The words that we say
      The way that we talk

But I'm sick of being the unpaid therapist
And staying up all night thinking about
   Problems that aren't even mine

  Dangling the live's of people with this terminal illness
    This disease no one talks about
      Because its so ******* "Taboo"
         Hoping they will survive the night
             Leaving my phone on just instead

Being thankful when they call me
Drunk and sobbing
About this dark abyss of water
The chains around their ankles
In the light dawn of day
The clock says, 4 AM, the bed says come
Their cries say "stay"

Holding their mother's hands
At funerals
Thinking of something beautiful to say
When really, I think I just need to start hanging around with a new bunch of people

But I find everyone else quite boring, quite stupid, quite dumb
You know, the kind, go out get drunk
For the sake of a friday
Study for a test you'll take on monday

Its like they never feel
out
   of
      place
And like they will always be
quite
    okay

  I hope they will make it through the weekends
    Make it clear they are not alone
      But ive always been icky with emotion
         Talking about these "heavy" things
I
   just
      want to
quit

They tell me I'm great
And that I''ll go far
Because I posses such "intelligence"
For someone so young
I say Ive known greater
Ive known smarter
And the acid eating away at my insides
Is a direct result of all
your expectations
That I wont meet
And that test I'll fail on Friday
And all the teachers I'll let down
A doctor's daughter
The family of academics
That somehow bred a writers soul
A so called "artist"
However intellectual
I cannot do this
I cannot