I broke down
And I cried so hard
And I prayed
And I told God
That I'm doing
This for me now
I'm gonna read
The Bible
I'm gonna pray
And I will
Find a way
To get to Heaven
I told God
That I love him
And that I love you
And that I'm hurting
And that I want your happiness
Though I wish it was with me
I cried harder
At the admittance
Of my Christianity
Then when my heart
Was smashed
And maybe you were right
And I was wrong
But I asked God for help
And I have faith
He will save me
That I can save me
And that I will see you
Even if its in heaven
Our hearts
Our souls
Will meet again.

On the outside
I seem okay
But inside I'm
Just a broken disaster
The only comfort I find
Are the ache of the memories
The hope you gift me
And when I read the Bible
And when I pray
And break into tears.

I knew
This Christmas
Would be missing
Something
Once all
The gifts
Unwrapped
Spewed
All over
I realized
The usual
Excitement
From previous years
Didn't exist
Because all
Those Christmas
Mornings
I had gifts
To make
Me happy
Its what I needed
For they temporarily
Filled the void in me
But this year
My void goes unfilled
Because you
Are not here
And you
Are the strength to go on
Usually you keep
My weak soul
Hanging on
I hope I see you soon
This void of mine
Misses you
I miss you.

Pretend that when I cry in the middle of the night that I'll be alright.
Pretend I'll live on without him.
Pretend That I don't constantly dream of him.
Pretend that I don't reminisce of he and I kissing passionately in the rain.
Pretend I don't lie awake at night thinking of his face.
Pretend he didn't break my heart.
Pretend he never left.Maybe then I will Pretend.

If I let myself realize it I know I'll BREAK.

I can watch,
smile,
pretend love doesn't run through these veins,
my love is alone,
it's a burning fire without anything to contain it,
it slips through me,
I spread it here and there,
on him or him,
but not the only person i ever wanted,
my desire for him was burned at the stake,
I had to let go,
and now I only pretend,
pretend it doesn't ache,
pretend i'm not alone,
pretend I'll make it through the fire and learn to be me.

I've always been best at rebellion
Secret rebellion my most acomplished
I've always been best at standing out
And never blending in
Somehow fading into the background
While sticking out like a nail
I've learned to be original
There isn't a copy of me anywhere
I'm unique
And while I don't always love
My strange or weird tendencies
They make me feel stronger
Prouder
As though I finally have somthing worth fighting for
And I'm not doing it for attention
I'm doing it all because it is who I am
Strange as it seems
I like being me
And even though it gets lonely sometimes
Every once in a while I come across someone that
Has pride and originality
Someone that doesn't care
And who's weirdness
Matches mine
And then I laugh
Because I know not everyone
Has become a follower.

I want to
I wish I could
But the past
Ruined me
And every time
I try to
My body
Screams not to
I'm sorry
I truly am
I really do want to
But I'm not there yet
Give me a little more time.

I wish
I could
Meet you
In a empty
Room
But not
For anything
Enjoyable,
But for
A little chat
Because I
Have a feeling
If the world
Left you and me
Alone
You'd
Talk to me
Not about me
And maybe
We can figure out
Your **** problem!

The problem with him is
He's not you

The problem is
I don't love him
The way I love you,
Or at all for that matter

The problem is
I don't want to
Hug him or kiss him
The way I want to
Hug and kiss you

The problem is
He knows
I'm in love with you
That no matter what
I can't erase how I feel

The problem is
That he doesn't
Match me
Or move me to tears
With his presence
And he doesn't inspire me

The problem with him
And with every man
I will ever meet
Is that *They're not you

I have to realize
We've changed
And the only one
He truly loves
Is the girl
I use to be.

I loved you
I did
I promised
I always
Would
But I
Buried it
So I could
Bury the pain
But now
When our lips
Meet
My heart
Flutters
And I
Remember
I believed
You were
My soul-mate
My true love
I believe
Again
And though
I'm scared
Thank you
For just the hope.

I promise you my mind is so full of words that are begging to be written, the just don't know how to pour out in the right order.

I promise I'm so much smarter and filled with this untapped potential.

I promise that there's a novel in me and one day I'll bind the book myself.

I promise when you see me and you notice all the things I hate that I can still change.

I promise there are so many scars you cannot see that are still bleeding, and I'm still wrapping them up. Covered in years of gauze.

I promise that every judgement I have is just a deflection of my own pain.

I promise the bad thoughts and I are always at war. It's this lifelong battle but it is worth every moment of clarity.

I promise there's so much more to come from my soul just let it breathe.

I admit that my life
Is still an absolute disaster
But to think of all I've endured
And where I've reached
I can say I'm proud
I'm proud that
It's been almost one year
Since I last cut
And I'm proud
That I no longer
Have dependency on a therapist
And well now I can sleep in Saturdays
And I'm happy I'm his forever
And I'm proud we've been together
For this long
I'm stressed
And nothing is ever perfect
Because life is not
Perfect
And it never will be
But as of now
I'm okay
I'm happy even
And sure
I've been crying again
But being a teenager
And a female
Gives me the right to break down
When stressed and
I know
Change is coming
And coming fast
But I'll take it best I can
And try to make things
Work out in my favor
I'm not who I use to be
And that makes me proud
I'm someone who smiles
And can laugh
I can breathe without
A broken heart
Or a weight on my shoulders
And despite my responsibilities
I'll survive where I am
You see I finally have something to be
Proud of
Life
My life and how I've grown
How I try
Each and every day
I try my hardest
And no one can tell me I don't
Because when I wake up
I know my heart found its
Keeper
And with him
Everything else has finally
Begun to fall into place
And if it takes some time and effort
I'll make sure
Everything ends up okay
I won't go back
Not **EVER.

I feel like
We've finally
Fallen into place
There isn't a single part
Of us I hate
We
Yes, Us
We're doing just fine.


Who said young love doesn't last?

Prove you love me
Without words
Convince me
That you wanna spend
Forever with me
With a kiss
Or a smile
Or a look
If o am yours
Prove it
Not just to me
But to everyone
Who ever doubted
What we could be

I want
to provoke him
To the point
Where his
only option
For control
To once again
Be his
Is to take me
And ravish me
once more.

I Don't Know You Well
But your smile
Makes my heart
Flutter
Your greeting
Makes me
At loss
For words
When I see you
Everything else
Blurs
And all I can see
Is you
All I see
Is the string
That's connected
From my heart
To yours
And I'm
Being pulled in.

Body near compulsion
I'm pulling and grasping
Trying to breathe while breathless
Our bodies merge
They try to understand
Smashing together with
No connection
It makes so little difference
Because I'm still pulling and pleading
Wanting and waiting
First timer my friend
Yet so well practiced
So knowledgeable of what's right
I wanted and received
I achieved my goal
your in my clutches
my body is yours just as your body
is mine
I'll show you the ropes
but babe it seems lke
you know the whole obstacle course.

Punch**
My gut bellows

What a fool I am

To believe even for a moment
That I could look past first love

That I would stop needing him
That I would stop wanting him

First and foremost he was a friend

He didn't understand me
Not completely

Oh how he knows my soul
My truest desires

He's gone from my life
Wiped away like chalk

A faint impression left behind

How oh how could I ever tell myself

That I could find even a glimpse of happiness without him.

While my body
Grips on tight
My strained mind
Tries to slip away
Everyday
Is so hard to bare
Especially without you
Yet in my struggle for
Happiness
I find that I am even more dependent
And that you aren't nearly
So I sit alone tonight
Molding a purple heart
Wanting to smash it
Hoping something
Anything in me
Would come together
If I break it
The still harsh reality is that
I don't like to break hearts
So I'll keep it
Hold it
Make a wish upon it
For clarity in all my chaos
And I shall put it safely away
Hoping it's safety will somehow
Save me and my sanity.

I simply
Do not
Understand
The complexities
Of myself
So no
I do not
Understand
Others
But I try
I try to
Solve this puzzle
Of me
And hopefully
While I piece
Together the images
And hidden meanings
Maybe I can start to
Understand the puzzle
That is you
Or the
Hardest puzzle of all,
Humanity.

They whisper with stares
I answer with my tears
My heart is racing
Hands trembling
I am the fool in the crowd
Yet I'm part of the out crowd only
I'm the ghost girl wisping by
The nobody you see
So messed up
The complete opposite of right
Perhaps the devils daughter
Could aphrodite and hades mate?
They seem to have made me
A darkness so full and complete
A never ending love filled to the brim
She is some new creature
I am
A mistake by the gods
The Queen
The Goddess of Heart break.

I have questions for you

What do you gain
  When you talk about me
  What makes all the lies
  Worth it for you
  Why do you STILL
Make up vicious lies
  When it's been so long
  Since you meant something
  Or since I *wanted to mean
  Something, anything
  Tell me why?
  Why?

Will you love me
Years from now
When conversation
Runs low
And there's
Just the daily us
Mocking your attention
Will you love me
If our child is grown and gone
And we're once again left
To twiddle our thumbs
Will you love me in old age
When its unlikely we're able to move
Nonetheless make love
Will you love unto your grave
Even if I should pass first
And your left alone for some time
Will you love me
As I swear
To always love you.

He was my first kiss

Maybe that's why

Only his kiss feels right


He has lips almost my size

Maybe that's why

It feels so right to have them against mine


He's my first love

And maybe that's why

I think his kiss is best

But maybe it's because

We're actually meant to be.

I'd guess I'd have to say

Your kiss

Is always like the rain

Its always refreshing

Comforting

It can wipe away thoughts

It demolishes my fears

It soothes

I love the rain

But I love your kisses

A million times more.

I thought you loved me
For who I am
Not who I was
Or who you wanted me to be
I thought you'd always be here
I thought this time was different
And that you wouldn't hurt me
I thought this was forever
But in an instance you can take it all back
And in a instance we can be broken
And I fear it
For you are all I have
You are my reason for living
So now where do I go for comfort
Because you agreee with the cruelty of him
And I've been begging for forgiveness and yet
It has not come
And I prayed to God
And yet He seemed not hear me
I am nothingness
I am a monster
Made from love and destroyed by it
I was once happy
And that was in your arms
When you were not blinded
Who am I
I am nothing
For what have I ever been
Without your comfort.

I've come to a point
Where I want to run from everyone
And everything
To run from my own life
Every move I make feels wrong
And every choice disappoints someone

I am in a storm
And I cannot seem to survive
I feel myself breaking apart
Like a wet piece of paper

I am incapable of piecing myself back
I cannot choose anymore
My heart is a **** fool
And my mind is forgetting all too fast.

I've made
A lot of mistakes
In my short life
But some things
I will never
Do again
Is burying myself
Is burying my love
I will never again
Try to stop this feeling
And I will never stop
Fighting for you
My love reaches
So far beyond
The average means
God gave me and you
Large sensitive hearts
To love each other with
So listen to it beats
Rythmically move us
To tears and nothing can stop this
Connected by love and history
No matter where you go
I will find you
Even if years from now
I must reach out
Fly over oceans
I will find you
God awakens me
Inspires me to fight
Tells me we're suppose to be
Meant to love each other
Because the strength we find
The happiness we find
In time spent cuddled together
Or kissing in the rain
It inspires the world
It defeats all wariness
We're a special love
That no one understands
But it's because of that
We're held together
Forever bonded
In my heart
You will always be my husband
And I am your wife
And I may not be the strongest
Or the most positive
But I believe in us
In our love
And because of it
I believe we'll survive
Survive through the worst of storms
And we'll come out hand in hand
Thanking God for everything
And praying each day
We'll never have to part again
And I promise one day we won't.

The truth of it is
I am not good enough for them
That's why they leave me

They must wake up one day
And realize
I'm not beautiful
And they were crazy to ever say so

They must wake up
And wonder
Why they tell me they love me

They must wake up
And see
I'm flawed inside and out

My hair is thick and unruly
My body is not pretty or toned
My heart is fragile so I worry too much
I say "Hi" at random moments
And I'm too scared to touch
Because I think I'm a bother
I cry for no reason sometimes
I care too much and this scares them
So they see this and leave
Along the way making fake promises
About staying friends and about
Maybe one day being together again
But they'll always see me as flawed
They'll always see the failure
The crazy animal lady
The ****** who loved them too fast
I will never be perfect
And they will never love me for my flaws
They will never love me period
And no I'm not okay with living
As a broken woman
Because it's simply not fair
To love so much
To be broken every time.

I call others
All the names I use to call you
So it wouldn't itch at the tip of my tongue

But now when I call someone else
Sweetie pie
I think of you

I wish you were at the receiving end

You hated when I called you that and yet

Some days,

You called me it right back

And I knew it would be okay,

That we would be okay another day,

When did I stop being yours?

All I wanted was you
All I know is reality
And the reality is
I don't have you
And I feel like
I'm just dust
Being swept away
And the truth is
Too much is changing
Too much is wrong
But baby I'd do anything
To be yours again
Sweetie I'm trying
But that's not good enough
Nothing I do ever is
And I'm fighting here
All alone
Wishing that our love
Didn't keep me running
Around trying to prove myself
I wish I saw the monsters
So I can believe in them
So I can be motivated by them
So I can really fight
So I can yell at their faces
Instead of yelling at an empty room
I wish God answered my prayers
And saved me
I wish I knew if He listened
I wish I knew
If my prayers were answerable
Or that He'd show me
What to do
What's right
Oh sweetie
Why is life so hard
Why are you so worth
A million hard lifetimes to me
I just want the ache to settle
I want to be safe
Baby all I want is you
And this fight is insane
But I'd fight through
And do anything to be
Back with you
My dearest husband
I will find a way
And it will hurt
For all the days
All the months
All the years I'm unsafe
But I want to be back
In those arms
So I'll fight
I'll find a way
Because our love
Is too special
To give up on
So baby will you
Just take my hand in spirit
And guide me on the right path
And I promise to follow.

I'm weird
When I sleep
I leave my TV on
Because I fear the creaks
In the night
And I fear the dark
Because I sense there are
Always monsters
Lurking in it
I get deja vu
And I remember most of my dreams
They always seem vivid
And so real that I wake up sometimes
Crying or afraid
Or just plain confused
Sometimes I can look at a person
And tell if they're "vibe"
Is good or bad
Sometimes I like to look at people
And make up a story about how they've
Been damaged
And sometimes
I think I'm just plain crazy
For all the little things I do
Or all the things I feel.

I wanted to be a poet at nine
I remember writing then
Words about love
A forgein thing
I yearned to know
And I've discovered it now
Years later
But these words
They no longer seem right
Because my poetry
Is meh
I've seen myself grow into this person
One I've gotten at least a little comfortable
I just feel talentless
Like no matter what I say
Or what I do
Its not good enough for society
I'm sixteen
And the world has tossed me around
And I know liars who are better at life
And I know fakes that always get their way
But I work for it
And I know life's not fair
But I tried
And I dreamed
But I guess not all dreams come true
And no matter how long you never give up
The world never gives in
The world never gives chances
But I'm still trying to make them for myself.

I love
The way in which
You preferred me
As me,
Natural
Even if
It means being a mess
How you still
Called me beautiful
Even when I laid bare
I loved the way you
Always saw more in me
And I wish I knew
Exactly how you saw me
Because sweetie
I think you're pretty amazing too
I always have
And no one else will ever
Compare.

I like to
Play
Games
With my head
I like to ask
Questions
Like
What if
Destiny
brought us together
What if it was God
Could it both
Was it?
I get so lost
In this mind
Asking unanswerable
Questions.