I try to will my hands to movement
but the energy that fails to stir them
is that of a dying spider

my hands are dying spiders
the weight of broken ballerina ankles rests on them
as one finger, one spindly leg reaches foreward with the fading pulsation of apathy and desperation

apathy pitted against desperation in a cage match thumping against the bars of my ribs i cannot funck fu k func function like this

i once saw a dying spider
she had been in the skylight for weeks
lights flooded the room and she floated down the middle
on a silver string, what skirts are made of for dancers
her legs slowly splayed as she turned so thin so light
in my head i heard played the last grand notes of swan lake
she landed her perfect pirouette to the end of her swan song
and dies to an admiring audience weighed of broken ballerina ankles

her spindly, skeleton leg reaches foreward
driven by desperation
slowing by apathy by starvation by stubbornness by fear
her legs curl unto herself
caging the match pitting apathy against desperation
she cannot fun...c..tio...n... like... this...

Silence falls on my eyes and creeps them closed as my hand
fails to reach the next letter
i desperately have to reach the next letter
but Apathy blinks and says
whats the point

It's nice when inspiration hits
But if you want to do something you can push yourself to be creative 
Take your favorite song and sing it
Start drawing start writing write the stories of your scars 
These ones on my legs I was angry and I could only take it out on myself because I couldnt take it out on anyone else 
Why was I angry I didn't know myself I didn't fit in my skin and thats where the ones on my neck come in 
Some people need a sunny day to create 
But when you let go of the need
It's a feeling of freedom the feeling of creativity

Sometimes it feels like you were never here
Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I told you it was over
That today I could just march over to yours and inform you of your abuse like a well practised debater

I know that you've moved on
While I'm stuck in this rut
The wheels spinning and spitting the same dirt from the same spot in this ******* rut
The engines riddling the air with the same plaintive and helpless whine 
I don't know how to move on
I just keep hating you

I might be a mother someday
I dreamt of it last night
It had come too soon

I wanted to love her
But couldn't take on the commitment
I was still a child myself

I claim to not like kids
"two minutes, that's it,
Anymore is too much"

But I feel one day I will love a child
More than anything
And that's strange to me

I would tell them
Please don't drink
Please don't do drugs

Please don't smoke *** 
if it makes you feel bad
You don't need to impress anyone

The same goes for stealing
But if you do I won't hurt you
Though you will pay the consequences

Because you need to learn from your mistakes
But I'll remember that we all make mistakes
So I won't judge you too harshly

Because no matter what you do
Life goes on
As long as you're here

So if you hurt yourself
I'll remember people do that sometimes
And I will help you

No matter what you believe of yourself
You are stronger than that
Because you are human

You are capable of so much
And finally, I will tell them
I love you

For the first time
In a long time
I felt it.
A rush, a tingle, a warmth that spread into a giggle.
I was giddy.
Why was this happening?
My heartbeat caught, my breath sped,
No that’s not right.
I was smiling.
Because… of the couple on the screen.
Because… I had a dream.
I was kissing a girl, and for once,
That girl wasn’t you.
I was smiling.
I could breathe. I’m still breathing. Still smiling. Happy.
Happy… Alone?
So long I saw the world in shades… your shades.
And now I can say, “Get out of my head! I want to see the sky!
I want to see the light shining down with both of my eyes!”
And I see blue. Beautiful blue.
And sun where there wasn’t before.
No longer held down
by weakness
by hatred that grew...
I think I’m finally… getting over you.

“Nope, we’re just friends,” we used to say,
Each time they asked we both looked away,
Scared of what her reaction might be,
Knowing not that her want was only for me.
So long ago this now seems,
What happened to us,
Our hopes,
Our dreams?
We haven’t been talking so I’m sure you’ve not heard,
I dearly do miss you,
My sweet Blackbird.