in a city
where no building
is more than
four stories high
i am trapped

in skin
i do not love
do not belong to
do not recognize
i am trapped

I am not characterized
by red roses,
white pills,
dark circles,
or by sad poems,
dark clothes,
running mascara.
I am not
a warrior,
an angel
a silhouette,
or a dream,
a story,
a greyscale photograph.
My mind is sick,
not beautiful,
not tragic,
and not aesthetic.
If I jump,
I die.
If I cut,
I bleed.
And my death is forever.
And my blood is red.

how is it that something can still mean
nothing?
how is it that nothing could still mean
something?
and how can the nothing that means something be the same nothing as the something
that means
nothing?

i wished i was dead
i got my wish
i died
now, I want nothing more
than to feel
than to live

You're falling apart
but you still take the time
to make sure
I'm ok.

You're bleeding to death
but you still take the time
to bandage
my cuts.
  
You're dangling off the edge
but you still take the time
to talk me down
when I start step over.

You're falling apart
but you still take the time
to make sure
I'm ok.

After I die, I will remain-
Still on Earth,
but even more powerless than before.
And I will see those I love
fall to pieces,
powerless to help them.
I will stand by,
a ghost,
and watch the mess I left in my wake.
I will see what I love
destroyed
in the worst possible way-
From the inside out.
My Personal Hell.

You are my addiction,
my pain,
my Achilles Heel.
You are the reason I loose sleep,
the circles under my eyes,
the weight on my shoulders.
You are my painkiller,
and the reason I need it.
You are a cycle
in which I am trapped.
You are tearing me apart,
but I let you,
because something about it
is the only thing
that makes me feel alive.

My life was stuck in greyscale
Until you came along
With beautiful watercolors.
You painted the skies
With amethyst and sapphire
With coral and azure.
You painted the autumn trees,
With amber and titian
With hazel and maroon.
You flooded the dark oceans
With turquoise and navy.
You sprinkled the grey mountains
With shimmers of flaxen sunlight.
My entire life exploded
Into an exquisite rainbow.

And then you left.
And the radiant world
You had painted for me
Slowly faded
Back into anaemic dust and gloom.

Pain is a monster.
Control it,
fight it,
isolate it.
Lock it away
in a padded cell,
Silence it,
ignore it.
Don't let it spread.
Don't let it take over.
If you become your pain,
they treat you the same way,
like the monster you are.

It's said that people fall out of love
For the same reasons they fell in love
All the things I love about you
May someday make me despise you

I fell in love with you,
first with your soul,
then with everything else,
because everything else
was a part of your soul,
the way your eyes sparkled,
the way you laughed and smiled,
the way you spoke what you felt in your heart,
the way you felt both joy and pain so deeply,
you showed me your faults,
you accepted mine,
you made sure I was okay,
you helped me when I wasn't,
you showed me things you were passionate about,
you made me laugh when I was sad,
you were honest,
you were real,
you were you.
All that you were,
all that you did,
was a part of your soul,
with which I fell in love.

Perfect, imperfect lines,
Etched into already stinging skin,
New, bleeding lines,
Where the old ones are starting to fade,
Deep, red lines,
Never letting scarred skin truly heal,
Uniform, horizontal lines,
Each with a reason.

Each red line will fade to pink
Be replaced by new ones
But once a line is made
It never truly leaves.

It's better to burn out bright,
than to fade away.
Better to be swallowed in an inferno,
than to be swallowed in emptiness.
Better to leave behind smoke and ashes,
than to disappear without a trace.
Better to leave the world with a reminder of you,
than to leave as anonymous as when you began.

What is this that I'm feeling?
Just a chemical reaction?
Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin?
Is this all just a science?
Something that can be manufactured in a lab?

It can't be.
How can something that feels so real be so easily fabricated?

I've dug myself into this valley,
Surrounded by walls of dirt,
The light of the sun is all but lost,
I am trapped in emptiness and darkness.

I cannot escape,
I can only dig deeper,
So I do, I dig deeper into the darkness
And I don't know why.

I am from the Universe,
from stars and nebulas.
I am from the galaxies.
The delicate, the powerful,
every infinity, past, present, and future.
I am from the meteor showers,
the solar flares.
I am made of the same atoms
of all that was, is, and will be.

I am from everything under the sun and
everything beyond the sun,
from asteroids and Super Novas.
I am from the essence,
and the energy of all of time and space,
from life stories,
and chemical reactions.
I'm from everything that surrounds me,
the same vibrations move through my soul.

I'm from eons and eons back,
Science and History.
From the dark matter,
the icy cold blackness,
the billions of astronomical units of emptiness,
the fiery explosions,
the twinkling lights,
the white-hot comets,
and endless matter, endless space, endless possiblities.

I am from the Universe,
I am the Universe.
In everyday life,
I am the stars,
I am the earth,
I am the light and the darkness.
My eyes can hold galaxies.
My soul is written in the stars.
For I am from the Universe.

To love is to burn,
for to feel heat,
one must set their soul ablaze.

To breathe is to drown,
for with every breath of air,
comes a suffocating waterfall.

To think is to be crushed,
for our thoughts trap us,
under their weight.

It is so with all things.
The things that I need to do
destroy me.

I'm trapped.

"Are you okay? You look sad."
"I'm fine, I'm just tired."
Tired of feeling empty,
tired of feeling alone,
tired of hating myself,
tired of hurting myself,
tired of crying,
tired of dying,
tired of faking,
tired of breaking,
tired of sinking,
tired of falling,
tired of darkness,
tired of numbness,
tired of wanting this all to end.

But I'm fine.
I'm just tired.

Sitting in the middle
of an empty window frame,
Gripping the window sill
to keep my hands form shaking,
Feet swinging idly
sixty meters above the city street.
Staring blankly down
at the sidewalk below.

There are two ways off this ledge,
to turn back, or to jump.
I sit for hours wondering,
to press on, or end my pain?
The sun has long since left the sky,
leaving me lost in the dark.
One thought remains in my mind:
to end this misery.

I close my eyes,
I slowy inch towards the edge.
Twenty stories up...
Ready to fall...
Just one final push...

The week after I died...

I sat down beside you on your sofa.
I watched.
Your hands shook as much reading my note
As mine did writing it.
Your jaw trembled, your eyes filled with tears.
I saw the cracks starting to form
Just as I had felt them.
You mouthed the words that I was thinking:

"I'm sorry."

What have I done?
I can't undo this.

I didn't know you needed me.
You didn't know I needed you.
I've left you behind to follow the same path that I did.
If only we'd been more honest with each other.
But now,

It's too late.

Behind my eyes lies a world,
A distorted fantasy,
A dystopia,
A twisted, broken wonderland.

A dark, dead wood,
Filled with sorrows,
And forgotten dreams,
Rotting away in dying trees.

The icy wind chills my bones
And stings my skin.
The heavy scent of death
Forces its way into my lungs.

Creatures in the dark
Sing their broken melodies.
I cover my ears and close my eyes.
“We’re all mad here”, they assure me.

The crescent moon bares its teeth,
Shining its sickly glow,
Blocked from the ground only by
The ominous shadows of the towering trees.

I sometimes feel someone behind me,
Or see something lurking in the dark.
And sometimes I’m alone in this forest of darkness.
I don’t know which one scares me more.

They tell me it’s all in my head.
Of course they’re right,
But that doesn’t make this terrible wonderland
Any less real.

I gazed up into the night sky,
staring in wonder at the beautiful stars.
My eyes fixed upon them,
I fell in love with their silver glow.

I began to stop fearing the night,
my radiant stars shone through the darkness.
They drowned out my demons,
they flooded my soul with their light.

But the good things cannot last,
can they?
This world must destroy
all that is valuable.

And so it was.
The skies began to crumble,
and my stars began to fall,
plummeting from their celestial home.

I stretched out my arms to catch the stars,
to save them from the freezing ground.
I caught them, and oh, how  they burned!
Those beautiful stars, so gentle, so fiery!

But I held them, none the less,
to save them from the harsh, dead earth.
I let them burn away at my skin,
my beloved beacons of hope, became my agonizing downfall.

To sink, is to fall -
slowly and agonizingly,
longing for death -
an escape from the pain.

HELP!
Why can't I just die?

The deeper I sink,
the fewer people can save me,
and the fewer people try.
I am left to sink into the darkness and the cold.

Every breathless moment feels like an eternity.
I struggle to force the freezing water out of my lungs.

Here, I am doomed to remain -
forever sinking deeper,
constantly dying, never dead.
Unless...

Someone can dive down into the depths,
and pull me out of my prison,
my grave.

Please...
Save me...

You can not focus,
Your mind is dull,
Overcome by the dreary pain
setting into your skull.

You close your eyes,
You rest your head,
You take a pill to ****
the pain that you dread.
...

My demons scream,
My soul it cries,
As darkness creeps through
my dying mind.

I hurt myself,
I cry "Help me!",
I'm waging a war that
no one can see.

What a headache is to you
is not what a headache is to me.

Long, thick sleeves,
pulled all the way over my hands,
in the dead heat of August

Forcing light into my eyes,
so that my fake smile doesn't look
completely dead

The knot in my chest when I shower,
because the hot water stinging my cuts
is a cruel reminder of my pain

Words, written on a paper,
kept in my desk drawer -- secret -- because I have
no one to tell

Hands shaking, as I drag the blade across my flesh,
because pain is the only thing
I can feel anymore

Do you still think I just want attention?

Surrounding me was a hurricane
of pain, sadness, and anger.
There I stood, trapped in the eye,
engulfed in numbness, emptiness, and static.
My only escape was through the torrent of agony around me.

Many times, I tried to escape that silent sea of grey by fighting my way through the walls of my prison, hoping against hope to break through and find joy on the other side,
But I became lost in the raging torment and was forced to return to my cell.

Many times, simply wanting to feel something other than the dullness that had become my reality, I grit my teeth, and force myself into the swirling void of misery, to feel pain once more. Until the torture was unbearable and I retreated to the emotionless abyss.
I needed the pain to remind me that I was still alive.

Many times, when the pace of the traveling storm quickened, I was forced to run to remain within the calm nothingness, but I continued to trip and fall back into the darkness and pain until I could regain my step.
Then, I pressed on, at the mercy of the unforgiving cyclone.

I lived like this for what seemed like an eternity.
Until one day.

The wind slowed, slightly, I saw a beam of light for a fraction of a fraction of a second.
It was gone all too soon, and now I am left to constanly search my heart and mind for that one thing that may calm this storm and free me from

my prison,

my hurricane.

I had always been afraid to fly
I looked up to the sky, wondering "what if?"
That's when I saw you
Always flying, afraid of falling.
You looked down at me, I looked up at you,
Each so fixated with the other,
We forgot that we were also gazing at our greatest fears.
I asked you to come down and be with me,
But you refused, for fear of falling down to the unforgiving ground.
You asked me to fly up and be with you,
But I couldn't bring myself to soar towards the terrifying skies.
So, there we stayed,
Me staring up at you, you staring down at me,
Longing, and forever wondering,
"what if?"

My eyes -- they were too dry to cry anymore,
So I forced tears of red from my wrists.

My heart -- It was too numb to feel anymore,  
So I took a blade to my flesh, seeking the strongest feeling I knew: pain, a reminder that I was alive and human.

My legs -- They were too weak to carry me anymore,
So I collapsed, falling back into my old, self-destructive habits.

My mind -- It was too clouded to think anymore,
So I chased away the sickly fog with a hurricane of pain, and fought through the storm, until I found what I sought: the eye, my relief.

Humans. Evil by nature, killers by choice.
Caring only for themselves, and not taking a second to consider another.
Thinking that they deserve more than everyone else.
They **** first, ask questions later.
They tear eachothers lives apart.
They trampeled everything I held dear and tore my dreams to shreds with words.
They embody everything I despise.
Yet, I am trapped inside of one.

I stopped fighting to breathe. Now I'm just letting myself drown.
I stopped fighting for love. Now  I'm just shutting people out.
I stopped fighting the pain. Now I'm just letting sadness consume me.
I stopped fighting my demons. Now we're on the same side.

I'm sorry I left so soon.
I wasn't planning on it.
It just happened without warning.
I'll miss you.
But don't worry, we'll see each other again some day.
I'm here if you want to talk, I just won't respond.
I'd talk to you if I weren't busy pushing up daisies.

I know that you're made of alot of broken pieces,
Just like a mosaic.
Mosaics are beautiful and colorful,
Just like you.

Most people see the world in black and white
They don't even know what color is
Thats because they don't try to see color
They close up their minds and turn the world into greyscale
But if you let yourself think
If you let yourself feel
You can see a whole world full of color

You were my salvation
You were my sheild
You were the one who helped me see
I never believed in angels until you believed in me

I can't say "I'm sorry"
I can't say "I love you"
I can't say "Don't go"
So I guess I'd better say "Goodbye"

It's a long higway.
It's a hard one to drive down.
I've got miles to go before I'm home.
Can you blame me for speeding?

When she told me she loved you, I saw a light in her eyes.
I know you don't feel that way about her,
But if she finds out, she'll be crushed.
I want to feel happy for her, when she says she's in love.
So, please, can you try to love her.

Hello, my  name is Life.
People used to all love me.
That was before all the wars.
That was when people lived in peace.

Soon, I was not so popular
People didn't enjoy my company
That was when people would turn on each other
That was when they took each other away from me

Now, nobody likes me
Now, I'm an inconvinience
Now, people leave me before their time
Now, people try to shut me out

She's trying to **** me.
She's my biggest enemy.
She makes me feel worthless.
She makes me feel alone.

She chases away my friends.
Now it's just me and her.
I can't escape from her.
That's because she is me.