quitters never win
winners never quit
but if you stay in the game you lose
so we're all quitters
rats
abandoning a sinking ship

I am not characterized
by red roses,
white pills,
dark circles,
or by sad poems,
dark clothes,
running mascara.
I am not
a warrior,
an angel
a silhouette,
or a dream,
a story,
a greyscale photograph.
My mind is sick,
not beautiful,
not tragic,
and not aesthetic.
If I jump,
I die.
If I cut,
I bleed.
And my death is forever.
And my blood is red.

your words were a pill that i knew i had to take-
a pill that was impossible to swallow.
i just held the pill inside my mouth
until the coating dissolved
and i was left with the bitter taste of those words.

hindsight is 20/20..
you know that now.
you didn't have to wait though.
from the outside it was obvious
how reckless you were being.
but you were blind.
you told me to tell you next time,
but will you ever listen?

that cat came back again
i had almost forgotten about him
he scratched me up again

they sell us cigarettes
get us addicted
so that even when
"smoking kills"
is stamped on each box
we keep buying and buying
maybe it's just another marketing trick
intrigue the hopeless addicts
with the possibility of their destruction

To sink, is to fall -
slowly and agonizingly,
longing for death -
an escape from the pain.

HELP!
Why can't I just die?

The deeper I sink,
the fewer people can save me,
and the fewer people try.
I am left to sink into the darkness and the cold.

Every breathless moment feels like an eternity.
I struggle to force the freezing water out of my lungs.

Here, I am doomed to remain -
forever sinking deeper,
constantly dying, never dead.
Unless...

Someone can dive down into the depths,
and pull me out of my prison,
my grave.

Please...
Save me...

there's  something
something in the stars
something in the trees
something in the oceans
something out there
out there among the mountains
out there among the rivers
out there among the canyons
something within me
within my bones
within my blood
within my soul
is it you?

Sometimes, I can wake up, and actually feel good about myself.
And if I'm lucky and it's a busy day, I can live without a sense of self-loathing.
But at night, when I'm not tired yet, theres no escape from the tears.

Sometimes, I can go weeks without shutting people out.
And if I talk to good people I can forget how evil humans are.
But when people try to hurt me, I have to shrink away to protect myself.

Sometimes, I can learn to love life, and smile.
And if I act out of compassion, I can make a difference.
But the smallest thing  can send me over the edge into a hatred for life.

hold onto it.
she used to look at me that way.









and losing her...
i wouldn't wish that on anyone,
certainly not you.

you float among waves
i float among stars
show me the oceans
i'll take you to mars
we can follow the sunset
because this world is ours
in a wave of emotion
we'll forget about scars
i'll show you my mind
though it is quite bizarre
i'll hold on to your words
like fireflies in a jar

I gazed up into the night sky,
staring in wonder at the beautiful stars.
My eyes fixed upon them,
I fell in love with their silver glow.

I began to stop fearing the night,
my radiant stars shone through the darkness.
They drowned out my demons,
they flooded my soul with their light.

But the good things cannot last,
can they?
This world must destroy
all that is valuable.

And so it was.
The skies began to crumble,
and my stars began to fall,
plummeting from their celestial home.

I stretched out my arms to catch the stars,
to save them from the freezing ground.
I caught them, and oh, how  they burned!
Those beautiful stars, so gentle, so fiery!

But I held them, none the less,
to save them from the harsh, dead earth.
I let them burn away at my skin,
my beloved beacons of hope, became my agonizing downfall.

how is it that something can still mean
nothing?
how is it that nothing could still mean
something?
and how can the nothing that means something be the same nothing as the something
that means
nothing?

soldiers desensitized
prisoners dehumanized
images that burn in your eyes
it seems like a crime to breathe this air
this air that weighs so heavily
upon our minds
trees old enough to have seen
the sins of mankind
unspoken words hang above us
as we stand under the gallows
and echoes of
"what if that had been us?"
and the chimney
dwarfing the cross

but purple lilies grow here now

I've dug myself into this valley,
Surrounded by walls of dirt,
The light of the sun is all but lost,
I am trapped in emptiness and darkness.

I cannot escape,
I can only dig deeper,
So I do, I dig deeper into the darkness
And I don't know why.

i cut and paste line after line
from your book of tragedies
to patch up broken phrases
in my broken poetry

i carve out line after line
out of each of your words
while stones may break these bones
words can never *hurt

you can't decide who you are
you can't tell people how you feel
you can't motivate yourself to do ****
you cant stop destroying yourself
you can't see the good in things
you can't make your words sound nice
you can't do anything
and it's all your fault

he's got a vice grip on my soul
and his icy breath chills me to the bone
he's got me stuck playing the same old role
and living in a place that's not my home

the accuser's got a plan for me tonight
and right now he's got me in his sights
he's taking his time drowning me in shame
now he's gonna make me forget my name

i didn't choose to love
but love decided to haunt me.
       love decided to taunt me
                                torture me
with what i didn't want before
                 what i now long for
                                      but can never have.

You are my addiction,
my pain,
my Achilles Heel.
You are the reason I loose sleep,
the circles under my eyes,
the weight on my shoulders.
You are my painkiller,
and the reason I need it.
You are a cycle
in which I am trapped.
You are tearing me apart,
but I let you,
because something about it
is the only thing
that makes me feel alive.

when dead becomes the new normal
life starts to feel wrong.
you feel weaker every time
someone calls you strong.
am i dead to you
like you're dead to the world?
did you become my poison
or were you killing me all along?

My eyes -- they were too dry to cry anymore,
So I forced tears of red from my wrists.

My heart -- It was too numb to feel anymore,  
So I took a blade to my flesh, seeking the strongest feeling I knew: pain, a reminder that I was alive and human.

My legs -- They were too weak to carry me anymore,
So I collapsed, falling back into my old, self-destructive habits.

My mind -- It was too clouded to think anymore,
So I chased away the sickly fog with a hurricane of pain, and fought through the storm, until I found what I sought: the eye, my relief.

The week after I died...

I sat down beside you on your sofa.
I watched.
Your hands shook as much reading my note
As mine did writing it.
Your jaw trembled, your eyes filled with tears.
I saw the cracks starting to form
Just as I had felt them.
You mouthed the words that I was thinking:

"I'm sorry."

What have I done?
I can't undo this.

I didn't know you needed me.
You didn't know I needed you.
I've left you behind to follow the same path that I did.
If only we'd been more honest with each other.
But now,

It's too late.

you seem to underestimate
the amount of hurt
the amount of hate
the amount of sorrow
that it takes
to hold up a razor
a lighter
to skin
to turn against instinct
self-preservation
in favor of pain
self-harm

in a city
where no building
is more than
four stories high
i am trapped

in skin
i do not love
do not belong to
do not recognize
i am trapped

To love is to burn,
for to feel heat,
one must set their soul ablaze.

To breathe is to drown,
for with every breath of air,
comes a suffocating waterfall.

To think is to be crushed,
for our thoughts trap us,
under their weight.

It is so with all things.
The things that I need to do
destroy me.

I'm trapped.

Sitting in the middle
of an empty window frame,
Gripping the window sill
to keep my hands form shaking,
Feet swinging idly
sixty meters above the city street.
Staring blankly down
at the sidewalk below.

There are two ways off this ledge,
to turn back, or to jump.
I sit for hours wondering,
to press on, or end my pain?
The sun has long since left the sky,
leaving me lost in the dark.
One thought remains in my mind:
to end this misery.

I close my eyes,
I slowy inch towards the edge.
Twenty stories up...
Ready to fall...
Just one final push...

please think about. it ask yourself why you can't sleep. don't be afraid to dig down deep. deep down we all know that we were meant for more than this- more than burnt out days and nights and flickering lights that poison our minds and leave us with static thoughts behind dark eyes because we never wondered why or how we wake up day by day even with souls crumbling away, or if or when we may just find what we have gotten used to hiding, biding our time for nothing at all until we find something more than typical.

love is easy to fake,
easy to confuse with adrenaline
you had no heart to break,
and i was just a slave to serotonin.
fluorescent street lights
made your eyes shine so bright.
for once in my life
i wasn't terrified of the night.

sit back relax
focus on the sound of your breathing
sit back relax
breathe in breathe out
county hospitals aren't much to look at
but you gotta love the view of the city
sit back relax
sit back relax

there's not much to do until the shock sets in
not much to say
not much to do
so just sit there fidget with the hem of your shirt
'til the shock sets in
'til the shock sets in
relax your eyes let the view out the window blur
'til the shock sets in

sit back relax
focus on the sound of your breathing
sit back relax
breathe in breathe out
county hospitals aren't much to look at
but you gotta love the view of the city
sit back relax
sit back relax

okay it's morning now, anxiety turns to boredom
not much to say
and no one to talk to
so try not to focus on how much your head hurts
just try to breath
just try to be
just try to focus on the beat of your heart
just try to be

sit back relax
focus on the sound of your breathing
sit back relax
breathe in breathe out
county hospitals aren't much to look at
but you gotta love the view of the city
sit back relax
sit back relax

maybe they'll let you go home
or they'll send you somewhere else
but for now
sit back relax

you're the toaster to my bubble bath,
the canary to my gold mine

When I'm with you I will always be warmer
Not just because you lend me your coat
As we wait for snow, we'll watch the sky together
But I'll sneak a glance at you and get a lump in my throat

Cause what's the point of cold if there's no snow?
And what's the point of staying now if eventually you'll go?

By next Christmas maybe I'll learn to live without you
But I swear to you you'll never be replaced
If we meet again, I hope we don't need to start over
I hope everything we've written down together isn't erased

Cause what's the point of memories that fade away?
What's the point of trying if I can't get you to stay?

mistakes
or second guessing
no one will know now
what that eraser dust was

she sensed a venom in her blood
slowly killing her heartbeat.
she knew she had to fix it.
she thought that the only way
to rid her flesh of this toxin
was to cut it out.
she tried.
she failed.
she learned to live with poisoned blood
and a dead heart.

I built these walls to protect myself
I couldn't risk any more wars
You're standing just outside the wall
But I'm never opening the doors

My life was stuck in greyscale
Until you came along
With beautiful watercolors.
You painted the skies
With amethyst and sapphire
With coral and azure.
You painted the autumn trees,
With amber and titian
With hazel and maroon.
You flooded the dark oceans
With turquoise and navy.
You sprinkled the grey mountains
With shimmers of flaxen sunlight.
My entire life exploded
Into an exquisite rainbow.

And then you left.
And the radiant world
You had painted for me
Slowly faded
Back into anaemic dust and gloom.

I had always been afraid to fly
I looked up to the sky, wondering "what if?"
That's when I saw you
Always flying, afraid of falling.
You looked down at me, I looked up at you,
Each so fixated with the other,
We forgot that we were also gazing at our greatest fears.
I asked you to come down and be with me,
But you refused, for fear of falling down to the unforgiving ground.
You asked me to fly up and be with you,
But I couldn't bring myself to soar towards the terrifying skies.
So, there we stayed,
Me staring up at you, you staring down at me,
Longing, and forever wondering,
"what if?"

I am from the Universe,
from stars and nebulas.
I am from the galaxies.
The delicate, the powerful,
every infinity, past, present, and future.
I am from the meteor showers,
the solar flares.
I am made of the same atoms
of all that was, is, and will be.

I am from everything under the sun and
everything beyond the sun,
from asteroids and Super Novas.
I am from the essence,
and the energy of all of time and space,
from life stories,
and chemical reactions.
I'm from everything that surrounds me,
the same vibrations move through my soul.

I'm from eons and eons back,
Science and History.
From the dark matter,
the icy cold blackness,
the billions of astronomical units of emptiness,
the fiery explosions,
the twinkling lights,
the white-hot comets,
and endless matter, endless space, endless possiblities.

I am from the Universe,
I am the Universe.
In everyday life,
I am the stars,
I am the earth,
I am the light and the darkness.
My eyes can hold galaxies.
My soul is written in the stars.
For I am from the Universe.