I try to will my hands to movement
but the energy that fails to stir them
is that of a dying spider

my hands are dying spiders
the weight of broken ballerina ankles rests on them
as one finger, one spindly leg reaches foreward with the fading pulsation of apathy and desperation

apathy pitted against desperation in a cage match thumping against the bars of my ribs i cannot funck fu k func function like this

i once saw a dying spider
she had been in the skylight for weeks
lights flooded the room and she floated down the middle
on a silver string, what skirts are made of for dancers
her legs slowly splayed as she turned so thin so light
in my head i heard played the last grand notes of swan lake
she landed her perfect pirouette to the end of her swan song
and dies to an admiring audience weighed of broken ballerina ankles

her spindly, skeleton leg reaches foreward
driven by desperation
slowing by apathy by starvation by stubbornness by fear
her legs curl unto herself
caging the match pitting apathy against desperation
she cannot fun...c..tio...n... like... this...

Silence falls on my eyes and creeps them closed as my hand
fails to reach the next letter
i desperately have to reach the next letter
but Apathy blinks and says
whats the point

It's nice when inspiration hits
But if you want to do something you can push yourself to be creative 
Take your favorite song and sing it
Start drawing start writing write the stories of your scars 
These ones on my legs I was angry and I could only take it out on myself because I couldnt take it out on anyone else 
Why was I angry I didn't know myself I didn't fit in my skin and thats where the ones on my neck come in 
Some people need a sunny day to create 
But when you let go of the need
It's a feeling of freedom the feeling of creativity

Sometimes it feels like you were never here
Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I told you it was over
That today I could just march over to yours and inform you of your abuse like a well practised debater

I know that you've moved on
While I'm stuck in this rut
The wheels spinning and spitting the same dirt from the same spot in this ******* rut
The engines riddling the air with the same plaintive and helpless whine 
I don't know how to move on
I just keep hating you

I might be a mother someday
I dreamt of it last night
It had come too soon

I wanted to love her
But couldn't take on the commitment
I was still a child myself

I claim to not like kids
"two minutes, that's it,
Anymore is too much"

But I feel one day I will love a child
More than anything
And that's strange to me

I would tell them
Please don't drink
Please don't do drugs

Please don't smoke *** 
if it makes you feel bad
You don't need to impress anyone

The same goes for stealing
But if you do I won't hurt you
Though you will pay the consequences

Because you need to learn from your mistakes
But I'll remember that we all make mistakes
So I won't judge you too harshly

Because no matter what you do
Life goes on
As long as you're here

So if you hurt yourself
I'll remember people do that sometimes
And I will help you

No matter what you believe of yourself
You are stronger than that
Because you are human

You are capable of so much
And finally, I will tell them
I love you

For the first time
In a long time
I felt it.
A rush, a tingle, a warmth that spread into a giggle.
I was giddy.
Why was this happening?
My heartbeat caught, my breath sped,
No that’s not right.
I was smiling.
Because… of the couple on the screen.
Because… I had a dream.
I was kissing a girl, and for once,
That girl wasn’t you.
I was smiling.
I could breathe. I’m still breathing. Still smiling. Happy.
Happy… Alone?
So long I saw the world in shades… your shades.
And now I can say, “Get out of my head! I want to see the sky!
I want to see the light shining down with both of my eyes!”
And I see blue. Beautiful blue.
And sun where there wasn’t before.
No longer held down
by weakness
by hatred that grew...
I think I’m finally… getting over you.

“Nope, we’re just friends,” we used to say,
Each time they asked we both looked away,
Scared of what her reaction might be,
Knowing not that her want was only for me.
So long ago this now seems,
What happened to us,
Our hopes,
Our dreams?
We haven’t been talking so I’m sure you’ve not heard,
I dearly do miss you,
My sweet Blackbird.

“Now Sherlock, you can correct me if I’m wrong-”
“-I’m sure you’re wrong, John, but please carry on.”
“You seem a bit distracted,
Was it the legislature enacted?”
“Now John, why would that affect me?
Good for other people, another way to be free-”
Then in Sherlock’s head went a little Ding!
Turning to John he said “Why John, are you perhaps fishing for a ring?”

Membranes, wings and rains,
Think brains, pull up them Hanes,
Dress yourself in scarves and silks,
Drink some warm milk,
Remember… remember, cuz tonight you’re only feelin’ ill.

Broke out of that chrysalis, colors all a-flyin’,
S’a little intimidatin’, cuz it’s my first time bein’ this high ‘nd,
Little scared to take the plunge,
But I’ve got these wings so I must be invincible.

Let’s go let’s go let’s go even higher,
Fly cuz the tip of your wing’s on fire,
I’ll light you up my Moonlight Flower,
Dream and see it’s a good way to be,
Don’t worry about it, you know you can trust me.

Membranes, wings and rains,
Think brains, pull up them Hanes,
Dress yourself in scarves and silks,
Drink some warm milk,
Remember… remember, cuz tonight you’re only feelin’ ill.

Like a flower misses the sun,
When the frost takes over the ache creeps in,
Try to shake it off let my petals unfurl,
But it’s hard being rooted to the ground right here,
It’s hard to be feelin’,
Want the sun to come back,
But I gotta keep breathin’,
Make my own warmth, man.

She says “Envy me,” with an eyelash bats fly in a lightning flash,
Rubbin’ ash on my face to be like her but the light turns off and all I see is gray,
Smoke and mirrors play,
“It’s fake, but it’s beautiful,” they say,
And I’m taken aback when the mirrors crack and “Hey, wait!” I exclaim,
“You’re not the same!”
After which I proceed to rub the ash off my face
And she walks away like “So, what?”
I stand dumbfounded, like “Shouldn’t girl be shamed?”
Grown up a little it’s hard to believe I belittled myself,
I choke on the secondhand smoke and mirrors they say “Stop coverin’ up true colors, oh look, boo, you’re original red, black and blue be showin’ through.”
I look closer and harder to find that this face that was mine all the time I tried to hide like the shame inside like “Who could love it when it’s next to her?” and this bird came by,
Said “Girl, you bein’ absurd, you got your own light now let it shine, go spread your word, you got your worth, not lower than hers.”

I thank the Universe for this beautiful union
Of poetry and music thank you
Lets me free
Lets me be
Lets me free to be me
Nothing else is all I need

Get outta my face I wanna look at the sky
I wanna see the light shining down with both of my eyes

Crazy, Crazy, go away,
Don’t come back after this day,
I just want to be ok,
Don’t want to scare my love away.

“Show me yours if I show you mine,”
The piece repeats like familiar rhyme and I smile,
Taken back to the days when I explored the world with my body
Before the world of my body.

Benadryls,
Chill pills,
Silent, violent **** Bills

Girl, why you gotta be over there when I want you over here
And I know I have no sway to persuade you
But I was hopin’ just a little that I might entertain you.
Baby it’s break, and it ***** cuz when I wake
I remember where you are and I feel like a twit
Feelin’ needy and sick
Cuz I’m lost in my head wishin’ that we were in bed
But here I am in a car remembering where you are
And I’m brought back to the feelin’ that we need to do some healin’.
So **** it I guess that I’ll just go take a nap with my cat
Don’t take heed of my rap
Just keep enjoyin’ that time in place in your own space
I’ll be here when you’re ready to grace me
With your face and embrace, honey.

Dude, what the heck?
The ice cream truck added a hip-hop beat to the good ol’ “Do your Ears Hang Low” song.
Somehow it takes away from the innocence and nostalgia that should come with it
When I think of harkening to the sepia-toned tune
And running barefoot on the summer-kissed pavement
In my pink, flower-embroidered shorts
And baby-blue tank top
To pay a buck for some sweet, sweet colors
To mix and be plastered on the little mouth  
Of baby-faced
Eight-year-old
Me.

It’s funny when you say you love me more,
Cuz when I turn to face you click! locks the door.
And it’s funny when you say “Don’t find someone cooler,”
Cuz when you turn around you smile at some schmoozer.
It’s cute how you think I could find someone better,
I try to assure you it’s just the weather,
But really I’m down,
My lip bleedin’ out,
Cuz you’re laughin’ at the fact you gave him a *****.

Click! locks the door,
The same smile as before.
Click! locks the door,
The same smile as before.
Why do you think when I say “I love you,”
You say you do more,
I say “I don’t think so.”
Click! locks the door,
Inside I’m on the floor.

It’s stupid, I hate it,
But when you’re gone I am not sated,
I just wanna do these stupid things
(Like go out get ****** up or make myself bleed),
I wanna be punished cuz it’s not fun,
When you say you don’t want anyone.
Sigh this angst just needs to be done.
This angst just needs to be done.

And when I’m alone and sittin’ still
With these feelings that I want to ****,
All I can do is imagine
That I’m goin’ out, goin’ out, gettin’ plastered
In an attempt to feel ******
For a different reason,
Not you, sweetie,
But by my own heart I convicted of treason.

Heh… don’t worry about me,
Last time I did that,
You didn’t speak to me
For a week.
Too long, so long I thought instead
That I’d do better in a hospital bed.

Hitting my head against the wall,
I know you didn’t expect this fall.
It was because of a slip-up,
My stupid little mess-up,
That now you found out,
And now we’re eating doubt.
It sits none too well,
And my chest is in hell,
Cuz my heart’s got a dent an inch wide on its shell.

Girl with the glasses and long blonde hair
Stands at the door to feel the air
A dark girl comes and takes her hand
And asks her to play in the dark sea strand
Glimmers of eyes in the waves of sea foam
A long time she's spent away from her home
Laughing, she tosses a red ball to her friend
Missing, friend says "goodbye, never see you again"
Red ball crashes without a sound
There's her blonde brother when she turns around
Puzzled, he asks "who's that for?"
Seashell in hand, she looks back but her friend isn't there anymore

She's my little dreambird, a star-eyed young girl
But she lives in the shadows, a dark little world
I love her, my dreambird, even when she sees
Musical notes in her muffled screams
I'll be there for her, I'll hold her tight
When the demons come scratching, their devilish delight
I promise my arms are a safe place to rest
But her eyes are still open as I would have guessed
Say your soft prayers as you've said them before
I love you, now sleep, it's almost the morn

Today she's a dancer, and she's dancing now
I gaze silently at the sweat on her brow
My thoughts go drifting, back to a dream
A dream of her, so happy it seemed
Our lips were touching, our hands were roaming
And I wished there was no such thing as the morning
My thoughts are interrupted and scattered away
When she turns to me, says "do you hear that? That dum-******-ay?"
"no honey I think that's just you."
She then turns away, her mood now subdued
I want her to feel better, "you know I don't mind"
She shrugs it off "forget that I said it, I'm fine, I'm fine"
I embrace her and kiss her cute little ear
The ear that hears things only she fears

She's my little dreambird, a star-eyed young girl
But she lives in the shadows, a dark little world
I love her, my dreambird, even when she hears
Songs of the past in her held-back tears
I'll be there for her, I'll hold her tight
And offer my love, my warmth, my light
I promise my arms are a safe place to rest
But her eyes are still open as I would have guessed
Say your soft prayers again like before
Sleep, I'll still be here for you, mi Amor

She's a strong woman now, the strongest I know
Only in rare moments her fears do show
She does not cry, she does not scream
She does not need the lullabies that I sing
She takes care of herself, doesn't need anyone
Occasionally she'll need to go for a run
She doesn't take many things seriously
A more serious girl like me looks at her curiously
She doesn't know that every time she speaks
I love it cuz it gives me an excuse to peek
Her gaze and expression so animated
Everything she knows would leave me jaded
The girl I see now gives me butterflies
But the girl she talks about I don't recognize
I was never there for her, I'm just a new chapter
I was, but only in fantasy, the Happily Ever After
The one that she could lean on
When time ****** up and went wrong
When today was tomorrow and tomorrow was next week
In my head all she'd need was a stroke on her cheek
The one to be her root to bring her back to reality
I'd be the one to push away her "special cup of tea"

She's my little dreambird, a star-eyed young girl
But she lives in the shadows, a dark little world
I love her, my dreambird, she's stronger cuz she sees
Her life is so much more than others make it out to be
I'll be there for her, I'll hold her tight
Whether it's for cuddles or protection from the night
I promise my arms are a safe place to rest
The weight of her head gets heavier on my chest
Say your soft prayers and kiss me goodnight
Sleep long and well until come morning light

Words are tumbling and rushing together
A moment in time that seems like forever
A picture's worth a thousand words
But nothing more than what belongs to her
Meanings literal and metaphor
The source of her life and my love's core
I can't get enough while I lie here blissed out
Me on her and her on the couch
The more I melt into it the more it grows to a
Rumble to a thunder and then a supernova
For so long I lived in a suffered fantasy
I sometimes wonder if she's real even when she's right in front of me
But it sings me back to reality
With it's soft lullabies it caresses me
I'm safe in its sound as it guides me to sleep
This thing that I love is your heartbeat.

How many times have I cried over you
More than you know
Too many to count
My well should be dry
And still I can't say that I miss you.

How many times have I tried to do things for you
To make you happy
To see you smile
It's all I want
And still I can't say that I love you.

How many times have you assured me that you're mine
The times I didn't believe you
I still don't
Because you lied
And that's why I can't ask if you miss me.

Dancing girl,
Dressed up for the party,
Loses inhibitions,
Dulls her intuition,
Hands on her waist,
Lures her to the corner,
Looks fast around for no mourners.

Trickster with a smile,
Ruler of the game,
Forces down the bile,
He doesn’t know her name.
Strings are now attached,
Cutting off the feeling,
Her body is forfeit,
Awareness is gone,
None left for her to cry out from the pain of the jerking.

Breaking girl,
Tape can’t patch her up when her dreams are leaking through.
Hands of shadows clamp her throat,
Beads of sweat soak through her skin and come out her eyes,
Out of her dreams,
Soaking her pillow,
Soaking me.

Trickster with a smile,
Ruler of the game,
Forced down the bile,
He didn’t know her name.
Strings are cut and ragged,
Bringing back the feeling,
This girl is waking,
This lady is breaking,
She steps off the boat but her mind is still swaying.

If anyone needs a punching bag,
Then come over here and take a stab,
If anyone needs a back to skin,
Then come take mine, display your sin.
Roses of red and violets of blue,
Bloom on my skin, I don’t blame you.

Discord
Inside
Strike the chord and I’ll be the bride
Of the rage in your eyes
And the monster residing,
Be the kissed in *******,
And filling my lungs full of mist,
Doing it slowly or else I’ll be missed.

I want to feel what everyone talks about,
I just don’t want to be left out,
Though I’m sure it’s more than that,
Since the scratches from my cat
Make me wish they were multiplied,
Till both my arms are dyed,
And I want them spread across my back,
The image of an egg that’s cracked,
I want them kissed and caressed
Till all my thoughts are confessed,
Then I want to fall asleep in a trap, be trapped.

Amid the pile of ****** drawings,
I see your letter and there's a dawning,
of hope and nostalgia in my eyes,
I must confess these ***** lies,
Wishing so that I felt better,
I turn around,
sit back down,
calm myself and read your letter.

It says you love me,
We'll be forever,
We'll die an epic death together,
but in my heart  I know it's true,
We're so close to being through,
But reading your letter I take a chance,
I jump right up and grab a strand,
of spider's silk glowing in the dark,
and your voice cuts through just like a lark's,
through my ears and in my head,
a sadder side of me is dead,
So take my hand that hugged yours so,
and go to places we don't know.

But Time has gone and grown us apart,
I feel it in my hurting heart,
I miss you so come back to me,
we'll play around have fun be free.

I smile "We're not done, now that's just silly!"
take a knife and *****-nilly,
cut the chords of my depression,
be my muse my free expression!

Now I know this might sound cheesy,
but with you it really comes quite easy,
I've tried to force myself in the past,
and noticed I quit right real fast,
my best works have come from you,
and now it's time to pay my due.

We've grown apart but let's not forget,
You'll always be my winning bet,
So sit right now and no surprise,
I'll tell you things I've had to hide,
and when I'm done you'll hug me well,
and I'll hope your opinion of me is still,
one of virtue love and grace,
and when you do I'll hide my face,
and smile and breathe,
my faith restored in the human race,
because you still have faith in me.