Victoria Jennings

Victoria Jennings Nov 2020

It's not that I hate you
It's I hate the way it all played out

I hate that I felt used
I hate that I had felt hope

I hate that you ruined everyone else for me

I hate that I can't love someone that same way I loved you

Like the world was gonna crash down around me without your kiss

I hate that you still make me rethink every choice I make

Is it morally sound
Is it logical
Will I regret it right after

You did so much damage
Even during the parts you weren't even in my life

The emptiness of not having you then made me do so many bad things

The absolute dread of the day to day without you use to drive me crazy

That's one thing that's improved
I know how to live without you

I know how to miss you and not love you

I know how to hate you and not hate you all at once

You're the start to my story
Even if it was already in the middle

Reading the story of my life is like reading a book that isn't very interesting until a few chapters in and then you can't help but keep reading to see how it ends. The exciting parts are where you stepped in and then finally out.

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

The cries of battle

I've built a wall so tall
I'm not even sure how to tear it back down

I've blocked out so much pain

Buried it deep inside

Tried to wash away the blood

Now that I'm stronger I'm trying to figure it out

How to unearth these deep wounds

Break down my walls

And remember my pain

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

The Dark Corners We Hide In

Sometimes I question pouring myself out

Telling someone every bad thing

Every nightmarish part of me

I want them to tell me I'm strong

I want them to pity me just a little

I want them to try to heal these scars

I want to tell you every dark crevice of my soul

And tell me it's okay.

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

Bad Habits

I think I'm still trying to fill all these wounds

Each bullet from another traumatic event

Fill them up

Fill them with things I know

Are just as bad for me

But if they hurt less than the bullets

They must be okay

Right?

Victoria Jennings Oct 2020

Mistress she is

I don't think I know love

You see,

For the entirety of my life

I was so sure

I was positive I knew her

I knew her inside and out

I knew she was beautiful and kind

But I feel like the fairytale just shattered before my eyes

Like this painting I've spent my life working on has just been doused

I thought I knew love

I thought she was my friend

More than that I thought she was life, air, I thought she was a necessity

But as I grow and age

I begin to wonder if it isn't love I need

Just the warmth of a body

Of a hug

After hours of crying

Just a kiss

After a day long headache

I wonder if love knows

She isn't perfect

If she knows how many days are spent yelling and arguing

There's this bitterness to life that I never anticipated

And I still don't think my body has quite learned how to process it

Maybe one day I'll learn

Maybe one day I'll understand love

Maybe.

Victoria Jennings Sep 2020

Repair

It's like I keep trying to piece back these broken shards

They were once a whole beautiful vase

And now they're pieces scattered across our room

I don't know I to put a band aid on to make it better

How do you fix something so broken?

Victoria Jennings Sep 2020

Never Gonna Happen

I think somewhere along the lines

My brain and heart got together

And decided it wanted you

I don't know how to get them to stop now.