i miss you
and
im hurting

Today I lost you.
Today I lost my glow,
my smile,
my laugh.
Today I lost my sun,
my moon,
and all my stars.
The words you wrote
punctured my heart.
Each letter pushed the blade in deeper,
each syllable a twist of the knife.
Today I lost you.
Today I lost myself.

I am not a concept.
I am not an idea.
I am a woman,
with eyes that see yours wandering up and down my body.
And ears that hear the calls from across the street.
I am not a prize,
to be won by the strongest competitor.
I am a woman,
with ******* not for your entertainment.
And legs longer than your desire.
I have feelings,
even when I'm not on my period.
One day I hope to find someone that can respect my body as it's meant to be,
and not as a blow doll that's kept in the closet until he's ***** and needs something to ****.
I am a woman.

They don't look at me the way they do the others
Fiona is exuberant, lively, charming
Gaia is mysterious, intriguing, potent
Lexie is exotic, eye-catching, memorable  

It's as if I'm plain and simple. Nothing extraordinary.
Nothing that they would want.
Nothing anyone wants.

Today I smoked a cigarette
and another
and another
and another
Until my lungs felt as burnt out as my heart
And my heart felt like the cold ashes settling after the fire has been choked out
My best friend is my cat
Because humans walk around with scissors for mouths
And each hurtful word snips another string
From my head to my heart
Making my head sink lower
and lower
and lower
To the ground
If I keep my eyes down
Then I won't have to see the venom seeping from their eyes like tears
Dripping to the ground
Burning the soles of my feet
Like the thoughts I keep unspoken
Searing through my body until they reach my stomach
Twisting into knots
Every step a punch to the gut
And every breath a fight to hold back the bile
The bile that is my mind
Trying to break through the jail I have kept it in
The jail of thoughts stitched together into an impossibly high wall
You're not good enough
You're not pretty enough
You're not enough
Making my mind lose itself
Trying to escape
By attacking my physical being

You're using again
but I should have expected it
Things were going too well
for too long
Of course something had to go wrong
I just didn't think it would be you
Think of your kids
We can't do it for you

Heed the meadowlarks cry
You are worth more than you think
I want you with me
But
You push me away
As if I am nothing more than the worm being eaten
By the meadowlark
And you sit by
Watching me being devoured