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Odi Jan 2012
I saw you sitting on our front porch
It was a dull, silent day
The kind you find in Colorado
at spring time, early may
And the kids are at school
And the housewives are too busy cleaning the house
cooking their meals
Washing the lipstick stains off their husbands shirts

And you looked cute like little kids do
with a chubby face and baby hands
I sat next to you
and asked you what you were doing
You said "I'm waiting for the rain."
why?
"Because I like the smell of it."

You reaffirmed my sense in humanity then.
Someone who was only 5 years old
You made me want to go home and destroy every razor I had stashed away
Rip out every sad sob story of a poem I had written
Open up every curtain in that death stained house
That smelled like body odor
and human warmth
But it lacked
life

You made me want to scream and cry
and say "yes yes yes you're smart little guy!"

But I stared in amazement as thunder was heard
And now when I hear it, im reminded of your words
As I held your little hands in mine, the neighbour boy
and we danced in the rain as you squealed with delight
five years old with beautiful brown eyes
I could only hope one day Id have a brother like you
That was before my mom had the baby

And you were just a little boy
so every time it rains
I think of that dance
and how it smelled
and how it tasted when I found out that your stepfather had beaten your brains out

     3 years later
        after we'd moved.
That sweet-bitter taste.

of life laughing in your face
I know this *****, but I felt the need to write about it.
Odi Jan 2012
It seems like we waited forever in that waiting room
I kept trying your cell
Just to see where you had gone
Until you came back 3 hours later
Looking like ****
Shirt wrinkled
Tie rumpled
Face crumpled

Bruised knuckles

Looked like you had been bargaining with the God of war
It was a week from his funeral and I hadn't ever seen you dressed up since
You came to it in slacks and a wife beater stinking of alcohol

With eyes that looked like fire
like fury
like you were blind
like ice

And I willed myself to walk over to your heavy frame
  Shaking against the wall
But then again I knew nothing I could say
Could somehow make your anger go away

I realised you had every right.

So I just kept whispering a thousand apologies
Mumbled "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry"

Until your bleeding knuckles
Punched the knocked out plaster
And the sound of your bruised bones breaking
Against that ******* wall

Too deafening, for me to hear at all.
And the nurses rushed around you

To try to calm your thoughts
But all I could think of was a gorilla
King Kong
Mighty Joe

Some beautiful ferocious animal
that beat on its chest
Out of anger
Out of fear
Out of pain
Odi Jan 2012
When your lips touched that bottle
And swallowed me whole
I thought good because
atleast I'd have  a better chance at keeping those things down
Whatever it was that you were trying to
push away
By drinking

But I was lost in your stomach
And made deaf by the sound of your heart
Your acid eroded me
And those monsters in that deep hollow pit
The ones in the dark
Well, they tore my limbs apart

I tried to find my way through
Cling on to something solid
but all I could hear was
*** *** ***

I didnt know you had a heart
But, you did keep it well hidden

Oh wait, that was mine
The sound of my own beating drum
As I desperately tried to
Get to you

I fell in love with your words
That beautiful mouth
That binded me to you
Like the alcohol in your blood
The blood that was never free from
your
own
self inflicted
Poison
Odi Jan 2012
Your hands looked older than the rest of you
Reminded me of my grandfather's
I always thought eyes were the first to age

But don't worry
they were next
After the sleepless nights
"You look like a zombie kid,
Like something that should of been buried a long time ago-"

I never thought you would take my words so seriously
   The way you walked to class
      passed me in the hall,
        you didn't even see me

Because of the cloud in-front of you
          In a mist
            In a fog
               You can call it
Whatever the ******* want

But you were gone
And I searched through all those papers in your desk
Somewhere for an answer
But knowing you, you probably kept all those secrets in your head
Where you knew that they were safer

And all I want, is to satisfy this curiosity
I just want to know
Why did you have to leave?

Im the kind that  needs  answers

What was eating at you?
Gnawing at your bones?
You became a stick figure
Someone I used to know

What was eating at ya?'
How come no one knew?
Would you tell us now?
Could we face the truth...

Was it a repressed memory
  something you mentioned when we were fifteen
About an uncle in a basement built on hate
And in that tree house under the blue
  you said was where you felt safe

Was it when you started smoking
to calm your shaking hands
Or stopped taking pictures
Or when you joined that band?

  Because I swear to ******* god
you had the biggest smile I knew
The most goofiest grin
  the funniest jokes

And I swear to god if lose one more
I just mind end up like you too

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Well why the **** would I want to keep living here
without
you
Another one of these. My apologies.
Odi Jan 2012
Many think of anger, as hot
fiery
volcanoes erupting
The ground shaking
Thunder
In my fathers voice

When I think of being angry
I think of silence
Of turning the ocean to ice
I think of glass
And reflections
I think of lava
because I think true rage
is kept hidden

It isn't the smoke that escapes nature's destruction
Or the roaring flames that engulf it
It isn't a thousand shattering windows
Or a deafening wind

Its the silent, burning lava
Rage is eternal
Destroying all in its path
Without so much as a
*Whisper
Odi Jan 2012
They pretended not to notice how much you had changed
But they did comment on your thinning face
And how much healthier you looked
How much better
They pulled you to the side "Oh my gosh, how did you do it?"
Quizzical looks
They didn't know that the weight you lost
Was unintentional
A compensation for the heavy load inside
You tried to somehow shake off
You hated your jutting rib bones,
Losing your sanity along with your "baby" fat
You lost what made you a woman

No no one noticed your gaunt eyes
and the sharp angle of your cheekbone
Like pain
and the way you started drinking
(Although you never stopped)

They didn't notice the new scars you kept hidden with makeup
Meticulous
careful
calculating
So unlike you
No no one noticed how your eyes shone a little less brighter
Especially when you smiled

Apart from that ex-boyfriend you left a winter ago
Standing in the cold
Because he was an *******
But ******* can be right
And you saw the way he looked at you like-
the way you used to look at a broken mirror
Wondering which piece to pick up first
And start gluing back together
The way you looked at your own blood flow from your wrist's
A little scared, amazed, numb..
Like "Where do we start first?"
And "What happened here?"
Thats how he looked at you
*Atleast someone noticed
Odi Jan 2012
Blood is not thicker than water
Just harder to wash out

Me the perpetual messiah
Trying to fix
all broken things
The never-ending, savior complex-

Like that bird we found in our backyard
When I was five;
And I had to learn that
"All living things die-"

I wish mom would've taught me that
"You cant save everyone"
Instead.

You are not a bird
You don't suffer from broken wings
Your wound's are internal
Invisible

Forever perplexing the mind of
thousands of
boggled doctors

Like I was supposed to pick up
What an X-Ray couldn't.

And inject you with some secret serum
That escaped from my lips
I spent so much time
Trying to clasp your wounds shut
So much energy
But you bled out
Right in front of me

You aren't a friggin' bird.

And I cant save you.
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